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This is personal but I’m sure other people have had to deal with things like this. DH asked if it was ok if he talked to his Father about some of my problems. I said yes , honestly b/c I think I am reaching an ” I don’t care anymore” stage.
So, he did. FIL told MIL and MIL called me.
In short she said .. “The Church is true” .. “The people are not perfect The Church is” .. ” You know.. Polygamy was started b/c there were more women than men” , “We need to realize our life is short and we need to focus on the temple”. I held back , said a lott of “Yeahs” and “Rights”. I didn’t want to talk about it!
I don’t want to get other people down. I don’t have nice ( WELL orthodox ) things to say , So really why say anything at all?
I am starting to really wish I could take back telling DH it was ok to tell his parents. I know he needs someone to talk to. FIL is a convert and can, “of course” get past everything and still have a testimony…. So obviously if he can do it anyone can?! Right? …. DH says I only want to talk to people that think like me … That is wrong I want to disscuss things with anyone BUT I don’t want to start arguments, I don’t want to seem “Anti” and I don’t want them to tell me I must be doing something wrong .. OR that I need to just follow ALL orders regardless of how I feel.
I don’t want to talk to them about anything! Is that normal?
😥 I don’t have any answers. Just a (((hug))). I’ve only talked to DH about it. I don’t tell him too much upsetting stuff. Just talk about some issues that I find. I have educated him to my side on a couple things and he actually doesn’t really want to go to the temple right now.
He might have said a few things to my mom, but she hasn’t mentioned it. Thanks goodness!
Like you, I don’t want to rock anyone’s world with what I have learned. I don’t want people trying to reprogram me either.
I’m sorry you’re having a rough time!
Sorry to hear the situation is so tough. My impression is they really care or they wouldn’t bother to call and talk. They just may not understand where you are.
I can relate very well to this incident. My struggle really rocked my wife’s world (not because she is that much different than me now, but because she was shocked to hear it from me (having been a TBM my whole life)), and I told her she could tell her mom and no one else. Fortunately, MIL didn’t tell anyone else (at least not that I know of). But immediately MIL sent me letters, and then more letters, and then talks about Satan, free agency, and being on the “Lord’s side.” 🙄 Initially it was very hard for me and I wouldn’t even read the letters. But then, some things happened, and I had a 2nd conversion as it were (don’t read into that statement too much). I sent her back an email with a very considerate, loving reply, and haven’t heard from her since. You can read about it here
http://www.staylds.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=296http://www.staylds.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=296” class=”bbcode_url”> It will probably be hard for you until you can get past the message and see the individual. When I could finally do this, things got better. Now I try to do that everywhere.
I just want to echo what Heber13 said: I know it’s hard to not be understood, but it’s worse to have nobody care. Try to remember that.
LaLaLove, I started my blog as an outlet to express myself, because of frustrations with expressing myself in church and family. I’ve come across way more people who sympathize with me than don’t, and I’ve made some great internet buddies. The result is that I don’t feel the need to talk to my family any more, because I have a safe outlet where I feel understood, and supported. I still love my family, but I am so much more secure with all the things that bother me that I really don’t feel the need to bring them up at church or with family. I’m happier, and they don’t seem to worry about me any more. I still go to church, but luckily I hang out in the clerk’s office instead of Sunday School now.
Thanks for all of the WOW. I wish I could just let it all out ONLY on the internet! But I can’t! .. I have to talk about my most secret/questioning/doubting/angry/sad .. ideas and thoughts with my DH, my BFF. I CAN do without letting anyone else know – It really is none of their business anyway. BUT if it is DH’S business and The In-laws happen to be his business .. Well ! I guess then they can talk ( murmur LaLaLove,
I started my blog as an outlet to express myself, because of frustrations with expressing myself in church and family. I’ve come across way more people who sympathize with me than don’t, and I’ve made some great internet buddies. The result is that I don’t feel the need to talk to my family any more, because I have a safe outlet where I feel understood, and supported. I still love my family, but I am so much more secure with all the things that bother me that I really don’t feel the need to bring them up at church or with family. I’m happier, and they don’t seem to worry about me any more. I still go to church, but luckily I hang out in the clerk’s office instead of Sunday School now.
I will have to check it out. I would totally do it .. If I were more interesting – And had some solid theories – My Mind and its theories/ideas/dreams are like the Sand on the Beach … None of them match … They change position constantly with the wind … They seem pretty, but close up they are jagged pieces of glass .. They dig their way into my skin ( in the worst places ) … I could go on and on .. But basically I don’t know what I think about anything anymore.
If this works better than a blog for you, then by all means keep doing what works. I don’t believe you need to have “solid theories” to blog. Sometimes I use my blog to vent about things that bug me. You don’t always have to be academic like I am. While I like interaction with others, sometimes it is just a place to vent. hi Lala, Sorry I am coming to this so late, I have been very sporadic lately about coming onto the forum. I really feel for your situation, and can certainly relate to it. I desperately wanted to share all my thoughts and feelings with my TBM DH, and was so troubled/frustrated when he would get upset by what I was saying. I ended up backing off, and turned to this forum to vent and express my thoughts (thank you to all of you who have put up with my rants). I love my DH dearly, and he is my best friend, but a couple of people on this forum helped me to see that my wanting to get him to see/understand my perspective on the church was not really of any benefit to him. Was I trying to get him to think like me? Did I want him to have a crisis of faith so we would end up on the same page? I realized that I wouldn’t want to bring that about for anyone, and if he decided to walk down that path it wouldn’t be as a result of my coercion. (I am not saying that this is what you are trying to do with your DH, this is just how I was able to take a step back from discussing difficult topics with mine – I am not trying to finger-point here!)
Anyway, the result from backing off was remarkable and not at all what I predicted. Within a couple of weeks my DH was asking me questions, and was much more comfortable with my opinions as I shared them. We are closer than ever now (emotionally and physically), even though it is clear that we do not think alike where the church is concerned. I am not trying to pressure him to come around to my way of thinking, and he seems ok for now with my being a secular or liberal mormon. He seemed visibly relieved when I told him that I valued our marriage above all else – that my feelings for the church in no way mirrored my feelings for him. Maybe your DH needs this same reassurance?
Well, now I am rambling on, and my original goal was to try to write something that would be helpful to you. I think it is a shame that your inlaws are involved… that would be a first-class nightmare in my situation, but I am a very private person. I would try to keep things between you and your husband in the future. Try to agree to disagree about difficult topics. You need to respect each other first and foremost, go slowly, and avoid heated debates for now.
I agree with the advice of others that this forum can be a great outlet. Plus, we certainly don’t all think alike here, so you can get various different views on a single topic.
Also, do you have any non-member friends? Two of my very closest friends are non-members, and they are wonderful non-biased listeners.
A final thought is that it seems as though you are surrounded by people who love you and care about you…
that is a good thing any way you look at it.
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