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Fwiw, “lukewarm” isn’t a description of someone who is trying their hardest to live according to the dictates of their own conscience. If you were being lukewarm, you’d be vegging and not caring at all about any of this. The fact that you’re trying to endure to the end but endure well is testimony that you aren’t lukewarm. Those who are lukewarm aren’t “fighting the good fight” and continuing amid struggle. delete please I agree this site is better for it than others I’ve been too. Traditional believing sites I find are intolerant of any divergent thinking, even from people who are largely friendly to the Church, and you have to be VERY careful what you say. Some of the others out there are far too negative. This one strikes a better balance. delete please BLC: I have hope that God will look upon us feeling-beings and recognize the depth of the pain that happens when leaders and members fail miserably in living the ideals of the gospel, and inadvertently (I hope) hurt us in the gospel. And I have hope He will show mercy for the time it takes for people like you and myself to get past it. It DOES take time and for me, it does create lingering effects that I find sap the joy and happiness I could be experiencing.
By the way, one thing that’s really helping me right now is some attitude conditioners I’ve written based on a PM someone here sent me and my own reflections. You might consider writing your own set of attitude conditioners if you think it might help. I think people who struggle with hurt that influences their behavior over long periods of time may have trouble with thought-control. I know I do. I think the hurt tends to deepen the neural pathways along which the hurtful thoughts travel and make them powerful and stronger over time. To counteract these thoughts, you write out a list of attitudes you would LIKE to believe about the situation that caused the hurt.
You can get the attitudes you would like to believe from people on this forum, the scriptures, conference talks or anything that really inspires you. Then, when you start thinking too deeply about the hurtful situation, pull out the attitude conditioners and read them over and over again until the hurt disspates. For me, it’s a form of forced cognitive therapy that does change my mood.
I put them on my eBook reader and when I have a spare moment, I read them over. It helps make me feel at peace, and at times, when my mind starts reverting to the negative/hurtful thinking, sometimes, the positive attitude conditioners spontaneously take the place of the earlier thoughts. I have been successful in dismissing certain hurtful thoughts using this method, although the really deep ones seem to take a combination of attitude conditioning and definitely time, to get over them completely.
Here are parts of the attitude conditioner I have been using regarding the hurt and disillusionment I felt toward the Church when a Stake President was harsh with me. As a new convert, I asked him to serve a mission and all he seemed to care about was the money. And when I found a different Ward in a different stake to support me, he got really angry with me.
I write it as if I have already overcome the problem as an exercise in faith.
Quote:I have moved past the experience with President XXXXX for the following reasons:
1. I focus on the Christlike actions of the members who took me into their home and helped me save for a mission. THEY behaved as God would have. They believed in miracles– they lived up to the ideals the Church espouses. THEY took the prophet’s admonition that every worthy young man should serve a mission, seriously. They believed wholeheartedly in the principle of miracles for righteous goals and living. The Church is a lumpy, brown vessel within which the true waters of spirituality dwell. And the people who took me in and helped me save were the living waters.
3. It wouldn’t surprise me if the Lord placed these members near me to compensate for the situation my Stake President had created. God does work through other people; perhaps this was His hand.
4. The previous points show that faith in miracles, and a belief in God to help people achieve righteous goals was all around me back in those days; that is the memory that should live on; The stake president was merely the exception.
5. I learned about the deliverance that can come from faith and patience in Mosiah 24. It was a direct result of the suffering I felt as I tried to earn the money to get on a mission that first year when I spun my wheels, trying, but never getting there. That suffering, while difficult, led to enlightenment. I have since taught it to my daughter and now SHE has a testimony of it.
6. The Lord shines his light on the leaders of the Church, and only a certain percent gets through to them. That SP’s behavior is not the Church. It is the behavior of the SP, through whom faith and divine knowledge was unable to permeate that caused his harmful behavior — but that light shone through the spirits of the others who helped me.
7. There is nothing to be gained by dwelling on the SP. Remember the feelings of unhappiness and anger that you felt when you started writing him a closure letter that you never sent. Contrast that with the peace, hope, and even friendly feelings toward the Church you feel when you read these attitude conditioners. Starve tendencies to dwell on the negative and focus on the widespread good that arose from that situation. You’ll feel better and ultimately, that’s what you want — to feel better.
8. The SP probably NEVER thinks about what he did to me back then. He probably feels no remorse, and no desire to even reflect on it. So, I don’t let it bother me and destroy my peace. I”m happy in spite of it, and its liberating….
Now, number 8 isn’t exactly true — I’m
in the processof being happy in spite of it. I haven’t yet achieved full happiness. Yet, wording it as happiness that HAS ALREADY OCCURRED and the whole challenge as alrady overcome ends the reading session on a really positive now…. There are times when I finish reading these points and feel liberated. And by the way, I read it over and over again in one sitting, the same way I tend to think about the negative situations over and over again…so, it’s like a neutralizer for my unhappy thinking.
So, this is something like that might help with your situation if think it’s worth experimenting with. My wife thinks I’m crazy that I have to put so much effort into forgetting/dealing with something that happened so many years ago, but I don’t care.
I think another liberating thought is accepting and embracing what you are, what your tendencies are, and what you need to do to be happy — and not loathing onself over it either. This is a recent insight for me, and it cuts out part of the unhappiness and self-loathing that comes from realizing I tend to react to things differently than most of the world at large. I am who I am and I must do what I must do to to be happy. The rest of the world can think what they like; I am who I am.
delete please delete please BeLikeChrist wrote:When I do reactivate (not sure exactly when that will be) I’m sure I will take baby steps until I feel I can trust the people around me I attend church with.
I think this is a healthy approach. Set boundaries, take it at your own speed, and re-engage when you are ready to do so. That’s a good example, BLC. thanks. Let us know when you decide to do that and how it goes! I’m enjoying the learning I get from your story.
:thumbup: delete please delete please Quote:a means of trying to understand the past
That can be so hard sometimes.
Fwiw, my wife naturally tries to plan everything – and she talks a lot about “figuring out how to do __________” (where _____________ is something she’s been struggling to find a way to do). Obviously, that’s a good tendency, but it can get in the way often of just accepting that some things are simply what they are – that there’s no way to plan for some things or figure out how to do some things. Some things need persistent thought and effort; some things need to be let go. It’s an incredibly fine line to walk, but I hope you can find a peaceful resolution to this situation – no matter what that resolution is.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
delete please If old age doesn’t bring wisdom, it just brings old age. :think: I prefer wisdom.
:geek: BLC, interesting point. What have you found that makes church a good place to meet and date women? Just curious on what your experience has been compared to non church places.
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