Feeling so lonely

[Anonymous]

Hi all,

I’ve been a lurker on here for a while but haven’t posted very much. I have an introduction thread, but here’s a quick background: I live on the most Mormon street in the most Mormon town in the most Mormon part of Utah. My husband and I are no longer literal believers but are trying to find a way to make church work for us because of extended family relationships, the sense of community, etc. It’s been a struggle and we are still trying to figure out exactly how much we should participate. Basically no one that we are around on a daily basis knows this–we both have some friends that we text with when we need support, but they are all out of state.

I have been feeling so lonely lately. I have a lot of people I consider friends in our neighborhood/ward, but it seems like in the last few years some of them have been more distant and are available less and less. My therapist says that I am so insecure with all the changes in my life that I am looking for changes in the way people treat me–maybe she’s right, I don’t know. I don’t think I’m unlikeable. I don’t know why I am suddenly questioning people I think of as friends. I think it’s partly because I am so afraid that if my friends knew how I really feel about church and many social/political issues, they wouldn’t like me anymore. It’s lonely because so few people know the real me. It’s such an isolating feeling. I almost want to come out to everyone just so I can see who would stick with me.

Sidenote, I think that I have a borderline unhealthy need for friends for a 31 year old woman. My therapist tries to help me work through those problems but it’s hard. Why do I care so much about if other people like me?

[Anonymous]

Utah is very Mormondom, but I have in-law relatives who have left the church and still reside there. You might consider checking out Sunstone or even FAIR. See if they have facebook groups. Many of those groups meet up at other times during the year besides the big summer events. I know there used to be Coffee Church at Thanksgiving point. I don’t know if it still exists.

Also – everyone wants friends. Everyone wants to be liked, included, and so on. I find it weird that a therapist thinks your desire for friends or what they think is a problem. Of all the people to understand I would think a therapist would get it.

Thanks for lurking and dropping by.

[Anonymous]

Hi, britta – I hope being here helps!

What’s the vibe in your family and friend circle? Are you assuming they would react a certain way, or do you observe them talking about people? Do you genuinely enjoy time spent with your family? Just trying to get a feel for things.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for actually posting. I hope doing so helps.

We all want – NEED – friends. We are social creatures. But there is a difference between living to please friends to try and like us and being comfortable that you are intrinsically a wonderful person.

Utah can be a pressure cooker, but there are many that have stepped out. I do think it would be good to try and make friends with some that have either left the church or have nuanced views.

I would suggest going to http://www.mormonspectrum.org/” class=”bbcode_url”>http://www.mormonspectrum.org/ and seeing where there is something close to you that sounds like what you need.

[Anonymous]

brittastheworst wrote:

I have been feeling so lonely lately. I have a lot of people I consider friends in our neighborhood/ward, but it seems like in the last few years some of them have been more distant and are available less and less. My therapist says that I am so insecure with all the changes in my life that I am looking for changes in the way people treat me–maybe she’s right, I don’t know. I don’t think I’m unlikeable. I don’t know why I am suddenly questioning people I think of as friends. I think it’s partly because I am so afraid that if my friends knew how I really feel about church and many social/political issues, they wouldn’t like me anymore. It’s lonely because so few people know the real me. It’s such an isolating feeling. I almost want to come out to everyone just so I can see who would stick with me.

I understand the feeling.

You know those stories we sometimes hear about the member that’s sitting in the break room at work and their coworkers start saying terrible things about Mormons, completely unaware that one person listening in on their conversation is Mormon? Sometimes those stories end in a confrontation of sorts; the member self-identifies, the coworkers feel a tinge of guilt, apologize, and everyone reconciles. Sometimes those stories end without the big reveal. I’m not a big reveal person, I’m a take it on the chin person. That’s not to say that the conversation had no effect, just that I didn’t speak up.

I don’t know whether those types of scenarios happen in the Mormon corridor but you hear about it happening out in the mission field all the time.

You know those stories we sometimes hear about the non-believing member that’s sitting in the hard plastic chairs in Sunday School at church and their ward members start saying terrible things about people who have left the church or people of other religions, completely unaware that one person listening in on their conversation doesn’t believe?

I’ve sat in on conversations like those many times during sacrament meetings, Sunday School, priesthood, PEC, you name it, the vast majority of the time as an orthodox believer. I think we fear rejection from friends and family because we’ve heard some of these othering conversations. We’re also aware of people that have been rejected by family and friends. It’s a very legitimate fear.

I’m not a big reveal person, I’m a take it on the chin person. Sometimes the effect of those conversations we have in church about the “theys” makes me feel lonely. They’re talking about me… or they are talking about the people that I love.

It’s a tough position to be in. I like the suggestions from everyone. If you’re in the heart of Mormonlandia I’m sure there are some meetup groups. Meeting in person, seeing others that are going through the same thing, can have a profound effect.

[Anonymous]

We’ll be your friends

I think you work to try to feel comfortable in your own skin and allow yourself to be different. It is easier said than done.

I try to separate out issues. Emotional issues and my faith in God have overlaps but can be viewed differently.

My faith is grounded in pleasing God, not pleasing people. But I do find it easier when I fit in and people accept me. It is not easy when we feel left out or different.

I hope you can find some peace and realize you are not the only ones that think and believe things the way you do.

And remember…you can’t please everyone and be all things to all people. You are who you are, and that is good enough.

[Anonymous]

I recommend trying to diversify your social circle. It doesn’t have to be all Mormon all the time. Are there any clubs or classes or groups or volunteer opportunities where you could get to know people outside of a faith context?

In my experience one good friend/confidant can be make a huge difference.

[Anonymous]

Hi Britta,

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I hope in some way we can help you sort through this trying time. The difference between who you really are, and how your friends percieve you… that would make anyone feel unbarably lonely. But if you tell your friends how you’re really feeling, you’re afraid they will reject you. That is an AWFUL situation to be in.

If you can muster the courage, I would recommend letting a few friends know. If they are true friends, they will love and support you all the same. That would really solve your greatest heartache, am I right? And if they reject you, they weren’t worth having as friends anyways. I can’t say for sure, but I am willing to bet some will stay and some will go. It’ll help you develop a stronger foundation, while clearing away the junk that is holding you down. It will bring you peace.

[Anonymous]

brittastheworst wrote:

Why do I care so much about if other people like me?

Human nature. We all feel it, maybe sometimes more than others, and in different degrees, but we can’t escape it.

I always try to turn the tables. I am as valuable a person as anyone else, what do I think of Them? Everyone is a little crazy. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Everyone will be annoyed at some little part of anyone else.

The truly strong rise above. They acknowledge these follies and realize that the being “bothered” by others is the weakness. Somebody may be popular, successful, good looking, smart, well spoken… etc. but if they demean and look down on others, or view them as “less than” for some reason, they are exposing their fatal weakness. It doesn’t matter how others may interact with them; what matters, the real personal character and power, is not determined by how others treat you – it is revealed by how you treat others.

[Anonymous]

I have a few suggestions — realize that I don’t know your skills and strengths and personality, so some of these might “miss”.

1. Go to meetup.com and try to find a group of people with common interests/hobbies etcetera. Join with them and have some fun sometime.

2. Try to do good in your secular community. If you like organizing things, put on some kind of a project/fundraiser — something that helps others, but do it independent of the church. Ask people you know to participate in your work, on your street, etcetera.

3. Invite people over for something you like to do — cook, BBQ, swim, whatever.

4. There has to be a lot of non-literal believers in Mormondom. If I knew of a way of connecting with them, I would suggest it. Just make sure they aren’t so negative about the church they discourage saying connected with the church in some way that fits your testimony and commitment.

5. Sign up on volunteermatch.com. You might find there is an organization that really needs the skills you have. You could make friends there but on different terms that you do in the church.

6. If you work outside the home, maybe there are people there who you could strike up friendships with. I had a really good friend for years and years until he was laid off. I woke up one day and realized I have a whole circle of non-member friends who are smart, likeable, kind, professional, and hardworking. And in ways I never experienced in the church itself.

Good luck — I hope you post here, share your own thoughts on the problems people bring to the table etcetera. Welcome! We are an open-minded bunch!

You asked about why we should care if other people like us….good question, I grapple with that one. I think part of it is that if people don’t like us, we think they won’t give us what we want when we need things. I have thought that way in the past, when I need volunteers or resources, or people to help me on different things. I have learned to be vanilla with people when it comes to liking me. Steer clear of politics, opinions, disagreeing with them on matters of style, or being over-opinionated. I try to give them what they want if I can. If they want to help me, I accept them doing it in a way that is not the way I would do it myself. Stuff like that. I will be firm on things that really matter, but I am finding that list of things is getting smaller and smaller, although ever-present. And be complementary (sincerely) whenever you can, and let whatever aspects of your personality are engaging come to the fore. Be sensitive and kind, yet firm, fair and friendly. But in the end, stop caring what they think. You don’t really know anyway. So, take comfort in being yourself.

My two cents, worth every penny you paid for it.

[Anonymous]

Check out Mormon Spectrum, they have a variety of different groups around the country with people who have been through or are going through what you are going through. Just FYI, I imagine some of the groups will be much more ex-Mormon/post-Mormon and so you may have to reach out to some of the group admins to get a feel for how the groups are. It’s been helpful where I am to spend time with other people who get your story.

(sorry not sure if that site is acceptable to reference here)

[Anonymous]

SunbeltRed wrote:

Check out Mormon Spectrum, they have a variety of different groups around the country with people who have been through or are going through what you are going through. Just FYI, I imagine some of the groups will be much more ex-Mormon/post-Mormon and so you may have to reach out to some of the group admins to get a feel for how the groups are. It’s been helpful where I am to spend time with other people who get your story.

(sorry not sure if that site is acceptable to reference here)

The site has been referenced here before, but thanks for pointing out that some sites linked there may be more antagonistic than others. Here is the link: http://www.mormonspectrum.org/” class=”bbcode_url”>http://www.mormonspectrum.org/

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