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Well, as of today, I’m pretty sure I’ve fallen off the pedestal to one of my children. I was privvy to their inside thinking, and there is a list of virtues and shortcomings about me as a father. The virtue list was shorter than the shortcomings list. But it is clear that I am no longer on the childlike pedestal I once occupied. I guess I’m saddened by this, although the assessment, I thought, was rather accurate. The weaknesses are my weaknesses, and some of them, are the result of my trying to lead the family in certain ways, only to find the family did not want to be led in that direction, so I gave up. I wonder how kids handle the knowledge their parents are not the super heroes they once figured? Is there a lesson in that about how we feel toward our church when leaders fall off pedestals, and history taints the once inspired, bigger than earth vision we had of the church?
And how do you as parents cope with the knowledge that your children see you as you really are, and not as the pedestal occupying figure you once were?
Good question! I believe in removing the pedestal myself, and allowing my kids to see me for who I really am. I share stories with them of mistakes I made as a kid, I tell them about things that I could have done better at work, and I apologize to them when I say or do something that hurts their feelings. When I make a mistake, I don’t hesitate to tell them that it was a dumb thing to do. And, when I make a decision that they don’t understand, I’ll try to explain to them why the decision was made and I’ll ask them what they think I should have done. We have a lot of open discussions, and I think that brings me down to their level, or brings them up to my level (depending on your perspective). I’m not comfortable being on a pedestal, so I prefer to remove it myself, before they watch me fall off of it. 😆 SilentDawning wrote:Is there a lesson in that for how we feel toward our church when leaders fall off pedestals, and history taints the once inspired, bigger than earth vision we had of the church?
And how do you as parents cope with the knowledge that your children see you as you really are, and not as the pedestal occupying figure you once were?
My oldest child recently received her patriarchal blessing and didn’t invite me or my wife. At first I was really hurt, now I’m only a little hurt by that decision. She has always been independent, even since birth, and we’ve noticed those tendencies in her for many years. She will likely be the most financially successful out of my children because I think she could thrive in a corporate environment. My wife and I were never on the pedestal.
For my other kids – although painful – it will probably be a good thing that we’re knocked off the pedestal. That may be a signal of maturation and independence. The difference is that church doesn’t want to be knocked off the pedestal. I think the collective church wants to be a benevolent dictator. I am a benevolent dictator to my younger kids but I want to allow increasing levels of freedom as they gain experience and grow older. That probably means that inevitably I’llbe thrown off the pedestal.
The last question I don’t have much insight into. I know that my parents went off their pedestal the last couple of years of high school but as I grow older and get more experience, they are partially put back on. Maybe on step on in a Captain Morgan pose.
Maybe that’s what it means to honor your parents. To recognize their huge list of shortcomings but still love them and respect them. And realize we’re probably more like them than we want to be.
Although growing up is hard, it’s even harder as parents when your kids grow up. Buddhists say “If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill the Buddha” which some take to mean that you eventually have to give up revering the people who are examples and be a grown up yourself. Also, consider the following progression that goes from childhood to adulthood: – Adoring my mother.
– Being friends with my mother.
– Finding my mother irritating.
– Sounding exactly like my mother.
You’ll get the last laugh, my friend.
SilentDawning wrote:And how do you as parents cope with the knowledge that your children see you as you really are, and not as the pedestal occupying figure you once were?
I want them to see me as I really am. I have close relationships with my kids, we love and respect each other. My daughters grown and in college love to call me for advice.Something about them seeing the real me and knowing my nature as they saw me go through my divorce has resulted in them respecting me even more.
I’m pretty open to them about my frailties and shortcomings…but that my love for them is never in question.
I’d say it is a more enriching relationship. Real is better than Potemkin villages.
The first thought that came to my mind is to say a bit of what you said here. That is “your list is generally spot on.” I have found my kids really open up to me more when I am bluntly honest with them about my shortcomings (which they probably already know). I too want my kids to know their “real” Father not the statue on the pedestal. My only suggestion is to tell them when they are “age appropriate”.
Everything in moderation, over time.
My children know that I consider myself an amateur parent. I attempt to achieve excellence .. But I am still learning. I like to think they see that as permission to make mistakes in life. No matter how hard we try, we all fail sometimes. I consider that a really important lesson: the concept that a successful life includes failures. The church talks about repentance, but sometimes the focus is too heavily focused on getting everything right the first time. Our church leaders are too often portrayed as infallible. IMO, the pedestals need to be a little shorter .. Less injuries for leader and bystanders when the pedestal crumbles.
Luckily, my kids still know I belong on a pedestal. 
My comments follow other people’s comments. Being on a pedestal and falling from the pedestal is an inevitable part of growing up. Placing someoneon a pedestal is a part of learning and growing, I’d consider myself fortunate to ever have been on my child’s pedestal. Falling from a pedestal is also a part of growing up. That’s when we begin to stake out our independence, to find our own voice. Like others have mentioned, I’ve found that later in life I can look back and see how my parent remained “pedestal worthy” even when I was in the very throws of attempting to dethrone the king. Sure they still had faults, none of us are immune from that, but I look back and recognize that they were doing the best they could with what they had to work with and they did it admirably. I could see evidence of an ever present love as I was undergoing my turbulent changes.
Fall off the pedestal with grace, remain unmoving and unwavering in your love. They’ll eventually gain the perspective that helps them recognize that you loved them all along and I believe it’s love, not lack of defects, that puts us on a pedestal.
nibbler wrote:Fall off the pedestal with grace, remain unmoving and unwavering in your love. They’ll eventually gain the perspective that helps them recognize that you loved them all along and I believe it’s love, not lack of defects, that puts us on a pedestal.
I have the following quote attributed to Mark Twain to be quite accurate:
Quote:When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.
😆 Good old Mark Twain.
Twain makes a good point. If they put you on a pedestal, or tell you you’ve fallen off, or whatever they say…it really is a manifestation of them and what they are seeing. Best as a parent to be consistent, and let them work through their changing views, and not worry too much when it does change. They’ll figure it out.
Falling off this pedestal really hurt. It was a long fall for me. Still not over it. The comments here help. I felt angry at first as it was sort of a key part of the relationship– at least, a major part of it to me. To be told your advice may not matter anymore, is tough to swallow. I am taking comfort in knowing that my children will fall of their own, eventual parental pedestals at some point in the future. And that at least one of my children see the weaknesses clearly. Hopefully that means I won’t be accountable for passing on the defects in my character to the next generation in this respect.
Perhaps it is preparing you now for handling future relationship bumps that may come. I think the best thing to do is to know how to keep the relationship going and never give up on the loving and long term goal…even if it changes as it goes.
Sorry it has been hard on you SD. Hang in there.
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