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eddie- Glad you’re here. Welcome. I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles. While I have never experienced divorce myself, I came from a difficult family situation that ended in divorce, and, sadly, have contemplated it myself. I can imagine the feelings of despair, lonliness and anger that you must have had to endure.
You’ve already received a lot of great advice here, and I hope you find it helpful. Thank goodness you have your daughters. I’m sure they have suffered a lot, too, and being able to help them through this situation must be balm, of a sort, to your own soul. Hang in there.
-doug
eddie when you say: Quote:…and your comment is further evidence that perhaps i am simply angry, or bitter, or pissed at god, and because of it, i am finding reasons, or excuses to be angry…
I know exactly how you feel. My anger got so bad that I wanted revenge. At the time, I believe that I could of taken a life & felt completely justified in doing it.
I also know that in time, it will get better. I’m convinced that God will talk to your heart when you least exact it. I believe that you will have peace & comfort again. It may take time. Be patient & love your daughters.
If you want to talk privately, send me a Private Message. I would be willing to talk on the phone too, if that would help.
Mike from Milton.
mrtoad4u wrote:agreed. a lot of this may be about ‘control’ for me. or lack thereof. or rather, a losing of the illusion of control…
and yer right, i did not marry her for rewards. i married her because i wanted to, because i was in love with her and wanted to be with her.
and when she left. loss of control. or the loss of the illusion of it. and your comment is further evidence that perhaps i am simply angry, or bitter, or pissed at god, and because of it, i am finding reasons, or excuses to be angry…
all of which does not make me feel very good about myself. i have never been an angry or hateful or vengeful person. but then, have i ever been truly tempted in my life before the last few years?
perhaps not. perhaps not.
Well, I am not advocating a lack of discipline here by saying this but”judge not least ye be judged”. Have you thought that it can actually apply to yourself as well? Certainly one can be overly critical(as well as under) about oneself. Depending on your personality I think
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1588278.Lighten_Uphttp://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1588278.Lighten_Up” class=”bbcode_url”> well, when i said, ‘lack of control’ i was referring not to my self discipline, but rather my need to control the world around me. when my wife left, to force her to talk to me. to fix it. to move with my girls to safer place. to control it. that is the illusion i referred to… however.
you are right about the self-judgment. some of us do not judge ourselves enough, and others of us, too much. and i admit, a guilt complex over her leaving, on behalf of my children, even though it makes no sense whatsoever!! .. ya, i feel tremendous guilt for my girls suffering for things that had nothing to do with them. and my sweet bishop has told me many times that the lord was years past ready to forgive me, if i’d but forgive myself.
i get it. i understand it. it makes perfect sense, but… guilt, guilt, guilt. everything that happened, even though it had very little to do with me, is guilt.
i think in part because, my wife and i were best friends. we were supposed to be one unit, together forever. and i didn’t see her struggles coming. no one did. but if not me, then who? who else but i, her supposed best friend and partner and companion… blah blah…
who else but i should have seen the signs? and there were signs. hindsight being 20/20, oh… there were signs. and i missed them. all of them.
and my girls took it in the rear end because of it. and ya… GUILT.
and forgiving myself has been impossible. and i know i have to. and i don’t know how. or i can’t seem to. and maybe 3 years is just not long enough.
but i am so, so, SOOO tired. and i need to. and i can’t seem to.
Welcome friend. Glad you found us, and I hope we can rally around you as well. I haven’t had the same exact life experience, but my own also brought me to the same place of questioning — why didn’t it work like they told me?
The whole cookie-cutter life laid out for us works great … when it works great. When it doesn’t work, what then? We REALLY just don’t have good responses to that, unfortunately. I think others have already given so much wisdom, so all I can say is +1 to what everyone else already said.
Life is what it is. It really hurts sometimes too. Be a fighter! (if for no other reason than to make things as best as possible for your children) Who knows, you very well might end up meeting someone you are far more compatible with. It still sucks to go through the breakup and dealing with the fallout. Being a single parent is tough.
Brian Johnston wrote:Welcome friend. Glad you found us, and I hope we can rally around you as well.
I haven’t had the same exact life experience, but my own also brought me to the same place of questioning — why didn’t it work like they told me?
The whole cookie-cutter life laid out for us works great …
when it works great.When it doesn’t work, what then? We REALLY just don’t have good responses to that, unfortunately. I wonder if it ever works for anyone or if some people are just really good at fooling themselves into thinking it’s working for them.
Everyone I know has a less than ideal life. Everyone. Without exception.
I do know some younger families who are still laboring under the delusion that they can make a perfect life but most come from families who have experienced adversity (divorce, loss of a loved one, financial struggle, wayward sibling, someone in the family with SSA, infertility, unable to find a mate, etc). Granted some have had even worse experiences (rape, abuse, poverty, neglect, lack of a good education, tragic accidents, addictions, etc). Some of my younger friends still believe that if they are “righteous enough” they can escape these trials in the family they are creating now.
I usually respond with two words: Job. Abraham.
‘Nuff said?
I also know some people who even having experienced these difficulties, live in a world of personal myth that separates them and anesthetizes them from the pain of life by laying all adversity at the feet of someone else, accusing them of sin or misdeed. But again, they are only fooling themselves into thinking they live the ideal Mormon life.
IMO, the whole concept that there is, in this life, some attainable ideal, is a fairy tale.
mrtoad4u wrote:well, when i said, ‘lack of control’ i was referring not to my self discipline, but rather my need to control the world around me. when my wife left, to force her to talk to me. to fix it. to move with my girls to safer place. to control it. that is the illusion i referred to…
I’m aware, but it’s probably my mistake trying to clarify things, I understood what you ment though. To let go of the illusion of control that the only real control you have is with your own actions. It helps to let it go and accept it(it does hurt to admit it to oneself though). I’m sure Moses wasn’t looking forward to tracking back up the mountain after doing all he could. I’m sure job was going “haven’t I put all my faith in already and done what you asked, darn, I thought I had my trails licked. Round 23 let’s go.
however.
you are right about the self-judgment. some of us do not judge ourselves enough, and others of us, too much. and i admit, a guilt complex over her leaving, on behalf of my children, even though it makes no sense whatsoever!! .. ya, i feel tremendous guilt for my girls suffering for things that had nothing to do with them. and my sweet bishop has told me many times that the lord was years past ready to forgive me, if i’d but forgive myself.
Quote:i get it. i understand it. it makes perfect sense, but… guilt, guilt, guilt. everything that happened, even though it had very little to do with me, is guilt.
i think in part because, my wife and i were best friends. we were supposed to be one unit, together forever. and i didn’t see her struggles coming. no one did. but if not me, then who? who else but i, her supposed best friend and partner and companion… blah blah…
who else but i should have seen the signs? and there were signs. hindsight being 20/20, oh… there were signs. and i missed them. all of them.
and my girls took it in the rear end because of it. and ya… GUILT.
and forgiving myself has been impossible. and i know i have to. and i don’t know how. or i can’t seem to. and maybe 3 years is just not long enough.
but i am so, so, SOOO tired. and i need to. and i can’t seem to.
Hmm I understand this very well, I have tried, for most of my life. To take on others burdens as my own since my preteens. Now at 38 I can’t seem to recover from feeling tired, even when I’m well rested. I’m 38 and feel like I’m 68 lol. I’ve judged myself(harshly) by using a faulty logic that I should judge myself as others treated me. I’ve learned through a number of years to self displine myself to that same effect. When I sometimes failed to successfully take on the burndens of those I loved I was extremely self critical(massive guilt). It can eat at you if you let it, and it will for as long as you let it. It’s important not to see this situation as right or wrong, but just is. This is your life, do with it the best that you can. Let others make the decisions they will make. Think on things that help you to RELAX. Remember no one is perfect, not even close. It’s a nice ideal, but it’s a carrot on a stick. It’s the journey that’s important. The journey doesn’t end here and you shouldn’t let your thought guide you there. It’s just a different path to take now. The “if I only” illusion is a fallacy. Even if you did or could, others free will reign supreme. It’s a question without a end. If you could take some time and do something you love to do by yourself and with your daughters to unwind and appreciate the blessings that you got out of the marriage. Even Christ needed time to himself. Learning to be happy with your best, that situation works well when looking at the church too. We are all only human, unrealistic expectations of self included not just of others. Life is complicated, there isn’t a one size fits all that will work. Different people have different needs and experiences to be happy and healthy. A rigid structure appeals to those that crave stability, but we aren’t made of iron and water as soft as it is can carve its way through anything over time. Fluidity, take the curves as they come. I think balance or moderation works well here too we can be rigid but flexible as well, preparing but taking life as it comes. I hope your days get better. At 38 I have often dreamed of my own kids since I was 16. I’m happy that you show concern for trying to keep your daughters out of the middle of it. Can you start by recognizing you do some things right?if i can, i haven’t. but thanks for the thoughts. again, i agree. Eddie, you wrote Quote:i loved her. i wanted to be with her. i went to god about marrying her, not him to me. and if it was my idea, but the odds of divorce are same? then what was point? if our faith professes to provide more joy than any other, yet i have equal odds of divorce, even if i served a mission and pray and go to church and live my covenants and on and on and on…
Those exact words were mine five years ago. I know how it feels. I divorced 5 years ago, got remarried 2 years ago, but the scent of the former still lingers since I see her in my son who I was a single father to for two years. I too, was sealed in the temple, and have a hard time going to the temple since I went with my former, who I loved dearly many a time.
My wife didn’t leave me, I had to take off with my son to save him from injury. My former suffered from severe mental illness, and did all I could to try to make it work to the point that my life was in jeopardy.
I had similar thoughts to yours. Yet, mine were more selfish. Your thoughts are legitimate. What helped me through mine was reading 1st Nephi and realizing that when Laman and Lemuel separate themselves from Nephi and Jacob, that was a type of divorce between brothers. Also, the war in heaven is the greatest divorce of all. I’m sure if the veil were to be lifted we would sorrow so much to remember those who we have lost eternally that we might feel the pains of a damned soul for a very long time.
I look around at the people in the ward who seem to have life so perfect. I think “try walking in my shoes, you would stumble in my footsteps.” Remember we are not judged against others. Everyone has their own trials unique to them. Get close to your Savior, he is your best friend. I saw the casting lots by the Roman soldiers as how my property was taken. My anguish realizing that my son would be without a mother and I would be without a wife was a Gethsemane for me. The betrayal of your former is like the betrayal of Judas Iscariot. I started thinking man it must have sucked for Jesus to have one of his inner circle betray him unto death. And yes divorce is the death of a marriage, a very sad thing. People that haven’t been through it have a hard time realizing this: Marriage is a vibrant thing with a life of its own and when it suffers, breaks, down, or falls apart it is like mourning a death.
Another book I enjoyed reading during my Divorce was the the Book of Job in the Bible. I realized that I did not have it too bad compared to him. Hang in their brother. Live for your daughters and rays of sun will come. Light will be at the end of the tunnel. It takes time.
amen. Hi Eddie, Your posts remind me so much of myself a few years ago. In a nutshell – I had built my life and covered it in the protective cloak of divine intervention and priesthood power. So when catastrophe struck I was left fumbling with what had gone wrong. After the shock started to wear off, one of the things I did was look closer at the promised blessing end of my covenants. Sound familiar?
What I found there in the small print is that there are no promises, no guarantees, and no assurances. There are plenty of ambiguous hints, or implied cause and effects, or general statements – but when it comes down to brass tacks there are enough loopholes to drive a truck through. Sometimes statements even in the scriptures that seem to suggest a righteousness = blessings correlation are badly misinterpreted in our culture. Sometimes they were misleading and deceptive from the get go.
Please review my introduction here:
http://forum.staylds.com/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=1937 There is some great discussion about “locus of control” and “assumptive realities.” I found StayLDS about a year after my crisis catalyst. I also provided an update after I had been participating here for a year that detailed how I personally was able to find a better place internally and how StayLDS helped me to get there.
I feel for you Eddie. Our paths may have been different but our journeys seem remarkably the same. You are not alone. You are welcome here.
Let me know if this helps or how it might apply differently to your unique situation.
Thanks,
Roy
i’ll buy that, roy–that’s why i’m in here. thanks.
Welcome. This is a good place to get comfort and advice. I’m about your age (I’m 37). I grew up in the church, and was implicitly (and maybe even explicitly) taught in young men’s, seminary, institute, on my mission, etc., that if I punched my card right (read scriptures, pray, church activity and service, mission, temple) I would avoid the big challenges in life. EVERYONE, and I mean EVERYONE in my generation was taught this. The corollary to this, of course, is that if you are experiencing major life challenges, you must have sinned or made a mistake. FALSE DOCTRINE!!!!! (wasn’t the Book of Job about this?)
The church can be hard on divorcees for the reason stated above.
If you’re interested in getting some support that’s not necessarily in the church, have you checked out any online forums for single dads with kids? It doesn’t necessarily get at the spiritual issues involved, but these men know what you’re going through.
This is a good place to work on your church-related questions.
Welcome!
i have looked at them. but have not been an active participant. sometimes a mute one.
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