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Hi, I am new to this site and so excited to be here! What I have seen here has made me feel like this is exactly what I need right now. I am 28 years old, have been an active temple worthy church member my entire life and am about to get married. I am having a lot of anxiety about garments. I have struggled on and off with an eating disorder in the past, but have been healthy for the last few years. I had friends get me garments of every kind and cut the symbols out. (I needed to understand what I was committing to.) I just can’t do it. I put on the shorts and I feel disgusting, fat and ugly. I also feel like a boy. So I’m left with the decision of do I get married in the temple or not? Should I make commitments to God knowing that I probably will not be keeping them? It’s also spiraling me downward in the rest of my beliefs a little bit, because if I don’t believe garments are necessary-which I’m pretty sure I don’t. (But, again, haven’t been through the temple yet.) Then, what else might not be true or necessary? I’ve been doing a lot of research on the history of garments and it’s making me feel like they were not meant to be what we use them as now. Has anyone been through something similar? Does anyone have any insight? I know 100% I believe in the book of mormon and that the priesthood power is real, but aside from that I am starting to really question. Try wearing something sexy underneath the garments. Then you’ll feel like you’re wearing workout spandex for the bottoms. The top might feel like you’re wearing a camesol or something… That is what I would do in your situation. No one is going to check! And if they did, they’d be up in front of a Church court. Plus the TR interview just asks if you wear them, not the order on which they touch your body. There may be some myth floating around about the order in which you put them on, but honestly, if coping with your body image means you put them over top of something else, then do it.
We are all different…in spite of systemized rules that intentionally, or unintentionally treat us as though we are all the same.
welcome. I’m not sure what you’re really asking with this. If you are 100% sure of the book of mormon and have faith in the restored gospel, then the appearance of the garment on your body would be a subordinate issue to obedience to what your heavenly father wants you to do.
The temple can be a very uplifting place, although initially there are a number of things that may concern you. I went in ‘blind’ as it were, way back in the mid-70s. The garment then was a single-piece contraption that never felt comfortable. fortunately a few years later they got more modern. But still, they aren’t very feminine, nor are they intended to be. They’re an inner, personal symbol of a commitment you make in the temple — much like people of other religions do when they commit to a consecrated life (e.g. catholic priests/nuns, orthodox jews, sikhs, and others all have some sort of sacred, hidden clothing).
My point is this: if you’re going to the temple because you want to be married there and you value the idea that you will be sealed to your husband for time and all eternity, then wearing the garment is the sacrifice you pay for that rite. I wouldn’t go into the temple with the intention of not taking the temple and its covenants seriously.
However, how and when you wear the garment is a personal matter. If I were you, I would have a very frank discussion with your fiance, to determine how he feels about wearing the garment. If you both have a ‘flexible’ definition of when to wear it, then, perhaps, things will be easier than if he thinks it should be ‘religiously’ worn day and night no matter what.
i agree with silentdawning’s post as well…
My non-member mother in law caught me in them when she came to unexpectably visit after my first baby. She was appalled by them and told me that will not help me keep my husband; very unsexy. I also saw a cartoon once with a couple wearing temple garments with the heading: Mormon birth control. I did not like wearing them at all and glad not to wear them anymore. I do understand the purpose though to remind you of your promises and covenants. It did help me stay moral just before leaving on my mission at 21. They are certainly worse for women than for men in that they resemble women’s underwear so little that the change is dramatic. It may help to think of them, not as underwear, but as a ceremonial piece of clothing you wear under your clothes to remind you of your divine purpose. I too hated them at first – I don’t love them now – but they become comfortable, and they have some benefits over regular underwear – no VPL for one thing! There are changes to design that are making them better, although not in hot & humid climates like I live in where any clothing at all is too much. You only need to get square with your own husband about them. And not wearing them when you feel sexy is a way to divide daily life from your romantic life with your husband. We called them passion killers in college, and they certainly work that way outside of marriage (unless both are endowed, and then the body still has its own mind). You still wear something sexy when you want to have sex. Your MIL’s comment is based on her shock at them and isn’t really true. Marriage is long. It’s not all lingerie and sex toys. Just partly.
Night and day doesn’t have to mean all night and all day. 
I love the symbolism of the garment, even as I recognize that the functionality for men and women is WAY different. So, as others have said, wear something else when you want to feel sexy – and wear regular underwear beneath them if you want, so they don’t feel like underwear to you. (Frankly, if you have regular underwear under them, it actually might heighten sexual excitement. Maybe not, but maybe.)
That’s my only real concern about the garment now – making them feel like common old underwear. If women can wear things under them during menstruation and while nursing due to the issue of blood and milk, why not always?
It’s not like our bodies stop secreting stuff outside those times.Just sayin’. There is some great stuff on here, I am so glad I came to this website! I really appreciate all of your comments! So, first, I have discussed this in great depth with my fiance. Of the two of us I am the more “Mormon” one. He was just starting to come back to church when we started dating (we’ve been together 1 1/2 years) and he would honestly prefer if I did not wear them, although he tries his best to be supportive and make me feel like it will be ok. He is much better than I am at just not letting the things that he doesn’t really believe in get to him, but I always want to fight the issue. I think this is a huge reason why I’ve stayed so strong over the years. I question and argue the issue until I come to some sort of peace with it. The temple and garments are hard for me because I am committing to something-but I don’t know what I’m committing to-except garments. And for me that means committing to feeling bad about myself and my body for the rest of my life, or feeling bad about not keeping the promises I’ve made, or finally, feeling bad that my future family is not sealed. The tops are much easier for me, (although I still don’t like them because my shoulders are my favorite body part.) but the bottoms play into my body image way too much. When I look at myself in the mirror in them I see a fat, thick gross body. My legs are my trouble areas. Since the mental impact of eating disorders are never “cured” I am so scared I’ll fall back into that. My fiance is ok with me wearing the tops and him wearing the bottoms and since we are “one” we can rationalize that we are wearing them everyday. I actually prayed about just wearing the tops and that’s the first time I’ve felt peace about going to the temple. I felt like it was important that I go, even if I never wore my garments again. So, technically I have my answer…but then it’s hard for me, having been the strong one my whole life to suddenly become the “luke warm Mormon” overnight. So I still feel conflicted. I almost feel like God is more ok with what I might do (or not do) than I am.
Second, this whole situation is making me question the core of my beliefs. When I said that I believe in the book of Mormon and the power of the priesthood it was because that’s what I’m sure I believe in (As far as Mormonism goes.). But this is making me question almost everything else. I don’t believe that garments need to be what they are. If they did they would not have changed since they were originally made. So to me, the thought of feeling unattractive for the rest of my life because someone decided that our symbol of commitment should be (mens) underwear-it just doesn’t hold up. That thought process is causing me to question the other things that I have issues with, and I just wonder how Mormon I really want to be. It’s also hard for me because I am SUCH and open person, but if I want to stay active in the church I almost feel like I need to keep my questions and concerns to myself.
Third, I have never been a fan (although I appreciate the comments and thought) of the whole “wear regular underwear when you want to feel sexy/have sex” thing. Is it bad that as a woman I would like to feel sexy everyday, and not just when I’m having sex? No one even sees them right now, but it still helps me feel sexy everyday when I put on my cute underwear. Maybe this is shallow, but it’s honest.
Bridget_Night, can I ask you what your experience has been like with choosing not to wear them anymore?
Quote:HSAB you asked: Bridget_Night, can I ask you what your experience has been like with choosing not to wear them anymore? Because my husband and I no longer believe the lds church is the one and only true church (we never got the witness of the BofM or temple work) we do not believe it is necessary for us to wear garments. We do believe there are many good teachings in the lds church though and live by them.
I used to have a fear that if you did not wear them you would not be protected in accidents etc. It was strange and a bit guilt feelings when you first stop wearing them. But, it did not take long to realize that God loves and protects us no matter what. God truly looketh upon our hearts and sincerity and our relationship with God did not change.
“Is it bad that as a woman I would like to feel sexy everyday” Of course not! Of course, feeling sexy while I’m at work doesn’t do me much good, so garments are fine for me most of the time. I definitely disliked them at first, but they do become very comfortable eventually, at least for lounging around in. But honestly, the church is there as a vehicle to help you develop your own relationship with your Saviour. I wouldn’t throw out the baby (the gospel and the support the church will give you and your husband as you raise your family and go through your marriage) with the bathwater (unsexy ceremonial clothing that you wear to remind you of your covenants – you don’t actually covenant how you will wear it, but you are instructed to wear it). Let me give you a few positives about garments:
– as previously mentioned, no VPL
– it does work for many couples as a visible reminder of their marriage commitment
– your clothes take less wear and tear – it really does preserve them much longer, believe it or not
You may want to try different fabrics. Under pants I like the 3/4 length drysilque fabric because they leave no seams showing. Tops I prefer the camisole neck tall length (tucks in better). I hate the cotton ones. Many love the carinessa which is more form fitting and gives you a light “spanx” effect on the bottom half. I just can’t wear them where I live as it’s too hot & humid.
HSAB wrote:The tops are much easier for me, (although I still don’t like them because my shoulders are my favorite body part.) but the bottoms play into my body image way too much. When I look at myself in the mirror in them I see a fat, thick gross body. My legs are my trouble areas. Since the mental impact of eating disorders are never “cured” I am so scared I’ll fall back into that.
I know so little about eating disorders, but I was reading an article the other day that was discussing them. The doctor that was being interviewed said that having an eating disorder was not primarily a personal choice nor was it primarily due to upbringing (nurture) but had more to do with brain wiring with the others playing contributing roles. I remember this because I am continually surprised at things that I used to assume were results of personal decisions and now I’m finding out that it’s not that simple. The doctor continued that you can’t talk someone out of an eating disorder and that talk therapy is often insufficient, but that the brain needs to learn alternate ways of doing things/different coping mechanisms.
My point, HSAB, is that for you wearing the garments may be akin to asking an alcoholic to wear a 40 oz. bottle of Jack Daniels around the neck. Does that analogy seem to fit? Am I correct in this line of thinking?
If this is correct then the garments are not the real problem – the eating disorder is and the garment is merely a trigger. Unfortunately, it is a problem that you get to live with for the rest of your life and no amount of explanation about garments is going to make them less of a trigger.
It sounds like you have an honest relationship with your Fiancé. That is important. Whatever the two of you decide upon together, I believe that it will be the right choice and that our loving Heavenly Father (who knows you and loves you completely) will back your play.
If they are a legitimate trigger for a disorder, obivously you should continue to work on overcoming the disorder – but how about “individual adaptation”? Maybe you could put them on for 15-30 minutes every day and night as a token of your commitment to your covenants – taking them off afterward and not focusing on looking at yourself while you’re wearing them. Maybe you could wear them to church each week specifically as part of your worship attire and not throughout the rest of the week.
I’m not saying either of those options is “the answer” – but if the letter of the law is destructive it’s possible to maintain the spirit of the law with a little sincere creativity.
If you do something like that, don’t feel compelled to explain it to anyone else. It’s none of their business, so don’t borrow trouble where you don’t have to do so.
I am of the opinion that garments should never be worn again by anyone. If there was one thing in the church I could make go away this would be at the top of my list. Yes, absolutely. For me, I have to just work out once a day as part of my routine, not have a scale in my house (right now I do, but I keep the battery in my car so it’s a lot of effort to get to it.) and I can’t wear anything that makes me feel fat at all. Those are my coping tools. Being sick is really difficult for me, I feel fat everyday I don’t work out even if I’m not eating much. I love that comparison, it’s really true. I have a few other friends who have been going through similar things. They just feel guilty every day. One friend told me she spends hours trying to find clothes she feels good in over her garments and then feels guilty that she’s not spending time with her baby. I think that it’s really hard for people to understand that it has so much more to do with how we feel than what we actually look like. After talking with them I just started thinking that there must be some other way, or some other symbol because a loving heavenly father wouldn’t want us to feel that way for the rest of our lives.
I’m feeling a lot better about only wearing the tops, but I do still worry about the judgement of others. I don’t want to explain to everyone, but I don’t like pretending to do something that I’m not. I guess I need to get a thicker skin and just deal with the judgement. ( The VPL can be a scandal at church
I know I’ve said this a lot I am really glad I came to this website!
Everyone else already gave such great advice. I hope it is helping to talk about all this in a constructive environment. I would like to invoke a story from the New Testament that comes to mind:
Quote:One Sabbath Jesus was going through the grainfields, and as his disciples walked along, they began to pick some heads of grain. The Pharisees said to him, “Look, why are they doing what is unlawful on the Sabbath?”
He answered, “Have you never read what David did when he and his companions were hungry and in need? In the days of Abiathar the high priest, he entered the house of God and ate the consecrated bread, which is lawful only for priests to eat. And he also gave some to his companions.”
Then he said to them,
“The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.So the Son of Man is Lord even of the Sabbath.” Here was a story of Jesus and his disciples violating other people’s
understandingof their religious law. Jesus referenced a story even more shocking — the story of King David eating the temple bread due to extreme need. This was all in the effort to teach a point, the last line of the passage, which was these practices (like wearing garments) are made for OUR benefit. The benefit as far far more important than the observance. And if someone is suffering worse damage attempting to gain a lesser benefit, the actions need to be reconsidered. I really love Ray’s (and others) attempt to suggest alternatives. Bottom line though in my opinion is that you should not engage in a religious observance if it will cause you health problems (including severe mental health problems). It would be great to continue working on adaptation or slowly working your way into more full observance. But
YOUare more important than the garments. Fortunately also, it sounds like your fiance’ is very understanding. Do what is best for you, and for your faith. Sending yourself spiraling into mental crisis will not help your faith in the long run. Do the best you can. After that, it’s enough. It really is. I hope you can find peace in that self acceptance and the love of the Lord.
I’ve been struggling with the whole garment issue as well. I truly don’t see the point in them and have a few other things I don’t believe 100% in. However, my husband and I haven’t felt comfortable telling anyone of our latest beliefs. So what I’ve been doing is wearing normal underwear on days where I don’t think I’ll run into church members or family and then wearing garment when I know i’ll see them. I don’t like doing this but feel I don’t have much of an option since I don’t want to come out about all my doubts of the church. It’s not the perfect solution and everyday I debate telling my family but have yet to do it. Part of me wants to say,” I’m struggling with my faith in the church but appreciate the social aspect and focus on families and moral values. For now the best i can do is just attend church and not be a temple recommend holder anymore. Please love me anyways.” maybe one day I can be more honest. I wish you the best of luck trying to find something that works for you.
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