Forgiveness without Healing?

[Anonymous]

But, the article that you posted above is very black & white and we know life isn’t that simple. Forgiveness exists on an analog scale, not a digital one. I agree with most everything that article says, but it’s talking almost entirely about forgiving people that are no longer in your life. I’ll summarize the article’s value here: Can you forgive someone who is dead? Yes you can.

The problem is in overuse and overburden of the expectation of forgiveness toward people that we know currently. The article whimsically talks about forgiving a “good friend” who kicks your dog. Later, the article asserts:

Quote:

You can forgive your dog-kicking friend. In fact, your mental and physical health depends on it. But making up with her is a different story, one that requires forgiveness as well as her desire to listen, understand, and apologize. To you and your dog.

Yes… but we have to be very careful here. The hypothetical situation stated in the article is that after kicking your dog, your friend “moves out of the country or ceases all contact. Or dies.” And I agree that in that situation, forgiveness doesn’t require any reconciliation, because you can’t really have any anyway. But, that is actually a very isolated case. Can you forgive your abusive father who is dead? Yes. Can you forgive an abusing spouse who is still alive and actively abusing you and your children. Hell no. We know… we know… that there are many LDS women who stay in abusive marriages based on misguided application of christian principles of forgiveness, patience, kindness, and charity, as well as a desire to preserve their LDS Temple Sealing… and then they get shoved around every Saturday night and yelled at every Sunday morning for causing it.

I believe it is very important to forgive. I have forgiven. I have been forgiven. Both are sweet in much different ways. One of the best attributes of Christianity, in fact, revolves around forgiving and being forgiven. I love the Christian message of moving forward, instead of looking backward. Yet, forgiveness has to have boundaries or we can find ourselves compromising the well being of ourselves, our children, our friends, our neighbors, or our dogs. I believe that the guiding principle has to be to strive to forgive what is in the past. We can do this by seeking to understand, seeing the person as someone who has ceased to do what was offensive, and acknowledging that we ourselves have made mistakes in life and hope that we are not constantly called on the carpet for them. If something is not in the past, but continues, then there is no intersection with the concept of forgiveness.

Life exists somewhere along the broad expanse between extremes. We can’t make effective broad-brush statements about something so complex as forgiveness. What I believe we have to do instead is recognize that there is an internal benefit to forgiving when we can, strive for it because we are trying to be better people, and then not feel guilty when we find ourselves in situations where others are telling us to forgive, but we just aren’t able.

All that said, kipper, forgiveness is a powerful tool for finding peace. It’s really hard to give specific advice because you know the situation so much better than any of us here ever could. In a very general sense, not talking about your case specifically, but when someone does something that offends another, but they don’t realize it, it can be helpful to try to understand them. Why did they do it, why didn’t they think of it as offensive? Then we can look at ourselves and ask ourselves if we have ever offended accidentally, without knowing. Perhaps in your case, you can seek to forgive, but then just be careful that it doesn’t happen again, because that would mean that it isn’t in the past at all, and doesn’t fall in the realm of forgivable. However you proceed, make sure that you think of forgiveness toward the other person as something that you can do for yourself, if you chose, so that you can find peace… not to fulfill someone else’s expectation of what is right.

[Anonymous]

Kipper wrote:

F_C you have so much insight and ability to express what you know. I would say you have maximized your potential in an area that you had the capacity for. This makes it very difficult for me to accept that “…we are not a church of volunteers but of assignments…” I’m sure you have heard that, it’s been repeated so many times. The problem I see with that is I can be assigned to something I’m not good at, not necessarily a bad thing unless it is at the expense of something I am good at but still need time to develop. I could possibly never reach that potential. Sorry if I got off topic. That is an issue I need to reconcile specifically.

I have far from maximized, it’s a daily concentrated effort that doesn’t happen in its own.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean approval or that you are ok with it. It doesn’t mean leaving yourself vulnerable. It doesn’t mean that you don’t don’t or stop requesting respect or have none.

It doesn’t validate the other person as the other person can sometimes presume.

It’s just letting go of hate not your self respect or self worth. It doesn’t mean it’s ok to be in the situation or you can go back to the situation if it were possible(if it’s on going).

About volunteering. Well,

Quote:

[Volunteering is generally considered an altruistic activity and is intended to promote goodness or improve human quality of life. In return, this activity can produce a feeling of self-worth and respect. There is no financial gain involved for the individual. Volunteering is also renowned for skill development, socialization, and fun. It is also intended to make contacts for possible employment. Many volunteers are specifically trained in the areas they work, such as medicine, education, or emergency rescue. Others serve on an as-needed basis, such as in response to a natural disaster./quote]

And

Quote:

Community voluntary work

Leaders welcome a boy into scouting, March 2010, Mexico City, Mexico.

Community volunteering refers to the volunteers who work to improve community enhancement efforts in the area in which they live. Neighborhood, church, and community groups play a key role in building strong cities from the neighborhoods up. Supporting these understaffed groups can enable them to succeed in a variety of areas, which connect social, environmental, and economic boundaries. Volunteers can conduct a wide range of activities. Numerous community organizations exist to facilitate volunteering, some are affiliated with academic organizations (Harvard Alumni), some are corporate(Intel Employees), some religious based(Methodists) while others are more socially (One Brick).

Now that the ground work is laid lets take a look at what our church has to say about it.

Quote:

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints functions in large measure because of the unpaid volunteer ministry of its members. In fact, this lay ministry is one of the Church’s most defining characteristics. In thousands of local congregations or “wards” around the world, members voluntarily participate in “callings” or assignments that provide meaningful opportunities to serve one another. It is common for Church members to spend 5-10 hours a week serving in their callings. Some callings, such as a bishop, women’s Relief Society president, or stake president may require 15-30 hours per week.

Umm, what more needs to be said? Volunteer work by both definition and by admission.

Kindly point them to this article to help you out.

http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/mormon-lay-ministry” class=”bbcode_url”>http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/mormon-lay-ministry

What ever the situation is, ask and assert of basic respect of your human rights. Don’t back down from it.

Politely but firmly assert yourself that you will not be mistreated or handled or be a verbal or physical pinching bag. That you have the right to not be harassed, manipulated, intimidated, coerced, or talked down to.

See if you can work it out. But never back down from the basics that all humans deserve. Expect from others to treat you well if you are to work with them. You are doing work on thief behalf. They have a moral obligation to work with you like any volunteer job which isn’t paid. This is not work, it can and should be worked out and appreciated. These are your basic rights. As with all volunteers. I would not work in volunteer place that didn’t abide by these basic precepts.

When a authoritarian system has no legal rights to force work under the law they resort to “higher” rights to try to get their work done. It’s a in easy tension of a combination authoritarian(military type) and volunteer system and the conflict from merging those two. How ever you still have basic dignity rights no matter what is said or done.

If you don’t stand up for yourself, almost no one will. The key is to be polite but firm.

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