Don’t Let Gray Become Just Another Black and White

[Anonymous]

The following posts on my personal blog tomorrow, and I want to share it here, as well:

Some people simply don’t care about religious details. They don’t care whether or not religious history is pristine or messy; they don’t care about trying to figure out if something a prophet said is the word of God or personal opinion; they don’t care about lots of things that drive more analytically-minded people bonkers. They really just don’t care. Many of them see things in black-and-white, and many others just don’t care about shades of gray.

It’s VERY easy for those of us who care about historical detail and nuance and every issue to attempt to impose our own expectations and perspectives on others who see things differently or just don’t care like we do – to juxtapose a different black and white in the name of seeing gray. If we insist that ALL need to see the gray, that really is just another black and white viewpoint.

[Anonymous]

That is such an important perspective to keep available at all times. A lot of what causes us so much grief, it just works fine for a lot of other people — the majority actually. That’s OK. To be honest with myself, I have to admit it is probably the most healthy for groups too, to have a core of people that function well on the same sheet of music.

I am one of the spices, not the entree’.

[Anonymous]

I’m happy to have others believe what they want and have no interest in wanting them to see shades of gray or nuances or what ever. I would like, however, to be able to go to church just once and not have sit and be quiet becuase saying what I think or feel or believe is not in the script.

[Anonymous]

I like the point you make Ray…insisting others see all the gray that I see is really the same as “right” and “wrong”; “yours” or “mine”; “true” and “false” binary thinking.

However, is it my responsibility to break from this thinking (I know..the answer is Yes), or should the church be teaching us that and exemplifying that?

As long as church leaders make statements like Pres Hinckley’s sometimes infamous “Its either all true or not true” quote, or I’ve heard just me told by her mother “you’re either in or you’re out”, my effort to let go of that binary thinking will always be met with frustration by the masses at church that are reinforced with such thinking. Don’t you agree?

[Anonymous]

Brian, I like that analogy. My calling makes me appear to be an entree, but I really am too spicy for most people. However, I’m there for those who need more spices to flavor their meals.

I agree, GB – which is why I decided a long time ago to speak or not speak based on my own internal decision of how important it is to speak in that particular situation. As I said in another current thread, I try to weigh the cost and benefits of confrontation vs. silence – of myself, if you will, vs. loving others – and then, never quickly unless visible danger is involved, share my thoughts gently and quietly. Also, fwiw, I threw away “the script” and committed not to search the garbage can for it. Instead, I wrote my own script – based generally on the Sermon on the Mount and loving God, self and neighbors.

Heber, going back to your own analogy about being outside the box, “The Church” pretty much has to build a box that will support as many members as possible – and most people really do need visible borders and guardrails. I would go as far as to say that even we need some of that. The key, imo, is like the kite analogy – to be grounded somehow within the box by some kind of string but to be able to fly outside the normal restrictions of the box by being at the end of that string. Or course, the “string” has to be strong enough to not be snapped by the wind or the tress or the electrical lines – so we’re right back to balance and flexibility and manueverability.

[Anonymous]

Heber13 wrote:

I like the point you make Ray…insisting others see all the gray that I see is really the same as “right” and “wrong”; “yours” or “mine”; “true” and “false” binary thinking.

However, is it my responsibility to break from this thinking (I know..the answer is Yes), or should the church be teaching us that and exemplifying that?

As long as church leaders make statements like Pres Hinckley’s sometimes infamous “Its either all true or not true” quote, or I’ve heard just me told by her mother “you’re either in or you’re out”, my effort to let go of that binary thinking will always be met with frustration by the masses at church that are reinforced with such thinking. Don’t you agree?

I do (I know I’m not Ray… ). I’ve said this so many times my nose is changing color…but I really admire those here that can hear all the “right/wrong” talk and let it slide without a second concern. At least in my wards, that has been by far the majority of the members and leaders. I see a trend changing towards less B/W thinking, but its got a long ways to go to be comfortable for me…

[Anonymous]

Rix, I just realized I didn’t say that I actually agree with what Heber said. I do.

I agree it will cause frustration, but I don’t agree that it has to cause continuous, never-ending, over-whelming frustration. The frustration can cease largely, even if it never goes away completely – particularly with regard to certain issues.

Life causes frustration. I think someimes we forget that and end up kicking against mortality more than against the LDS Church – and not realizing we aren’t differentiating between the two.

[Anonymous]

Old-Timer wrote:

If we insist that ALL need to see the gray, that really is just another black and white viewpoint.

I like your point, but I must say that in my experience, I’ve been on the defensive side of this 99.9% of the time. Generally speaking I will get bombarded by the

Quote:

“Its either all true or not true” and the “you’re either in or you’re out”

from family and church members. Very seldom have I ever been in the position where Im telling folks that it CAN’T be black and white. Usually it is them “attacking” me that it CAN’T be Gray because it “HAS TO BE black and white. There is no other option…”

I think you make a good point though, and I think it is/should be a fundamental tenant of StayLDS — if we want others to respect our faith, views and beliefs, we better respects other faith, views and beliefs as well, including and perhaps,SPECIFICALLY, our TBM friends and family members. Sometimes easier said than done.

[Anonymous]

Old-Timer wrote:

Life causes frustration.

This is true Ray. I think that is intentional, because it is a test to see how we handle it, not if we got the right answers or not. I need to keep reminding myself that others, and go back and reread our other thread months back where we discussed how expectations are linked to frustration.

[Anonymous]

So what if those who are seeing only in black and white are causing harm to themselves and more importantly to others. What is your responsibility then

[Anonymous]

Cadence wrote:

So what if those who are seeing only in black and white are causing harm to themselves and more importantly to others. What is your responsibility then

We should judge our ability to influence the good and act, depending on the “promptings of the Holy Spirit” (either literal or symbolic). Like Ray said, sometimes he speaks up. Sometimes he does not. We should speak up and help our brothers and sisters when harm is being done.

The famous GBH quote from that talk about it’s all true or it’s a terrible fraud? I have told people I think GBH was wrong to say that, and quickly follow up that I understood what he was getting at, but those statements destroy the faith of some of our dear and vulnerable members who are struggling (but want) to stay in the Church. Even prophets say things sometimes in error or with unintended consequences. It has happened all through our history. Moroni apologizes in the Book of Mormon for the weakness of his words, hoping that his errors do not detract from our faith. It happens. They are still prophets sharing important messages, and they are doing the best they can.

“Nevertheless, I do not write anything upon plates save it be that I think it be sacred. And now, if I do err, even did they err of old; not that I would excuse myself because of other men, but because of the weakness which is in me, according to the flesh, I would excuse myself.” (1 Nephi 19:6)

With practice and, most importantly, with true love in our heart, we can play the role of the loyal opposition when needed. That is why God made us the way we are.

[Anonymous]

and sometimes I speak privately rather than publicly.

I try to act “appropriately” in each different situation, which means I can’t have one pre-fabricated response that I whip out every time a particular issue arises or statement is quoted. I can pre-plan the overall tone I use (strident and/or loud only in times when I perceive imminent danger), but I try not to memorize canned responses that might not be appropriate in the moment.

I laid out a lot of that in my posts in the Spiritual Stuff section about charity not behaving itself unseemly, if you want to go back and reveiw them. It’s why I really like the concept of listening to the Spirit and seeking guidance at all times (like having a prayer in your heart at all times) – no matter how each person might translate that concept into an image that works for them. It points to the need to be in tune “in the now” – recognizing how to act in the present – being able to ascertain not necessarily what it “true” or “absolute” but rather what is “right” and “good”.

Moroni 7 says that the way to tell what comes of God is that those things invite to do good – and I think that such a broad definition encompasses what I’m talking about here. (and it’s interesting to me that this definition says absolutely NOTHING about good being defined intellectually or academically) At the core, I simply believe that I have to weigh my response to anything by how my action will affect EVERYONE who hears and/or sees it – so I reserve the ability to speak or remain silent, to speak publicly or privately, to raise my voice or whisper, to shake my head and shrug or nod and grin, to confront physically (very rarely) or walk away, etc. That’s also why I am less prone to criticize those who speak to hundreds, thousands or millions – since not hurting anyone, in any way, in those situations is next to impossible.

I guess what I’m saying (and I’ve never seen it this way until right now) is that life itself is gray for me, so I need to treat each moment like I treat my search for truth – in a way that allows me to learn both FROM and IN each moment – that allows me to avoid calcification and hardening. However, as my quote in Heber’s tagline says, I also need to avoid trying to make others be me – recognizing that sometimes a black-and-white perspective is necessary for someone else, even if it hurts me in some way.

In the immortal words of the man in black, “Life is pain, Highness.” Why should I blame the person who hurts me unintentionally for simply proving that foundational truth? (Intentional acts or those that scar deeply are different issues, and I speak up in those situations.)

[Author]

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