- This topic is empty.
-
Posts
-
SilentDawning wrote:
My wife doesn’t apologize. I can be frank about things that happen that she is completely responsible for, and how they hurt me, and she never apologizes. But she has always been like this. When I ask for her reasoning on it I don’t get an answer I can quote back here. It is a kind of non-answer.This describes my wife (now ex). In our case, it was part of a pattern of abusive manipulation – likely tied to her narcissistic personality and borderline personality disorders. She apologizes to me now. Some of that is part of a pattern of manipulating her bf. Some of it could be sincere. Losing a family that supported her for 25 years could have shook her up. Or it may not have. I can’t ever be sure with those disorders.
Minyan Man wrote:
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
I watched my brother do this after AA. It was not always well received. What bothers me is the “well that’s on them” thinking that follows a bad reception. It’s completely devoid of empathy and consideration for that other person. Done like that, the apology becomes an arrogant new wrong.
Before opening old wounds w/o consent, we have a responsibility to know our audience as well as we can. If needed, we should get wise counsel from people capable of giving it. If this could clearly go either way, leaving it alone is a worthwhile option.
I agree completely. In my mind, when you are new to the recovery program, you shouldn’t just jump into this step. I think it was a year before I made a formal apology to any friends, acquaintances or family. It’s good to get feed back
from others who have gone through the process. It’s important to develop a plan and review it with your a friend or
counselor. Included in your plan, who should include who you should face directly & who you should not.
In my case, each person I approached differently.
Minyan Man wrote:
I agree completely. In my mind, when you are new to the recovery program, you shouldn’t just jump into this step.My brother was a life-long idiot. A lot of my post was a statement on apologies in general.
I’ve learned that I should maximize the other person’s well being while dismissing my own desires as much as I can.
Before I attained “apology enlightenment”, there were times where I didn’t apologize and it was appropriate-ish. This was in situations where the other person(s) and I were enabling each other’s bad behavior. Apologizes didn’t seem worth the effort when we were just going to keep harming each other in the exact same way.
One of the few times I got consistent answers to prayers was in regards to apologies. When I hurt someone by doing something that was spontaneous & terrible – and that person was a sincere theist (any faith) – I found if I prayed for their hearts to be softened, they were.
In a couple of cases where consideration dictated that I not revisit my transgression, I could tell on first eye contact that they had forgiven me, as in eyes moist and smiling.
Either that or they had just carried out the perfect revenge. The smiles seemed kind, tho.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.