Family members overstepping bounds

[Anonymous]

Hey folks,

Haven’t posted in awhile, but I have been really busy with trying to find true happiness in my life…and it’s working. The relationship I have with my wife is much improved since we have both realized and/or accepted that it simply will not work anymore. We are communicating and making plans for the future. The divorce is on hold for awhile because I simply refuse to leave my wife without health insurance, and I really don’t care if people agree with me or not, but it’s a decision that I made, and I feel good about it. It doesn’t mean there is any chance of the marriage being put back together though – I just still care about her and refuse to abandon her completely.

Anyway, now that the word of our impending divorce has gotten around to family and friends, it has been a lot easier for me to just be who I am and not worry about what others think too much. However, my parents did something that has caused me a ton of stress and anger, and I don’t know how to get over it. So…maybe some of you might be able to help.

Just a few days before I turned 14, my very best friend in the world was killed in a farming accident in my hometown. We had been very close, and had just spent a week at a scout camp and had just returned the evening before he was killed. His Mother had been my Scout leader, primary/Sunday School teacher, and confidant for a number of years. In some ways I looked to her to fill the void that I had in my relationship with my own Mother. I knew she was fond of me and, in fact, at the funeral, she told me that she now considered me to be her son as well.

That was in June of 1982. and she and I tried to stay in touch over the years, but I have not heard from her in well over 10 years. However, just this week I got a letter from her, that she was obviously “inspired” to write by my parents. (They all still live in my hometown). The letter she wrote me was very cordial and friendly for the most part, but became very direct and almost irritating to me when she started telling me that her son would never approve of my getting divorced. She went on to say that divorce is never an option in the eternal scheme of things, and that if I truly loved her and her son that I would stay married no matter what . There is no way in the world she would have any idea that I was planning on getting a divorce without my parents having discussed this with her. I realize that she and my parents are friends and I have no problem with them sharing concerns, but I do have a problem with the nature and tone of the letter itself.

I know her well enough to know that she did not come up with it all on her own – my parents were obviously involved in helping her know what to say. I’m sure they are simply trying to keep my marriage together, but it makes things way more difficult for me. The difficulty is not because I now have to decide whether or not to stay married – that decision has been long made and will not be changing for a number of reasons, but I do struggle with the following:

1) I don’t like people speaking for dead people in an effort to guilt me into doing something. I have no idea how my friend would react, but if he knew everything that has been going on in my life, I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t suggest staying together, but like I said, I just don’t know.

2) It is not going to be easy to disappoint this woman of which I am so very fond. Ending my marriage will hurt her deeply, but that would be the least of her worries if she knew the entire story about why it’s over.

3) My parents, to whom I speak maybe once per year, should not be using their friendship with other people to try to change my mind since they no longer have any power over me and all of their own efforts have only served to make things worse. It really disappoints me that they continue to try in vain. My life will never be what they want it to, and I think they need to work to accept it.

4) the people in my hometown do not need to have any more reason to dislike me and I am pretty sure this will cause heartache and stress for a number of people. My parents are SUPREMELY popular there and the thought that they might be anything short of perfect would devastate many people in that community. Having a divorced (and worse) son would truly not be a good thing for them to deal with.

5) And finally, I was really upset at my parents before this, and now I have evenless desire than i did before to have anything to do with them. They, and all of my siblings have been talking about how they can save me and bring me back to the fold. The rumors and gossip that they have been spreading about me, while pretty juicy and fun to discuss, are not nearly as juicy as the truth of what I have been going through, and this makes it even worse for me to ever consider telling them where I’m at in life. I suppose if they asked, I might tell them, but as of now I have no plans to ever do so.

Anyway, I know families can be the biggest source of love, as well as the biggest source of pain, in our lives, but things like this do not help the situation and I don’t know how to handle it from here. I tried to write this lovely woman a letter back explaining some of the reasons behind my divorce, but if my parents don’t know the truth, and I don’t want them to know, how can I tell her when I know she will confide in them as well…even if I ask her not to. Anyway, any advice you may have to share will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance,

Wendell

[Anonymous]

Boundaries, or the lack of them, among LDS people… Sorry you had to receive such a telling letter, Wendell.

I would write back (briefly), and thank her for her concern. Suggest that you can’t imagine what her dear son would think of your present situation, but that somehow you feel if he were living, he would still be a unconditional friend. Then immediately go into the Mother’s Day event, remembering the attributes of her son, and what his friendship meant to you. Perhaps share a few old memories of good times past. End your short note by thanking her for bringing his name to your psyche again, that though he has become dust, he lives in the memories of loved ones and friends.

You have moved the conversation away from a boundary which isn’t any of her business, and reminded her of the day we celebrate tomorrow, with it’s call for unconditional love.

[Anonymous]

Well said, george.

I know people who constantly shares stuff with people who have no right to know that stuff. The hard part is that these people do it out of a real sense of love and concern – from sincere hearts. They just don’t get it when it comes to privacy and respecting boundaries.

Some are LDS. Some aren’t. The worst offenders I know, regardless of religious affiliation, share the most inappropriate information within their families – and the very worst offenders are parents. It’s like they think that just because they’ve wiped poop off your butt, anything is fair game.

So, what george said. Change the conversation and be the more charitable person.

[Anonymous]

That’s crazy wendell because this week I had a very similar experience with my in-laws. Of course, my DW would be the one in your shoes since they’re her parents (and they’ve pretty much disowned me at this point for resigning from the church).

I will say that in my DW’s case, her parents continuous trampling of boundaries essentially boils down to a lack of open and honest communication. There are a lot of things that my DW has not shared with her parents, mostly because she doesn’t trust that they will be able to handle it in a respectful way. Of course, then when things happen, like this week, the floodgates open again and they’re all back at square one.

I’m definitely not implying that you should do this but my DW and I have decided that we’re going to just have to rip the bandage off. There’s no point in having these massive blow-ups every six to twelve months, smooth them out and then go on pretending that everything’s exactly like everyone wants it to be.

Also, to Ray’s point, I’m sure they have the best intentions at a conscious level but, based on what you’ve said and based on the experience with my in-laws, the concern is actually much more about their own image than it is about my “salvation”. My in-laws will say the right things to defend their position but there’s so many holes in their logic that it becomes oh-so-obvious that that is just a cover for the true feelings/intentions, which is to save their own image, both self-image and the image they project to their close friends and family members.

I’m a big believer in the concept of there being a season for everything. And for us, the season of finally and completely removing ourselves from her family’s system has arrived. This doesn’t mean that we don’t have to have a relationship. It simply means that the future of our relationship will be built on respect, trust, honesty, and open communication. And, of course, appropriate boundaries as these relationships evolve. Based on where we are today (after a troubling phone conversation) this relationship re-building process will take years, possibly decades. Scary and exciting all at the same time.

I too, would love to hear what others have to say about this since I’m still processing in my own mind how we’re going to proceed with my in-laws.

[Anonymous]

wendell wrote:

The letter she wrote me was very cordial and friendly for the most part, but became very direct and almost irritating to me when she started telling me that her son would never approve of my getting divorced. She went on to say that divorce is never an option in the eternal scheme of things, and that if I truly loved her and her son that I would stay married no matter what . There is no way in the world she would have any idea that I was planning on getting a divorce without my parents having discussed this with her.

Sorry to hear about this. It must be hard worrying about what others think or what they are saying about you. That is a burden to carry.

It seems you have worked through so much, and arrived at a place where you feel comfortable about the direction you are going, and your future looks bright, as far as you seeing yourself moving in the right direction. You are responsibly doing this to protect your wife and kids (health insurance, etc). All of that should feel good about the choices you are making.

In some ways, it reminds me (just a smidge) about my situation with faith, because during my crisis time, family and my wife really heard me say things and I know they were talking about me when I wasn’t around. The things they did and said to me made me feel I knew they were talking about me, and even if it is like Ray said and it was done out of concern, I still felt they were judging me and I didn’t like that.

Now I feel I have worked through a lot of faith issues and internally I feel more at peace with the direction I’m going…kind of like you feel in your situation.

But I know my wife and my family and my bishop don’t all of a sudden see things the way I do now…or they wouldn’t be worried anymore. They still can only see me for how they perceive me on the outside (not going to church as much or praying or going to the temple, etc), and they know the things in the past we’ve talked about. They don’t know internally where I’m at now or all the reading and effort I’ve put into my struggle. I can’t really blame them for that, it was a personal journey.

I think it takes time and patience and consistent love to show them that things are ok. In your situation, I think you can let some of those words in the letter or the actions you see, and let that go…replace it with love and kindness. Really try to realize they wouldn’t take time to write a letter or talk if they didn’t care about you. And for things to be said like your friend who died would never approve of it…well, that is her opinion, not yours. Me as an outsider, I can’t imagine that is true, but regardless of what anyone else (living or dead) might think…you are in a better place moving in a better direction, and if people don’t see that now, they will see it in a few years. It is hard for them to worry about me when I’m so much happier than I was and that I can show them that I sincerely love them…it is much easier for them to worry about me when I strike back with words of anger…which just perpetuates their perception that I’m lost or not moving in a good direction.

I guess if that resonates with you at all, I would hope that you understand how I’m living now is a place of greater peace, but I still realize others don’t know me inside…they can’t until I am close enough and open up enough that they have the time to really see me and know my heart. And I try to be patient to not rush that, but always take responsibility that every action I show should be characterizing myself as a happy, peaceful, spiritual person…because I want them to know that part of me inside does exist. And for all their good intentions…I thank them for their opinions and worries, but ultimately I feel good about the path I’m on.

You can choose to carry the burden of worrying about what people think of you, or you can choose to put that down. I have found that God can help me by taking that burden away and replacing it with love for them when I build on positive things in my relationships with others, and give little heed to the dissenting opinions.

[Anonymous]

Wow! What a sad situation…but very real and common (unfortunately). I have so many thoughts about this, but want to say first I LOVE what the others have said so far! George — absolutely genius! I almost don’t want to say anything that might detract from his wisdom…absolutely perfect, IMO.

Swim, I’m sorry to hear of your issue too. I find so much connection with my family…I am really quite lucky that despite our vast differences in beliefs, we really get along quite well today.

Wendell my friend, I hurt with you. I understand the circumstances, but it still hurts. I’m going to be direct about a few things, and hope I won’t offend some here. You were raised being told you were broken (in fact, weren’t most of us???). You had feelings that you weren’t supposed to have…and for most of your life you were told, and to an extent, you believed, you were not worthy. It seems you are making great strides towards healing from that most damaging attitude…and of course, I applaud you for it.

But the healing process takes time and work. Just when you think you are almost well, something like this comes along and reminds you that you still have anger, and anger is a projection of self. An angry person is one who is unhappy about something in his/her life, and is projecting that blame outwards. I think it helps to understand that when it comes to issues like these.

Yes, particularly in the smaller, old Mormon towns, the codependency is thriving. People constantly gossip, judge, quibble and are quick to give their perfect advice about how YOU should think, believe, and behave. If YOU don’t meet these expectations, THEY are disappointed. That really defines codependency. Of course it’s not unique to Mormonism…many of us old guys remember Gladys Kravitz on Bewitched?! I don’t think she was LDS…. 😆 I think it becomes a form of entertainment in the small towns…not much else to do!

So I think one gauge of improved emotional health is when people do mean, bigoted things…and we can let it run off “the duck’s back,” understanding they are doing what they have always done, maybe the best they will ever do…and you not expect anything different from them. In AA they call that “acceptance,” and it’s a critical principle to getting “sober.”

I think I’ve probably said this ad nauseum here, but when I start to feel a bit angry or depressed, I can always look at two simple concepts that I’m not living as well as I need to be to be peaceful — owning my life 100% (nobody else has anything to do with what happens in my life, it’s all me…), and having no expectations of others. I really believe these, and when living them, it is impossible to be unhappy.

Good luck my friend…and let’s keep working on the “personal worthiness” piece!

[Anonymous]

George wrote:

Boundaries, or the lack of them, among LDS people… Sorry you had to receive such a telling letter, Wendell.

I would write back (briefly), and thank her for her concern. Suggest that you can’t imagine what her dear son would think of your present situation, but that somehow you feel if he were living, he would still be a unconditional friend. Then immediately go into the Mother’s Day event, remembering the attributes of her son, and what his friendship meant to you. Perhaps share a few old memories of good times past. End your short note by thanking her for bringing his name to your psyche again, that though he has become dust, he lives in the memories of loved ones and friends.

You have moved the conversation away from a boundary which isn’t any of her business, and reminded her of the day we celebrate tomorrow, with it’s call for unconditional love.

What an incredible idea. I will do exactly that tonight! I appreciate the idea so much. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Wendell

[Anonymous]

Rix wrote:

Wendell my friend, I hurt with you. I understand the circumstances, but it still hurts. I’m going to be direct about a few things, and hope I won’t offend some here. You were raised being told you were broken (in fact, weren’t most of us???). You had feelings that you weren’t supposed to have…and for most of your life you were told, and to an extent, you believed, you were not worthy. It seems you are making great strides towards healing from that most damaging attitude…and of course, I applaud you for it.

Good luck my friend…and let’s keep working on the “personal worthiness” piece!

That is exactly what I am trying to do – keep working on the “personal worthiness” piece of life. It is actually getting a lot easier by the day. I’m sure it will continue to improve.

[Anonymous]

Thank you all so much for your “words of wisdom” (can I say that?). Coming here is one of the highlights of my life, and getting such genuine and caring responses is a great thing. I must say that I get energized to keep going on from some of the encouragement I get from all the wonderful caring folks on this board. It’s really a good thing to share a little of our journeys through life together…even anonymously for the most part. Anyway, thanks so much for everthing.

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