Divorce: These things shall be for thy good

[Anonymous]

This past year has been a challenging year for me. I was served divorce papers Nov 19, 2012. It looks as if 12 months later, our divorce decree will be signed by the courts and made official, ending a 23 year old temple marriage with 4 children that are adjusting to the new family make-up.

There are not specific things on this website that help me and my situation. But things I have studied and tried to learn about my faith definitely have prepared me for getting through this past year and still finding some peace in life.

Ray originated a thread years ago on My marriage as a metaphor for my church (here).

The same could be done for my divorce. There are many things that apply both to how I view my divorce and my church relationship.

Here are things I’ve learned.

– Common stages of grief: Shock, denial, anger, apathy, acceptance. It is OK to allow oneself to go through stages, but should be cautioned from getting stuck in negative places like depression or anger.

– others have their agency, I cannot resolve all disagreements, sometimes, no matter how hard I try, sometimes I simply come to a position of agreeing to disagree, and there is no further resolution.

– I am responsible for my actions, regardless. I must control how much I say and how I say it, with tact, dose, and timing.

– others will not always approve or understand me. At some point, seeking validation for choices only takes you so far, and at some point I must journey alone. Because it is my journey.

– it will be ok. The future may be unknown, but it can be survived.

– there is no doubt that these experiences have helped me be more compassionate and more loving towards others. Because not all things we go through are of our own making.

– change does not require amputation. I still deal with me ex-wife in child issues, I still deal with church, I don’t really completely divorce from having to deal with it. I just change the relationship and setup boundaries to protect me. To do this, I simply have to let some things go and find what works for me.

– I choose to see good and stay balanced. I speak to my kids about the positive things about their mother, I have some forums for venting, but not to everyone nor all the time. I can accept imperfection and celebrate the good while not ignoring or rationalizing the bad. I try to focus on the good as much a possible.

I have learned a lot about myself through studying my faith and my relationship with the church and how I wrote my story based on who I am, and my real experiences I go through in life.

Is divorce a good thing? I don’t recommend it to everyone. But those of us who are faced with it, I say, it can be a good thing and can be survived.

Does God create this to happen so I can learn? No, I reject this, although it has been told to me by many people. No the pain to the kids and how it goes against church teachings of eternal families makes it impossible for me to see God creates this in my life. Can I learn…yes…but I wish it could have been some other way.

Did this happen because of Sin? No…I do not blame my ex-wife, and I do not take on the burden of guilt for being at fault for this. Circumstances are what they are, we struggled to make it work for most of our lives…and the fault lies in life being an imperfect playground. I no longer want to remain in a place I try to assign blame or cause…it is done, choices were made, and it is time to move forward, and time to let go of “why this is happening to me?”.

Church guidance and teachings have been helpful at times for me, and very very hurtful at times. But there also came a point where my situation doesn’t really fit into things cleanly. And so, I accept I am where I am, and focus on the future by making today a good day. One step at a time. And I am finding it gets easier as I move.

Has anyone else gone through this? Had any different perspectives by going through it?

Have others who haven’t gone through it feel similarities with their faith or church relationships that also apply?

Please, let’s discuss and support each other.

[Anonymous]

Although our marriage has had some rough times due at least in part to my relationship with the church, we have stayed together. My family is no stranger to divorce, though, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Your specific points about God not creating the divorce and it not being because of sin, etc., are spot on. “It’s not that simple.”

I can relate with the church and marriage/divorce, however. When my crisis of faith began it was so closely intertwined with my relationship with the church because at the time I didn’t know the difference in between the two (faith and church). From a marriage point of view, the church and I have been “separated” for a number of years and during that time I have learned some about myself and some about faith. Over that time I think the church has changed a bit, too, not in doctrine and maybe not in policy but definitely in attitude. I see now that we can reconcile our differences but it will require each of us to be a little more tolerant of the other (or at least the people involved). While I did consider divorce from the church, I now see things differently and look forward to reconciling.

[Anonymous]

This was beautiful, my friend – and incredibly profound. It ought to be read and understood by all members of the Church. Thank you.

I have a brother who tried to save a doomed marriage for a long time. He recently remarried and told me, “Until now, I hadn’t realized what it feels like to be happily married – or to be happy in marriage.” Sometimes, things can be resolved properly without any separation; sometimes, separation without divorce is necessary – once or (in some way) on a regular basis; sometimes, divorce is the only option for any real and lasting happiness.

God bless you on your personal journey. “May there be a road.”

[Anonymous]

Good OP.

Thanks.

And the best of luck to you in this journey.

Sent from my SCH-I535 using Tapatalk 2

[Anonymous]

That’s too bad. At least you seem to be dealing with it about as well as anyone could possibly expect. For some reason this reminded me of an experience on my mission; when we would visit members we would typically share a scripture message and for some reason I chose the following scripture.

D&C 82:10 wrote:

I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise.

Well it turned out that this recent convert’s wife had just left him for another man. So I felt really bad and not very inspired when he told me that because it seemed like one of the worst possible ideas to bring up that I could have thought of at the time. As far as I could tell he was already doing what the Church expected and it was mostly his wife that went off the deep end. Of course when everything is going fairly smoothly it’s easy to think that you deserve everything you have and that if you do everything right then things will only get better. But everyone makes mistakes and when something bad happens it’s easy to dwell on what you could have possibly done differently and blame yourself. Now I think there are no guarantees in life and it’s unrealistic to expect every marriage to last forever even if both partners don’t ever do anything terribly wrong. Sometimes couples just weren’t a very good match to begin with and even if they were things can still change significantly over time so in many cases it’s just not going to work out very well but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s anyone’s fault or the worst thing that could happen.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the supportive comments.

DarkJedi wrote:

“It’s not that simple.”

That’s right, DarkJedi. It just isn’t. I used to think it was just a choice, just stay married. Just love the other person until it works. But it is not that simple. And as I get older, I realize that, and realize there are other options, other paths, that are possible. It is why I think a person can consider leaving the church, because that is a possible path for some who have serious struggles. For some, it is healthier. But…like you have done to separate for a while, and then try to return to reconcile…there is wisdom in that instead of quick decisions where you leave behind more than you wanted to. Thanks for your comments.

Old-Timer wrote:

divorce is the only option for any real and lasting happiness.

Interestingly, Ray…a member of the Stake Presidency I was just talking to privately told me the same thing. He said publicly, he would preach that everyone should avoid divorce at all costs. But privately, he says he knows of many couples that are just better off and happier now they they are apart, and many have remarried to start up a new life with greater peace. That was interesting to me. That privately, leaders back off of the hard stance they often take publicly. Because in some situations, the fact is, it can be a valid choice. Thanks.

DevilsAdvocate wrote:

Now I think there are no guarantees in life and it’s unrealistic to expect every marriage to last forever even if both partners don’t ever do anything terribly wrong. … that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s anyone’s fault or the worst thing that could happen.

Thanks DA. I agree with you. Again, I don’t recommend it, but there is a point where you choose between the lesser of two sucky situations…and it becomes clear it isn’t the worst option.

There is also a lesson about how things are not final. We are in the middle, as Uchtdorf taught us. So while it is the end of this marriage, I’m still in the middle of things and still have more life ahead to forge new foundations in life.

Same could be said of anyone going through a faith crisis. Leaving or taking a break from church does not mean anything is final, there is time while in the middle to seek other positive things in life and even return to the church when ready. Nothing is final.

[Anonymous]

I have been thinking about your post for the last few days and I really like what you said. I have been through a divorce and there are no winners. The spouses lose, the kids lose, but it can be a means to something better. I am a better person because of it, at least to me. I learned more about myself and others and I have a lot more empathy for others because of the experience. It is not what I would have wished for but in the long run I think it will be ok. My thoughts are with you.

[Anonymous]

Heber, that was very moving. The most personal, intimate thing I’ve read in the Boggernacle in a long time. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Thanks again for the kind words. There are some good people on this board. Thanks for the support.

This thread doesn’t have to be about me, or only about divorce.

Those who see similarities with their relationship with church, feel free to share the feelings you have that are similar with your faith, even if you are happily married to a spouse.

[Anonymous]

Heber13 wrote:

Old-Timer wrote:

divorce is the only option for any real and lasting happiness.

Interestingly, Ray…a member of the Stake Presidency I was just talking to privately told me the same thing. He said publicly, he would preach that everyone should avoid divorce at all costs. But privately, he says he knows of many couples that are just better off and happier now they they are apart, and many have remarried to start up a new life with greater peace. That was interesting to me. That privately, leaders back off of the hard stance they often take publicly. Because in some situations, the fact is, it can be a valid choice.

I’m sorry for the pain and upheaval in your life right now. I wish there was a better way to talk about divorce without looking like we’re devaluing marriage. Maybe it’s impossible, but I just had a occasion to be “real” with my daughter. She was stunned by the divorce of a young friend of our family. They were married less than two years ago in the temple. She keeps asking, “What happened?” (I don’t know.) She wants to know who’s to blame and reassure herself that she can single-handedly remove that threat from her life. She said, “I’m so scared that will happen to me.” Before, I would have said that it won’t happen, that if she does this and that her marriage will last forever, that as long as you both keep the commandments, etc. But now, I said that if despite her best efforts her marriage broke down, she could get divorced and life would go on – a good life.

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