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People in my family do not get divorced – it’s as simple as that. No matter how bad the marriages become, in my family we stay married. The stigma one would get from ending a marriage would be intense from my relatives, and the religious aspect of it all is pretty overwhleming obviously. My brother married his pregnant girlfriend when they were about 18 and got divorced immediately after the birth of the baby. They hated each other like you cannot imagine, but…they got the divorce annulled within a month, still hate each other, and are still married almost 20 years and 6 kids later. My brother once told me he would never do it again under any circumstance. Suffice it to say that divorce is simply not an option in the P— family. However, I have realized over the past year, that my marriage is over, and I am planning to file the papers within the next week or two. It has not been an easy decision, but I see no other option at this point due to a variety of reasons that I don’t think need to be mentioned right now. It just needs to end. I’m quite nervous about how my parents will react, but I barely speak to them anyway, and I have bigger worries than them to be concerned with. As for the actual divorce, I sincerely believe there will be no contention between my wife and I throughout this process. I will always take care of her and our children, and will always be exceptionally close to them. We will not fight over custody, the house, or any worldly possessions (neither one of us is like that), but I know it is not going to be an easy process and/or enjoyable. We simply have nothing in common except for 5 wonderful kids, and we both deserve more in life than to stay married and remain miserable. She does not necessarily like this decision, but she has started to accept it I think. Somehow, some way, she will be fine.
My question for my friends here is as follows:
How can I make sure my children know that this is not about them? They have absolutely nothing to do with the reasons behind this separation. I don’t worry too much about my 2 oldest, or even my 2 youngest because they have really close friends etc. to help them out, but my 14 year old son is very different from the rest of them. He is way more sensitive than the others, doesn’t have too many close friends, and I’m afraid this will devastate him beyond belief. He is the child that is my greatest difficulty in life – mainly because he is so much like me, and I do not want him to get hurt. He and I have a strained relationship to say the least, but he is truly a gifted and wonderful child who does not need any more disappointment. I honestly feel like he will be better off without me being around so much, but I don’t know if he will ever be able to understand the reasons behind all of this. His testimony of the gospel is very strong, although he cannot stand the way people treat others at church. That is one of the few areas where he and I can discuss it without some level of disagreement. He is a very bright kid with a lot of intuition, and the divorce will not surprise him at all. The other kids will be mildly surprised, but I truly think they will handle it very well.
My wife will certainly want to make sure the kids stay active in the church, but that’s not too important to me – I am way more concerned about their secular well being. I don’t think church leaders are equipped and/or qualified to deal with this kind of thing, and certainly this will be a tough thing for everyone involved, but if they want to remain active I will fully support them in that.
So, any advice for me from any of you that have gone through this, or even those who have not, would be greatly appreciated. I am feeling quite lonely, apprehensive, and nervous about it, but I have now accepted that it will eventually be for the best. Thanks in advance.
I am sorry to hear it is over – but I’m not. This is one thing that simply has to be a personal, thoughtful decision – and it obviously is in this case. Quote:How can I make sure my children know that this is not about them?
Tell them openly and honestly and without equivocation – and don’t use them in ANY way as leverage in ANY part of the actual divorce agreement. Let them remain active in the Church if they continue to live with their mother OR if they want to do so, without trying in ANY way to dissuade them. Continue to be an active part of their lives, no matter what sacrifice that takes. Continue to love their mother to the best of your ability, and I mean that in the ACTIVE way in which the scriptures define that term – as Elder Bednar addressed it in his GC talk about not being a love hypocrite.
You and yours will be in my prayers, even more than the regular “bless my friends at StayLDS.com” focus.
Hi Wendell my friend! Yes, it is a challenging process for everybody. I have to say, in many ways the traditional LDS process of marriage needs some work! There is the teaching (accurate or not) that we should get married quite soon after the mission. I understand that is to help keep us “morally clean.” But, my goodness, we need to get to know our future spouse — beyond the burning of the bosom that tells us she’s the one (I think that is mostly hormones anyway, and that is a poor way to choose a spouse!).
Anyway, in my case, the divorce was the best thing that could have happened — for everybody! We married under pretenses that were not accurate…and four kids later, we came to understand that. So we sat each of them down, and with tears told them we were splitting. The first thing that we let them know was that they had nothing to do with it, and that we loved them deeply. Frankly, I am closer to my kids now more than ever. It kinda forces you to pay attention to the relationships with each of them.
I’m sorry to hear about your son; I would suggest you keep working at the relationship, even if it is just lunches or such. It is so important to each of you to have a relationship. Deep down, he needs to know he is loved by you…and I know you do!
Good luck, and hopefully you can see light at the end of the tunnel!
I don’t have any wisdom but I wish the best for you. I know it’s never easy. Thanks for letting us know what is going on. I have been praying and thinking about you alot lately. I am glad decisions are finally being made. It is better than being in limbo, but moving through a dark tunnel is scary. I almost divorced a few years ago myself and it is nerve wracking. Kind of like ‘Throwing up” . Horrible while you are going through it but you feel better after. I will write you privately. I wish you the best. I wonder if there is not any way for you and your wife to reconcile. It seems as though there is not so much animosity that the relationship is unhealthy, at least from your description. Divorce is hard on kids, of course, but it’s also hard as adults to avoid making the same mistakes in future relationships as well. Regardless, good thoughts and wishes are being sent your way and to your whole family through this difficult time. wendell wrote:As for the actual divorce, I sincerely believe there will be no contention between my wife and I throughout this process.
[snip]
My question for my friends here is as follows:
How can I make sure my children know that this is not about them? They have absolutely nothing to do with the reasons behind this separation. I don’t worry too much about my 2 oldest, or even my 2 youngest because they have really close friends etc. to help them out, but my 14 year old son is very different from the rest of them.
I offer my thoughts in best inentions as a friend, and totally realize I don’t know all you’ve gone through or what may be best based on what professionals know from study or experience…but if it helps, I just would like to warn that you should not get overly confident that it can all end without contention. I just haven’t ever heard of people going through the process and things not getting difficult. It is usually just a matter of if the difficulty is worth while inthe end to be better off divorced than together…but it usually starts getting into things that do make everything personal and difficult.Especially with the kids…as you stated…it would be nice to see them understand it has nothing to do with them…but in reality…it has everything to do with their reality and world. The home is the basis for their self of identity. So even if the others besides the 14 yr old are able to cope well with things…I don’t think it will be easy for them either.
So with all that said, I just think the best thing for you is realize how difficult it will be..but if you still feel there is no other way and all other resources have been exhausted, then being open, honest, and loving will be key to keep communication wide open with the kids. Let them go through their emotional challenges through it all, and just try to love them unconditionally…and try to focus on what will be best in the long run for them all, including you. The more open and honest you can be, the better chance that in long long run…maybe years later when they’re older and see life differently, they’ll be able to better understand the situation.
God bless. Feel free to use the group here as support for you in this difficult time.
Hey Wendell, Hugs to you. I know the decision to divorce could not have been easy for you. But I remember you stating how unhappy you and your wife had become. I so hope that you can continue to heal and be the best father you can be to your children. I wish you well.
pinkpatent
This is really difficult for you Wendell and we all appreciate how much pain it causes. You need to understand that no matter how much you explain things to your kids they are going to be hurt and don’t be too sure that the older kids will have the least problem with the breakup simply because they are getting on with their own lives. You need to make sure that you develop a new relationship with each of the kids and work at making it effective, loving and supportive. This is a hard step and only you and your wife can negotiate it, we all hope the best for you and are here to share.
Thank you all so much for your kind words. This has been, and will continue to be, a very difficult time in our lives, but I am dedicated to making it as simple as possible. I do not want to disrupt my childrens’ lives too much as they are all very involved in athletics, music, and education. So, we are going to take it slow, try to keep them out of the tough things as much as possible, and do our best to keep this entire affair civil. Thanks again, and any additional advice would be greatly appreciated.
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