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amateurparent wrote:
I had to learn boundaries. Growing up, I was told that if someone from church asked me to do something, I had an obligation to do it. I was to treat the request as if God himself had asked.
Some requests are inspired. Many are just desperately busy people hoping to delegate something
Healthy boundaries are just that — HEALTHY.
((( hugs ))?
I also have had lots of trouble with the boundaries in the church. I was always taught you always say yes no matter what.
Over the last few years I have learned to set limits with people in my family. It has drastically changed my life for the better and improved most of my relationships.
Now I have to figure out how to do it at church. It is really hard to get over the ingrained guilt when I say no. I am hopeful that if I can be better at the boundaries at church it will make things better there too. It does seem to be taking a while, but I really don’t want to walk away from the church any more than I wanted to completely detach from my family members. Right now a little space between me and all the little petty things and people that will always have to be dealt with in the ward is a good thing. I have not become inactive, but I am not actively working either. When I get better at moving past the guilt and worry that I am doing something wrong (even though God doesn’t think so) I will try to re-engage.
Dear LDS Thomas, I’m so sorry you feel this way. I, too, remember vividly the euphoria of those early years together. You were committed and eager, though inexperienced. We did a lot of good together for a lot of people. I remember how scared you were when I first started calling you Bishop and how you grew into that role. When it was time for you to be released you were sad to have to step aside.
I was surprised to hear you ask “what have you done for me lately?” and to hear you say “you only call on me when you need something.” I’ve only ever called on you when something was needed but it has never been that I needed something. It was always to enlist you in helping your brothers and sisters, whether members or not. I don’t need a clean chapel, but your brothers and sisters appreciate Sunday all the more in a clean environment. I don’t need your home teaching but the Walkers do and Sister Perkins really does, especially this month.
“What have you done for me lately?” I had to rewrite this part a couple of times because I didn’t want it to sound condescending or accusatory. I just want to answer in simple terms and remind you of some of the things I’ve done for you. I taught you how to pray. I introduced you to your Father and to your Savior. I taught you the meaning of life and how you might live it more fully. I taught you to see your life in the context of eternity so that your actions and decisions might have greater meaning. And I reinforce those lessons for you on a daily basis so that you can experience a complete conversion and have what Jesus promises in Ezekiel 36:26. “A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh.”
I envisioned a much longer relationship for us, you and I. There is so much we could yet accomplish and I so want to do those things with you rather than without you.
Love, The Mormon Church
P.S. You probably noticed that this letter never addressed priesthood and blacks, first visions, godhood, or Katie Kelly and John Dehlin. These are certainly issues but the main issue here is our relationship, yours and mine. Once that’s ironed out the rest of these questions practically answer themselves.
Why “Katie” but not “Johnny”? “Why “Katie” but not “Johnny”?” Katie was a typo. Mea Culpa.
SGoodman wrote:P.S. You probably noticed that this letter never addressed priesthood and blacks, first visions, godhood, or Kate Kelly and John Dehlin. These are certainly issues but the main issue here is our relationship, yours and mine. Once that’s ironed out the rest of these questions practically answer themselves.
I think that I understand what you are saying here and I agree. When the church works it can work well. The church can offer support, direction, meaning, community and so many other things. But it doesn’t work equally well for everybody and for some it can be downright destructive. What is to be done when your church experience is not meeting your needs? That is what we here at StayLDS hope to figure out together.
amateurparent wrote:LDSThomas:
Thank you for putting those feelings into words. As I read, I wanted to stand up and shout, “And ME too.”
LDSThomas, you captured my thoughts so well. Thank you.
— Amateur Parent
THANKS AGAIN to EVERYONE who has read and responded. Amateur Parent, it’s especially good to hear from you!
LDSThomas
SGoodman wrote:Dear LDS Thomas,
I’m so sorry you feel this way. I, too, remember vividly the euphoria of those early years together. You were committed and eager, though inexperienced. We did a lot of good together for a lot of people. I remember how scared you were when I first started calling you Bishop and how you grew into that role. When it was time for you to be released you were sad to have to step aside.
I was surprised to hear you ask “what have you done for me lately?” and to hear you say “you only call on me when you need something.” I’ve only ever called on you when something was needed but it has never been that I needed something. It was always to enlist you in helping your brothers and sisters, whether members or not. I don’t need a clean chapel, but your brothers and sisters appreciate Sunday all the more in a clean environment. I don’t need your home teaching but the Walkers do and Sister Perkins really does, especially this month.
“What have you done for me lately?” I had to rewrite this part a couple of times because I didn’t want it to sound condescending or accusatory. I just want to answer in simple terms and remind you of some of the things I’ve done for you. I taught you how to pray. I introduced you to your Father and to your Savior. I taught you the meaning of life and how you might live it more fully. I taught you to see your life in the context of eternity so that your actions and decisions might have greater meaning. And I reinforce those lessons for you on a daily basis so that you can experience a complete conversion and have what Jesus promises in Ezekiel 36:26. “A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh.”
I envisioned a much longer relationship for us, you and I. There is so much we could yet accomplish and I so want to do those things with you rather than without you.
Love, The Mormon Church
P.S. You probably noticed that this letter never addressed priesthood and blacks, first visions, godhood, or Katie Kelly and John Dehlin. These are certainly issues but the main issue here is our relationship, yours and mine. Once that’s ironed out the rest of these questions practically answer themselves.
SGoodman:
Thanks for the care and concern that went into your response. Some of the things you mentioned in the 3rd paragraph are EXACTLY the reasons I stay — because I DO remember the “happier times” and the way my life has been blessed as a result of my membership in the church.
This week is a difficult week for a church member like me. Your email on behalf of my potentially estranged love is welcome and helpful.
Thanks,
LDSThomas
Imagine how difficult it must be for Kate Kelly, Her husband and parents, and her Bishop and Stake President. My heart goes out to them and they figure prominently in my prayers. SGoodman wrote:Imagine how difficult it must be for Kate Kelly, Her husband and parents, and her Bishop and Stake President. My heart goes out to them and they figure prominently in my prayers.
SGoodman:
It is a difficult week for me BECAUSE it is a difficult week for all those you mentioned — as well as for me personally for my own reasons sort-of stated in the original post.
I believe that each of those you mentioned are in nearly impossible situations this week — I feel deeply for each of them. And for me. And for my church. And for my 4 amazing daughters, who will inherit whatever this week bestows on those who come after it.
LDSThomas
This felt very sincere and captured my attention, thank you! Even if it’s not my experience exactly I can use this as a frame work for my own imaginary back and forth letter to/ from my organizational church “love”, that is at times strained (both ways).. but is always worth an honest internal dialouge such as this. Shades of Grey wrote:This felt very sincere and captured my attention, thank you! Even if it’s not my experience exactly I can use this as a frame work for my own imaginary back and forth letter to/ from my organizational church “love”, that is at times strained (both ways).. but is always worth an honest internal dialouge such as this.
Shades of Grey:
Glad you found this helpful. I have been encouraged by the responses I’ve received here and elsewhere online — and the feedback I’ve gotten has helped me to put some things into perspective a bit better. If I truly love the church I will/must/want to find a way to forgive her (and her people) for her “mistakes” (real or perceived) and focus on the mutually beneficial time we’ve had together — and the good times we’ll have in the future.
The truth is, I do love many things about the church and the gospel message — and I think (and hope) that this is just a short-term lover’s quarrel, rather than a journey that will lead to divorce court.
LDSThomas
Good answer LDSThomas. Thank you. I connected strongly to the feelings you expressed in your letter.
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