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My family is having a cross-generational crisis, which is embroiled in a crisis of faith. Background: when my wife and I discovered she was pregnant, we were struggling financially. At that time, my mother was unemployed and unsuccessful in finding employment, so she moved in with us so that we could alleviate our mutual financial burden. At the time, my wife was on good terms with my mother, and she liked the idea, although I was hesitant, because I know my wife has difficulty dealing with people who get very emotional, which my mother does (and which I do from time to time too, although by my wife’s admission, I do better at). We prayed about it and feel we received a positive response, but once we moved in, personality conflicts erupted between my wife and my mother, leading to a very stressful pregnancy for my wife.
My mother has since found a job here, but my efforts to improve income between me and my wife has failed. Still, my wife is very anxious to have another child, but at the same time, doesn’t want to endure a stressful pregnancy due to further conflicts with my mother. We tried to find an apartment that fits our price range, but can’t find something that will not cause intolerable stress in some other way (i.e. a studio apartment. We even tried to buy a house, since it appears that mortgage payments would be less than rent payments that we would be paying for something comparable. It’s not because we feel we “deserve” it – just that we’re trying to take an intolerable situation and make it tolerable.
After a recent blow-up, we tried getting counsel from our bishop. But instead of helping, he decided to chastise my wife for her testimony being hurt by these incidents, to chastise me for staying in a job for four years, even though it was a job that took me four years and a series of painful, emotionally scarring interviews to get in the first place, and then to chastise both of us for not being willing to move into a studio apartment that we could afford, even though that would lead to sleep deprivation for me, my wife, and our son (my wife had that exact experience when visiting her mother in her studio apartment), and when I protested, he just reacted by saying, “Well, that’s life!” as if he was trying to imply that I have that “sense of entitlement” that it’s so in vogue to accuse people of having these days.
So now it’s bad enough that we’re basically trying to solve this problem on our own, be it the housing, or the income, but we can’t seem to get reliable answers to our prayers. We prayed about my mother moving in with us, and it turned out to be a disaster. We prayed about finding a place to live, and we can’t find one. We prayed about buying a house, and we got turned down for the mortgage. I even went to the church employment center to see about getting some training to go into a new career field, and the employment center person (also not helpful) just said, “Well, you can get this training, but the best you can hope for for an entry level position is $16 an hour” (I already make $16.75 doing what I am now.) My wife keeps asking me what we’re going to do about it, and it seems like no matter what I do, no matter what idea I come up with, no matter what I pray about, we try it, and it fails. She says this is causing her to lose her testimony, and she’s threatening to take our son and go back to Russia because it’s more important to her to be emotionally healthy than to stay with me. And I’m angry and losing my testimony because I feel like I’m doing everything I can to be a good husband and father, and even asking for God’s help, and it’s not working. It almost feels like this is all just some sick twisted game God’s playing to make sure we end up divorced to punish me for not wanting to be divorced in the first place as opposed to “submitting my will to his.” I wonder if he didn’t call that bishop specifically to call someone who would say nasty, hurtful things to me and my family.
Maybe I need to ask about each individual problem separately, but to be honest, it’s all colliding together so badly, and the thing I want more than anything is to save our marriage and family. I know the housing situation needs to be taken care of. I know our family’s income needs to improve. But right now, I need to save our marriage from self-destructing, and since all these things are interconnected, I don’t know where to start. And as I mentioned, prayer isn’t providing any direction. It’s just leading to one frustrating disappointment after another, and it seems to be doing more to accelerate the disintegration of our marriage than preventing it.
It is a difficult situation, and I don’t have any particularly wise advice. All I (or anyone) can do is try to imagine what it must be like and then try to guess what I would do. Of course as it only exists in my mind I will find it much easier to be courageous and determined. My thought is it may be helpful to not rely on God for anything except emotional support. I try to imagine wise heavenly parents that allow me to make my decisions based on my best judgment, and then allow me to learn the lessons that naturally come through living life.
I would aim for a stronger personal determination to make something positive happen – even if that thing is only a stronger self-belief that you can come out on top. I have had my share of struggles and I know how defeating and even impossible feeling they can be. I would start with my wife, expressing to her how she is everything in my life and I couldn’t bear to live without her. I would ask for her faith and support and together with a renewed effort we’ll wake up tomorrow on a new page to move forward with a new purpose and determination. I like to periodically re-focus where I’m headed, so I enjoy mapping out plans and changing little things about my daily routine, eating/exercise habits, or even furniture to remind me of my new vision. Generally speaking there is very little that can stay in the way of an extremely determined human being.
Other than that “I don’t know.” Life is difficult, that is a fact. Hang in there!
You cannot run faster than you have strength. These kinds of trials force us to go into survival mode…you must do what you must do…and letting go of expectations of how it should be hold us back from focusing on what needs to be done now…in this moment. It forces prioritization. It makes you start to look at what is MOST important to you.
Have faith you can work it out over time. But you may want to study some Buddhism (or check out Eckhart Tolle) to live in the NOW, and reduce stress about the past we cannot change or the future which is not yet written.
TragedianActor wrote:Maybe I need to ask about each individual problem separately, but to be honest, it’s all colliding together so badly, and the thing I want more than anything is to save our marriage and family.
This is smart thinking. I think this is telling you something. Try to keep the colliding feelings from preventing action.
You may only know this week what you will do…but work on those things first. Dig and dig and fight for what you want. Perhaps God is answering your prayers, but perhaps you are in too much pain right now to see it or know it. You are in survival mode.
Keep focusing on those things that are within your power. That is the most you can do…. I just wanted to say that I know that living in small quarters can add stress on the relationship. We have 2 small children and DW and I lived in a 2 bedroom mother in law cottage (800ish sq ft) for more than a year. It was trying on my wife, but it was difficult for me to understand how more space was worth the added rent. Eventually I came to realize that she didn’t just want something more for the sake of wanting more, the small size of the house really did cause her stress.
Your employment situation is difficult. I am also in the process of getting a degree through correspondence. I probably complete 2 or 3 courses per year due to competing demands on my time. I sometimes feel like the old tortoise “slow and steady.” But it will take me years and even then there is no guarantee of a better job. It sounds like you need something now.
You mentioned wanting to save your marriage and family – is there anything you can do today and frequently to make a difference there? Maybe give your spouse a massage, or babysit the kid so she can go out with friends, or take her out on a date, or set up time to listen to her and make a point to not talk very much but listen (whatever your wife seems to like the best). The income and housing situation is such a long hard road that if there isn’t some joy between now and then – it just becomes a long hard journey to slog through.
My hope for you is that you might be able to rekindle the unity with your wife, the “we’re in this together/always have each other’s back/us against the world” mentality. If you have that, then these other issues can be more manageable. This is easier said than done and may not even be entirely within your power – but since giving up is not an option, I would suggest focusing on this part.
You have been given great advice. May I suggest also that you wait to have another child until you are not in survival / crisis mode. The added pressure might be the last straw. Look into subsidies/ food stamps etc if you need to for the time being. Good luck!
Agreed — the child would be a mistake right now. My wife is always after me for another child but I personally know it could wreck our tittery marriage. So I hold out even thought it causes tension. If you marriage can stand that tension, I would put my foot down about that one. First off, before any advice or suggestions, the main thing I want to say is I am sorry about how hard this situation is for you. I really feel for you brother. I’ve been in situations like some you described at times, and it’s tough. Hang in there! We lived for a short while with my parents a couple years ago when I was laid off and in a job transition. It was a disaster. My parents are wonderful and nice, but it’s just being too close and was a constant reminder of our bad situation. Probably the lowest point I carry as a memory was when I was a Private in the Army many years ago. I had three small kids to support and an overwhelmed wife. I was gone a lot. I was selling my plasma twice a week to supplement our income and help buy diapers and formula … until one of my arms started bleeding one day because there was too much scar tissue built up. I had to stop. Anyway, I’ve been there. I’ve said those prayers too, been on my knees asking for miracles, searching my heart to know if I was worthy of help or guidance, searching my soul to see if I was asking for something unreasonable. All I wanted was to be able to support my family, which was what I thought God expected me to do as a father. It was a righteous request, right?
All I can say is what I learned from my personal life experience: Don’t wait for God to pull you out of that hole.
Maybe he will. Maybe he won’t. I don’t know why things happen the way they do, but don’t wait for the miracle. Make it happen: Look around. Assess the situation. Be realistic about your resources and needs. And most of all dig in for a fight! You are going to have to fight your way out of this. Count your ammo. Sharpen your blade. Lock and load. Come out fighting. The world is particularly tough right now economically. It’s a battle out there.
I’m not saying there’s no such thing as miracles. We should be thankful when they happen. But don’t make plans dependent on miracles or divine intervention. I love God and all that, but God doesn’t have a very good track record of delivering on schedule and within budget on MY projects
Practical advice, responding to some of the details you mentioned:
1. Buying a house.
This is a bad idea in your situation. A mortgage might be the same or a little less than rent, but you have to factor in taxes, insurance, maintenance and repairs. Repair costs can be devastating if you are already financially strapped. Roof repairs, plumbing problems, HVAC goes out, etc. Those can be thousands of dollars if (when!) they happen. It’s better to rent until you are financially stable and have some savings as a cushion.
2. Living with parents.
This is never a good idea unless you absolutely have to for survival. It rarely if ever works well, especially with a mother (or mother-in-law) and a wife sharing the same roof.
3. Don’t have any more children until your situation drastically improves.
We had six. We had those spiritual promptings and answers to prayers that another heavenly spirit wanted to come down to be with our family. I love all my children dearly. But I will be blunt: God doesn’t pay his child support on time, if ever! No loaf of bread came with each child. This has been a major major MAJOR factor in my dear wife ending up at her wits end, and also leaving the Church. It has always put enormous stress on our marriage.
4. Hardest task of all: the budget
You have to spend less than you bring in. Do whatever it takes to make that situation happen. This is where the tough fight takes place. You have to be brutally realistic and honest with yourselves. You may wish it were different. You might hope for a miracle. It isn’t fair. It sucks. But that. is. reality. Do you have to live in a studio apt for a while? Yup. Might have to do that. Take a bus to work instead of having an extra car? Maybe. You get the idea.
This is a fight for survival. There’s probably no reinforcements coming or close air support on the way. Dig in for the fight.
Like my wife’s dearly departed, charming, rural, Tennessee mountain grandma used to say: You can wish in one hand and pee in the other … see which one gets full first.
I know you can make it. It is what it is. God will be there for you spiritually. Have faith in yourself, first! God’s OK with that.
5. Don’t depend on church leaders for the answers.
Go to your bishop if you need church assistance. Go to them for life advice *IF* you think they have some special knowledge or skills from their own life that might be helpful. There’s a good chance they are just as clueless as you though about anything in life. Ignore them if they aren’t helpful. Sorry. It’s a crap shoot with local leaders. They are just normal people with their own problems to sort out. Most are very nice and sincere, but also overwhelmed supporting their own families while putting in an extra 40+ hours a week managing a 600 person congregation. They try to help the best they can. But they’re just normal people, generally stretched too thin, with almost no formal training.
Hang in there brother! It’s a jungle out there. You are smart enough to figure all this out. It will be messy. It always is. It will be tough at times. Keep the longer view in mind. Chip away at it slowly. Be realistic about what you have vs. your burdens.
Happiness and peace has FAR more to do with managing our expectations than depending on the results.
And that’s why I always read Brian’s posts in detail… SilentDawning wrote:And that’s why I always read Brian’s posts in detail…
His are words to live by for any of us!Excellent response from Brian – spot on! I only would add that you & your wife need to get on this together if you want your marriage and family to survive these stresses. This problem belongs to you both to solve.
I think Mr. Johnston gave some great advice. I think his 5 points are really on the money. Personally, I wouldn’t want to have another kid right now if the marriage seems shaky. I felt really sad for you when I read that your wife is threatening to take your kid to Russia. That would freak me out! I know you mentioned that money is tight right now, but I might explore your options in stopping your wife from fleeing to Russia with your kid. I wish you and your family the best of luck!
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