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In my FC journey, I have tried to involve as few people as possible. My bishop knows I am struggling and that I don’t want a calling other than VTing right now. Two close friends know a few more details of my struggle. I’m sure other people have noticed that I have been less present, but I haven’t discussed my FC with any one else. I’m not hiding it .. If people ask, I tell them that I am trying to figure out my relationship with the church. But my goal has been to minimize drama. On Thursday, one of my TBM friends accused me of all kinds of things.
She talked of how sad it was to see my husband and daughter sitting without me week after week. I was standing there thinking .. I missed a week when I was on call 8 weeks ago .. Other than that, I have been with my family during SM. I skip SS, But I am there during SM. and my DH has a calling during SS .. so he isn’t in SS either.
She talked about how “all the women” were afraid to talk to me or contact me because they were sure I would want to argue points about religion. She talked about how my FC had been quite the hot topic of conversation, but no one was going to contact me because they were afraid.
She stated that she was sure I was having problems with the church because one particular couple must have offended me.
She was sure that I had been reading anti-LDS literature .. And that I had just been led astray by that literature.
She asked if I was looking for a way to drink coffee or do things on Sunday.
The entire thing was like a parody of 1965 church pamphlet of why people leave the church.
I felt like I really couldn’t say anything to defend myself without sounding like I was arguing. All I could do was thank her for sharing her concerns.
Having a couple days to really think about it, I find myself torn between being amused at the silliness of the accusations — and just feeling very sad that this very good friend couldn’t just simply express love and concern. I imagine she is feeling frustrated. From her point of view, I just need to read the BOM, re-gain my testimony, feel the burning of the spirit , and fly straight. I wish it was that simple.
My DH is traveling this weekend, so I will be at church tomorrow with DD. After Thursday’s confrontation, I am just dreading every bit of showing up tomorrow. I’m now down 15 pounds .. All seemingly related to increased honesty in my life. And tonight I ate 3 d–n cookies out of sheer anxiety thinking about tomorrow. Argh!!!!!’
I’m sorry this happened. I know that does nothing for you, I just wanted you to know I understand. Unfortunately there are too many like her around. I have no advice for you, and I don’t pray so I can’t even off that. This makes me so sad! I’m sorry you had this experience and I am also sorry for your friend because heaven forbid this happens to her. We understand your pain here. Maybe you could write her a nice letter where you could get the chance to explain yourself without interruption. Not sure if it would help her or not, but at least you might feel heard? Good luck at church today. Will be thinking of you. Hugs Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Let me say first that this person’s behavior is absolutely stupid, insensitive, judgmental, guilt-inducing, full of assumptions, demotivating, unChristlike, unCharitable, and placing full blame on the individual — rather than sharing it with the church as an institution. Notice I said the behavior, not the person. I have my own stories similar to this one. I won’t go into them, but some have been very similar.
The best advice I have is to ignore it for now. I read a book a while ago about “Winning with the Boss From Hell”. Although it’s purpose is to help people in a much different context, one principle — “Ignore” stood out as meaningful in church experiences as well. It’s brought me peace recognizing I don’t HAVE to react to the silly behavior of people like this woman.
So far, this has happened once to you, as far as I can tell — from this woman.
It’s not a pattern yet from this woman, who appears to be suffering from a terrible case of self-righteousness, poor judgment, judgmentalism, etcetera. Should this become a pattern for her, then I think someone needs to sit her down, and have a “coming to Jesus meeting” (as a former exec/mentor of mine calls it in business contexts). Of course, being kind and charitable, but helping her see the how her approach to your crisis is in appropro.
Should it become a pattern, I would consider a few things.
a) Go to straight to the RS President or Bishop and share what she said, and what she did. Keep the conversation focused on her behavior, and the impact is is likely to have — not only on you, but others. As a Bishop or leader, there is absolutely no way I would want this kind of behavior toward members who are currently attending. My hope is the leaders in your Ward have enough judgment to do the same.
You said some people kind of know what you are going through (perhaps your bishop), you could report this to them and then give a watered down version of your own crisis for confidentiality, in case it comes up. People here would have good suggestions for how to do that should it ever come to that.
b) Minimize your interactions with her. She is a toxic person. In my work I have a boss like that like that whose behavior affected me negatively. I have a “20 foot rule” which says I don’t get within 20 feet of her if I can help it. Conversations are short, polite, and focused on the topic at hand. If she is approaching me from a distance, I find alternate routes to get where I’m going. I keep my office hours in a student area close to students rather than in my office which is close to hers. I find socially sensitive ways of avoiding her. It minimizes the angst this woman causes in me, which has been substantial. I often go for weeks without even seeing her, or interacting with her, and it is peace-inducing.
c) Recognize this isn’t about you. It’s about this woman’s view of the world. Likely an interaction between a harsh, black and white personality and the black and white culture in some wards, or individuals who have influenced her.
d) Her statement that “all the women” feel a certain way about you is unfounded. It is ALWAYS unfounded when people refer to EVERYONE feeling a certain way. Has she spoken to EVERYONE about your situation? Are they unanimous in their feelings? I highly doubt it. People are so different, it’s highly unlikely (I venture to say IMPOSSIBLE) EVERYONE is reacting the same way toward you. Many probably aren’t even aware. So when you go to church, don’t think EVERYONE feels the way she’s portrayed.
Thanks for posting this. I feel for you. You don’t deserve this, as it shows the dark side of some members – how their love is conditional on your compliance, not on who you are. Next time you see this woman, picture a force field around her that prevents you from getting near her. At the same don’t display anything that would indicate how you feel the situation she’s caused. Practice the neutral face.
I’d dedicate a bit of time to mediating before church, visualizing yourself being relaxed and neutral toward this woman, and then attend church, and bring that to life.
I’d love to hear how it goes after you get home…
The only thing I can say is: I’m sorry you had to experience this. You handled it with more grace then I would.
The reality is: this is the way this Sister shows compassion.
A warped sense of compassion with no sense of empathy.
There are a lot of members like that.
I’m sure at one time, I was too.
These things are one of the hardest parts of being human. We care, but we generally suck at showing it. I know it is not easy, but the best solution (and perhaps only real solution) I have found is developing toward the type of charity described in 1 Corinthians 13. I like to read that chapter periodically to remind myself what it is I am trying to become (and to remember my own unclear-seeing state) – and, ironically, developing that sort of charity would be impossible without things and people that cause long-suffering.
It also helps to picture God weeping as he watches your suffering and to put that image onto what you read in 1 Corinthians 13. It is a powerful image for me.
Minyan Man wrote:The only thing I can say is: I’m sorry you had to experience this.
You handled it with more grace then I would.
The reality is: this is the way this Sister shows compassion.
A warped sense of compassion with no sense of empathy.
There are a lot of members like that.
I’m sure a one time, I was too.
See, I’m not sure she’s showing compassion here. There are certain personalities who have a passion, or tendency to “get other people to do things”. They are often in sales, but not always. But they actually enjoy influencing people to behave a certain way.
This woman may have that tendency, and in the course of a conversation, used guilt, threat of social ostracization, and the assumption of impure motives to influence amateurparent.
None of that displays compassion in my view, even their her objective is admirable — to encourage activity. Fact is, she did it using negative motivators that will not get her the result she’s seeking.
” a warped sense of compassion” I agree with both Minyan Man and Silent Dawning. It is not pure compassion, but it is a warped sense of compassion. I am sure the woman wanted to help and actually thought she was being helpful.
Humans can really screw up showing compassion. We are human. We do the same thing here in many conversations about people who are “TBM”, for example. The only difference is that we control ourselves more in person.
That is an important difference, but, ironically, she was being totally “authentic” in a way, which often gets called a wonderful virtue. Sometimes, it isn’t, and this can be a good example for us to remember that it is okay not to be totally open about some things we believe.
I am sorry your friend did that to you. I would try to limit your contact with her. It is so hard when our friends do things like that to us. Some people think they are helping us. I had a couple of my friends do something similar to me. I ended up having to find some better friends.
Hoping all goes well today at church.
I agree she’s toxic, and I would steer clear. I tend to think she is not compassionate toward you at all, but really wants to be right, and is going to bully you. It’s a lot like what Stephen R. Covey tried to remedy in the 5th habit: first seek to understand, THEN seek to be understood. She absolutely lacks the emotional intelligence to understand you. She isn’t even trying. Steer clear! Good advice here. I am sending hugs. I am sorry. I am generally pretty forgiving of people being thoughtless because that is just how I assume that people are. We are all pretty wound up in our own lives to be overly awae of others.
OTOH, I would feel very uncomfortable with others talking about me behind my back.
I personally recommend diversification. Making friends with many different people from different backgrounds. This helps to minimize the LDS portion of my social life/standing to more managble levels. I know this is easier said than done in many circumstances.
Sometimes we as a church are our own worst enemies.
Profanity alert!!! It’s people like this that were the inspiration in coining the term “assholier than thou.”
AP – How did things go today? I hope she’s an outlier amongst your friends. Sounds dreadful. 😡 Because DH is out of town, I was at church for the entire 3 hour block so that DD would have transportation home. I had actually planned on going to SS, but got stopped in the hall by someone who wanted advice about something related to my profession. So awesome to have an easy excuse to avoid SS. LOL. SM included a mission farewell speaker. He told a story of how God meets you where you are at. Whether you are standing on a chair or in a hole, God looks at the progress we make from where we started. He doesn’t expect us to start out perfect or end up perfect. I liked that.
I did attend RS. It was good. Some excellent points were made. A few ladies went out of their way, in very subtle ways, to make sure I know they were happy to see me. At one point, I felt a little bit like a feral cat that someone is trying to befriend — move slowly, don’t get close for too long, offer treats.
My friend who was so confrontational looked triumphant. In her own mind, I think she sees her “talk” as the reason I was at church. SMH.
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