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I recently ran into this short article by Susan Cain about faking it at work, and I thought of my brothers and sisters here at StayLDS. Constantly having to act cheerful when you’re really not happy is emotionally draining and can lead to burnout. To what extent does this affect us at church? http://www.linkedin.com/today/post/article/20140219135846-84796303-the-high-cost-of-acting-happy I think we all do this at times in our everyday lives. When someone asks “How are you?” we don’t typically launch into everything we are going through. However, in a faith crisis, or any big crisis, it isn’t something we feel comfortable sharing with just about anyone, so a phony response is often the first response. Going through the motions at church, for me, can be very emotionally draining. Enough so that I often have to steel myself to be there. I do have positive interactions and good moments, but I do feel I am faking my way through sometimes. And it is a lot of work. Hopefully as I learn to deal with my faith crisis, and I figure out my path, I will be able to be more authentic with those around me. It’s not just those with a faith crisis who fake it at church. It’s anyone who is prone to not be authentic. In my husband’s extended family there is a couple who did a skit at a reunion all about how they were all “As Happy As Can Be,” a great goal I suppose, but at the time, there was some Jerry Springer level crap going on in that clan. Putting on a happy face isn’t healthy if it’s not being true to yourself. Our miseries aren’t supposed to be hidden because they are an inconvenience to others or make us look bad. I say let your freak flag fly! It’s the only way to be really happy. Plus we are supposed to mourn with those that mourn. hawkgrrrl wrote:I say let your freak flag fly! It’s the only way to be really happy.
Haha! I think that is some of the best advice I’ve heard on the topic.I will add that what happened to me over time was that I learned, and I think I learned this here at stayLDS, to accept what I believed as the only thing that mattered. I haven’t felt the need to fake it at church for a long time. Things that are said that I don’t believe just don’t bother me much anymore.
Ok, I’ll be the guy that sands against the grain… or maybe I’ll follow the advice and let that freak flag fly. Dealing with the “fallout” of being authentic with people can be more emotionally draining that just faking it. People fake it because they fell like that’s the path of least resistance, they feel being authentic would cause even more stress. Besides, sometimes you just want to keep your feelings to yourself. Now I’m at a place where things at church don’t bother me that much but I don’t believe I’m at a place where I can be
trulyauthentic, church culture just isn’t very accepting that way. Being honest about feelings is one thing, being intellectually honest is another. How does knowing that the one true church has been restored to Earth through the prophet Joseph Smith bless your life?
Well you know what… I don’t necessarily believe that there’s only one true church right now and while we’re on the subject I’m not so sure JS was a prophet either. Well wait a minute, to be fair I guess I should back up a step or two. I don’t really believe in god right now, so yeah. I’m just here for the munch and mingle.
And then what? Deal with the gasps, the stares, and get to meet with the BP afterwards. Then you start to think… was it worth it?
There are other options, you can work under duress to find that intellectually honest response.
It’s inspiring to see a man dedicate his life to the teachings of Christ, so much so that he was willing to sacrifice his life for it. I’d like to live life with that sort of conviction for my beliefs.
Which takes work and can be emotionally draining until you have experience nuancing your responses like that.
Or you just say yep, Joe was the best, and avoid all that.
I guess the subject was about being honest with communicating feelings but that really isn’t a problem for me. Faking it in church to me meant not being honest about my beliefs. I did the path of least resistance for a while, I’m working on coming up with those nuanced responses so I can truly communicate what I believe in church.
This is why it’s good for me NOT to work in customer service. I can’t fake emotions ever. I’m pathologically transparent. I would make a terrible counselor because people would be hurt when my mouth said “Let’s discuss that a bit…” and my face said “What the hell were you thinking?!?”
nibbler wrote:Ok, I’ll be the guy that sands against the grain… or maybe I’ll follow the advice and let that freak flag fly. Dealing with the “fallout” of being authentic with people can be more emotionally draining that just faking it. People fake it because they fell like that’s the path of least resistance, they feel being authentic would cause even more stress. Besides, sometimes you just want to keep your feelings to yourself.
Now I’m at a place where things at church don’t bother me that much but I don’t believe I’m at a place where I can be
trulyauthentic, church culture just isn’t very accepting that way. Being honest about feelings is one thing, being intellectually honest is another. How does knowing that the one true church has been restored to Earth through the prophet Joseph Smith bless your life?
Well you know what… I don’t necessarily believe that there’s only one true church right now and while we’re on the subject I’m not so sure JS was a prophet either. Well wait a minute, to be fair I guess I should back up a step or two. I don’t really believe in god right now, so yeah. I’m just here for the munch and mingle.
And then what? Deal with the gasps, the stares, and get to meet with the BP afterwards. Then you start to think… was it worth it?
There are other options, you can work under duress to find that intellectually honest response.
It’s inspiring to see a man dedicate his life to the teachings of Christ, so much so that he was willing to sacrifice his life for it. I’d like to live life with that sort of conviction for my beliefs.
Which takes work and can be emotionally draining until you have experience nuancing your responses like that.
Or you just say yep, Joe was the best, and avoid all that.
I guess the subject was about being honest with communicating feelings but that really isn’t a problem for me. Faking it in church to me meant not being honest about my beliefs. I did the path of least resistance for a while, I’m working on coming up with those nuanced responses so I can truly communicate what I believe in church.
I agree with this.
There are some people whose friendships are important to me. I don’t want to hurt them and I don’t want them to be wary or me. I suppose one could legitimately say that if they’re real friends it wouldn’t matter. I hope so.
I’m slowly becoming more genuine but I also see certain things that I choose to keep to myself (and a few dozen people on staylds
I agree with the title, but . . . There is a difference between faking something and simply not sharing everything. The key to mental and emotional health is finding internal peace – no matter how that plays out externally. Too often we think changing external interactions will fix something or make it better – but without the foundation of internal peace, external changes can be just as if not more difficult than the status quo, since external changes affect more people (sometimes in ways that can’t be anticipated) and, often, don’t change the underlying cause of the root, internal problem.
So, I believe the best primary focus is on working out a peaceful paradigm and making external changes as that paradigm matures and deepens. The instinct early in a faith transition is to react in a crisis mode, which causes actions to be rushed and not managed by calm consideration. That’s one main reason I like “faith transition” more than “faith crisis” – although I recognize that the initial feeling is better described as a crisis than as a transition for many people. Therefore, the goal is to move from crisis mode to transition mode ASAP – whatever that means at the individual level.
Reading this post made me want to cry and smile at the same time; cry because it hits so close to home, and laugh because I can come here and say that. Going to church and pretending to be the same old me every Sunday is exhausting. I threw my back out yesterday and I’ll be laid up for a few days. I was pretty mad about it all because I don’t have time for this, but then I realized I had a legitimate reason not to go to church and was a silver lining. How warped is that? I’m a generally happy person and I love to smile at everyone and help them feel better, but these days I ditch out the second church is over. No on has done or said anything to hurt me and there very many good people there. I’m just so afraid that if I get talking, something will slip out and I’m not ready for that. I’m so glad I can come to staylds and say whatever I darn well please. I know I have to figure out other real world way to deal with this. Any suggestions?
One other thing I feel compelled to point out is that sometimes we aren’t faking it. We are just acting despite doubts. That’s what faith is. But later, if those doubts become stronger, we may change how we view our prior actions. We may cast them in the light of having been pretending or faking it, when at the time, our doubt / faith mix was just different. I think it’s important to remember the human tendency to rewrite the past in light of our present views. Quote:I think it’s important to remember the human tendency to rewrite the past in light of our present views.
Amen.
Curtis wrote:
Quote:I agree with the title, but . . .
There is a difference between faking something and simply not sharing everything.
The key to mental and emotional health is finding internal peace – no matter how that plays out externally. Too often we think changing external interactions will fix something or make it better – but without the foundation of internal peace, external changes can be just as if not more difficult than the status quo, since external changes affect more people (sometimes in ways that can’t be anticipated) and, often, don’t change the underlying cause of the root, internal problem.So, I believe the best primary focus is on working out a peaceful paradigm and making external changes as that paradigm matures and deepens. The instinct early in a faith transition is to react in a crisis mode, which causes actions to be rushed and not managed by calm consideration. That’s one main reason I like “faith transition” more than “faith crisis” – although I recognize that the initial feeling is better described as a crisis than as a transition for many people. Therefore, the goal is to move from crisis mode to transition mode ASAP – whatever that means at the individual level.
I really agree with this statement.
Since my FT I have had so many different feelings.. shame, anger, confusion to name the top three. I am a VERY open person and I it has been hard for me to feel that I am being dishonest with those around me. I felt very incongruent with myself at first, now I am feeling more at peace with my internal dialog the need to be SO open to everyone much less pressing. I am more at ease at keeping some things to myself with people that I care less about… but find it more helpful to be open and vulnerable with those I love. This is a new thing for me. I realize how much I have to mature.
I would like to add this these feelings eb and flow… like a heart monitor. UP and DOWN. Hopefully they will level out more inconstantly without the need for my heart to die;)
Hawkgrrl said: Quote:It’s not just those with a faith crisis who fake it at church. It’s anyone who is prone to not be authentic. In my husband’s extended family there is a couple who did a skit at a reunion all about how they were all “As Happy As Can Be,” a great goal I suppose, but at the time, there was some Jerry Springer level crap going on in that clan. Putting on a happy face isn’t healthy if it’s not being true to yourself. Our miseries aren’t supposed to be hidden because they are an inconvenience to others or make us look bad. I say let your freak flag fly! It’s the only way to be really happy. Plus we are supposed to mourn with those that mourn.
I wouldn’t say I am someone who is prone to be inauthentic, and with those who I am close to they know some of what I am going through. Some know all that I am going through (these are mostly people not in the church or not in my ward). I don’t explain everything because I don’t want to hurt their faith in the things they believe in, I don’t think they can do anything to comfort me in my situation, and many of them I’m just not close enough to to share my innermost feelings with. That said, I guess I feel a bit like I am inauthentic when I have to tune out the speaker because I don’t believe in what they are saying, and I guess I’m being authentic when I head for home after sacrament meeting because I’m done for the day. I put on a happy face sometimes for others because why burden them. I just burden my close friends : ) I’m fairly new to many of the things I’m dealing with, and hopefully with time I will have a clearer path to how I intend to handle it. I do like the imagery of “letting my freak flag fly.”
🙂
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