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They say God is in the void… “Be still and know that I am God.” “God is love.”
If our primary purpose is to learn to love, maybe there needs to be a lack of love to appreciate love, & to know how to love. If a cup is not empty, it cannot be filled. I believe that happiness is an inside job – that we can’t depend on others for it. Yet, we can’t help but be influenced by others. Others tend to mirror what we might not realize without them, by “pushing our buttons.”
Today, my feelings got hurt, once again.
Probably most of it is me… unresolved issues, feelings buried alive that never died.
They hit a sore spot.
I live in a little Mormon pioneer town, where everyone has known everyone for decades.
Besides us, only one other family on our block doesn’t fit this mold.
I often feel left out. They’ll get together, have BBQs, whatever.
I’ve invited women to do things, and once one came… but they don’t reciprocate.
It makes me want to hide out more & not associate with them either.
I don’t know if it’s us, or them – or both.
It just hurts to be left out. A lot of my pain & anger toward women has come from bad experiences with cliquish people in the church.
I really need to get over this.
Any thoughts?
Featherina, the first thought that came to my mind was to suggest you read the blog of a wonderful woman who was our former RS President. She has felt the same way and is heterodox but orthoprax like me – and it might help to read her blog and/or contact her. If you want to contact her, tell her I recommended it. Her blog is:
http://betchadidntknow.blogspot.com/ It sounds like a tough situation t be in, Featherina. I guess from my experience, I like to take Alma’s teachings in Alma 32 to heart, and plant some seeds and see what grows for you.
You could try again for a while to reach out to others, especially others that may not fit the mold and may feel like you, and see how it goes for a while.
If it is not growing, try something new, don’t reach out, and just withdraw, and see if things are better that way.
I don’t think there has to be one way, you just have to choose what seems to feel right for you and nourish that.
Sorry I don’t have a better answer, but since things never got reciprocated for me with my ward, I finally decided to stop trying, and found more peace spending time with my kids than worrying about connecting with my ward. It no longer bothers me.
Keep us posted. Wishing you well!
Featherina Sounds like the town I live in. It also sounds similar to the experiences my wife and I have had. One reason may be that the people in your ward and town have many social demands placed upon them by their families. Though my wife and I live near family members, we don’t get together with them very frequently…not because we don’t get along but because our interests are different. However, I am aware of some families where expectations of visiting, participating, and interacting are very high. So high that missing a birthday or baptism for ANY reason is simply unacceptable. A teenaged friend of my daughter’s had to practice for a scene in a play one Saturday and was scolded by his aunt for missing a family party. A friend of mine set up a private recital for her daughter one Sunday at the last minute and demanded (not invited) that family and friends be there (we were the friends in this case). Such demands from family can be very draining. I am all for strong family bonds but I see a weird sort of worship of the family bond in some families that pulls you away from other activities. Anyway, it is cold comfort but the rejection you have experienced may be nothing personal.
I would look for the disenfranchised and the people on the fringe. Reach out to them and make them your friends. Find new opportunities for friendship outside the Ward, or through community organizations not affiliated with the Church. Widen the net. I agree completely with SD. Mike from Milton.
Old-Timer wrote:Featherina, the first thought that came to my mind was to suggest you read the blog of a wonderful woman who was our former RS President. She has felt the same way and is heterodox but orthoprax like me – and it might help to read her blog and/or contact her. If you want to contact her, tell her I recommended it.
Her blog is:
http://betchadidntknow.blogspot.com/
Thanks, Ray.She does seem nice.
Maybe this is somewhat common in all small towns.
Heber13 wrote:It sounds like a tough situation t be in, Featherina.
I guess from my experience, I like to take Alma’s teachings in Alma 32 to heart, and plant some seeds and see what grows for you.
You could try again for a while to reach out to others, especially others that may not fit the mold and may feel like you, and see how it goes for a while.
If it is not growing, try something new, don’t reach out, and just withdraw, and see if things are better that way.
I don’t think there has to be one way, you just have to choose what seems to feel right for you and nourish that.
Sorry I don’t have a better answer, but since things never got reciprocated for me with my ward, I finally decided to stop trying, and found more peace spending time with my kids than worrying about connecting with my ward. It no longer bothers me.
Keep us posted. Wishing you well!
Heber,It’s good to know that I’m not the only one who’s felt like this. Thanks.
Maybe I should try again, with no expectations – just for the heck of it – when I feel like it.
I ran into a woman of the only other family around here, relatively new like us.
I had gone over to give her something & we had a good chat & told her we should get together again.
Her husband & my husband get a long too, so that’s another good thing.
Gerald wrote:Featherina
Sounds like the town I live in. It also sounds similar to the experiences my wife and I have had. One reason may be that the people in your ward and town have many social demands placed upon them by their families. Though my wife and I live near family members, we don’t get together with them very frequently…not because we don’t get along but because our interests are different. However, I am aware of some families where expectations of visiting, participating, and interacting are very high. So high that missing a birthday or baptism for ANY reason is simply unacceptable. A teenaged friend of my daughter’s had to practice for a scene in a play one Saturday and was scolded by his aunt for missing a family party. A friend of mine set up a private recital for her daughter one Sunday at the last minute and demanded (not invited) that family and friends be there (we were the friends in this case). Such demands from family can be very draining. I am all for strong family bonds but I see a weird sort of worship of the family bond in some families that pulls you away from other activities. Anyway, it is cold comfort but the rejection you have experienced may be nothing personal.
Good points, Gerald, thanks.I think that is often the case.
It seems like family obsession makes people not know how to be & make friends outside that circle.
SilentDawning wrote:I would look for the disenfranchised and the people on the fringe. Reach out to them and make them your friends. Find new opportunities for friendship outside the Ward, or through community organizations not affiliated with the Church. Widen the net.
Thanks SD & Mike.I have gotten involved with groups & classes. Sometimes the cliquish tendency finds its way in there too, especially when family members join together.
But I’ve always found some nice & friendly people too.
I guess I just feel so hurt, when I’m out gardening or something & there they are in their little circle talking, & don’t even say hi, unless I do.
I know it goes back to feeling left out as a kid… that’s why I overreact, or why it hurts me so much.
I was given the message that I wasn’t as good as others & I believed it over & over. Intellectually, I realize we are all of worth, just for being alive & that we are of conditional worth based on how much we live up to our unique potential. But emotionally, I’ve got some work to do before internalizing it.
SilentDawning wrote:I would look for the disenfranchised and the people on the fringe. Reach out to them and make them your friends. Find new opportunities for friendship outside the Ward, or through community organizations not affiliated with the Church. Widen the net.
+1
I’m afraid I don’t have much good advice here, Featherina, but I would suggest looking at activities outside church. There ought to be other groups. And if most of the town in Mormon, there’s a good chance you’ll meet people you go to church with, in a different context, and get to know them that way. If not, you’re still a member of the local book club, sky diving team or sewing circle etc, which means you’re not completely isolated! I’ve noticed people get to know others if their children get friendly with each other too.
I always try and keep a life outside church. It’s difficult sometimes, but you can fall back on one or the other, if things get bad in one sphere I suppose.
Featherina, I just wanted to add to the comments. This is tough and it seems to go on in so many places. One of my daughters called to tell me she cried the whole way home from her ward after church one day. She has tried to make connections, but as soon as she has a conversation going , someone else will walk up, interrupt and the woman she was talking to will walk off with the other person or they will stand there talking in front of her as if she isn’t there. I am going to say something I hope won’t be too offensive to others of our faith. I feel at times that there is a whole lot (maybe a majority even!) of LDS people that are very lacking in basic social skills. I have been trying to put my finger on why I see it show up so much in our settings and not as much in other settings I’ve been in during my life, including when I was of another faith. One thing I’ve pinpointed is callings and the social status a particular calling brings with it. Another is the financial status…many people of greater financial status seem to flock together and form a circle with each other shutting others out. Also, the whole stay at home mothers thing…they do spend a lot of time having a playgroup, etc. so maybe they just don’t realize how rude they can seem to the few working mothers in a particular ward. This is for wards with predominantly stay at home moms. My daughter, by the way, is very well liked outside of the church setting. She has developed strong friendships with people of other faiths but would still like to feel like she has friends in her own ward. And there is nothing wrong with having that desire! That is a good desire to have and one that I think is pleasing to our heavenly parents. Maybe we need a book written, “Socialization for LDS Dummies”! 
Ray, I enjoyed visiting your friend’s blog and really enjoyed her honesty!
SamBee wrote:I’m afraid I don’t have much good advice here, Featherina, but I would suggest looking at activities outside church. There ought to be other groups. And if most of the town in Mormon, there’s a good chance you’ll meet people you go to church with, in a different context, and get to know them that way. If not, you’re still a member of the local book club, sky diving team or sewing circle etc, which means you’re not completely isolated!
I’ve noticed people get to know others if their children get friendly with each other too.
I always try and keep a life outside church. It’s difficult sometimes, but you can fall back on one or the other, if things get bad in one sphere I suppose.
Good idea, Sam, thanks.I believe & have heard I live in the most Mormon of Mormon areas.
There are good aspects of it – I feel safe, physically. Probably the best unofficial neighborhood watch in the world!
😆 afterall wrote:Featherina, I just wanted to add to the comments. This is tough and it seems to go on in so many places. One of my daughters called to tell me she cried the whole way home from her ward after church one day. She has tried to make connections, but as soon as she has a conversation going , someone else will walk up, interrupt and the woman she was talking to will walk off with the other person or they will stand there talking in front of her as if she isn’t there. I am going to say something I hope won’t be too offensive to others of our faith. I feel at times that there is a whole lot (maybe a majority even!) of LDS people that are very lacking in basic social skills. I have been trying to put my finger on why I see it show up so much in our settings and not as much in other settings I’ve been in during my life, including when I was of another faith. One thing I’ve pinpointed is callings and the social status a particular calling brings with it. Another is the financial status…many people of greater financial status seem to flock together and form a circle with each other shutting others out. Also, the whole stay at home mothers thing…they do spend a lot of time having a playgroup, etc. so maybe they just don’t realize how rude they can seem to the few working mothers in a particular ward. This is for wards with predominantly stay at home moms. My daughter, by the way, is very well liked outside of the church setting. She has developed strong friendships with people of other faiths but would still like to feel like she has friends in her own ward. And there is nothing wrong with having that desire! That is a good desire to have and one that I think is pleasing to our heavenly parents. Maybe we need a book written, “Socialization for LDS Dummies”!
Ray, I enjoyed visiting your friend’s blog and really enjoyed her honesty!
Thanks, Afterall.I agree – I think there should be classes or a book about basic social manners.
My DH has told me to just say something if it bothers me, but when I have said something, I have been judged more & it seems to have made things worse. Of course, I’m not perfect. Sometimes, I’ve waited until I’m about to explode & it doesn’t come out so pretty.
In my experience, Mormons (esp. in UT) tend to stay close to their parents or others family. So they don’t get used to making & maintaining friendships. Those Mormons who have moved around a bit, in my experience, tend to be more friendly & socially polite.
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