Emphasizing home and family life

[Anonymous]

By far, my favorite Conference talk was Elder Bednar and his emphasis on keeping priorities.

Quote:

In 1833 the Prophet Joseph Smith received a revelation that contained a strong rebuke to several leading brethren of the Church to set their families in order (see D&C 93:40–50). A specific phrase from this revelation provides the theme for my message—“more diligent and concerned at home” (verse 50). I want to suggest three ways each of us can become more diligent and concerned in our homes. I invite you to listen both with ears that hear and with hearts that feel, and I pray for the Spirit of the Lord to be with all of us.

Suggestion Number One: Express Love—and Show It [snip]…

Suggestion Number Two: Bear Testimony—and Live It [snip]…

Suggestion Number Three: Be Consistent

These are near and dear to my heart. My family is the center of my world, and are my greatest priority.

To be honest, what I struggle the most with right now (and keep to myself because I don’t know who to talk about it to), is finding the desire to care much beyond my family. I often feel like telling the family to skip church, and go together as a family to the mountains for the day, picnic and talk and read scriptures. I haven’t done it yet, but have gone after church to the park and had great times.

In other words, I’m finding many things outside the church that I want for my family, but just keep committed to going on Sunday and youth night because to skip them just seems “wrong”. But I’m not sure why? What really brings peace and happiness is more time at home with the family, and less time at church with other families. I almost feel bored at what church has to offer me…but still go because I figure my kids still need the years of experience that I had by being raised active. But do they? Could they be learning more if we did other things together?

I’d like to feel like going to church as a family helps us feel good and strengthens us as a family and that we can have eternal relationships nurtured…not just it is something we must do and check it off on Sunday. Anyone have suggestions on how I should view this or change my attitude, and take Elder Bednar’s advice to keep the family in order, but how to not over-react to it and how to better see the church activity is also good for my family?

[Anonymous]

Wow, Heber, you’ve verbalized an internal struggle of my own.

I agree that the three things you listed from Bednar’s talk are great. Love is always number one. And, should not be expressed through a filter, rather unconditionally at all times (which is super hard when it’s your own kids).

I like the second part of bear testimony: live it! I think in much the same way that most members of the church do missionary work, being an example, is always the best way to bear testimony. I’m sure that’s not what Bednar meant, but, having lived a dramatic experience, actions speak louder than words. By alot. And I do mean ALOT! Plus, it’s so personal, for both you and your child, it should be shared as you would share personal experiences when dealing with other semi-consequential things in life, like your first sexual experience. With inspired delicacy and lack of pre-conceived ideas/ideals.

And then consistency. I know what the church ideal of this is, at least in the culture. Repetition and iron rod thinking. (nothing wrong with that 😳 ) But I see consistency as a moving target. Consistently spontaneous, for example. Consistently loving, without condition. Consistently open to any and all ideas. Consistently present (both physically and, especially, emotionally).

All of this is very, imho, and something I’m currently working on. (okay, I’ll probably always be working on it 😳 )

[Anonymous]

Heber I don’t know if this will help but I sense one of the problems can be seen in this way. I have known, now, 3 very wonderful, spiritual people who were pillars of strength in our ward but who were painters. Each of them slowly decided that going out and painting on Sunday was a far more spiritual experience for them (I can understand the dynamic here very well, when I am painting and really working well I move into a “nirvana zone” somehow where time disappears and the oneness of everthing flows into me and all this is channelled down my arm to the brush and though the work might not be spectacular for me it is an affirmation of existence and praise to Heavenly Father) . However, as they continued on this path it became more and more important to them and finally they dropped away from the Church completely and in many ways from righteous living, one with a divorce and the other two with real difficulties.

So your quote:

Quote:

In other words, I’m finding many things outside the church that I want for my family, but just keep committed to going on Sunday and youth night because to skip them just seems “wrong”. But I’m not sure why? What really brings peace and happiness is more time at home with the family, and less time at church with other families.

worries me. I guess at root, no matter what happens on a Sunday, I do take the sacrament and for those few minutes I can also reach into that “nirvana zone” and renew my covenants and my committment to love and life and that is extremely important to me. I have ceased to expect to be “edified” by almost any lesson situation in church but am often edified by talks in Sacrament and through my interactions in the Sunday School class that I teach so that is still satisfying and enough to keep the “duty” of going to Church on Sunday also a pleasure and a delight.

[Anonymous]

I think its about constructing proper priorities and executing our devotion in balance. If a person is thinking to themselves that “extra” church service gets them points in heaven at the expense of their families, then there is a problem in that mans thinking. If a person devotes all their time to doing what they want to discover God instead of meeting God where he commands, there is a problem too. I remember the words of the Savior when he said “Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar’s; and unto God the things that are God’s.”

I really think going to church doesn’t have to interfere with all the family things you want to do. Give God the things that are God’s, and then go enjoy your family the way you’d like to.

[Anonymous]

Bill Atkinson wrote:

I guess at root, no matter what happens on a Sunday, I do take the sacrament and for those few minutes I can also reach into that “nirvana zone” and renew my covenants and my committment to love and life and that is extremely important to me. I have ceased to expect to be “edified” by almost any lesson situation in church but am often edified by talks in Sacrament and through my interactions in the Sunday School class that I teach so that is still satisfying and enough to keep the “duty” of going to Church on Sunday also a pleasure and a delight.

Good response, Bill. The sacrament is important…and I need to remember the covenants and make that important.

“DUTY” is a good word to ponder. It is my duty to bring my family to church on Sundays, and to teach them about Christ (at church and in the home).

Thanks for the reminder. I worry also that if I stop going to church, it becomes easier to slip away (like your painter friends). I find once I start letting go of somethings, it becomes more difficult to hold on to anything. Being committed to going keeps it something we are committed to as a family…even if done out of duty. Perhaps this is why it is harder to be a cafeteria mormon than just full 100% TBM.

But like Swim said, my testimony to my kids should be living the things that I feel are important, and setting priorities (like Poppyseed put it so well)…and confirming my love for them that my work at home is my most important work. I really like Swim’s response:

Swimordie wrote:

But I see consistency as a moving target. Consistently spontaneous, for example. Consistently loving, without condition. Consistently open to any and all ideas. Consistently present (both physically and, especially, emotionally).

Finding the paradoxes are what provide deeper meaning to the straight and narrow way and the specific needs of the individual and circumstances. Not just being home physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well. They also need to see me provide service outside the home as an example of loving others, and the church is great for that.

One day, I’ll figure out how to be in stage 5 and let go of guilt for duty at church to be more Christ-like at home…but always be making those choices that are pleasing to God and me spiritually…not just rebelling and staying away from church because it feels better to.

[Anonymous]

Heber I am with you all the way and hope that our ongoing struggle to get to a place of some peace will come BUT Fowler as you already likely know doesn’t think it happens fast, it could take a decade which is a long time to do things out of “duty”. So I would like to suggest that when you go to Church consciously seek out and identify at least one moment each Sunday where you experience a sense of peace, a flash of joy, a simple grin at the silliness of life, a quiet relection watching a couple share touching or smiling with each other or their kids, anything like that. Now that isn’t enough, then when you get home write down the incident in your journal, once you’ve done it for a few months then you can start reading some of the older ones and reflecting on them. Its a thought, I find it helps me.

[Anonymous]

Okay, honest time, I have always struggled with the fact that other than my job, the church is the main competitor to my family time. After the mortgage, the church is largest single draw on my financial resources, and therefore directly competing with what the family gets. I have always had a little struggle when they talk about family first and balance, but then in reality the church comes first.

[Anonymous]

silentstruggle wrote:

Okay, honest time, I have always struggled with the fact that other than my job, the church is the main competitor to my family time. After the mortgage, the church is largest single draw on my financial resources, and therefore directly competing with what the family gets. I have always had a little struggle when they talk about family first and balance, but then in reality the church comes first.

SS, you know, I have thought a lot about this as well, because outside of work, the church takes up more of my time away from family than anything else, and lately I have become very protective of my family life, so I think about this often. The finances included.

I think it is really a personal thing. The church can’t tell you how much time or resources you must dedicate. My baptismal and temple covenants make me think I should be willing to give all if needed to build up the kingdom of God, with the faith it will bless the family in the eternities. But “willing” and “need to” are different, because the church is currently not asking me to give all my time, talents, and earthly possessions.

So I then think it becomes a personal balancing act. I’m asked to make family my #1 priority. Some of the ways I need to teach my kids is to show them that happiness in this life also includes making sacrifices unselfishly. Because of that, my time to serve others is away from my family, but blessing my family (and blessing me to be happier and therefore be a better husband/father). However, TOO MUCH time at church and neglecting the family is not God’s will. Family is first priority…but not the only priority. I’m accountable for determining the priorities for my family…not being guilt-ridden by what others think I should set as my priority.

Sometimes, the balancing act can only be figured out by trial and error. Right now, I have pulled WAY back on my church involvement and have learned to say NO to a lot of church things so I can be home and do more at home without stressing out and losing my mind (or my family), and if I see I have gone too far and are too protective of family life that I’m suffering spiritually, I will need to adjust it until it feels right. But I’m making the choice based on what I think my family needs, not what High Priest Group leader or my bishop thinks I need to do. So far, they’ve respected those boundaries I’ve set.

[Anonymous]

Heber13 wrote:

TOO MUCH time at church and neglecting the family is not God’s will. Family is first priority…but not the only priority. I’m accountable for determining the priorities for my family…not being guilt-ridden by what others think I should set as my priority.

I really, really love this, heber!

I grew up in a family where the church was first by far. Yes, they always said “family first” but my parents felt that by sacrificing and serving in the church they WERE putting family first. It’s a tricky paradigm. Or just whack. You decide.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the posts. It is a tricky balancing act.

A while ago I turned down a calling trying to keep things balanced. (We have some significant challenges at home, but then who doesn’t.) Then I took an 11-year-old scout calling, thinking I could handle that. We only had a couple of kids in our ward at the time, and we partnered with a neighboring ward. The leader there had planned 30 saturday events a year for 11-year-old scouts!! That was on top of week nights, roundtables and various other meetings. I stuck with that for nearly 3 years, but finally asked to be released. It completely left me drained.

I then became the Ward Activities Committee Chair, which isn’t too bad, if you have good people work with you, although I’m not really social by nature, at least mandated sociality. Things were going okay, but then, as I found is typical, they have added 2 more callings, so I can see I may be on the way to overloading again.

Sometimes if feels to me that the organization and its sprawling needs and tentacles of growth is the tomato that ate Cincinnati. We have talks on balance, and occasional actions from headquarters to reign in mormon sprawl, but the organization, suborganizations and their needs and missions seems to always grow back with vigor.

On the other hand, I understand the need to have lots of callings and to have people involved. Still, sometimes if feels like we need a corporate downsizing. The other day our bishop had all the ward positions in the ward listed on his white board. There were nearly 160, and we have a small ward. I think those are probably being filled by 80 adults. It would be good if we could scale that to the ward’s ability to fill the positions.

[Anonymous]

silentstruggle wrote:

Sometimes if feels to me that the organization and its sprawling needs and tentacles of growth is the tomato that ate Cincinnati. We have talks on balance, and occasional actions from headquarters to reign in mormon sprawl, but the organization, suborganizations and their needs and missions seems to always grow back with vigor.

I think the organization itself does have its own needs…and I think that needs to be severed from what my family needs are. The more I am willing to give, the more the church will take my time and money willingly…they won’t say, “Nope, we can only accept 10% of your income and no more!”

This is where there is human conflict in the church. In principle, you give what you can and don’t give more than your family can afford. In practice, some Dudley Do-Rights in the ward seem to give endless energy and resources because they love the church so much, and in comparison, I can’t keep up with them at that pace…I just don’t have the same capacity. That should be ok in God’s eyes…but mortals don’t know the details of what is going on in our lives, so I think the leaders don’t really know when people are giving what they can and when people are being selfish or lazy. 3 callings for one guy can be realistic. 1 calling for another can be too burdensome. They don’t know about my capacity unless I speak up and tell them.

Makes me wonder how the bishops ever justly chose how to control the goods when they lived the law of consecration.

[Anonymous]

I think it is so so so very important to establish thoughtful boundaries between yourself and the Church. Allow those boundaries to shift as the circumstances of your life shift. Let yourself feel challenged at times to stretch, or at least cause you to reflect on your priorities in life.

The Church is a great vehicle full of opportunities for service. But let’s face reality. It generally isn’t possible for most members to do everything possible (or suggested) and also maintain a responsible balance in life.

The Church centers it’s focus in life on the family unit, so I say take that teaching to heart and “believe” it. If in conflicts with other teachings (which we know happens in religion), then stick with your priorities. As a suggestion, I personally put things in this order:

1. My spirituality, relationship with God. I can’t serve others if I am not strong enough.

2. My family’s needs.

3. The Church.

And I am quite comfortable saying that is a perfectly acceptable “Mormon” prioritization. The Church is last on that top-3 list.

[Author]

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