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I know every situation is unique, but I’d appreciate some input from those whose kids have left the church. What were your conversations like? What advice? I know the bottom line is we love you no matter what, but it’s a big decision for a young person. I want to be helpful and wise.
Just to be clear – left the home or left the church? Either is a good question. I never did have conversations with either of my kids. At one point we did encourage our daughter to attend the YSA to find friends. It worked for a while but not very long. Now if their leaving affects family house rules that would be an entirely different story. But just stopping LDS attendance was one I just let go. I want them to own the decision at some point in their lives. No guilt attached. I am a firm believer in the 8th Article of Faith. They all know I still attend and conversations come up about church memories or general religion from time to time but I try to keep my responses as general as the topic.
I will be interested in anyone else’s experience. Great Topic Ann.
mom3 wrote:
I never did have conversations with either of my kids. At one point we did encourage our daughter to attend the YSA to find friends. It worked for a while but not very long.
Has either of them joined or affiliated with another church?Did they distance themselves from you after leaving, or no real change in your relationship? What’s your sense of whether leaving accomplished what they wanted it to in their lives?
Quote:Has either of them joined or affiliated with another church?
No neither of them have so far. However for years we as a family had associated with other churches. Both kids attended Seventh Day Adventist school and plenty of church related events with that. Later they were in Christian Youth Theater which brought us into direct contact with tons of Evangelical’s. When my husband was exiting and trying to find a resting point we attended UU church, Evangelical churches, did Home Bible group with Evangelical’s, and RLDS. He never fully landed on any of them, but we definitely put our feet in the water.
Quote:Did they distance themselves from you after leaving, or no real change in your relationship?
The relationships didn’t change. The transition was gradual, which helped. I had spent 5 years with their dad in limbo, so I think he cut the first tie, and I had been the one that told him to finally do it. He was physically ill from attending church. I had also grown up with life models of including inactive (or I thought non-members) in the family, so I just kept being their mom. In fairness they didn’t challenge house rules. Boyfriends weren’t suddenly sleeping over. Smoking and drinking didn’t erupt in life. They just were busy elsewhere on Sunday.
Quote:What’s your sense of whether leaving accomplished what they wanted it to in their lives?
I think it brought some measure of peace. I think it also depends on why a person is leaving. They were young enough and less connected enough to be hurt and angry. My husband had, and still has a lot of hurt and that is tougher. My daughter is an anthropologist and see’s church through that lens so it’s easy for her to step away from a tribal ritual. My son needed the break from unhealthy leaders. He considers himself a spiritual person, more of a deist, but most of his friends are Evangelical and he likes hanging with them. They are positive place in his life.If one of them came to you with plans to join another church and wantedto discuss and have some input from you, what would be on your short list? - Do they plan on resigning from LDS church or just start attending a new church?
- What are they looking for in a church?
- How can I help them feel connected to our family as they make the transition?
Ann wrote:
If one of them came to you with plans to join another church andwantedto discuss and have some input from you, what would be on your short list?
Don’t join Scientology or JWs, period. They make what people like us go through look like a stroll in the park. For any church, I’d ask my child to research this question: If I later decide to leave, can I leave with my dignity and relationships intact? If the answer is “no,” stay far away.
I fully understand that this standard could keep people from joining our church. Well, my experience being on its margins is what inspired this question.
In general, I’d just want my kid to really think it through. Just feeling good about it isn’t enough. Joining a religion is a big commitment, for an individual and his or her descendants.
I am married in the temple, with a child on the way. But I no longer hold a literal belief in the Church, despite attending regularly and following the Church standards. My ward leaders, as well as many members know where I stand. I’ve taken a strict policy of honesty, contributing where I can, and non-antagoism. My dad is the Stake President (not of my current stake). He is the fullest believer in the Church. Lives it and loves it with all his soul. One of the most Christ-like people I have ever met. And yet he tells me regularly, “I am so grateful you married in the Temple, and have remained fully active in the Church.” When he asks me questions like, “Why haven’t you recieved a calling yet?”, I dodge the question. This Christmas, he wanted to attend the temple with my wife. “My temple recommend expired, and I didn’t get the chance to renew it.” Technically true… I never signed up.
I haven’t yet been able to bring myself to tell him. Chances are, he’s going to catch on sooner or later. How do you tell your parents “I love you. I love the Church. I am so grateful you brought me up LDS. I no longer believe in it.”?
dande48 wrote:
I am married in the temple, with a child on the way. But I no longer hold a literal belief in the Church, despite attending regularly and following the Church standards. My ward leaders, as well as many members know where I stand. I’ve taken a strict policy of honesty, contributing where I can, and non-antagoism.My dad is the Stake President (not of my current stake). He is the fullest believer in the Church. Lives it and loves it with all his soul. One of the most Christ-like people I have ever met. And yet he tells me regularly, “I am so grateful you married in the Temple, and have remained fully active in the Church.” When he asks me questions like, “Why haven’t you recieved a calling yet?”, I dodge the question. This Christmas, he wanted to attend the temple with my wife. “My temple recommend expired, and I didn’t get the chance to renew it.” Technically true… I never signed up.
I haven’t yet been able to bring myself to tell him. Chances are, he’s going to catch on sooner or later. How do you tell your parents “I love you. I love the Church. I am so grateful you brought me up LDS. I no longer believe in it.”?
I will let you know as I have not figured that one out either. This is a hard one. My parents will still love me as I have siblings that are not in the church and they are still loved. But I know it will break their heart and I know for weeks my mom will be tearfully praying each morning and night for me.I do like a bit of what Kristy Money is putting forward in her Mormon Journey’s podcasts on this subject.
dande48 wrote:
How do you tell your parents “I love you. I love the Church. I am so grateful you brought me up LDS. I no longer believe in it.”?
I might say something to the effect that you are exploring and serving in the church on your own terms. You are not settled or defiant – you are just taking one step at a time. You were blessed to come from a good home that shaped your good heart. You are feeling your way through things and need some space to do so at your own pace. Follow that up with a big hug and an “I love you.”
You say, with a loving smile: Quote:“I love you. I love the Church. I am so grateful you brought me up LDS. I’m in the process of figuring out my own faith in everything. Thank you so much for raising me in such a way that I feel like I can do that.”
Then, as Roy said, hug them.
Quote:How do you tell your parents “I love you. I love the Church. I am so grateful you brought me up LDS. I no longer believe it.
dande48 – Sorry for the stress this is causing you. You’re probably much older and at a different stage of life than the child I’m talking about, but I’d still like to know: Do you plan to just step away from this and all churches, or do you see yourself actively looking for another? And, in general, what would you want to hear from your parents – a basic, I love you and let me know if I can help? Or prefer more involved questions?With my own mom, fwiw, even though I’m completely active, I am disillusioned and sometimes openly critical of it with her. But I make sure to say that I think I completely understand why she joined the church and that, in many ways, it was a godsend for our family. I appreciate everything she did for me. I also just try to comfort her. Tell her that I believe we’re all going to be together hereafter, regardless of what the church teaches. I let her see my confidence in that. (And I skip entirely the other fact: that about one day in ten I doubt there’s an afterlife at all. Not helpful, to her or me.)
If you like podcasts at all, you might want to look at https://mormonjourneys.org/https://mormonjourneys.org/” class=”bbcode_url”> LookingHard wrote:
If you like podcasts at all, you might want to look athttps://mormonjourneys.org/https://mormonjourneys.org/” class=”bbcode_url”>
Thanks. I will check it out. (I need to learn the tricks I’ve heard about! Setting the playing speed faster, etc.)
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