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By the Blue Pill I’m referencing The Matrix. If I knew then what I know now,I would have remained in my blissful state of ignorance and enjoyed the rest of my life. Well, if I were mentally whole, that is. I suppose the crux of my crisis is due to Bipolar I Disorder. The story is so long and painful, I wonder if it’s even worth sharing again, having explained it over and over to every Bishop, Mission President and Stake President. On the outside I’m just another one of the flock. I like that. I have discovered that, in general, the Church doesn’t know how to deal with an instrument that is so damaged it cannot be fully tuned correctly. Having a music teaching degree from BYU makes the fact that I’m the damaged instrument even more ironic. If you know anything about bipolar disorder you know that it takes you for a ride, you are seldom in the driver’s seat. Medication helps, but 37 years ago the situation was different. My mission was a disaster. When the jumping off point of a life in the Church is a miserable failure, it sets a tone that is a major dischord.
To explain where I am would take volumes. The very short version is, logic combined with faith and tainted by bipolar disorder has left me without a flock. No other religion will do. If the LDS church really isn’t true, then religion as a whole is a farce.
The crisis runs much deeper than can be written here. My belief in God has not changed, only everything after that. I simply desire to associate with my tribe; my people. If this is as close as I am able, I hope to find some fellowship here.
I did an intense 2-year independent study with nearly the exact results as found on the Home Page of this site “Why Mormons Leave the Church.” Too many irreconcilable differences. That’s not how I want it to be, and I am still studying to find a reason to believe.
khakari wrote:By the Blue Pill I’m referencing
The Matrix. If I knew then what I know now,I would have remained in my blissful state of ignorance and enjoyed the rest of my life. Well, if I were mentally whole, that is. I suppose the crux of my crisis is due to Bipolar I Disorder. The story is so long and painful, I wonder if it’s even worth sharing again, Khakari:
Welcome. I can certainly understand not wanting to tell a long and painful story over again, but I can tell you that many here would be interested to hear it. And would learn from it, I’m sure. Bipolar disorder is so complicated and so misunderstood by those who have no experience with it. I think so many members of the church (including bishops and other leaders) don’t understand it and as a result don’t know how to interract with or know how to comfort or mourn with those affected — including families. I hope your journey brings you peace.
What did you think about Elder Holland’s talk on depression/mental illness in the last gen conference?
Glad you are here.
LDSThomas
Thomas: Your reply, for the most part, gave me comfort knowing someone gets that bipolar is real. But I have to tell you, Jeffrey Holland was my idol. During my crisis, I wrote two letters to him and received answers. As I studied further, I found things about my idol that I wish I hadn’t. Nothing sinful, just shy of perfectly honest. I can’t even listen to his name without my heart breaking. At this point, I can’t even imagine hearing his voice again. We are so stupid to idolize men, mortal men who make mistakes. But it happens all the time. What I learned about Joseph’s life within the Church hurt me, but did not stun me. Religious fervor abounded in the region at the time. But what I learned about Jeff broke my heart, because he lives in the Age of Technology, of enlightened and intelligent society. He should know better. Truthfully, it breaks my heart because I do love him so much. It’s like being cut off from the Father. I know I’ve said too much again. I apologize. No, I didn’t hear what he had to say, and I dare not listen.
Thank you for the welcome. More of my story will emerge as others ask as well. I don’t want to bombard folks with things they don’t care to know. But you are right. Church leaders do not know how to deal with mental illness, even when it is explained to them in first-hand detail. They just shake their heads and turn to the bishop’s manual and do what it says. They’re not to blame. There is no blame.
Bi-polar disorder can be brutal. I hope we can help somehow. Fwiw, Elder Holland is a supporter of efforts like ours. If it’s “nothing sinful”, you might want to read his talk in the last conference – and grant him the grace of not needing to be perfect. Unrealistic expectations shouldn’t be held against the object of the expectations.
Not having dealt with Bi-polar or had family with it, I can offer no real words of wisdom on that subject other than welcome and I hope we can help in some manner. On the subject of idolized leaders, I agree with Curtis. I had a youth leader that I idolized, then, on one scout camp he picked on one of the less popular kids, along with the other kids. I lost a lot of respect for him at that point in my life. I basically had written him off. On another camp a couple of years later he came along as a chaperon (one of his kids is my age). We went on a slot canyon hike, the issue being one of the kids in the group wasn’t the most athletic and the hike turned into a more difficult hike than we expected. This leader carried one of kids for the last mile of the hike. (Note: this leader was known to have bad knees from playing too many sports when he was younger.) I don’t idolize this leader like I used to but the second experience helped me to understand that everyone deserves chances and that when an idol falls it is possible to learn from and respect them. While you may never respect Elder Holland as much as you did, I think most of the traits and wisdom that led you to idolize him are still there and if given the chance, like my leader, you may learn to respect him again.
Curtis and oneofmany: Thank you so much! I decided to at least read the conference talk. And as I saw Elder Holland’s face, after reading I took the chance to listen as well. I am ashamed of my judgment and have found peace in my relationship with Elder Holland. Who was I to judge his imperfection? His compassion for “my” condition is overwhelming and I believe his sincerity. I can only wonder what my ex-wife (a psychologist) felt during that talk. She suffered with my condition as much as I did. Her suffering may even have been harder, because I have grown used to the pain, whereas it was so new to her.
I left her because I felt I was no longer worthy to be her husband; that I could no longer put her through that kind of pain. We remain friends. In fact, most of the family, including her and myself, believe that we will marry each other again, even within this lifetime. She knows she is my one and only. But I am still a broken vessel. And she is still a mortal woman. And the pain doesn’t magically disappear, or even become bearable in some situations. So, for now, we remain apart.
As for Elder Holland, whatever it was that alienated me from him, it is gone. When he speaks of the Atonement, even though my logical mind does not see the need, my heart tells me it is real. However, as I have suffered with bipolar disorder, I have learned to not trust my heart. Therein lies the great sadness. I revealed, secretly, to my son-in-law under strict oath that I am reinvestigating my membership in the Church. I am working to know the Truth, however my mind can accept it. He told me that his wife, my daughter; and her sister and mom all believe that I will be back. Their faith in my former testimony gives me strength.
One of the saddest side effects of bipolar is that those you love cannot trust who you will be on any given day. So we hide away. We hide from ourselves for fear of who we might wake up as tomorrow; hoping the medication will be effective and that we won’t so offend someone as to lose our employment, our friends, our very lives.
Thank you for kicking my conscience. One hurdle overcome.
khakari wrote:One of the saddest side effects of bipolar is that those you love cannot trust who you will be on any given day. So we hide away. We hide from ourselves for fear of who we might wake up as tomorrow;
hoping the medication will be effectiveand that we won’t so offend someone as to lose our employment, our friends, our very lives. Hi, khakari – Glad you’re here. My brother is bipolar. I just want to tell you that we had a great visit with him recently. So much water under the bridge, but he said, “I look for the silver linings.” That is
notwhat my brother growing up would have said, or what my brother the brilliant college student (or disillusioned return missionary, divorced dad, or homeless, estranged sibling) would have said. If you had asked me anywhere along the line if we’d get to this good, “new normal,” I would have said no. I don’t know your situation, but I hope you find a good treatment and I wish you the very best. I’m glad you found us and I’m sorry to hear about your illness. This is a good place to be able to express concerns and frustrations. I hope we can support you and you to us in return. I’m glad you’re here and I’m also sorry you are suffering this illness. I’m also glad you already took someone’s advice and read/listened to Elder Holland. Please know that this place is a safe haven, and if nothing else the good people here will offer you support. I too welcome you. I remember reading the introduction from wjclerk some years ago about this very same issue.
I pulled up the link in the hope that reading his post might bring you some comfort or understanding.
http://forum.staylds.com/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=2629 I do believe that we as a church are not well equipped to handle mentle illness. It seems to fly in the face of our sense of agency.
Again – Welcome!
I wrote the following post on my personal blog at the beginning of this month. I thought of it as I read the comments and hope it helps in some way: “
Struggles with a Joy-Focused Church: The Plan of Salvation vs. The Plan of Happiness” ( http://thingsofmysoul.blogspot.com/2014/01/struggles-with-joy-focused-church-plan.html
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