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I’m not sure what to do about this situation. I have been attending on and off with my three children, but, I just can’t see doing it for much longer. My cog dis is so bad, and with their Dad not active, my daughter feels that a lot of the teachings are saying her Dad is not a good person, she is 8. Today in primary, they learned about ‘spirit prison’, and her teacher said that people who have been taught the Gospel but don’t accept it, those that haven’t heard it, etc. will go to spirit prison. We are in a branch, so primary has about 10 kids in it, so it is pretty open and talkative. My younger son, who is 6, piped up and said, my Dad doesn’t believe that Heavenly Father is real, so he will go to prison. The teacher, who happens to also be a personal friend told me that she said that Heavenly Father gives us consequences for our choices, and that our Dad knows the consequences. Then, my daughter said to her in a sarcastic tone, “Well, thank you VERY much for saying my Dad is going to spirit prison!!’ So, my friend pulls me aside and tells me after church what happened, and that she isn’t sure why my daughter is acting out like this, as she knows the ‘right’ answer to everything and is never disrespectful. I told her that I would let her know that she is not to disrespect the teacher, but I also told my friend that the teachings of the church are not ‘family friendly’ when you have a close family member that is not keeping the commandments. I talked to my daughter on the way home and explained to her how people have different opinions about what the scriptures and teachings mean, and it is okay to disagree with those teachings, but we should not say rude things to them. Anyway, she was mad at me and wouldn’t talk to me.
I am really concerned about how this is ultimately going to affect my kids and their relationship with me and their Dad. He drinks and doesn’t go to church and is atheist, and they are getting old enough to know that he used to go to church and believe, but has rejected all of that, and what the church teaches are the consequences of that choice. I feel like I can’t win. I am afraid my daughter will grow up resenting me because I have taken her to a church that teaches her that her Dad is ‘bad’, or I am afraid she will resent her Dad for not staying in the church, or resent both of us for making her spiritual life horrible and confusing. With my own questions and issues with the church, I feel like maybe I should just give it up. I would appreciate any thoughts you may have…
-I am grateful that you had such honesty from your friend. What a blessing and a gift. -I think your daughter deserves an attagirl, a high five, and an apology from you (I’m just saying what I would do and have blessed for doing in your shoes. I would kneel at her bedside and tell her I was wrong, I am clueless, and I will keep trying to do better.). It sounds like she was perfectly honest in a way that was not unkind in spite of its breaking the role taboos at church. Sometimes stiff old taboos aren’t worth respecting, and mainly serve to preserve institutions or methods of questionable value. It’s really important at this moment to validate her integrity and loyalty.
-If you can establish a special, loving peer relationship with your maturing daughter (sister) and your other children (brothers and sisters), I think you will see miracles no matter what your decision becomes regarding church attendance. When they see your burgeoning, blossoming honesty and openness, they will develop an uncommon strength that comes from choosing their own way among diversity.
Quote:I am afraid my daughter will grow up resenting me because I have taken her to a church that teaches her that her Dad is ‘bad’, or I am afraid she will resent her Dad for not staying in the church, or resent both of us for making her spiritual life horrible and confusing.
I think your current discomfort, if you heed it and address it, can be a doorway to a new reality. The important resentment would be for your having failed to recognize her strength, and having censured her for showing nobility of bearing.
Isn’t it wonderful that kids come with no training manual?
:crazy: I’m not sure what to make of this. On one hand, I think it’s good that your daughter was able to internalize the plan of salvation as it relates to her father, although I think it’s heavy for a young kid to have to think about her Dad going to some kind of Spirit prison like that. I also agree it was decent of your friend to talk to you about this, although I object to her ‘he knows the consequences of his actions” response to your daughter. This is judgmental and focuses on the negatives.
A better answer would be to describe the opportunities we have to change, that God loves everyone, and doesn’t WANT people to go to prison — that is why we have the atonement. Also, the teaching that in the end, we all all acknowledge that God’s judgments are just. Focus on the fairness of the PoS, the opportunities afforded by the atonement, and hope that her Dad will eventually believe in God. Also, stress the need to respect one’s parents, and that we are all imperfect in some way.
This is an issue that I’m dealing with as well. I have no answer really. We know what the teachers are going to teach, and that is not going to change. The spirit prison is a core tenant in the LDS version of the plan of salvation, and there really is no way around it. Sure it would be nice if the teachers were more sensitive to those who are not following the “ideal mormom pathway”, but I really don’t think I or you can expect them to change their beliefs and lessons just for us. Tough situation. Interesting that your daughter attacked the teacher and not her brother, who started the talk about dad going to spirit prison. She’s obviously angry and probably confused. You might try talking to both kids about the mormon idea of spirit prison, which usually doesn’t sound like too bad a place. It’s certainly not hell, and it’s a temporary place, just has a bad sounding name–prison. It’s only a temporary place before judgment and assignments to kingdoms, so if dad has to hang out there a little while, it’s probably nothing that would make him very sad. But we really can’t decide who goes there and who doesn’t because the teacher isn’t the judge and only God knows what’s best for us, even if we don’t believe in him right now. (Just giving you first idea I thought of in kid-oriented language).
And remember, you’re not alone in this as you have a husband with responsibility to help here as well. He may be able to help diffuse the tension and anxiety.
I try to be honest with my kids about my own views whenever there’s a conflict with what’s taught at church. They know I don’t agree with everything that’s said, but they also know I genuinely love the people who say the things with which I disagree. We just disagree; no big deal. I’m going to disagree with lots of things lots of people say in my life, in every organization of which I’m a part. I know it’s really hard to take the emotional reaction out of the picture, especially when it deals with a dad or mom or sibling or other loved one, but it just is a skill they are going to have to learn at some point no matter what if they are to be happy.
That’s the central message I try to convey to my kids.
Cnsl1 wrote:It’s certainly not hell….
😮 I’m surprised to hear you say this. Darkness, weeping, wailing, gnashing of teeth, separation, etc. What about it is not hell?Alma the Younger wrote:…the spirits of the wicked…shall be cast out into outer darkness; there shall be weeping, and wailing, and gnashing of teeth..until the time of their resurrection. (Alma 40:13)
Joseph Smith and Sidney Rigdon wrote:And the glory of the telestial is …they who are cast down to hell and suffer … until Christ shall have …perfected his work; (D&C 76:98-106)
Inheritors of the telestial glory suffer in hell until their resurrection to glory, say Alma, JS, and Sidney.
If your young children are listening to how wicked their parents are, alluding to “prison,” etc., then I would take my children and find a faith community which lifts mankind by focussing on the grace of Jesus Christ and his message of love. Familial love and togetherness is so much more important than organized religion. At least that is how I see it.
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