Finding truth and discovering God

[Anonymous]

I have tears of joy as I read some of the stories in here. To know that I am not alone, crazy, bad, OR being “led astray”. I have also cried as I read what feels like truth that my soul has been searching for. So I thank everyone here for having the courage to face fears and to question.

The previous post “Never in a Million years” could be my story. I loved it! My parents joined the church when I was really young. We grew up what I like to call “Orthadox Mormons”. But I see here that it is TBM? Anyway, I was baptized at 8, saying crap was a bad word, we didn’t drink caffeine, we were different in our baptist community in Louisiana and my mom was even disowned from her catholic family. Yep, hard core, right. (I am trying to not come from a place of anger but understanding and love.. so excuse my anger when it creeps in. It tends to do that when I feel the pain creeping in.) I had a rebellious teen years, but came back when I was 19, served a mission, married in the temple. Served in RS presidency a few times, Y/W presidency, Primary.. never NOT had a calling since I was 19… not even for a week. I get called the same day I get released. Even on bed rest I did callings from home. Didn’t even know I could say NO, even if I didn’t want to do the calling. I didn’t want to be one of THOSE kind of jack Mormons.

I NEVER questioned the church. Once I was committed that was it. There was no question in my mind. On my mission I 100% believed it when I told someone that all they needed to change their heart and life was to join the true and everlasting church. So you can imagine that when I had a baby and wanted to commit suicide and the church or gospel didn’t make it better that I felt something was wrong with ME. That is the exact definition of SHAME. Not to be confused with guilt which is “I must have done something wrong… That was 13 years ago.

I pushed those feelings down with food, perfectionism, and even anger.. looking for the next service project to “work my way to salvation” and to get it right. What was wrong with me that I was getting MORE angry than I was peaceful and loving? I kept trudging along because if this is the only truth and I am not feeling it or healing then I am screwed. I found a 12 step addiction recovery program. (of course it had to be from an LDS person b/c at the time I was too afraid to venture out.. what is someone led me “astray” OH NO! .. anyway.. It was life changing. I started to resent the fact that I didn’t learn this at church. That was the first negative thought I remember feeling towards the church since I was activated. That was 8 years ago.

The last 5 years my extended family (parents and siblings) have been through emotional awakenings…rehabs, jail, divorces… 3 siblings excommunicated, all great and wonderful people who are making choices that look different from what is “expected”. This has cause me to question SO MANY things.

I am not to the point where I want to leave the church. I told my husband that I just need to feel and know that it is my choice and not his and all I am asking for is understanding and love. I feel the my main issue is that I have been confusing the Church with God. If I get an answer that doesn’t fit in with traditional church beliefs or norm I tend to think that I must be being led astray. Or I should say I DID feel that way. I no longer believe that. I have a new relationship with who my Higher Power and I believe “God” to be God, Heavenly Mother.. and very connected to my higherself. I haven’t finalized any belief nor do I think I ever will. I am ever changing and want to be open to the possibilities. I no longer think that I need to be “worthy” of Gods love. I don’t have to work for it, or earn it.

I don’t want to throw the beliefs that have brought me peace for so long under the bus and call it all lies. My husband is having a hard time with this. He is trying to understand where I am coming from but it is hard for him. My husband comes from pioneer stock from both sides. 11 kids in his family. All amazing people. All very close. I know that the church molded him to be the AMAZING man he is today. These teaching aren’t all bad. Infact, the addict in me is pretty safe from the boundaries that were provided. I also want some of these teaching for my children. But how to teach your kids that everything the church teaches isn’t true, when at church they are saying that it IS all true. Didn’t Elder Nelson give the best talk about starting from what you DO know.. yet he said “this isn’t a Piccadilly church”. Those kinds of statements are so confusing to me. WHY does it all have to be all or nothing?

I was literally crying at church on Sunday b/c I felt so isolated and alone. I don’t fit in with my anti siblings or my friends who are leaving the church. And I don’t fit in at church. So, you can imagine my relief when I found this site. WOW!!!!!!! I just love the honestly, safety, vulnerability that I have read so far. It is opening my mind to love, peace and understanding and the possibility that I can go to church and take what I like and leave the parts that hurt my soul or cause confusion. Imagine a God who isn’t ALL OR NOTHING.. WHAT!!

Thanks again for your support and help in finding my new footing,

[Anonymous]

First off welcome. Second, you are not alone at all in your spiritual life or your even with some of your other issues. Thoughts of suicide are very real and can be very scary. I lost a daughter three years ago. The feelings of guilt and not being good enough, along with some other health problems were just too much. I am glad that you have been getting help with that and please continue to do so if the feelings or thoughts come back. Remember those thoughts are not a sign of weakness or sin and that you are not broken. Those thoughts can come to us all, leaders, saints and sinners. I might have felt that way a time or two myself.

There are a lot of good people here and it is a good place to explore, express, vent or find encouragement. Keep reading and sharing because we need people like you to help and encourage us too. Good luck with everything.

[Anonymous]

Hang in there! We all know what it’s like to feel like the only one. Consider us your virtual ward!

[Anonymous]

Welcome OTF,

opentofreedom wrote:

Anyway, I was baptized at 8, saying crap was a bad word, we didn’t drink caffeine

I remember my mom telling me that she didn’t want me to say “suck” as in “that sucks.” She also didn’t feel comfortable with her adult children comparing belly buttons or tongues but couldn’t explain to us exactly why. We think it must be something to do with the generation gap.

opentofreedom wrote:

I had a rebellious teen years, but came back when I was 19, served a mission, married in the temple.

Yup! My mom even took me to a psychiatrist for my rebellion. He met with me and then told her that I was a normal teenage boy. But I eventually discovered within myself an urge for something greater and so I served a mission at 20, attended BYU, and married in the temple. (I don’t mean to imply that my mom was wrong – she was just doing the best she could with a hormone addled teenage boy.)

Much of your story could have been written by me. It is so fascinating that our journeys are so unique yet so similar. We are different, but the same.

opentofreedom wrote:

So you can imagine that when I had a baby and wanted to commit suicide and the church or gospel didn’t make it better that I felt something was wrong with ME. That is the exact definition of SHAME. Not to be confused with guilt which is “I must have done something wrong…

In my particular story I had a stillborn daughter. I had to come to grips with why the power of the priesthood and my personal righteousness didn’t prevent or forewarn of catastrophe (was it me?). I also had to deal with what I believe about my daughter and her place in our eternal family. You see, the church doesn’t recognize stillbirths for the purpose of family sealings…as a church we just don’t know. Ironically because I found myself in a doctrinal void I had to approach God alone. I feel that He answered me that He loves me. He loves my stillborn daughter who never took a breath outside the womb, never did a single good work or accomplishment. He loves me with my quirks and foibles, ego and pride, pain and brokenness, success and failures, stubbornness and false knowledge. He loves us equally and He loves us overpoweringly.

It may have been a self protective mechanism in my psyche, but I take it as a revelation from God. I find it very liberating in helping me not take church stuff so seriously…my standing with God was never in jeopardy.

opentofreedom wrote:

I no longer think that I need to be “worthy” of Gods love. I don’t have to work for it, or earn it.

Amen!!!

I am so glad you found us!

[Anonymous]

C-333

First of all, I am so sorry about your daughter. Hug! I can’t even imagine the pain that you go through dealing with that. I hope you have found peace and comfort and continue to. I don’t know if EVERYONE ever has thought of suicide, but I think more people do than will admit it. Something someone told me the last time I had suicidal thoughts was “It isn’t that you want to die, it is that you want your pain to die, your struggles that keep coming back to die”. For some reason that really helped me and next time I thought that I just aked myself “What struggle or pain is it that I want to die?”

Much of my depression came after the birth of my children, Post-pardum depression was really bad with two of them. With the help of my husband, therapist and support groups I feel MUCH better and I continue to work on my healing and thoughts.

Thank you again for your support and encouragement.

Hawkgrl- yes, virtual ward. I love it! Thank you.

Roy- I am so sorry about your daughter. Hugs to you too! I think that is why pregnancies were so hard and why postpartum was so bad b/c I didn’t know if I could ever get over the death of my child. My anxiety was so out of control I remember thinking that the baby would die any minute… so that “God could teach me a lesson”. I believe differently now (although I hope I don’t have to “prove” my beliefs–EVER).. but I guess I could honestly say that I don’t believe God is teaching me a lesson through trials any more. More that I believe that God and I worked out a contract before I came here and I helped map out my life and the trials I was willing to have and the concepts or “virtues” I wanted to work on in this world and physical realm. Sometimes I learn through experiences, sometime others are my teachers and I learn forgiveness through them, and sometimes I am the teacher and hurt others that they may learn forgiveness

I really loved that you could see your experience in your “doctrinal void” and your courage to “face God alone”… LOVE THAT! And what you learned!! It is very beautiful!!

I chuckle a little because my mom took me to a therapist for the same reason when I was 18 and he concluded the same thing, that I was a “normal” young adult who was trying to test the grass on the other side of the fence. And I did conclude by 19 that the grass wasn’t any greener or more fun.

[Anonymous]

Welcome! I too was so excited to find this wonderful place where I feel like I can discuss my struggles, feelings, thoughts, etc. without the fear of being judged. It has helped me tremendously! 🙂

[Author]

Posts