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I’m a 29 year old mother of 3. Born in the church. Married in the temple. Totally devout my entire life…until 13 months ago. My husband came to me one night last April and told me he had lost faith in the church. I was shocked and felt betrayed. But, “this is just a trial of our faith” I thought. DH will soon receive guidance from the Holy Ghost and we’ll move forward as stronger people. Well, that didn’t happen. As most TBM’s are, I was idealistic and naive. I urged DH to go to the bishop for help with his struggling faith. That was the hugest mistake of my life. The bishop treated us horribly. That was the beginning of my spiritual decline. It was really devastating to my testimony how callously we were being treated. The bishop said a number of inappropriate things to me, including that DH had been cut off from blessings from God, that he was guilty of the sin of apostasy, and that I shouldn’t worry because I would get a better husband in the Celestial Kingdom. And he wouldn’t let DH baptize DS.
I know perfectly well that you’re not supposed to let one mean person keep you from the church. But the way DH and I were treated completely devastated my testimony. After I had devoted my entire life to the church, how could they could so easily turn their back on me when I needed them most? Members of my family and my close friend who I confided in also turned off their compassionate ears and turned on their judgemental ears. It was a very difficult time.
For the next several months I was in spiritual darkness (for lack of a better term). I have a tough time describing the depth of my pain. There was a physical ache in my chest. There was tremendous grief. There was a lot of crying. I’m sure some of you may understand.
Well, I began to emerge in February of this year. I started listening to podcasts on Mormon Stories. Listening to those helped me a lot because they helped me put words to what I was thinking and feeling. I’ve basically let go of most of my orthodox beliefs and have become a buffet mormon. I’m still in a very rocky stage 4 of Fowler’s Stages.
Since February I have been in less pain, but I’m super confused. I see truth on every side of every issue. I love my husband and support his disaffection. But I don’t want to lose the church either. I haven’t been able to reconcile all of my old beliefs with my new beliefs. I still feel a lot of guilt over not living up to my previous expectations. Let me tell you, I never thought I’d end up this way. I was so into the church. I would never have believed I’d be in this position now.
But I am glad I found this forum. I think there’s a lot of people here like me. I think most of you have a lot more figured out than I do. I’m hoping to tap into all that great knowledge and perspective out there.
I think your post is beautiful even in its pain. Pearl Earring wrote:I see truth on every side of every issue.
While this is undoubtedly painful to you now, from where I am standing it looks glorious and beautiful! Could there be a more grand and sweeping expression than yours of the magnanimity we take for granted from the Highest? I implicitly expect He/She/They sees truth in me, and so I suppose I ought to likewise see it around me and in others.
It was back in 2001 that I struggled with Mountain Meadows Massacre, Polygamy, and Priesthood Proxy Morality. It took until October 2003 for me to have enough peace to receive a New Reality from heaven. And since then I have been discovering and learning non-stop! What an adventure. I still don’t know what place church has in this new world of mine and in this 21st century small world of ours. But whatever else I am, I am LDS. That’s a matter of fact.
Go slow. Be patient. Beware of anger. Seek new and beautiful experiences, books, concepts, and practices to bring you the peace that is your heritage.
Tom
Welcome, pearl!! You have definitely found a great place. Your experience and place in life is soooooo familiar around here. You are definitely amongst fellow travelers.
There’s tons of threads on this forum discussing what you’re going through as well.
Welcome, Pearl. I’m sorry you went through all that with your bishop. Remember it’s not personal, though. If any other members were to say what you & your dh said to your bishop, they’d be treated the same way. (& Some bishops are stricter than others). Sometimes I feel like I’m on the edge – because something like that could happen & I KNOW it would change a lot of relationships. This is the part of the church that harms spiritual growth, instead of helps. It is counter to the greatest commandment: LOVE. Still, it could actually be the catalyst to helping you grow spiritually, even if at first it doesn’t seem that way.
Take care. I hope the best for you & your family.
Hi Pearl, The platter approach is a great one. I take from it the things I enjoy. I reject those things which would cause me pain. Occasionally I try something again, but I’ve been known to throw things back on the platter, should the taste is bitter. Recently I joined Facebook (I’m old, don’t hurry into things), I finally reached the profile question on religion. My middle son was assisting me and said, “Let’s see Dad, you are still Christian, right?” Today I proudly call myself, “Christian – Cultural Mormon,” it works for me. I lost my testimony at 68 years of age, you obviously are much younger and will have time to re-define yourself. May the path by smooth, and a bright rainbow appear as the goal. If so inclined, draw close to personal spirituality, it assisted me greatly.
Hi “mom!” Welcome! Great posts here so far…and I think most here relate to your story. I will also add that there really are many “kinds” of Mormons…and the diversity is getting larger every day.
You have experienced advice from a man who is doing the best he can with what he’s been given. He is what I call an “Iron Rod” (as compared to a Liahona — led more by the Spirit, where an Iron Rod lives by the letter of the law). Iron Rods don’t understand us Liahonas…and they never will. What helps is for you to understand that, and not expect “him” to change. Unfortunately, one trait of the Iron Rod is to aspire to leadership positions…so we see more of them as bishops, etc.. We Liahonas tend to be more interested in fellowship and support of each other…so we tend to work in the trenches without getting a lot of accolades.
Both types are important. Like others have said, you are young and have grown up with expectations that are collapsing at the present time. Long-term, that is a good thing. It helps us become accepting of so many aspects of the church (and elsewhere) that we become more tolerant and respectful of differences. As my kids say…”it’s all good!”
But the present pain is difficult. The confusion is uncomfortable. You are experiencing what we call cognitive dissonance…and it is a necessary step to find your eventual peace. And you will find it in time!
Good luck on your journey!
Thanks for all your kind words and support. Its nice to hear encouragement. Yesterday at church the GD lesson was on the cycle of apostasy. The question was asked, “How do you begin on the cycle of apostasy?” Answers included criticizing church leaders, wanting to know more, choosing not to follow some of the commandments, etc. I realized I was doing all those things that the teacher was cautioning against and I had ready replies about why its okay to do those things. I chose not to say a word because I don’t want to be labled an apostate. But it sure makes for an uncomfortable place to be when I’m the example of what not to be. I feel I don’t fit in at church anymore. I want to be so sure of my decisions so that I don’t second guess my path when other people criticize it. I’m not to that place yet. I see the value of pursuing both a traditional Mormon path and a more liberal, generally Christian path.
Have any of you managed to become so at peace with your decision to break away from mainstream Mormonism that you don’t feel guilty at church?
Oh dear Pearl…., Boy can I relate to you! You might have read about my experiences on the thread “Need Advice” about my new bishop in Florida where we just moved. I am thankful for all those that tried to help me work this through. It is so devestating and unChrist-like to be treated so badly when you are struggling enough with church issues in your life. Where is the empathy, and trying to ask questions about why you are feeling this way. It seems that alot of people in the church cannot handle their testimonies being challenged. It is too scary and painful for them. But, I was always raised to prove all things and hold fast to that which is good. That a church that cannot stand up to scrutiny has a weak foundation. My dad investigated the church 3 years and really challenged it before he joined. But, so many seem to be afraid to question or know any things that could show there is a problem with the church. To me it is like the wife whose husband is cheating on her and she just does not want to know anything about it. She is living in her happy little world and ignorance is bliss. Well, we all know that that bubble will eventually burst and I would rather live my life based on faith and realty.
One thing this kind of thing has done for me is to push me closer to getting my own personal relationship with Christ and God. Ultimately, their opinions are the only ones that really matter to me. He knows your heart and understands. Forgiveness, does not come easy for me when I have been hurt and the person will never apologize for how they treated me. But, forgiveness does help you let go and brings some peace. I heard my bishop talk at church yesterday and did not agree with half of what he said. I realize I will probably never be able to talk to him and get any empathy or understanding about my doubts and problems with the church. But, most bishops I have had have been wonderful and so I must remember that.
Pearl Earring wrote:Have any of you managed to become so at peace with your decision to break away from mainstream Mormonism that you don’t feel guilty at church?
Yes.
Oh, I guess I should say a bit more, huh?! I attend church only occasionally these days…but not because of any guilt or shame. I “recovered” from that quite a few years ago! I find that guilt is (unfortunately) a driving force for many…but I don’t see it as positive in any way. I know it is generally taught to be a critical part of repentence/forgiveness, but I find it to be based more in fear than love, and in my new paradigm, I try to live from love rather than fear. If I think or behave in a way that is an old bad habit, I find it helpful to go to the source and apologize — not for them, but for my own soulful peace and integrity.
I don’t attend much only because I don’t find as much spirituality there as I find at other venues (in nature, with family, etc.). But I greatly admire many here who do, and maybe I’ll be more like them when I grow up.
Pearl Earring wrote:Have any of you managed to become so at peace with your decision to break away from mainstream Mormonism that you don’t feel guilty at church?
Yes.
After ten years in Fowler stage 4, I got to the point where I felt I HAD NO CHOICE but to leave the church. I finally just said “the hell with it” and more or less emotionally walked away. That is when I found this site a year ago and learned some strategies to deal with stage 4. I read the article “How To Stay LDS After A Trial of Your Faith” WEEKLY. It’s weird, but it was like when I finally ADMITTED to myself that it “wasn’t all TRUE”, nor does it have to be, and that it’s not “black and white” and that I could find “god” and spiritual enlightenment without the mormon church – the whole “church” institution didn’t bother me so bad. it was like ten years of baggage was finally dumped. I was FREE. Exhilarating! I went back to it – ON MY TERMS, and it is working for me. I approach the LDS church as one viable pathway to help reach my goals, and as long as I am welcome I will remain (ON MY TERMS). PS – I don’t wear white shirts. EVER!
Quote:Have any of you managed to become so at peace with your decision to break away from mainstream Mormonism that you don’t feel guilty at church?
Yes. I don’t feel guilty at all at church, and I joke openly about the fact that people often don’t realize what they are getting when they ask me to serve in “leadership” callings. I’m so at peace largely because I consider myself to be a “believing, faithful member”, even though I certainly am not “mainstream” in many of my beliefs.
It’s just that I personally set the standard for what that means in my case.HOW I serve in the Church is somewhat out of my hands; WHETHER I serve in the Church is completely my own choice; IF I am happy and at peace at church also is completely up to me. Honestly, a large part of that is because I have “broken away” mentally on quite a few topics but remained firmly inside on others – and because my life is very orthoprax. I am part of a community I love, and I’m ethnically Mormon, on top of that. I haven’t thrown out the baby with the bathwater, so to speak – and I absolutely LOVE the grandeur and breadth and depth of what I see as “pure Mormonism”.
I don’t expect everyone to see it the way I do, and that lack of expectation helps tremendously.I’ve come to realize that those who “live Mormonism” and express their heterodox views carefully, gently, considerately and not in an apparent attempt to “convert” generally are accepted by everyone but the most black-and-white traditionalists. I’ve also come to realize that there are FAR more heterodox members than most people realize – mostly because so many of them are orthoprax. Iow, it’s hard to tell if someone sees various things differently than others if their lives otherwise “look Mormon”.
Finally, I maintain peace largely because I am trying to internalize the ideal of becoming Christ-like/godly as my ultimate objective. I’m consciously trying to be more charitable. I’m consciously trying to become more blessed by living the concepts taught in the Sermon on the Mount. I’m striving to be at peace with and within myself, and that effort is the core of why I am so at peace at church – and at work, and with my family, and in every other way.
I am at peace personally, so it is much easier to be at peace inter-personally – no matter the setting.I am going to post something separately that I wrote a while ago on my own blog about peace. I hope it helps.
Old-Timer wrote:Honestly, a large part of that is because I have “broken away” mentally on quite a few topics but remained firmly inside on others – and because my life is very orthoprax. I am part of a community I love, and I’m ethnically Mormon, on top of that. I haven’t thrown out the baby with the bathwater, so to speak – and I absolutely LOVE the grandeur and breadth and depth of what I see as “pure Mormonism”.
I don’t expect everyone to see it the way I do, and that lack of expectation helps tremendously.
Yep, I really like that concept Ray.
You are not alone. So many have trod the path before you. Do not feel like an apostate. That is just a word applied by people who are afraid of something they do not understand. I would dare say you are very much seeking after God. So how could you be labeled a non believer. Pearl Earring wrote:Yesterday at church the GD lesson was on the cycle of apostasy. The question was asked, “How do you begin on the cycle of apostasy?” Answers included criticizing church leaders, wanting to know more, choosing not to follow some of the commandments, etc. I realized I was doing all those things that the teacher was cautioning against and I had ready replies about why its okay to do those things. I chose not to say a word because I don’t want to be labled an apostate. But it sure makes for an uncomfortable place to be when I’m the example of what not to be.
I find it interesting that many of those Gospel Doctrine responses you mentioned would describe Jesus Christ himself. Even some of the commandments that may have lost their meaning in the “letter of the law” (like healing on the Sabbath in Christ’s time) were necessary for Christ to disobey in order to obey a “higher” law. That is something to learn from, regardless of how others apply the gospel to their lives…am I obeying my heart and trading up in all that I do?Perhaps there are some warning signs you can pick up on from those kinds of lessons or what leaders or family members throw out, and you can check your heart if you are willfully rebelling or not.
However, I have found a new love and a new vision for service to others and have such greater peace about myself…that I don’t feel I fit the description of any apostate, so I don’t think those labels apply to me.
Someone on this board months ago reminded me, “what others say is mostly about them, not about you”. Keep that in mind and don’t let them define who you are. Focus on finding truth for you and peace in your life. That is the journey that brings great rewards to us.
Heber13 wrote:Pearl Earring wrote:Yesterday at church the GD lesson was on the cycle of apostasy. The question was asked, “How do you begin on the cycle of apostasy?” Answers included criticizing church leaders, wanting to know more, choosing not to follow some of the commandments, etc. I realized I was doing all those things that the teacher was cautioning against and I had ready replies about why its okay to do those things. I chose not to say a word because I don’t want to be labled an apostate. But it sure makes for an uncomfortable place to be when I’m the example of what not to be.
I find it interesting that many of those Gospel Doctrine responses you mentioned would describe Jesus Christ himself.
Hmmm? I think I agree – and yet, are we not “commanded” to be like, or to become like the Savior? It almost feels like sometimes we are admonished to strive to follow the savior’s example – TO A CERTAIN POINT, and then quit. I guess that is why Fowler tells us that once one achieves stage 6 like the Savior did – there is a good chance you’re going to get killed because of it.
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