Feeling I Can’t Go On

[Anonymous]

I am feeling that I can’t go on like this much longer. I am so preoccupied with this “faith crisis” (I put that in quotations because I’m not sure what to call it) and my family is suffering for it. It’s negatively affecting my work and leisure time. I need some peace.

I recently listened to the “John Dehlin and Faith Reconstruction” podcast (which was actually the very first podcast I ever listened to) and it made me more cognizant of my situation. Maybe I feel some of what like John must have felt during the time of which he said “I was emotionally detached from my wife and kids. I was playing the role; I was doing my duty as a husband and a father, but I was checked out emotionally and I was checked out spiritually.”

I don’t want to do this anymore. John said “I’ve been in a dark place in my soul for probably 20 years.” I definitely don’t want this to go on for that long!

But can I just make it stop? I don’t think so. I have learned that I can take a break from it, though. But then I think I can’t leave any rock unturned because I will be haunted in the future if I don’t deal with it all now.

I want to tell my wife, but I am afraid. That sucks, I guess. Last summer did open up a bit to her and said “With all the stuff Brigham Young said, there is no way he could have been a prophet. And the Church changes according to the trends of the world – it is just 20 or so years behind. Why can’t the Gospel be simpler? Why does all that crap get in the way?” I voiced some other concerns (I can’t’ really remember it all), and she was upset and crying. She thought I was looking for a way out of the church. She doesn’t get it, which is odd because she has learned a lot of historical issues.

I will leave this without tying up loose ends because that is where I am in life.

[Anonymous]

Okay, I’m going to flip this round.

What do you like and agree with in the church?

[Anonymous]

I like a lot about the church. I am not saying I can’t go on in the church. I am saying I can’t keep going in this faith crisis. I’m sorry for not not being very clear 🙂

[Anonymous]

Well, Shawn, I truly feel for you. Even after having my faith reconstruction, I’m still trying to figure things out. Even with the simple teachings of faith, repentance, baptism, and the Holy Ghost, we all realize there are many things we just don’t know about with those things. And although when we learn as we know more about those things, we realize there are more things we don’t know about them. For instance, I used think that General Conference talks and Ensign articles were considered Mormon doctrine. They’re not. They’re general counsel. What’s in our standard works is Mormon doctrine. What’s in General Conference and the Ensign is to help us live the doctrine. Well, anyway, I will pray for you and your family. As I mentioned before, I’m still trying to figure things out. I don’t think that’ll ever end. I have faith you will get through it.

[Anonymous]

Shawn wrote:

I like a lot about the church. I am not saying I can’t go on in the church. I am saying I can’t keep going in this faith crisis. I’m sorry for not not being very clear 🙂

That’s okay, I understood that. Personally, I’ve used that technique, i.e. go back to what I like. Not only does it help me steer around what I have trouble with, it reminds me why I stay. Some of the bad stuff becomes irrelevant.

I don’t think we discuss BY enough here. I don’t see him as prophet like JS, I see him as an organizer, a leader, a politician, things that JS failed at sometimes. He made some dreadful choices, we know that, but he also helped the church stabilize and survive. He created an entire state, rather than a BOM.

I understand your frustration, you’ve reached an impasse. I’ve been there. Do you do anything artistic? Art and music can help, in very deep and unexplainable ways.

Anyway we’ll talk more later.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry you are having a hard time of it right now, I wish we could do more to help.

Shawn wrote:

Why can’t the Gospel be simpler? Why does all that crap get in the way?

At least “The Gospel” is a little simpler than the church, and it may help to focus on that for a while. I know it’s not easy, unfortunately life is just hard much of the time. I think the difficulty is why “life” fills its divine purpose, the hotter the fire the stronger the steel…

But no it is not easy, hang in there. Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

Shawn, I totally know what you mean. It’s so consuming and I feel so stuck in the middle. Sometimes my ‘middle way’ feels more ‘muddled way.’

Some weeks I’m flying and think it will be fine. Other weeks I crash and wonder how I’m going to keep seeing the positives.

I’ve no solutions for you. I agree with SamBee that focusing on the positives is a good coping mechanism. But it’s a circle that seems to be shrinking.

[Anonymous]

Shawn I too add my sympathy and empathy. This experience is a stunner to me. At times more of an avalanche. I really don’t have any direct suggestions, but I do find that if I find something else to immerse myself in, I get some relief. Sometimes it’s a new book. If I really like it I can get caught up in it and let the crisis have a rest. It allows me another topic to talk to people about that helps keep conversations off church stuff, too.

I’ve read your posts during happier times and I hope you find that Shawn soon.

Good luck – and I’m sorry. I totally get it.

[Anonymous]

Quote:

I’ve read your posts during happier times and I hope you find that Shawn soon.

Amen.

[Anonymous]

Ilovechrist77 wrote:

Well, Shawn, I truly feel for you. Even after having my faith reconstruction, I’m still trying to figure things out. Even with the simple teachings of faith, repentance, baptism, and the Holy Ghost, we all realize there are many things we just don’t know about with those things. And although when we learn as we know more about those things, we realize there are more things we don’t know about them….

Thanks for the support. When I said that stuff about Brother Brigham, my wife actually told me the Gospel is simple. Like you say, there is still much to learn about the basics, though.

[Anonymous]

SamBee wrote:

Shawn wrote:

I like a lot about the church. I am not saying I can’t go on in the church. I am saying I can’t keep going in this faith crisis. I’m sorry for not not being very clear 🙂

That’s okay, I understood that. Personally, I’ve used that technique, i.e. go back to what I like. Not only does it help me steer around what I have trouble with, it reminds me why I stay. Some of the bad stuff becomes irrelevant.

Oh, I see what you meant now. It is nice to think about what I like about the church. I can take a break from stewing, but then I will have to deal with it later. I think you are very right about some bad stuff becoming irrelevant. Some things are big issues only because I make them so.

SamBee wrote:

I don’t think we discuss BY enough here. I don’t see him as prophet like JS, I see him as an organizer, a leader, a politician, things that JS failed at sometimes. He made some dreadful choices, we know that, but he also helped the church stabilize and survive. He created an entire state, rather than a BOM.

I understand your frustration, you’ve reached an impasse. I’ve been there. Do you do anything artistic? Art and music can help, in very deep and unexplainable ways.

Anyway we’ll talk more later.

Good point about Brother Brigham. The sad thing is that 95% of what he said is awesome, but many tend to focus on the other 5%.

I have only recently become an avid reader. Three books have been great distractions: David Copperfield, Don Quixote, and Gulliver’s Travels. I am now toward the end of The Three Musketeers.

[Anonymous]

Orson wrote:

Shawn wrote:

Why can’t the Gospel be simpler? Why does all that crap get in the way?

At least “The Gospel” is a little simpler than the church, and it may help to focus on that for a while. I know it’s not easy, unfortunately life is just hard much of the time. I think the difficulty is why “life” fills its divine purpose, the hotter the fire the stronger the steel…

But no it is not easy, hang in there. Best wishes.

Thanks Orson. That’s what my wife said about the Gospel. You must be wise 😆

I would like to focus on the Gospel. I just feel driven to get the “stuff” out of the way and I want to do it as quickly as possible. I wonder if accelerating a crisis is possible.

[Anonymous]

mackay11 wrote:

Shawn, I totally know what you mean. It’s so consuming and I feel so stuck in the middle. Sometimes my ‘middle way’ feels more ‘muddled way.’

Some weeks I’m flying and think it will be fine. Other weeks I crash and wonder how I’m going to keep seeing the positives.

I’ve no solutions for you. I agree with SamBee that focusing on the positives is a good coping mechanism. But it’s a circle that seems to be shrinking.

Thanks for the comments. Though I am usually a pessimist, I actually believe there are many positives to see. I don’t think that circle is shrinking – I think it’s a matter of perspective, and I am working on my perspective.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for the multiple posts, but each of you deserves a separate response.

mom3 wrote:

…Sometimes it’s a new book. If I really like it I can get caught up in it and let the crisis have a rest. It allows me another topic to talk to people about that helps keep conversations off church stuff, too.

I’ve read your posts during happier times and I hope you find that Shawn soon.

Good luck – and I’m sorry. I totally get it.

Amen to good books.

Yes, I have happier times when I am not stewing about stuff. But then I sometimes become critical about some things said on this site, and I’m sorry for that. Thanks for your support.

Old-Timer wrote:

Quote:

I’ve read your posts during happier times and I hope you find that Shawn soon.

Amen.

Okay, this one-word post doesn’t deserve a separate response. JK. Thanks, Ray.

[Anonymous]

Shawn wrote:

Thanks for the comments. Though I am usually a pessimist, I actually believe there are many positives to see. I don’t think that circle is shrinking – I think it’s a matter of perspective, and I am working on my perspective.

[snip]

I would like to focus on the Gospel. I just feel driven to get the “stuff” out of the way and I want to do it as quickly as possible. I wonder if accelerating a crisis is possible.

Hi Shawn,

I have a couple of thoughts on this –

1) I agree that many things are a matter of perspective – but that is not the same thing as saying that we choose our perspective. For exampe, I would have a really hard time declaring that the grass is blue and believing it to be blue because my past experience tells me that it is green. I do believe that we can influence our perspective, but our ability to do so is limited and varies between individuals.

2) I think of the faith crisis process as similar to the steps of grief. You don’t get to just opt out. I know for me, in my process that I like to call “assumptive world collapse,” I felt like I was being propelled forward through the process. As though my psyche was reverting to some type of hardwired back-up programming that was rooted below the consiousness. I did have some choices along the way but my choices seemed to either help smooth the process or complicate the process – there was no excape hatch – it had to be lived through.

My hope for you is that you cut yourself (and others) some slack. Life is messy and there isn’t any way to “fix” it.

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