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Some of you know I have a TBM daughter with a good heart. She brings home some of the most amazing and kind friends — members and non-members alike. She came home “high” on a spiritual experience twice this week …one of her non-member friends said she really liked my daughter’s attitudes toward standards, modest dress, service, and the friends she has in the church. This friend has been insisting on coming to church activities and church etcetera. She wants to engage with the church, and is talking about baptism, even though she hasn’t had any discussions yet (I’ve expressed caution about that, and of course, making sure parents are involved).
But there is one thing — family, while not obstructing her involvement in the church, have sort of “mocked” her desires to be religious. So have many of her friends. The same thing happened to me when I joined the church as a young adult.
My daughter told me she shared the story of my early life with this girl…about how I lost my girlfriend in college when I joined the church. How my family went anti-Mormon and ostracized me, and then the sacrifices I made to serve a mission. She said she told her friend “you see how important this is to him, that he made those “sacrifices”….
Talk about feeling mixed emotions– “proud” that my daughter apparently thinks so highly of my former self. At the same time, inauthentic. Yet supportive of her missionary efforts at the same time. At one time, I did make those sacrifices. It was important to me at the time I would have sacrificed just about everything (as a Young Adult, I did that very thing). At the same time, my commitment crisis doesn’t match up with that part of my life any longer. Is that person of 30 years ago really who I am today?
Quote:After a couple days of reflecting on who I was, who I am, and my daughter’s perception of me even still, I opt to encourage my daughter and any other teenager who expresses interest in the church.
Why? Because notwithstanding all the warts of our religion, it does provide good structure for teenagers, and the structure, and even some of the policies have “saved my butt” as a parent a number of times in the last couple years. Most notably when my daughter embraced the Strength For Youth approach to dating, in spite of opposition from some of her Mormon friends even.
Ray could probably comment more on “orthopraxy” but my understanding is that the focus is on doing good, rather than getting tied up in the nuances of the underlying doctrine and dogma. I opt to take that approach, that for this season, it’s a good place for my daughter and her friends.
I thought this discussion might be of value here, because it’s tough when you face a commitment or faith crisis. You have this network of relationships, expectations, and family traditions, and Mormon rites of passage to contend with. And those traditions are not all bad.
How do you navigate that conflict, while dealing with issues such as authenticity, or even expectations about your own involvement, as well as the old caution against “Do what I say, and not what I do”? This is the reason I post this now, to hopefully share ideas and thoughts for those who may suffer from faith or commitment loss, while still having members of the church who engage with the gospel at home.
For all that we can complain about the pressures to conform – I agree that the LDS experience for youth can be helpful. Teenagers can be pretty directionless. It can be helpful for them to lean on the LDS framework and support network during that time.
Just because we want them to be “adults of God” someday does not mean that they should forego the training wheels before they are ready.
I am still trying to figure out why even when I was at my “lowest” part of my FC (closest to throwing in the towel) I was still 100% behind my son serving his mission. Not sure if it is schizophrenia, but it still puzzles me. I do think part of it was my mission was hard and I learned to keep going even when things were hard. That is a good thing to learn in life, but sometimes the pressure can be too intense and causes harm rather than strength.
SilentDawning wrote:Talk about feeling mixed emotions– “proud” that my daughter apparently thinks so highly of my former self. At the same time, inauthentic. Yet supportive of her missionary efforts at the same time. At one time, I did make those sacrifices. It was important to me at the time I would have sacrificed just about everything (as a Young Adult, I did that very thing). At the same time, my commitment crisis doesn’t match up with that part of my life any longer. Is that person of 30 years ago really who I am today?
I’m there, too. Thanks for sharing this.Thanks for sharing this. We always try to stress here that being orthodox and/or traditional in the LDS Church works for a whole lot of people and that it doesn’t damage them in any way. Some of the best people I know, in just about every way imaginable, are orthodox, traditional believers – inside and outside the LDS Church.
I am a pragmatist at heart, even as I am intellectually and mentally an idealist. I want to let my mind consider every possibility, but I also want to stay grounded in reality. Orthodoxy doesn’t work for me, but heterodox orthopraxy does. (thinking differently than a norm but living a life that fits the norm) That isn’t inauthentic in any way; it is who I am and want to be.
I know that way is best for me, but I honor and support those who gain happiness, joy and peace in ways that just don’t work for me. I generally try to share my path with those who are struggling to have happiness, joy and peace in their current paths – and I take that approach with those who are bitter and struggling in paths that focus on and enable being bitter and struggling.
Interesting development….just finished a conversation to the wee hours of the morning talking to a non-member 17 year old and my daughter about the 17 year old getting baptized…. In spite of my own late life experiences in the church, I walked away thinking this non-member girl would benefit from an LDS belief system. She asked me how to handle relationships with non-member family as she went through baptism, what the discussions would entail. She shared a lot about a tumultuous family situation. I mostly listened and asked questions, or empathized….she shared a lot about wanting to provide a stable home life for her eventual family, unlike what she grew up with. She sees getting a belief system together as important, in spite of the lack of religiosity in her current family.
They were asking me “what did you like about serving a mission”. “What will they teach me in the discussions?” . Questions about non-member parental involvement in the whole discussion/baptism/transition to a new lifestyle process. Never had a teenager outside the family open up to me so much with so many questions and personal details shared.
I came away from the experience thinking that there is not an absolute right or wrong in this situation.
My perspective is right for me now, but wrong for my daughter and her friend. And thankful that I have mutliple perspectives to share with the world. I was able to talk from a TBM perspective, share the logistics of baptism, parental approval, implications if her mother disapproved of baptism. I was still able to share the positives of my mission when they asked, by simply immersing myself in the perspective I held at the time. No problem. I even felt some gentle warm fuzzies as I shared some touching experiences I remember from my missionary experiences when they asked me to share them.
Then I left the room and sat with my son who has no interest in the church. And I get that too. He is on a different plan. I don’t talk about the Spirit, about traditional Mormon paths — I talk about character…
Is it necessary to be authentic about our contrarionism at all times? Can we not consider ourselves purveyors of multiple perspectives, adopting the perspective that is most fitting to the situation and well-being of the person at the time? It was easy, authentic (and not contrarion) to say “I felt such and such as way when I was a missionary” [authentic — that was the way I felt at the time. “Most church members believe that…..” [true, that IS what most members think].
I like what Ghandi said in the movie Ghandi — “I am a Christian, I am a Muslim, I am a Hindu”….I think I can say from my experience tonite that “I am a traditional believer, I am an unorthodox Mormon, I am a disaffected Mormon, I am a missionary, I am a supportive parent”….My life’s history makes me all of those things as I understand them all because I have lived them all for extended periods of time.
In a way I feel very thankful for a variety of experiences I’ve had in this life, and that even dissaffection has enobled me somewhat. I can now talk to a whole variety of people with different perspectives, and understand them all…
Very xool. Thanks for sharing. You reminded me how I too feel like I can see both sides. It feels odd that others can’t see the others perspective.
That is beautiful, SD. Quote:SilentDawning said “I am a traditional believer, I am an unorthodox Mormon, I am a disaffected Mormon, I am a missionary, I am a supportive parent”
I love that. It captures so much.
SilentDawning wrote:My perspective is right for me now, but wrong for my daughter and her friend.
This is what struck me most. I think this is true for all of us, and it is how I cope with the beliefs of other members. (It was pretty close to a knock-down-drag- out it priesthood today regarding use of electronics in church – another thread, for sure, but an example of something being totally right for one person and wrong for another.)
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