Dating after a faith crisis

[Anonymous]

I know this probably seems like a petty problem when compared to all those people who risk losing their marriages over a faith crisis, but it is still something I worry about and will have to face. Until fairly recently I was actively dating and looking for a serious relationship that would lead to marriage but I decided it would be best to put dating on hold until things have settled a little more.

But how do you go back to dating after something like this? I really don’t feel like I have much to offer a girl who is a faithful, believing member. And at the same time, the church is so much a part of my personal and cultural identity that I can’t really see marrying someone who doesn’t share, or at least understand that part of my life. I also have every intention of continuing to live the church standards regardless of whether I ultimately stay or leave, and want to raise my kids with those standards. I could turn out to be dead wrong, but it just seems to me that it will be very difficult to find someone who fits me in these ways.

[Anonymous]

Why not date to have some companionship?

Why do all prospects have to be in the church?

I’m not talking about casual sex or every date is a prospective eternal companion.

There has to be something inbetween.

Mike from Milton.

[Anonymous]

Inactive and former members outnumber the active by a factor of at least 3 to 1. There are far more imperfect, non-orthodox on some level, questioning Mormons out there than any amount you will find that refuse to date anyone less “worthy” than Jesus…

I agree with the basic premise though. I think I would have a hard time forming a long-standing marriage relationship with someone who had no idea about Mormonism.

It’s up to you really if you feel it’s a good time to be out in the dating world. But I wouldn’t stress about it too much. If nothing else, obsessing about details like that will probably contribute to passing up opportunities to meet otherwise compatible people.

[Anonymous]

You have yourself. If you are OK with yourself, that is enough.

So, the key is getting OK with yourself.

I’m glad you are trying to figure out your own faith. That’s important – but nobody dates and marries a completed person. Much of successful relationships of any kind is the willingness (and, ideally, actual encouragement) to allow the other person to change and grow in the same way we desire to change and grow.

Living with the dead (unchanging, unevolving) is relatively easy; living with the living (changing, evolving) is harder – but it’s where the fullest joy and wonder is, ime.

[Anonymous]

+1 Ray’s comments.

I have thought about that situation – what if my faith journey came before I married. All I can suggest is to be yourself, always. Be your best self. If you want to be in the church then date in the church, but be open enough about your views (more so as dating gets more serious) to present a realistic picture of who you are and what you think. All kinds of people find their proper mate, there are all kinds of members in the church, I think it probably appears to be a bigger obstacle than it really is.

[Anonymous]

Brian Johnston wrote:

Inactive and former members outnumber the active by a factor of at least 3 to 1. There are far more imperfect, non-orthodox on some level, questioning Mormons out there than any amount you will find that refuse to date anyone less “worthy” than Jesus…

The problem is meeting them though…

[Anonymous]

Quote:

The problem is meeting them though…

Maybe drive around from building to building in Utah County on Sunday and chatting up any women hanging out in the foyers without children?

[Anonymous]

bc_pg wrote:

Quote:

The problem is meeting them though…

Maybe drive around from building to building in Utah County on Sunday and chatting up any women hanging out in the foyers without children?

:clap: 😆 :clap:

I’d love that, but I don’t live in America.

I keep on getting interested in married women as well. I keep thinking “she’s nice”, then finding out “she’s married”. Not good.

As for the SA, I’ve been to a few things, and the age range is… somewhat broad.

[Anonymous]

Here’s my question for you – do you consider yourself to be a faithful believing member, or really, what is your criteria for what a “faithful believing member” is? I have a hard time believing that even Molly Mormon and Peter Priesthood have the exact same testimony, so you may have more to offer a “faithful” LDS woman than you think. The only way she will know if you have something to offer her is if you put yourself out there and let her get to know you. She may even appreciate your honesty.

Of course, as someone who met his wife on Facebook, I say don’t limit yourself to just your local area. I don’t know where you live, but you might be able to start up an online conversation with someone that might be perfect for you. There may even be a fabulous girl right here in this forum that might be a great match for you! (I don’t have anything to base that on, as I haven’t been along here long enough to know how many single members are in this group, and even if I had been, I wouldn’t be looking, because as I mentioned, I’m already married. )

Keep us posted!

[Anonymous]

SamBee wrote:

The problem is meeting them though…

+1 I’m still trying to figure out ways to meet people outside the church. I know a lot of people go to bars and clubs for that purpose, but I’m really not comfortable in that kind of environment. And again, probably not the best place to find the kind of girls I’m interested in dating.

TragedianActor wrote:

do you consider yourself to be a faithful believing member, or really, what is your criteria for what a “faithful believing member” is?

I consider myself to be a faithful member to the extent that I still try to live the moral standards. But I’m not a “believing member” in that I’m not sure if I believe in a lot of the core doctrines anymore, like priesthood authority, authenticity of the Book of Mormon, divinity of Jesus Christ, etc. I guess when I say I don’t have a lot to offer a girl that is a “faithful believing member”, I mean a girl who is very orthodox and mainstream and expects nothing less than a temple marriage and hopes her husband is a man who does his home teaching every month, leads in family scripture study, etc.

Six months ago that was very much the man I was trying to be, and was really only interested in the Molly-Mormon type of girls. This whole faith journey was kind of turned everything upside down for me though.

[Anonymous]

I guess the question you have to ask yourself is do you want a temple marriage? And maybe to know the answer to that question, you have to ask yourself two preliminary questions:

1)When you do find that someone who you want to be married to, do you want your marriage to last for all eternity and be with her for all eternity, or do you want your marriage to automatically separate upon death?

2)Do you believe that being married in the temple will provide you with that kind of marriage?

I think if the answer to all of the above is yes, then there’s a way to work out the questions about priesthood authority. I know for me, the growth of my testimony actually works backwards from the temple (rather than working forwards from the Book of Mormon, like we’re taught it’s supposed to. ) I had the good fortune of being sealed to my parents at the age of 7, so I was actually in the temple at a much younger age than most people’s first temple experience, and that has stuck with me throughout my life. From there, I went and did baptisms for the dead, I learned more about the temple experience, and when I was interviewed to receive the Melchizedek Priesthood, one of the reasons I said I wanted to accept it was because I wanted to go to the temple and receive my endowments. (Turns out that wasn’t enough, but that’s a different story. )

So from there, I worked backwards logically, in that since the experience I had in the temple was so powerfully real, then there had to be some priesthood authority that made that temple experience possible, which meant that priesthood really was restored to Joseph Smith by Peter, James, and John, and that meant that the church organization was at least structurally correct. Now, do I agree with every single jot and tittle of the gospel? No, or else I wouldn’t have any motivation to join a group like this one. But the motivation to receive temple blessings, and especially to receive a temple marriage, is enough to keep me going.

So now the ball’s in your court. What do you believe, and what do you want? The decisions you make after that are dependent on your answers.

[Anonymous]

Quote:

What do you believe, and what do you want?

Yeah, all other things aside, working through those two questions is important – and doing so with the recognition that you aren’t an island hermit but part of a broader community (of one kind or another) no matter what you decide.

I wouldn’t try to figure out 1,000 things you believe and want in order to act, when it comes to dating and marriage. Two or three core minimums is a good place to start.

For me, as I said in a recent post, those core minimums are the principles of the Gospel (worded in non-Mormon-specific terms) and my DEEP, abiding love for my wife. Following the dictates of my own conscience and truly becoming one with her – everything else is negotiable / flexible detail.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been pondering your question since I first saw it posted, thinking I might come up with something. I haven’t, really, but I like what Mike, Brian and Ray had to say.

I must say that even not having grown up in the church, there is a really strong expectation I have taken on, almost an intuitive knowledge that there’s only that one way that courtship and marriage is supposed to go, and that it includes the temple and all the other trappings of LDS cultural expectations. I don’t necessarily believe that any longer, in spite of myself, but there’s no doubt that there is a lot of value to that model, and it makes sense that we drill it into the heads of the youth from a very young age. Since my faith issues surfaced long after I got married, I never had to ask myself the questions you are dealing with, and I can empathize with how difficult it may seem at times. Fitting the mold makes what to do next seem relatively simple (sort of). Not fitting the mold opens up all kinds of unanswered questions. And, I think, possibilities.

My kids will be going through this soon (actually now, I guess), and though they aren’t dealing with questioning in the same way I am, they do, I hope, ponder what it is that makes an honest, fulfilling and lasting relationship. I hope they are mature enough to know that it’s not as simple as “read your scriptures, say your prayers, etc” and it will all work out fine and dandy. Sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn’t. There’s a lot more to it than that, and though statistics may show that a common religious understanding is necessary for a successful marriage, I think that for two people that really understand themselves, this may not be necessary.

It’s a big world out there, and I believe there’s someone for everybody.

[Anonymous]

Thanks Doug. That was a really thoughtful response.

[Anonymous]

leavingthecave25 wrote:

Thanks Doug. That was a really thoughtful response.

No problem. You get what you pay for.

[Author]

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