Do I need the church or can I do it Individually?

[Anonymous]

There are no yes or no answers for everything and everyone, only choices with consequences.

I used to think you must go to church, we all need church. While social reasons are nice, they are not the need. The need is to receive ordinances that can only be found in the church. If one stops attending church (goes inactive), then that person is slipping away from righteousness and will be dragged down to hell by the evil one. For some in Fowler’s stage 3, I think this is how it looks. Be safe, stay in church, and you will be blessed in this life or the next life. Many find that true for them, and it has worked for generations.

That worked for me for most of my life. So I will not say that the church is untrue. All I can say is that it currently does not sustain me in my life right now. So, one choice for me is to remain going to church, expecting different results, and hope things will change for me some day if I persevere with patience and faith. Perhaps that is a viable option.

The other option is to accept my current place in life, and perhaps see that there are other paths, some paths that are less traveled, that I seem to feel drawn towards, perhaps even prepared for. This new path is not to endure in suffering, but to endure in faith by opening my eyes to new solutions. One solution is to test my need for church, or if perhaps, I can accept that spirituality is my end goal, and that can be found in or out of the church. The choice is mine, with consequences.

I have decided to not attend church. I have decided to up my efforts on spirituality. In a scientific way, I will let the results show and then decide if I go back to church, or find I no longer need it.

1) So far, I have found it more difficult to develop spiritual practices individually. Read, pray, etc… I know I CAN do it. But like my physical exercise and diet program, the question is: Do I make myself do it?

I would compare this to my house. I could go build my house myself, and find it rewarding and learn a lot by building it from the ground up. And take pride in making it exactly what I want…my house. However, to rely on skilled professionals to build it for me, and I just want the finished product and spend my time doing other things is a pretty rational choice. For my lifestyle, in many ways, buying a house is more practical. This can be like the church. The program is already there, and I can just follow it and it can work. Just depends on what I want out of it.

2) I find it easier to focus on spirituality without distractions of church rules and things required of me that I do not feel I benefit from or that I disagree with.

I would compare this to driving my car safely. It would be faster, and I’d enjoy it more if I could just drive where I want, when I want. However, to function as a society, the rules help keep order and promote safety. I don’t know how society could function without that order. I drive on the right side of the road, and I stop and wait when the light is red. These rules place additional burden on me, but I am willing to accept them because I want to be a part of the community. I still get to where I’m going either way, one is just more safe and practical for my lifestyle.

3) These also apply to my kids, and how I teach them to grow up and be happy.

I could compare that to having them get an education. I could probably give them a good education with home schooling, but I find it easier to send them to school and me work my job to make money and let them get education in the imperfect system already created by society. This makes it more difficult to explain to them sex education or all the curse words they pick up from others, and the books and activities I have to participate in, but I choose that because I find it works good enough for us. Then I just have to deal with consequences and react to that.

Right now, I have decided to focus more at home and individual spirituality, and less from the church organization that is there and available to me. I will continue to evaluate if there becomes a point I need more things from the church I cannot find on my own, and at that point, I will re-engage at church. It will still be there. I know there may be consequences of losing relationships with others at church, losing respect by people who see I don’t go, and risks that my kids aren’t taught traditional mormon culture that may strengthen them individually.

With this approach, I am not declaring the church false, or bitterly attacking those who go. Simply for me and where I’m at right now, I need the break from church to figure some things out. Tomorrow will come and I’ll decide then what I want to about church or not church.

Church is as true as a ham sandwich. I am just choosing if I want ham, or I want other sustenance.

[Anonymous]

I think you are taking the path of the Master. I think that the Master is always a great scientist.

Many believing Latter-day Saints have periods of lesser activity or of complete inactivity. Surely your intentional wandering is no less honorable than that.

Maybe your spiritual needs at this time are different than the sort of reading and praying you have in mind. Maybe you are due for a bit of spiritual musical chairs. Maybe spiritual scrambled eggs. I think it’s safe with spirituality to say you have no idea what tomorrow looks like. If you knew, you would be living that way today.

I’m not sure you are asking for ideas, but in case you are, here are some. Do any of these appeal to you as possible spiritual leads?

[Anonymous]

To the first question of your title, I would answer, “Maybe not. I don’t know, but . . .”

To the second question of your title, I would answer, “Absolutely not.”

Maybe the second reaction is from my parser orientation, but I really believe strongly that there is a power and purpose to communal worship that just can’t be gained individually.

I have no problem with temporary or periodic breaks from attendance in order to do some things that aren’t possible with constant, weekly attendance – but I personally don’t like extended “personal” activities that replace communal worship as the primary activity. As always, that’s my own orientation – and I can’t say what’s right for you. However, I can offer a word of caution based on decades of observation:

Planned exceptions, even fairly regular ones, are one thing; substitution, with church attendance as the exception, is quite another thing altogether. The latter might be best for some people initially (in fact, I’m sure it is for some), but it can be just as hard to shift gears and find a good balance as it can be to stop attending in the first place.

If you’re going from never missing to never attending, you’re just changing one Stage 3 focus to the opposite Stage 3 focus, so . . . as with everything else, go slowly and start by planning exceptions (maybe once or twice a month at first). At least, that’s my advice.

[Anonymous]

PiperAlpha wrote:

1) So far, I have found it more difficult to develop spiritual practices individually. Read, pray, etc… I know I CAN do it. But like my physical exercise and diet program, the question is: Do I make myself do it?

If you think it’s important, I say force yourself until the benefits become self-reinforcing — like exercise and dieting. However, judge what boosts your spirituality the most. It may not be LDS Scriptures only. I read a book called To Grow In Spirit years ago, and I found THAT did more for my spirituality than reading the scriptures for a while.

I’m reading another one on positivity right now (How Full is Your Bucket) and it’s making my interactions with people far more spiritual and charitable than the scriptures have in years.

Quote:

I would compare this to my house. I could go build my house myself, and find it rewarding and learn a lot by building it from the ground up. And take pride in making it exactly what I want…my house. However, to rely on skilled professionals to build it for me, and I just want the finished product and spend my time doing other things is a pretty rational choice. For my lifestyle, in many ways, buying a house is more practical. This can be like the church. The program is already there, and I can just follow it and it can work. Just depends on what I want out of it.

Choose those aspects of our worship that are fulfilling for you, and keep them. Discard those things that no longer feed your spirit. For me, I attend priesthood but not the opening exercises. I take the sacrament but tune out of many of the talks. I read from sources other than LDS sources.

Quote:

2) I find it easier to focus on spirituality without distractions of church rules and things required of me that I do not feel I benefit from or that I disagree with.

I would compare this to driving my car safely. It would be faster, and I’d enjoy it more if I could just drive where I want, when I want. However, to function as a society, the rules help keep order and promote safety. I don’t know how society could function without that order. I drive on the right side of the road, and I stop and wait when the light is red. These rules place additional burden on me, but I am willing to accept them because I want to be a part of the community. I still get to where I’m going either way, one is just more safe and practical for my lifestyle.

I’m not sure about this. I find our rules and obligations interefere with spirituality at times. For much of my life, following our cultural values drove me nuts. I feel better now that I’m liberated from certain non-commandment-related norms. Truly better.

Quote:

3) These also apply to my kids, and how I teach them to grow up and be happy.

Not for me. I don’t feel it’s right to impose a philosophy that I myself struggle with (my own personal philosophy) simply because I hit a trial of commitment. The Church program is working for my daughter, and so, I’m not going to disturb it. I will support it as much as possible.

I weave in principles I believe in, and simply steer clear of the ones that bother me. So far, it works. I don’t even have a coherent overall philosophy to share. So, to use your education analogy, for me to take charge of their doctrinal, philosophical education from the ground up would be akin to homeschooling without a curriculum. But I’m a great tutor when they have life questions that bother them.

Quote:

Right now, I have decided to focus more at home and individual spirituality, and less from the church organization that is there and available to me.

But you can attend on your own terms; your kids get some kind of structured grounding, while you teach the life and general principles that are truly at the heart of spirituality. I agree with pursuing personal spirituality — that’s what it’s all about at the core anyway.

Quote:

I will continue to evaluate if there becomes a point I need more things from the church I cannot find on my own, and at that point, I will re-engage at church. It will still be there. I know there may be consequences of losing relationships with others at church, losing respect by people who see I don’t go, and risks that my kids aren’t taught traditional mormon culture that may strengthen them individually.

I like the suggestions above — and that is to minimize, but not entirely cut out your Church involvement. Take that time away regularly with your kids, without severing the ties. In spite of the concerns you have (and that I also have, different, but also pointing me in the same direction), I still attend. I feel a loss when I stay at home and find my kids are bugging me to stay at home with me. A father who doesn’t go loses the kids in my experience — and there is nothing firm to replace it with yet as you (like me) are in a state of spiritual flux right now.

Just my take having dealt with similar thoughts.

[Anonymous]

I went through the same questions a few weeks ago but with much less detail. My conclusion was that church helps me to be a better person by reinforcing the good and reminding me about things I things I shouldn’t do. I need to go to church because I really start slipping when I don’t.

[Anonymous]

That’s an extremely wise and practical response, Thoreau. :thumbup:

[Anonymous]

Heber13 wrote:

That’s an extremely wise and practical response, Thoreau. :thumbup:

I agree. Surely I was worse off as a person without the Church than within.

[Anonymous]

doubtingthomas wrote:

I agree. Surely I was worse off as a person without the Church than within.

Any chance you or Thoreau can share what things you found were better for you? Is it that the church forces you to stay connected? Stay conforming to standards that push you and challenge you? What exactly is it? (if you don’t mind sharing)

[Anonymous]

I have been worse within, unfortunately….I was happier as a non-member, served out of love, and wanted to be good…..being in the Church has created a treadmill I can’t ever seem to satisfy.

[Anonymous]

One thing that it helps me with is my mouth. I used to have a really foul mouth. Smoking is not an issue. I do have some addictive behaviors. My biological father and his father were alcoholics, my two brothers have had marital problems related to alcohol and drug use. I very easily could have gone the same way. The things the church teaches about family relations help me. I admit that me being a better person because of the church could also be attributed to other outside influences but for me the outside influence was/is the church.

[Anonymous]

For these reasons, I think the church can be true for lots of people. Maybe even me, I will see. I’m still holding out for now.

[Anonymous]

I think a slightly different way of thinking about this, which others have also touched on, is to make a transition from needing the church to using the church when you needed.

Could someone perhaps become a spiritual master, and reach the full potential of enlightenment without relationship to other people in a religious context? Sure, I am open to that being possible. There are certainly some select, often hardcore, traditions of asceticism that approach this. The first that come to mind are the wandering Hindu holy men that seclude themselves in a cave or in the wilderness for decades to “find God.” I can admire the devotion, and I bet it is a profound experience, but let’s face it. It isn’t exactly practical on any large scale. How would you do that in New York City? Get my drift?

I don’t think you can access the fullest range of spirituality without confronting organized, social spirituality — which is organized religion. You can not experience spiritual compassion, for example, if there are no “others” in your social circle to give and receive compassion. You can not solve spiritual conflict, or be challenged with fresh ideas, if you are not in contact with and challenged by others.

Those are some thoughts off the top of my head. None of these are LDS-specific. I would just throw out the challenge that individual spirituality is not the be-all, end-all of the spectrum of faith.

Is it good to let go of attachment and feeling trapped by the LDS Church? Yes! And I think the only way some can overcome this is to take a break, or even leave permanently. That might be the path need. But I also don’t think the full experience can be had without some form of community — to both challenge us and inspire us.

[Author]

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