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Wow. Your inlaws are nutballs. Ann:
Quote:Sometimes I can’t wear them; sometimes I can’t not wear them.
I love how you put this, and I fully agree. I also love your advice to engage the grandparents in sharing their own stories vs. trying to dictate others’ lives. It’s a better way to engage them, IMO.
I have ZERO tolerance for anyone who has not served a mission telling someone else that they have to serve one. That’s all I’m going to say about that one. I think you can explain to MIL that you appreciate their generosity in setting aside money for a mission, but you find with your kids that using guilt or pressure to get them to do what you want usually backfires, and you’d rather let them make their own minds up through the great examples they see. That seems like a reasonable request. You’re the parent.
I agree about the GROUP ALL BODY SHUDDER! HOLY COW! MayB,
The thing I find THE MOST ASTONISHING about all of this is that they are totally missing the ENTIRE point of what the “GOSPEL” is trying to teach… by a LANDSLIDE. How is living the church in the way they are living it really helping to have an eternal family if 2 of their children wont even have anything to do with them? Sometimes the “logic” in this church makes me want to run away screaming!!
I can only see this because I am pretty sure at one point I was heading down that path that I could have no empathy for people who didn’t live and see the church as I did. I am SO grateful that I am having this faith transition.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE your communication with your husband and children! Thank you for your amazing example of balance and open communication. You must have some serious thick skin to still have any relationship with your In-laws and serious self awareness to to who you really are! I admire it so much. Keep up the great work.
:clap: hawkgrrrl wrote:I think you can explain to MIL that you appreciate their generosity in setting aside money for a mission, but you find with your kids that using guilt or pressure to get them to do what you want usually backfires, and you’d rather let them make their own minds up through the great examples they see. That seems like a reasonable request. You’re the parent.
This is a great way to put it hawkgrrrl. Thank you. I think I’ll use it and see if it helps. Even though DH and I are the parents, they usually seem to think they know best because they are DH’s parents and have “successfully” raised 5 kids.
opentofreedom wrote:The thing I find THE MOST ASTONISHING about all of this is that they are totally missing the ENTIRE point of what the “GOSPEL” is trying to teach… by a LANDSLIDE. How is living the church in the way they are living it really helping to have an eternal family if 2 of their children wont even have anything to do with them? Sometimes the “logic” in this church makes me want to run away screaming!!
I can only see this because I am pretty sure at one point I was heading down that path that I could have no empathy for people who didn’t live and see the church as I did. I am SO grateful that I am having this faith transition.
Yes, they are missing the whole point and what really bothers me is that they don’t see how it has been their actions/words that have alienated their 2 kids from them and they don’t see what they are missing out on.
Old-Timer wrote:Quote:The first time I met her, she went on and on about how lucky I was to be marrying into their righteous family and how it was so sad that my parents had divorced because I must have never been able to experience a family that reads scriptures every day, prays together, goes to the temple, and how my family won’t be an eternal family.
/FULL BODY SHUDDER
+1
May, the fact you maintain any relationship at all with these people is impressive. I salute you!
MayB you could be married to one of my brothers. Your situation is also my reality with uber-TBM parents. My mother loves me, but is still disappointed after 2 decades that I chose not to serve a mission (at the time she would have rather I died than not serve, she thought/thinks she failed with me) My kids each get personal subscriptions to the Friend or New Era from them as gifts for Christmas. The family gets General Conference DVDs. We throw them away. Every family function turns into a church guilt trip (Mom’s speciality and Dad humors her). I have had years to develop an immunity to it, but my kids haven’t. My wife and I try hard to never do that to our kids and to debrief or redirect them when it happens.
Needless to say, we don’t have a great relationship, it is superficial and forced at best. My wife and I are baffled by and tired of it. Really not my idea of an eternal family relationship, it is pathetic and sad and one we are trying hard to avoid in our own family.
My parents are good people in many ways, but so bigoted and judgmental in others. It will likely kill my mother when she finally knows about the level of my disaffection from the church.
Strange that total devotion to the church can produce such extremes of good and bad behaviors at the same time in people. Seems wrong, doesn’t it?
Origami wrote:Needless to say, we don’t have a great relationship, it is superficial and forced at best. My wife and I are baffled by and tired of it. Really not my idea of an eternal family relationship, it is pathetic and sad and one we are trying hard to avoid in our own family.
Pathetic and sad, I agree. Years ago when my brother’s activity in the church trailed off and then ceased, my dad’s angry reaction was that my brother had just thrown away the only good thing he ever gave him. He wasn’t one to say he loved us or express confidence in us. I think he wanted and meant us to see his embrace of the church as proof of love. I think he had high hopes, especially early after his baptism in his mid-twenties, that the church would “fix” him, but he still had a lot of baggage from life with an alcoholic father. So, lots of dysfunction in my family, but I understand that he really probably did the best he could. And I wouldn’t be in any kind of position to do better with my own kids if he hadn’t broken the cycle of alcoholism and neglect.
MayB wrote:…Like many women, I’ve always had issues with garments, but I had never realized the effect they were having on my self-image and my state of mind… I also had quite the anxiety attack during F&T meeting when I
had the sudden realization that every single big decision I’ve made in my life was done because the church was telling me that was the right thing to do.I got married too young and too quickly for all the wrong reasons (which actually worked out really well after a rough 5 years). I became a mother at age 21 and proceeded to have 4 children. I love my children dearly, but it breaks my heart a little that not once did I decide to have a child because of a deep desire to be a mother or because I wanted a large family or because of a desire to nurture and love someone. Every single time it was because of pressure from church teachings and culture and people working inside those frameworks. I quit school and music because they were too time consuming and I was being told that I should be home with my children instead of spending time on these “selfish pursuits”…we had a great conversation about finding a way to be “in the church, but not of the church”… We talked about doing church on our own terms, which is probably easier said than done…I don’t know how well this will work in the long run, but I want to try it…The level of control the Church typically has over active members’ everyday lives actually bothers me much more than any false doctrines presented as the truth. For me simply recognizing that the Church can easily be wrong and often asks members to believe and do things that aren’t necessarily in their own best interest was half the battle in counteracting this influence. The other half is mostly dealing with other Church members that still don’t understand this fact very well and knowing when to say no to what they ask for and expect out of you.
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