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Most of my life I have struggled with feelings of unworthiness (just read the miracle of forgiveness if you want to feel worth less than nothing) mainly because I happened to like books, movies, music etc. that I wanted to hear, see, and read. I fell away from the church mainly because of feeling guilty for just being myself. It was a navy chaplain (LDS) who explained to me that guilt should be a step towards repentance not a knife with which to cut your spiritual throat. When it becomes a weapon in the hands of Satan, you need to discard it. That simple explination went a long way towards coming back into the fold. I hope this helps a bit. I would try to separate your doubts (everyone has doubts and hopes) from your guilt feelings that are pretty over the top ( probably not healthy at all) and your marital pressures. Each has its own underlying cause, and if they get all tangled up you’ll arrive at some mixed up narrative that sounds kind of like this: the church gave me guilt about what was perfctly normal, and gave my wife unrealistic marital expectations, and the church isn’t perfect but pretends to be, therefore if we just ditch the church we’ll be happier. The way I see it, these are 3 different issues that are totally separate. The church thing I would shelve entirely and start first with yourself and then your marriage. Ideally, the church is a support structure, a group of people striving to be the best they can be by following Jesus’ example. Let it be that instead of letting it have a voice in your head and your wife’s head. I’m no fan of porn, mostly because I think those girls have mothers, but masturbation is as Woody Allen said “having sex with someon you love.” I imagine it is a self-nurturing activity, but you feel guilty after because you don’t feel you deserve to be nurtured. We all have self-nurturing things we do. Perhaps you should just balance this one with others. As to your marrige, somebody somewhere got the crazy notion that we “deserve” a perfect spouse if we are obedient. I think we are marriage focused because marriage is the best way for us to grow through adversity and be confronted with our flaws. Marriage isn’t the reward until we create our own reward out of it which takes decades of commitment, service, and loving another despite and in a way because of their flaws. That’s human love.
Aaron, thank you for being so open, I know even in an anonymous forum it’s not the easiest thing to let yourself be so vulnerable. Anyway, after reading your answers to my questions I don’t really have any more advice. I think you’re doing exactly what you need to be doing to get healthy. I’m really glad that you and your wife have backed off a bit from the divorce option. Like you said, no one can tell where everything will end up, but having that hanging over your head in addition to everything else you’re dealing with can’t be helpful for actually solving your problems. But keep on fighting the good fight. You can do it, and as much as anonymous people on the internet can help, we’re here for you! 
Hi Aaron, I have thought a lot about what I could contribute that might help. I understand that these issues are real and painful. I recognized wisdom in what the hawk said:
hawkgrrrl wrote:The way I see it, these are 3 different issues that are totally separate. The church thing I would shelve entirely and start first with yourself and then your marriage.
Work to understand, accept, and love yourself – then do the same for your wife (knowing that she too is vulnerable and flawed) – and finally do the same for your relationship together.That might sound simplistic. I’m sure it is easier said than done but I am convinced that it is a core issue and central narrative in your own “hero’s journey.” My thoughts are with you.
Aaron, I guess every ward is different because where I live I’m never heard single women they should marry Eagle Scouts. I’ve heard of them told to marry return missionaries, but never Eagle Scouts. I guess I must not be worthy to be married. I never became an Eagle Scout. I got bored with going to the meetings and too many were too far ahead of me in athletics. It’s hard to deal with sex addiction, pornography, and masturbation no matter what age you are. I have a good friend who converted to the church, and I had the privilege to baptize him. But he still masturbates and watches porn, and he even let his addiction get out of control so much that he paid money to have sex with a stripper. However, he talked with the Bishop and was able to get some help, though he is still struggling, which is ok, for addiction is very hard. I have also struggled with pornography and masturbation in a much milder manner, but it’s still hard for me. The best advice I have for you is begin to gain faith in Jesus Christ. He is the one that makes me feel I can get through this life. I feel I can be able to conquer sin through his atonement, and I try to emulate the way how He treated people with love by his constant service and ultimate sacrifice. I know God and Christ love you. Use their power and the power within yourself to seek help from therapists, etc. to get you through these problems.
i guess the thing to ask is: at what point is masturbation and pornography harmful ? it’s like asking when is drinking alcohol harmful. and the ultimate answer is this: DEPENDS UPON THE PERSON ! some people can’t handle alcohol. some people are just genetically wired that way. most can handle moderate alcohol drinking and would never fall into addiction.
masturbation and pornography could be considered the same way. there are probably plenty of married men/women who masturbate and look at porn and would never cheat on their spouse.
Unfortunately some will and do.
Mike from Toronto
BeLikeChrist wrote:i guess the thing to ask is: at what point is masturbation and pornography harmful ? it’s like asking when is drinking alcohol harmful. and the ultimate answer is this: DEPENDS UPON THE PERSON !
some people can’t handle alcohol. some people are just genetically wired that way. most can handle moderate alcohol drinking and would never fall into addiction.
masturbation and pornography could be considered the same way. there are probably plenty of married men/women who masturbate and look at porn and would never cheat on their spouse.
Unfortunately some will and do.
Mike from Toronto
The real tragedy is that for most people, we only discover our pathways to addiction through experience and then we’ve often let a genie out of a bottle. I think there is wisdom in advocating abstinence from known dangers but I’m not about to judge anyone who finds rock bottom at the end of a bad fall because that’s a natural part of this life, learning by experience, we all do it.
I believe that when Paul said we see through a glass darkly, he wasn’t just talking about how little we know God and His ways but how little we know about ourselves.
I was listening to the Mormon Stories podcasts and there’s an episode that talks a lot about the psychological aspects of what it sounds like you are going through. It was really helpful for me. Here’s the link for it. God bless you sir. All of us are here to comfort you. All I can say is that you need to assess the needs of your children. Ask your wife if the severe emotional detriment of a divorce on the minds of your children is worth it. Your wife does have a right to be frustrated, because your issues compromise her self esteem. But in the church, we don’t believe in revenge, and children shouldn’t have to pay for the mistakes of their parents. I don’t believe you deserve all the guilt you’ve faced. Theres nothing that sickens me more than church leaders who may have treated you poorly in your time of distress. As I’ve read, I agree with everyone else’s posts on how we may have created an environment were we abuse ourselves with guilt. I don’t believe infractions of the law of Chastity are comparable to murder. In the Puritan religion, you could’ve been executed if you were caught masturbating. That society failed miserably. Enough is enough. The importance of Chastity is to have self-control and discipline of your physical body so that you save the best joys to share in the expression of Love with your spouse.
Godspeed you in your endeavors to keep your precious family together at all costs. Without trials, how would we know of the love we have for one another??
HI Aaron, I am so sorry you are having such conflict. I understand. Have you thought about therapy and behavior modification rather than the church doctrine that is making you feel bad? I hate to see you give up your life in the church because of an emotional or behavioral issue that can be changed. Truly!!! My heart goes out to you. I hope you stay.
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