Finding a new identity

[Anonymous]

I think the hardest part of going through a faith crisis is not the intellectual aspect of sorting things out, but trying to find some place where you feel you belong. Today was one of those rough days where I just felt like crying inside. I feel like a complete outsider amongst church members now. This is not a result of them judging me or making me feel unwelcome as most of them have no idea what I’m going through. But just knowing that I don’t believe the same as them anymore has the same effect on me emotionally. Because I was so entrenched in Mormon culture for so long I feel even more out of place in other circles. I want more than anything right now just to feel that I’m understood and that I belong somewhere.

Being a Mormon has always been such a huge part of my identity. It was always one of the first things I wanted people to know about me when I first met them. After having that stripped away I don’t feel like I know who I am anymore. If someone were to ask me what I believe in, I’m not sure if I could really give them an answer right now. This is really the first time in my life that I’m not sure what I want. I feel like prior to this I always knew what I wanted in life. While that certainly changed periodically, but I was never completely without direction.

Anyway, I know there’s no real question in this post: I just felt like I needed a safe place to vent tonight.

[Anonymous]

Not sure I have much of anything to offer. I know I can’t fully imagine feeling that way.

That said, regardless of where you are heading towards, you need that feeling of ‘belonging’.

Are there any associations that you have considered joining in the past?

– toastmasters?

– boy scouts (chartered by another organization)?

– professional associations?

– chamber of commerce?

– Masonry? (Perhaps a somewhat controversial idea, but it’s a religious fraternity rather than a religion)

You need something to join – and probably nothing religious at the moment. But find something worthwhile to do with your time and even become a leader within the organizations themselves. This may help.

That’s probably all I’ve got. Hope it helps some!

[Anonymous]

I think most, if not all of us, know that feeling. Some people describe it as feeling like you are an alien visiting and observing a tribe of Mormons. Other describe it as an odd feeling like you have to hold in a deep and terrible secret, and you are the only one who knows. We used to feel like we belonged because we all shared the same belief, the same way of looking at the world. There’s comfort in being part of the pack.

If it helps at all, I don’t think that was ever completely true. You have just been ejected from the paradigm of believing that everyone at Church pretty much thinks just like you did. In this area, I am a fan of Dr. James Fowler. I think he describes well the jarring transition from group faith to individual and self-reflective faith. If you really sat down a bunch of members from your ward, and pinned them down to their specific personal beliefs and what they understand essential Mormon “doctrine” to be, you would get a wide variety of answers that don’t really match. It’s just that most of us have a strong inclination to fit in and bend our views to group consensus. This is a social survival mechanism and basic human psychology. It isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Actually, it really helps us form functional and synergistic groups. It’s the foundation of human civilization.

But once you see it so plainly, it can be disturbing for a while, until you get used to it being so obvious.

[Anonymous]

Quote:

Are there any associations that you have considered joining in the past?

How about AA? (maybe not) The price to qualify is too high.

Mike form Milton.

[Anonymous]

leavingthecave25 wrote:

If someone were to ask me what I believe in, I’m not sure if I could really give them an answer right now. This is really the first time in my life that I’m not sure what I want.

I have been there, I know it’s an indescribable unsettling feeling. You will figure it out, give yourself some time. It just takes some effort at sorting, and I think there are rewarding and some enjoyable aspects to the task.

[Anonymous]

wow, cool. Identity. It’s at the heart of everything, and the pursuit of understanding our identity is a quest never finished for some. It’s certainly my hot-button, so much so that ‘identity’ is what I do for a living.

In the midst of architecting systems for national-scale identity management, i made an interesting discovery: the “person” table in a national-identity system has no persistent attributes. All identity claims are asserted and therefore non-persistent. This was a major ‘aha!’ moment for me, to realize that all of what we think of as our ‘identity’ are assertions–claims of identity that may change: our name, our nationality, our religion, our marital status, even our parentage, are attributes that can change.

The great Vedanta guru Ramana Maharshi taught that the ultimate question was “Who am I?”, to which he constructed a meditation approach that would progressively peel away the layers of asserted identity to come to a realization of who I really am. While some of the hindu religious aspects of this are not compatible or accessible to non-hindus, the reality is that Jesus laid out an explicit answer to that question, if you’re willing to see it:

The answer to the question “Who am I?” is “I AM”.

Once we realize this, internally and fully, then we can return to the society of people, to the church, and to wherever we are, and realizing that we are “I AM”, can simply and authentically engage with people in love and kindness. Gandhi once said, “I am hindu, I am muslim, I am Christian, I am jew, and so are all of you.” The concept of I AM does not make us god, independent of all else, the ultimate narcissism. I AM means that I AM ONE with all else that is, interdependently. I am not an island, I am part of the human race, part of the single being that constitute all that is.

Recognizing this, I can be part of any organization, ideally, because they are also part of I AM. However, my personal view of my role in the organization is often quite distinct from how I’m perceived. I embrace that. I’m but a fool, and a wayfaring one at that. (wayfaring is part of my job as well, unfortunately). And being a fool, there is a Way that I can follow and be comfortable in my own skin.

[Anonymous]

Mike wrote:

Quote:

Are there any associations that you have considered joining in the past?

How about AA? (maybe not) The price to qualify is too high.

Mike form Milton.

I love you mike. so true.

[Anonymous]

I have felt similar feelings in the past. One thing that was helpful to me was to reframe the not thinking the same. If you break things down to really simple levels, you will find you do have some things in common. For example, I realized the majority of people in our church think being kind, being helpful, being willing to serve others ( not necessarily referring to official church callings here) etc. are things we all have in common. This insight alone helped me tremendously. And we never know how many are sitting there having similar thought processes in their heads when certain things are said in gospel doctrine classes or other places. I am grateful for the good people of the church. They are not the only good people in the world….good people are all around us, we just need to open our eyes but I am increasingly grateful and more so every day for the associations I have made through this church. They all don’t have to know, sympathize, empathize or even listen to my angst over certain things. I don’t ask them to carry this burden with me….that’s what you are all here for, right? And ultimately, my Heavenly Parents have heard my angst and have and are giving me guidance. Maybe not answers…but there has been guidance, such as finding this site. 🙂

Please know you are not alone. You do belong!

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