Eyes Wide Open

[Anonymous]

I read the above, eyes wide open, in another post here and it really grabbed me. I have struggled

to keep my testimony as my eyes become more wide open…..and have found it has a lot to do with

whether I’m willing to trust in God and His Will.

We have had some heavy challenges in our ward ‘family’ which have made forgiveness really

a hard challenge for me. I have prayed and prayed and worked on forgiving. Our ward really

suffers with need of much healing and I consider my part in this is to keep seeking forgiveness

for those that have harmed me/my loved ones in the ward, especially among the priesthood

leaders. And trusting that God will prevail, for this is His Will. Recently, the Holy Ghost helped

me make great progress in this area.

I didn’t want to take a calling as a gospel doctrine teacher last year, for I knew many in the ward

did not like me/my family, and how could I teach them?? It was very hard to obey this calling, but

I finally chose to obey. A few weeks ago when praying and studying (which I have done faithfully

every day for years), the Lord let me know that He had called me to this position because unbeknownst

to me, I was on the road to apostasy from my deeply hurt feelings in this ward and He gave me the

calling to save me from apostasy. I served with great difficulty all year as a gos. doc. teacher and yet

I knew that was where I was supposed to be. It took tons and tons of prayer for me to stand up in

front of class and give the lessons assigned. God stuck by me for sure and certain. And He saved me

from this unkown apostasy. How deeply grateful I am that the Holy Ghost kept letting me know I was

a true child of our Holy Father in Heaven.

During this time, I was at stake conference and we had an apostle. I just wanted to sit close as I was

sooooo hurting over our ward that I hoped to just get a message from his talk that would comfort me.

After conference, I said hi to a ward sister sitting near me……I asked her if she wanted a ride home……

so in doing this, we went out the same way that the apsotle had gone instead of the other door. As we

got to the foyer, I was surprised to see the apostle still there. My single friend wanted to say hi, but I

was content that I’d just sat near enough to see/hear him clearly. After she shook his hand and talked

to him, he looked over at me, took my hand, looked deep into my eyes and said twice: “you are precious”,

“you are precious” with great emphasis. I knew it was a direct message from Heaven. I needed that

and will never forget that Father in Heaven was completely aware of me and getting His message to me

through His apostle.

So, with eyes wider opened, He puts forgiveness from my head into my heart and though I hope to

leave this ward sometime soon, at least I’ll leave with healed feelings and love in my soul.

I found out recently that one problem in our ward, that is quite rampant, is pornography……and of

course that will cause people to be unkind and communicate without the Spirit. God bless our ward

with continued needed healing.

I pray God will help me to be a part of the solution. It feels so good and free to be over the hurt

and unforgiving feelings.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for this, ferfun. Sometimes, God really does work in mysterious yet personally undeniable ways.

I do believe in the concept and principle of some blessings coming only after the trial of faith, and it’s good to be reminded of it in actual experiences like this.

[Anonymous]

ferfun, I admire your spirituality & determination to work through your problem(s).

Many of us when faced with adversity either fall away completely, take a vacation from church or move.

You took the “road less traveled”. I must be lonely sometimes.

I’m trying to understand, when you said:

Quote:

We have had some heavy challenges in our ward ‘family’ which have made forgiveness really

a hard challenge for me. I have prayed and prayed and worked on forgiving. Our ward really

suffers with need of much healing and I consider my part in this is to keep seeking forgiveness

for those that have harmed me/my loved ones in the ward, especially among the priesthood

leaders.

Believe me, I’m not trying to be nosey. What happened to get you to this place in your life?

If you tell me “it’s none of my business” or “it’s too difficult to discuss”, I can accept that too.

Mike from Milton.

[Anonymous]

It is extrremely lonely….. add being a widow on top of that…..thank you for your caring words.

Mike asked me to explain this if I felt comfortable:

“We have had some heavy challenges in our ward ‘family’ which have made forgiveness really

a hard challenge for me. I have prayed and prayed and worked on forgiving. Our ward really

suffers with need of much healing and I consider my part in this is to keep seeking forgiveness

for those that have harmed me/my loved ones in the ward, especially among the priesthood

leaders.”

I don’t explain things as well in written form as in conversation…….I think all of the details don’t

matter as much as it matters that I am now seeking the ability from Heavenly Father to forgive

what has happened. Also, I live in a heavily lds populated area. This is not nearly all….but will help

you get the gist:

We found out my son has a form of autism, and when I went seeking some emotional support, I was told

by leader (in his words): ‘he’s (meaning my young adult son) just being stubborn’…….’I want proof’. A

few months later when I had more proof (same diagnosis as the first one, at a cost of $500), I called him

to tell him and he yelled at me, then hung up on me…..I sat there puzzled at his anger. I’m not a ‘sassy’

person, I was calling him to let him know I had further proof.

I was told when seeking his counsel/comfort considering my son going inactive: ‘well, what do you want

me to do, go visit him?’ which would have been kind on his part to just reach out, but I had not asked

him to do so, nor was that even on my mind…..his comment came out of the blue. As a widow, I felt need for

support and kindness. NO leader, and I mean NONE has come to visit my son in the now 3 years that he’s

been inactive, their loss for sure……he might be inactive but he’s still a human being. As I understand, this

‘view’ of my son was passed on to other leaders in their meetings, which may be why no one has come to

visit my son…..he’s just being stubborn afterall?????

Then they wanted to call him in to chastise him for not working a full time job, which he cannot do because

of his condition (but he has a part time job that pays good money so he is able to mostly support himself)……

thank the dear Lord on that one, as the one making appointments happens to know my son’s challenges

because him and his wife are my friends; so he came by to let me know what was brewing, and I told him

to just tell them no.

As mentioned, this is brief; plus there are a few others that have come to me to share their challenges;

as I’m a good listener. My deeply hurt feelings and the feeling of being ‘alone’ went on to anger/bitterness

even in the midst of striving to be forgiving; which is where I caused myself to get on the wrong road. I did

eventually go to a higher leader and he apologized for the priesthood; then said he wanted to come meet my

son and get to know him, but he never has come over. Also, it might help you to understand that I am not one

to ‘stand up’ for myself….if a leader tells me something, I usually tend to think they must be right.

Our ward has a ‘social order’/groups…..which I am not a part of…….I am more the type of person that seeks

to like everyone.

As previously mentioned and our ward is not alone, the pornography problem is taking a huge toll on

the spirituality in our ward, and on the love…..which is waxing cold and colder. Signs of the times fer

sure. Much healing needed.

The best lesson in this for me is: that no matter the reality and pain of harms done, it is our duty to take it to

Heavenly Father and not allow it to lead us away onto ‘broad roads’. It is our duty to put the problems into the

Hands of Christ and have trust and faith that He will take it from there. And my testimony that God saves

us/helps us even when we don’t know how much we need it.

Also, I have been working for years on being humble and stripping myself of pride……still a long ways to go.

[Author]

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