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I haven’t been wearing my garments for about 6 months now because I really find them uncomfortable and feel ugly in them and I was beginning to resent them. I am enjoying the freedom of not wearing them, even though I am still modest and I do miss going to the temple. Anyways, my mother and I are very close and I tell her almost everything but I haven’t told her about my faith crisis because I don’t want her to worry about my soul and ask lots of questions because I know she would. She also doesn’t know that I haven’t been to the temple in a year or worn garments in 6 months. Well recently it’s been awkward because garment questions have been coming up and I’ve been trying to dance around them. Like yesterday I was telling her how I need a skin colored bra so I can wear it under white shirts so it won’t obviously show through. And she said ‘well if you get a white bra it’ll just blend in with your garments’. I responded with ‘yeah that’s true’. I also brought up at another point how I didn’t want to wear tank tops under shirts during the summer because it’s an extra layer and she said ‘yeah and you’re already wearing 2 shirts basically so it would suck to add another one’. I just agreed. She’s also coming to help me the first week we have our next baby this coming October and I want to breastfeed this time so I know I’ll need her help and she’ll most likely find out I don’t have garments on as I practice moving my shirts around to breastfeed.
So idk what to do because I’m worried that if I tell her that i’m not wearing garments that she’ll start to wonder if something is wrong and she may start to suspect my faith crisis. Plus the only real reason I have for not wearing them is discomfort and I have a hard time feeling like they’re actually important, but idk how to tell her that. So yeah, I feel like it’s inevitable that she’ll find out once this next baby comes because she’ll probably ask about whether I got nursing garments and things like that. I still want her to come and help because we had her help when our first child came and we really enjoyed the help that first week so this time she’ll be able to help with our first child while we get used to the new child. Anyways, any advice on how to tell her I don’t wear garments or should I just keep dancing around the questions and let her figured it out on her own when she comes down in October?
I’m so sorry for the stress this is for you. I think you should just tell her and get it over with. If you are as close as you say, she may be disappointed and sad, but it’s better to just get it out there. You had a couple of missed opportunities with the bra and tank top thing. I wouldn’t, however, go too far into your faith crisis issues unless you feel it needs to be said, but I’d just stick with that you haven’t been wearing them and that you don’t like them or feel it’s necessary to wear them. I would tell her – but emphasize that you aren’t leaving the Church over the garment. You just are struggling right now with wearing them and need time to figure things out – or something like that. I wouldn’t want her to find out some other way and feel like I was deceiving her.
AlwaysThinking, So, let me get this strait. You have experienced a faith crisis and you don’t wear garments, but you know your mom will figure out that you don’t wear garments and will divine that you have had a faith crisis, right?
My advice is to stop trying to hide. Ask, yourself these two questions:
– Do you think it will be better for your relationship if you tell your mom, or if your mom discovers it without you first telling her?
– If the roles were reversed, would you want your mom hiding her faith crisis from you to the point where she feels the kinds of stresses that you are feeling?
I suffered a lot, and for a long time, before I finally “came clean” with loved ones, so believe me when I say, I get you completely. For me, what I discovered is that the secret sauce in telling people about your faith crisis is as follows:
– absolutely do not talk about the ‘why’, because that will lead to disagreement… instead just say you are no longer a believer and explain that you don’t want to talk about why.
– be ready to express that you are still trying to be a good person and to lead the kind of life that you were raised to live, even if your faith has changed. When a loved one hears about your faith crisis, their first concern will be weather you will live CONTRARY to what you have been taught (affairs, drugs, alcohol, quitting your job and leaving your family to go live with a guy who lives on a boat).
– express graciousness toward the Church and the faithful people in it. The disaffected have a bad, and deserved, reputation for either taking others with them or for acting angrily toward the Church (or both). I always tell people that I love the Church and its people and I would never do anything to hurt them, and that I respect them for their faith.
And finally, if you do decide to talk to her, sooner is better. The longer you wait, the more difficult it will become. You don’t want this to coincide with the birth of your child. My advice is to do it now so that you can go on with the rest of your life. The upcoming birth and her plan to come and help you already makes this a great opportunity, because you can express that you still need her help and you hope she will be able to come. Then, when you are together for such a wonderful occasion, love can still flow even with everything out on the table.
Hi, AlwaysThinking – Sorry also for your stress. This can play out a million different ways. I talk about my church issues with my mom as they come up in conversation. And even though she sees that I don’t wear garments all the time, we haven’t talked about it. Not that I wouldn’t tell her my thinking on it. I’m trying to model how I wish things were in our culture, i.e., that wearing garments is a private issue. That not wearing them doesn’t mean anythingon its face. Best wishes for you and your new baby.
Quote:I’m trying to model how I wish things were in our culture, i.e., that wearing garments is a private issue. That not wearing them doesn’t mean anything on its face.
Ann, this resonates me for so much. Too often everything is seen as a symbol of something specific, big and scary – apostasy. Life is more complex than that.
Just to share a personal story, I was initially judgmental (in my 20s) when I found out that a beloved older relative drank beer occasionally until he died, although he was very active in the church. I hadn’t really ever heard of anyone doing that who also went to church regularly, so to me it didn’t make sense. I thought you were in or you were out, that if you were in, you had to know it was “all in” and not do things like that. I didn’t know, for example, that the word of wisdom wasn’t originally widely adopted like it is now or that it wasn’t even really binding (let along “enforced”) when this person was younger. With or without that knowledge, though, I had that self-righteousness of a 20-something–the kind that comes with less life experience. My husband disagreed with my simplistic view of things and made me stop and think why I was being so lacking in empathy. I still didn’t understand why he did what he did, but I paid attention to the idea that my views aren’t the only way to live your life.
Obviously now, at 48 years old, I have a lot more life experience and can more easily understand why people do things I don’t necessarily do. I have more empathy and more compassion. Maybe your mom will too.
I agree with everyone else. It’ll be hard to tell her but it’ll be better than not saying anything and make it look like you were hiding it. Lots of good advice here on how to handle that. A couple years ago I bought new garmets and they were an inch or two longer than the old ones and none of my shorts were long enough to cover them! It was so frustrating to me and so I can only imagine how frustrating it must be for women to go shopping and most of the stuff in the store you can’t wear. I get their purpose but I think it’s a little excessive.
I guess I have a dissenting opinion because I feel that what you wear under your clothes is really just your own business and you have no obligation to tell anyone what undies you decide to wear. I do understand the huge cultural expectation to wear them, however, and the way many members look for them on others and feel that unspoken kinship with those who are wearing the same undies. It certainly distinguishes the “good Mormons” from the rest of em and has become an rather conspicuous expression of one’s church standing. So, NOT wearing them invites looks, whispers, gossip, and conjecture. Unfortunately, like Hawk girl indicated, many of us don’t have very many good models of good people doing many good works who aren’t wearing the same undies and avoiding the same drinks as all the good people we rub shoulders with. We’re conditioned to believe that people who drink beer and bare shoulders don’t do the good works or turn out to be really happy.
So, having courage to disclose your choice of underwear can be, I think, a good thing that helps others consider a more heterodox view. We can become those models.
That being said, disclosing underwear choice TOO loudly can lead to forfeiture of a golden ticket, so if that’s important to you, it may be best to keep undies personal.
My wife has gone through these same or very similar issues with her family members.
I see it differently. I would simply wear the garments when my mom was around. I can make that sacrifice to keep the peace. I also wonder if u are secretly wanting to tell your mom and just don’t k oe how, or are just anxious about it. If u can get to the point where u feel your lack of garments is no one’s biz but your own, and not be concerned about a bit of discomfort in wearing them when mom is around, the problem goes away Cnsl1 wrote:I guess I have a dissenting opinion because I feel that what you wear under your clothes is really just your own business and you have no obligation to tell anyone…
You bring up a good point Cnsl1. Let me clarify my earlier comment. I’m only concerned with expressing to loved ones about the faith crisis itself. I have told many, many people about my FC and it has been very liberating. I can’t recall ever talking about garments. If the not-wearing-of-garments is going to ‘expose‘ a person as a non-follower, I would much prefer to have my beliefs out in the open before putting others into a position where they will wonder about me (talking about friends and family, not the average acquaintance). If they know I’m a non-believer and they observe that I must not be wearing garments, I think they will make the connection. Cnsl1 wrote:I guess I have a dissenting opinion because I feel that what you wear under your clothes is really just your own business and you have no obligation to tell anyone what undies you decide to wear.
I agree with this but if her mom is going to come visit then she will notice and say something whether or not she wanted to discuss it. I think that’s almost a given with the way that most mormons look for garmets on others like you said, so then the question becomes either telling her now or letting her find out when she visits and which would be better overall. Although what SD suggests is something to consider too.
The decision will be yours and we have all enjoyed giving our two cents. Only you know what your mother will do or potentially how she will react. I am a peace keeper by nature and so I don’t tell everyone everything. Even about underwear. If as the time draws nigh you still find yourself torn, you can take an out, that may ease tensions or give you a glimpse as to her reaction. As a mom I have birthed 3 babies, every time I didn’t get right back into my religious undies. Yes I know they make nursing ones, but there is a lot more going on than just nursing. Hormones berserk, body changes, etc. A couple of months after things settled down and became closer to my normal, then I went back to the authorized underwear.
If you need you can use the same logic with your mom if she asks. If she is okay with it then go farther if you choose. If not, leave it said, do as Ann and others have suggested and don’t say anymore.
It sort of sounds to me like you’re almost inviting a discussion on garments. Why even mention bras or tank tops or anything that could potentially turn into a discussion on a topic you’re rather not discuss? I didn’t wear my garments for several years in a row, and it really wasn’t an issue. Ann wrote:I’m trying to model how I wish things were in our culture, i.e., that wearing garments is a private issue. That not wearing them doesn’t mean anything on its face.
This is basically my approach. Sometimes I wear garments and sometimes I do not. I do not really see any problem with not wearing them when it is hot and muggy. I often wear undershirts that control my excessive armpit sweating on top and pair them with my garment bottoms. This does not necessarily mean anything about my commitment to the church.
I also do not as a rule wear my wedding band. My fingers grew in girth and it was uncomfortable. I am 100% committed to my wife and what is or is not on my ring finger hasn’t changed that in the slightest.
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