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On the way home today, my daughter came out with a few judgmental statements about some people in our Ward. Naturally, my radar went up, and my wife actually supported me — taking the torch and explaining my daughter’s behavior and thoughts a judgmental.
Later, she came into my office and asked if a few things she has been thinking (other things) are judgmental.
This left me wondering, “what is judgmentalism as defined in a religious context like the LDS church”? We all make judgements — first impressions, opinions, etecetera — what distinguishes judgmentalism in religion from healthy opinion-forming when it comes to the behavior of others?
I think this is the greatest area of weakness for the church. We have SO many outward markers that “define” wether a person is righteous or not, “good mormon or bad mormon”.We are conditioned from primary to simply look at a person and based on their cultural conformity judge their soul. Examples, attire,modesty, white shirts, beards, earrings,tattoos, flip flops, high heels, missions,temple marriage,tithing the whole temple recomend, wow, R rated movies, sleep overs, gender roles. We set markers and check points and then based on compliance we judge accordingly. We teach our kids about forever licked cup cakes and chewed gum with little emphasis on the atonement and its power in our lives. I’ll never forget the time I made a rude comment about a fellow YW in my ward in front of my dad. I pretty much called her a slut for how she dressed. He asked why I thought I had a right to think let alone say that. I rattled off about the YW standards and the prophet etc.. He just listened quietly and shook his head. Then he said softly that “he was sad that my heart was so empty of Christs love”. Talk about opening my judgmental, self righteous mormon teen self! It was the beginning of me trying to look at people the way Christ did by looking at their hearts and actions toward others rather then a thousand outward rules. I don’t always succeed but at least Im trying. Good luck with your daughter, it is very ingrained to judge others in the church I think in large part based out of fear.
Dax wrote:I think this is the greatest area of weakness for the church. We have SO many outward markers that “define” wether a person is righteous or not, “good mormon or bad mormon”.We are conditioned from primary to simply look at a person and based on their cultural conformity judge their soul. Examples, attire,modesty, white shirts, beards, earrings,tattoos, flip flops, high heels, missions,temple marriage,tithing the whole temple recomend, wow, R rated movies, sleep overs, gender roles. We set markers and check points and then based on compliance we judge accordingly. We teach our kids about forever licked cup cakes and chewed gum with little emphasis on the atonement and its power in our lives.
Sometimes as a YM, I would say jugemental things that didn’t 100% line up with my personal beliefs because I felt that saying those things was also a cultural marker and would help gain me acceptance in the group. As if to say, “See! I can say hurtful stuff about oudsiders, that must mean that I am an insider!”
Dax wrote:I’ll never forget the time I made a rude comment about a fellow YW in my ward in front of my dad. I pretty much called her a slut for how she dressed. He asked why I thought I had a right to think let alone say that. I rattled off about the YW standards and the prophet etc.. He just listened quietly and shook his head. Then he said softly that “he was sad that my heart was so empty of Christs love”.
Every once in a while I would say something to someone that didn’t share the borrowed judgmental view and I would be embarrassed.
Thanks — this captures some of the behavior — but what is it? Verbalizing condemning thoughts of others rooted in religious shoulds and shouldn’ts? I’m looking for a succinct definition so I can answer my daughter’s question. Please be patient with me, I’m an academic… :think: SilentDawning wrote:Thanks — this captures some of the behavior — but what is it? Verbalizing condemning thoughts of others rooted in religious shoulds and shouldn’ts? I’m looking for a succinct definition so I can answer my daughter’s question. Please be patient with me, I’m an academic…
:think: I think the judgments that are prohibbited are the value judgements of people. We can make judgements of actions. We can decide that we feel comfortable around certain types of people. We can take steps to protect ourselves from people that seem to be harmful to us. But making a judgement of a whole complete person based upon our limited perceptions is not fair, accurate, or helpful.
It involves rejecting the person as a whole — you say? And that is evidenced by ostracization, treating them like an outsider, or some form of social shunning. I also think that it includes outright statements of disapproval for certain kinds of behavior doesn’t it?
I agree that we make judgements in every moment of our lives–it’s unavoidable. We’re human, after all. I do draw the line for myself–and in the conversations held in my home–when it comes to voicing criticism of another person by name for their looks, mannerisms, etc. or otherwise making fun of them behind their backs…don’t know if the judgmental issue was along those lines. Maybe that was the issue you/or your wife had with your daughter’s comments?
I try to emphasize that people are different….and we may just not understand them. When we start making comments to others about them in a negative way, it turns to gossip, builds resentment, and so forth. I try to not let myself do this–even though I want to a lot, lol!
I remind my kids, wife, and myself that either it’s something we don’t understand and should not dwell on it….or if there’s an issue with another person, we should tell them–not other people.
Still, it could be that your daughter is using someone else’s behavior or characteristic as an example to understand a question she has. It’s a good thing she feels comfortable addressing it with her parents. (See, another example of how I’m conflicted over so many things!)
For me, people who are judgmental criticize others and fail to accept them. Its about acceptance really. For example, I saw a couple walking out of the church yesterday. They were tattoo-laden, wearing tank tops, and as soon as they got on the parking lot, they pulled out cigarettes. They looked really rough. My first impression was one of judgmentalism — you are smoking on church property??? You dressed that way at church??? Tattoos all over you? What does that say about your position in society??? Your judgment in coming here?? So, I thought I would walk by them….
And then I caught myself and walked up to them, said Hi! and smiled. They were probably talented in ways I am not. For all I know, they may have gifts I’m not aware of…
Anyway, this is what I told me daughter.
1. Reserve making judgments about people…you never know the story behind their behavior, and it may be completely rational after you know the facts. Accept people in spite of behavior that may not line up with current cultural norms, even when they appear to be sinning.
2. We all make judgments about people inside in terms of their personality, suitability for certain kinds of tasks, etcetera — but make these evaluations slowly, and avoid hasty judgments. “Always give people a second chance to make a first impression” I told her.
3. This doesn’t mean we don’t eventually arrive at opinions about people’s character, but we keep them to ourselves, and move forward with a healthy skepticism about whether we are right.
SilentDawning wrote:I also think that it includes outright statements of disapproval for certain kinds of behavior doesn’t it?
I think that one can say that theft is bad. I might know a young man that takes things that don’t belong to him. I might protect myself by not inviting him over to my house. What I don’t do is see this young man as a bad person or treat him differently in other ways (unrelated to taking simple protective precautions).
I believe strongly that everyone deserves respect. I’m sure that my resolve could be tested but for now I will give respect to all.
There are times when it’s right to speak out against public behavior of others, but I personally think it should be on large issues like breaking the law, hurting someone, or helping the person avoid embarassment. The word’s connotation is completely negative (never used in a positive way), so I think judgmentalism is making judgments without understanding all the factors that contribute to what is being judged and, thus, judging incorrectly to one degree or another. It’s one of the single biggest “natural” instincts we have.
So, it’s quite appropriate to make judgments. But they need to be based on the facts — which we often do not have. So, the non-judgmental person will often reserve judgment, checking initial judgments. I also believe, however, the non-judgmental person does not reject the person because of the judgments they (the judger) make. Provided the person subject to judgment does not pose a physical or emotional risk I can’t handle, or need to protect myself from, the Christlike person still provides inclusion, kindness, and charity toward the person.
Exactly. I think judgmentalism is a pretty good way to phrase the opposite of charity, although most people don’t compare them directly.
Quote:Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)
SilentDawning wrote:So, it’s quite appropriate to make judgments. But they need to be based on the facts — which we often do not have. So, the non-judgmental person will often reserve judgment, checking initial judgments.
Yes, I think it is unrealistic to think we won’t make judgments as humans. It is just depends how we express judgments and how we internalize them or give heed to them or not.It is good practice to base them on facts, to help us avoid making wrong judgments. But we don’t wait for all facts before making decisions, we just don’t have time or capacity for it. So when a dog bites us, the next time we see a dog, we are cautious. Some of it is instinctual to protect ourselves.
But growth comes from challenging our past experiences, having charity and hope to check our feelings with new facts, and avoid making the wrong choices or judgments, since we can’t see into people’s hearts or minds.
There is so much in the scriptures about how God will judge us all, that judgment is taught a lot. We just have faith the ultimate Judge will know all the facts. We don’t have that capacity, so we should be careful…but it is not realistic to say, “never judge others”.
Heber13 wrote:But growth comes from challenging our past experiences…
Wow — that is an insightful comment. Wouldn’t surprise me if a General Authority picks up on that one and uses it in a talk
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