Dont know if i should post this…

[Anonymous]

Just some questions. Are you naturally more of a person that focuses and analyzes problems more than everything is always sunshine and roses? I only say this because I know I am more of a serous attitude type person, than a I am so grateful and everything is great type attitude person and it has been interesting learning to grow in our church that is very hard lined. Just trying to find out more about you.

[Anonymous]

scthomas34 wrote:

Just some questions. Are you naturally more of a person that focuses and analyzes problems more than everything is always sunshine and roses? I only say this because I know I am more of a serous attitude type person, than a I am so grateful and everything is great type attitude person and it has been interesting learning to grow in our church that is very hard lined. Just trying to find out more about you.

To answer scthomas 34…

after anyalyzing your question quite hard and seriously…lol…

yes i do tend to focus on and analyze on problems and i have a tendency to be very serious. For example, i take my calling very serious and get my work done as early as possible. Im always looking for ways to cut costs in the annual budget and ways to include member missionary work. I found in the beginning that i had a hard time fitting in. I really struggled with being assigned a calling. I was so put out over that. I have since discovered that i truly had a hard time with authority. After blaming everyone from the sisters i worked alongside in my callings, to my irresponsible attitude, to my lack of knowledge about church matters…i realized the real issue was that i wasnt prepared to be so managed. I am also very hard on myself for not being up to standards. When i first posted my intro i noted that im single. Single in a family ward. It has been extremely hard to fit in. I even made an effort to reactivate several hundred inactive brothers and sisters because it bothered me so much. But now…with my new found knowledge (google is dangerous)…i feel foolish for insisting that being in church will make your life better somehow. My struggles recently have morphed into feeling inadequate for financial reasons and social reasons. Most married members dont associate with single women. It has also really bothered me recently that for those that have reliable transportation dont consider members at church that have trouble making the 3 hr trip to the temple. Just a few examples at what has been eating away at me recently.

[Anonymous]

wornoutsneakers wrote:

So my question is…what is really bothering me? I struggle to do as much as i can but always feel like its not good enough. Then there is the subject of being alone. I have tried repeatedly to meet someone that is lds but havent had any luck here. I am so tired of friends at church counseling me to pray and read my scriptures. Does praying and reading your scriptures really make everything better? Or is there a different answer? I love the church so much i cant imagine leaving to go somewhere else to find companionship. Does anyone else have these problems?

Perhaps you stopped paying tithing because you don’t feel the experience is providing the level of return you think it should? So the money invested appears to be “unworthwhile”? Or perhaps your testimony is not as strong given lack of fulfilment in your church experience? This has been true in my case in a number of ways. It’s as if we each do a cost/benefit analysis in our minds about the worth of paying tithing. And when the experience doesn’t seem to deliver the “goods” in terms of inner peace, or faith that eventually, paying tithing will be worth it, it makes it harder to pay it.

Does prayer and scripture reading making things better? No, it doesn’t. I think the primary benefit of prayer is that is calms us and helps us feel a sense of reliance on God. I can give us inner strength to meet challenges we face. But I have found that peace comes from fuilfiling day-to-day experiences. Sure, I think a healthy person will do a certain number of things out of sheer duty (regardless of whether they find them fulfilling), but if all we do is out of duty, life can become very stale quickly.

I like what Steve Jobs said “If you find yourself doing something you don’t enjoy too many days in a row, it’s time to make changes”.

Also, I think the best thing for inner peace is to drop all the expectations the church has of us to be good Mormons. Focus on being a good person, and if that means sacrificing time spent in geneological research in order to serve someone you really care about in a non-church capacity, then do it. I personally no longer care what local leaders think of me any longer. It used to be really important, but now, i take EVERYTHING they say with a grain of salt, and I disagree with a lot of the norms we have that make us feel guilty about our “failings” as defined by the church culture.

[Anonymous]

wornoutsneakers wrote:

yes i do tend to focus on and analyze on problems and i have a tendency to be very serious. For example, i take my calling very serious and get my work done as early as possible. Im always looking for ways to cut costs in the annual budget and ways to include member missionary work. I found in the beginning that i had a hard time fitting in. I really struggled with being assigned a calling. I was so put out over that. I have since discovered that i truly had a hard time with authority. After blaming everyone from the sisters i worked alongside in my callings, to my irresponsible attitude, to my lack of knowledge about church matters…

I can relate. I am a very driven person. I have always been working on gaining qualifications or degrees as a school teacher and since I did not feel I was reaching my potential I switched to the career path of a nurse practitioner which I am currently pursing because I am generally discontent with standing still. The challenge is that I am not always very content with my circumstances and I have gotten very frustrated when I haven’t reached my goals. Along with this, it has been very frustrating when those in the church haven’t been as motivated in the church as I thought I felt about the gospel. As a missionary, I was frustrated when members did not help us with referrals and generally in missionary work. As an Elder’s quorum president it was frustrating for me when in a branch of mostly high priest group age members, people did not want to fellowship new members, do home/visiting teachers or even befriend anyone at all outside of close family or friends- a general sense of retirement in the gospel. This was hard, because it did not leave hardly any one but and a few others who want to move the gospel forward.

I can say that it was hard for me to reactivate and do missionary work here, because I knew that so much would be demanded of these people once they joined the church often before they were ready in a unit that did not have much to offer as far as programs or unit support in the church which is so needed by new members. It almost seemed like I was sending people to failure. Even now, I want to get out there and be more involved in the front lines of helping those in need from broken situations, investigators, etc than it seems that most church members want to.

Now that I am just a teacher on Sunday in my new ward, I have noticed some things. I feel the spirit more powerfully since I do not so much to worry about on Sunday, who is at sacrament, is everything set up for lessons, meetings, etc. It is very to nice to just take the spirit of the ordinances, sacrament, the spirit of collobaration with the saints without expectation of other church members, and also the spirit of reading scriptures and prayer without thinking how I will use the scriptures to strengthen the somewhat limited understanding of churchmembers who seemed stuck. In essence, it is nice just to worry about me right now and enjoy my relationship between myself and God, the Atonement and feelings of the spirit.

The church has some black spots, really big, even recently we know, but despite this the ordinances are what we need and that where we feel the spirit that we know the gospel true and needed. I might suggest that you focus on yourself right now and strengthening your relationship with God, and block out the fact anyone else in there in sacrament meeting, because it is really between just you and God. Really immerse yourself in the scriptures and temple ordinances for you and I might even suggest reading Jesus the Christ, I found the real principles of the gospel. Its a tough one as far as who to hang out with, because I know it is hard for singles and new members. Are there other new members in the ward, or investigators? I have found that sisters tend to relate well to one another whether they are single or not, but your ward may be different. There has to some more open minded, maybe more liberal minded, or generally women who just like to socialize that you can connect with.

Does the gospel help you feel more spiritual and peaceful, yes. Does it completely change everyone of one’s attitude, negative or not, not necessarily. However, I found being a driven person that I have needed something more to settling the feeling of dreariness that I get in the week of sometimes when I have a hard time simply enjoying what I have and just enjoying life. I don’t like medications so for me I took the herbal route, I have found borage oil, and some other good herbal supps are powerful anti-depressants. In college I was on wellbutrin, a regular anti-depressant. Whether you want to go the normal route or holistic, I feel that anti-depressants can do a lot for type a personalities. I did not get married til late, but I know if would be hard for me to be in a family as a single, and not feel a bit awkward about it.

There are also answers for many of the negatives things you found that we all have to make sense of. I would really take the time to look at both sides and the in the middle of these issues that bother you. Once trust is tore down, just like you wouldn’t feel comfortable around guys that creep you out, you are not going to feel the spirit as much until your trust is rebuilt. It is important to build your intellectual testimony to the degree of truth that will help you overcome the things you are dealing with and of course prayer is important along with this. This is a long post but I hope it might help.

[Anonymous]

scthomas34 wrote:

it has been very frustrating when those in the church haven’t been as motivated in the church as I thought I felt about the gospel. As a missionary, I was frustrated when members did not help us with referrals and generally in missionary work. As an Elder’s quorum president it was frustrating for me when in a branch of mostly high priest group age members, people did not want to fellowship new members, do home/visiting teachers or even befriend anyone at all outside of close family or friends- a general sense of retirement in the gospel. This was hard, because it did not leave hardly any one but and a few others who want to move the gospel forward.

I can say that it was hard for me to reactivate and do missionary work here, because I knew that so much would be demanded of these people once they joined the church often before they were ready in a unit that did not have much to offer as far as programs or unit support in the church which is so needed by new members. It almost seemed like I was sending people to failure. Even now, I want to get out there and be more involved in the front lines of helping those in need from broken situations, investigators, etc than it seems that most church members want to.

Thanks for responding. I wanted to respond to a few things you said. For one, i can agree with the observation that many in the church have the sentiment i have a testimony so i dont have to worry about anyone else. Many would use the excuse that they are married, have a family, etc. I was even told after i joined that i shouldnt expect to make friends right away because as one sister put it “it took me decades to build the relationships i have with some of these sisters”. That really floored me and depressed me. Your right in stating that new members need so much in support from those around them. Speaking as a convert myself, it is extremely demanding to join this church! Besides giving up lifelong habits such as drinking coffee and tea, being chaste, being assigned callings, and given innumerable expectations…its no wonder many new members start to pull away after joining the church. On a sidenote, when i started doing some member reactivation work last year on more than one occasion several members would come to me and say “who assigned you this job?”. I was surprised to hear so many members say they thought missionary work had to be assigned, and so many were surprised to hear that someone volunteered to do something about it!

[Anonymous]

wornoutsneakers wrote:

yes i do tend to focus on and analyze on problems and i have a tendency to be very serious. For example, i take my calling very serious and get my work done as early as possible. Im always looking for ways to cut costs in the annual budget and ways to include member missionary work. I found in the beginning that i had a hard time fitting in. I really struggled with being assigned a calling. I was so put out over that. I have since discovered that i truly had a hard time with authority. After blaming everyone from the sisters i worked alongside in my callings, to my irresponsible attitude, to my lack of knowledge about church matters…i realized the real issue was that i wasnt prepared to be so managed. I am also very hard on myself for not being up to standards. When i first posted my intro i noted that im single. Single in a family ward. It has been extremely hard to fit in. I even made an effort to reactivate several hundred inactive brothers and sisters because it bothered me so much. But now…with my new found knowledge (google is dangerous)…i feel foolish for insisting that being in church will make your life better somehow. My struggles recently have morphed into feeling inadequate for financial reasons and social reasons. Most married members dont associate with single women. It has also really bothered me recently that for those that have reliable transportation dont consider members at church that have trouble making the 3 hr trip to the temple. Just a few examples at what has been eating away at me recently.

Hi, wornoutsneakers – I feel for you. I think you’re right that making meaningful friendships in a family ward can be hard. They seem to form at a slower pace – I hope things are looking up for you soon.

[Anonymous]

Hi,

I haven’t posted for a very long time, but when I read your intro today I decided to comment. I’m a convert and single woman, never been married. One thing that has helped me is to visit teach. It’s helped me make connections with women. Of course they’re all married and sometimes it’s hard, but I enjoy visiting and helping in that way. I do pay tithing because I feel it goes to a good cause. I’m not attending church at this time because what I’ve learned about God from the church is not helpful right now. I don’t feel acceptable to God when I go to church. I don’t feel like I’m good enough. I hope that you will hang tough and that this site will be a support to you.

[Author]

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