Elder Nelson – Women, step forward

[Anonymous]

Let me share an experience I had which I haven’t shared. Recently our stake had their annual auxiliary training meeting. The meeting consists of the stake RS, YW, and Primary presidencies and the presidencies from all the wards. A member of the SP is supposed to be there, as well as the HCs who advise each of those organizations. I got a reminder email from the Primary president (my area). I didn’t want to go and guilted myself into it (I didn’t go last year). I arrived a few minutes before the meeting was to start and walked into a chapel full or women and took a seat on the back bench. Before my butt hit the bench the stake RSP was there asking me if I was there to preside. I told her I hadn’t been given that assignment and expected a member of the SP to be there. She said there were no other priesthood there and would I join them on the stand? I did so, and was joined by the three presidencies. The sister conducting acknowledged I was there and presiding (I didn’t look up from playing with my tie). The opening exercise was beautiful, we sang all the verses of “Come Follow Me” (I sang very softly), the prayer was nice (but a bit long), there was a very short inspirational message and a soloist who sang “Beautiful Savior.” Though I felt terribly out of place, I felt what I think is the Spirit. After the opening exercise I went to the Primary meeting, which was well prepared and informative. The sisters shared what they do in their own wards, what works for them, what challenges they had, etc. I was asked to say a few words, which I hadn’t planned on and again made me feel uncomfortable – it was their meeting and they were fine without me. I stammered around a bit, bearing testimony of the Savior and stating my belief that all meetings, including those for children, should be Christ centered (with which they all agreed). I then told them they act under the same keys I do, with the same authority I do, and they should recognize and not underestimate the trust the God put in each of us by giving us such experiences – especially in working with children (I don’t believe the God part, but the rest was true). I didn’t stick around for refreshments.

The point is, these sisters would have been fine without me and I knew that going in. Next year I will find an excuse not to go (if I’m still in this calling).

[Anonymous]

QuestionAbound wrote:

Really, though – the next question that seems to be popular is HOW can women be heard without coming across as whiny or angry?

From the article that Hawk linked.

Quote:

“We’ve both seen it happen again and again,” Sandberg and Grant write. “When a woman speaks in a professional setting, she walks a tightrope. Either she’s barely heard or she’s judged as too aggressive. When a man says virtually the same thing, heads nod in appreciation for his fine idea.”

One of the articles had a link to yet another article that offered 10 words that will stop the interruptions and the man-splaining.

Quote:

Men interrupt women, speak over them, and discount their contributions to a discussion with surprising regularity. Here’s how women should respond.

“Stop interrupting me.”

“I just said that.”

“No explanation needed.”

The problem is that if I were in a business meeting and a female colleague was using these phrases to assert herself I would find her to be abrasive. I would find it even more abrasive (almost to the point of being hostile) if these phrases were used by a female leader in ward council. A tightrope walk indeed.

[Anonymous]

hawkgrrrl wrote:

Quote:

I think the leadership is sincere in doing what they think they can to move closer to equality.

I agree with this.

Quote:

I think they care deeply about women.

I question this. Women are a foreign race to most of the men of the church. Can you love what you don’t understand, what you see as eternally different from you? I think there’s too much deliberate misunderstanding of women, too much seeing us as something completely different from men. When people talk about gender essentialism as if it’s a real thing, it’s a way of putting distance in understanding between men and women, of making women incomprehensible and other.

This is a subtle thing. Just as an example, when I was a missionary I thought of myself as doing the same thing as the elders, one of them. It took me a while to figure out that even if we were friends, most of the elders didn’t view the sisters this way. I hope the change in mission age changes this.

For me the question is less whether you can love what you don’t understand, and more that when you love something or someone you try to understand. That applies to concepts like the atonement and people like my husband.

So whether I actually understand my husband or not, he knows I love him because I care enough to try. I don’t just consider him inscrutable because he’s a man.

[Anonymous]

DarkJedi wrote:

I was asked to say a few words, which I hadn’t planned on and again made me feel uncomfortable – it was their meeting and they were fine without me. I stammered around a bit, bearing testimony of the Savior and stating my belief that all meetings, including those for children, should be Christ centered (with which they all agreed). I then told them they act under the same keys I do, with the same authority I do, and they should recognize and not underestimate the trust the God put in each of us by giving us such experiences – especially in working with children (I don’t believe the God part, but the rest was true). I didn’t stick around for refreshments.

The point is, these sisters would have been fine without me and I knew that going in. Next year I will find an excuse not to go (if I’m still in this calling).

I like what you said, and maybe they do need you there to say it again next year. There are not a few women in the church who don’t get that message from the men in their lives, from their own upbringing, or who lack confidence.

[Anonymous]

Amen, Ann. A-freaking-men.

[Anonymous]

Quote:

Ann wrote:

For me the question is less whether you can love what you don’t understand, and more that when you love something or someone you try to understand. That applies to concepts like the atonement and people like my husband.

So whether I actually understand my husband or not, he knows I love him because I care enough to try. I don’t just consider him inscrutable because he’s a man.

Sweet Ann .. Just .. Wow .. You nailed it!!!

DH and I are very different in the way we think. It keeps the relationship very interesting. We both adore the other and put a lot of time and effort into the relationship. If we had not, instead of an amazing success, we would have a full failure .. Because we are so very different. We try every day .. And we both know it. And we both trust that the other will be around trying equally hard tomorrow too.

[Anonymous]

I am almost certain this is a generational thing. My in-laws, may they rest in peace, were the ages of President Monson and Elder Nelson. My parents are the age of President Uchtdorf and Elder Bednar. My mom has served in LDS leadership callings, but she also has served as President or Presiding officer of many civic, scholastic, and community areas. My home was a matriarchy. Mom ruled the roost. She also continued her talents and has an active social calendar. Even now in retirement, my smart, business savvy, leadership father defers to her at home.

As my in-laws interacted, Dad was in charge. When he was out of town on business my mother in law just stuck around home. I remember seeing her eating dinner on a tray in a darkened house, except for the light near her. Dad could be gone for a week, and that was the routine. She was healthy and able, but if he wasn’t home, she just waited. Her sister lived 15 minutes away, but they just talked on the phone. She even once boldly went out and bought a radio CD player, but he wasn’t sold on it, so she took it back.

Therefore, whatever Elder Nelson pictures as Women stepping forward, just the idea that he’s thought about it maybe monumental in itself.

[Anonymous]

Quote:

whatever Elder Nelson pictures as Women stepping forward, just the idea that he’s thought about it maybe monumental in itself

Yes, sort of, but that’s why a gerontocracy is so difficult. People live much longer than ever, and the generation gap continues to widen. Things prior generations of women considered to be acceptable (being completely dependent, being abused, being ignored, having no options) are not acceptable now. Our leaders are addressing problems that society has mostly solved and are tone deaf to the type of sexism that is still out there. They are fostering sexism by their outmoded attitudes.

[Anonymous]

Quote:

Yes, sort of, but that’s why a gerontocracy is so difficult. People live much longer than ever, and the generation gap continues to widen. Things prior generations of women considered to be acceptable (being completely dependent, being abused, being ignored, having no options) are not acceptable now. Our leaders are addressing problems that society has mostly solved and are tone deaf to the type of sexism that is still out there. They are fostering sexism by their outmoded attitudes.

True, and having a twitter account doesn’t really fix it. For me sometimes when I can put something in context it empowers how I proceed. Instead of expecting the generation of my parents or myself and proceeding ahead, I look at where he is then make my move. I think that’s where OW hit a wall.

[Author]

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