- This topic is empty.
-
Posts
-
Hi Everyone, My name is Kyle, if you couldn’t tell from my screen name. I’m 25 and live in Salt Lake City. I’m a convert to the Church, from the pentecostal religion of all places, and joined back in 2005.
I’ll be honest, before I joined the Church, I investigated everything I could find on it, both for and against the Church. I was what is sometimes referred to as a golden investigator. I am also gay. I was actually referred to this site through my room mate who is also struggling to stay in the Church, as we find many of our mutual friends either leaving the Church all together, or finding other methods of spirituality that work for them.
I think things began to fall apart for me when President Hinckley died. I’ve never really liked President Monson to be honest, although he’s growing on me now, because I’ve always felt him to be kind of cold. I don’t even have a testimony at the moment as to whether or not he’s a prophet, but that’s not the reason I’m here. I’m here because I’m looking for help/support/a place to vent just like the rest of you, about the everyday problems we encounter being Mormons, from things as simple as going to Church every Sunday, to struggling with our scripture study, to things as major as whether or not the BOM is true or JS is a prophet, etc. Here’s my story and the main reason I’m here. I’ve decided that after not going to Church for 8 months (my longest ever) that I want to go again. The problem is, is that I am usually fine going to Church for maybe 3-4 months, and then I don’t know if I’m the only one this happens to, but I hit this burnout stage where it takes everything I can to get up on Sunday morning and go.
I can’t seem to resolve the conflict of gay and Mormon. For me I always feel like I need to make a choice, and it’s either all or nothing for me. You can be gay or you can be Mormon, but you can’t be both. Another thing, I love going to the temple, although I don’t have a recommend right now, and have only ever had a limited use recommend. So like I said, I hit this burnout stage where it takes everything I can to go, and because I don’t have the stamina to keep going, I just stop. Things fell apart for me as well when Proposition 8 passed, but I LOVE the Church. It’s one of the best things that’s ever happened to me, and no matter what I do, I just can never seem to leave it alone.
For me, it’s always this all or nothing attitude. Either I go to Church and carry a temple recommend and read my scriptures, go to the temple, do family history work, have my own family home evenings (I’m single), pray, fast, I mean the list just goes on and on, or I don’t have anything to do with the Church at all and do nothing and go out and be gay. Mind you, I don’t mind being gay at all, and I don’t hate myself, I just want to find that balance where I can be a faithful Church member who carries a temple recommend and uses it (complicated I know), and is happy in the Church.
Another thing, I am also a Freemason, so I am aware of the connections between the Endowment Ceremony and Freemasonry. That doesn’t bother me, in fact I WANT to get my endowment so that I can have the experience. It just seems like a big huge goal, and eventually because of the burn out thing, or feeling like I have to be perfect, I just give up on it for a while and then go back to the Church after a few months and start all over again. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Well, I must be crazy because I keep doing the same thing over and over, and frankly, it’s exhausting. It seems like all the others in my ward are perfect, which I know is a bunch of crap, but just the fact that they make it seem to be so easy makes me feel like I’m not quite good enough and I never can measure up, or I’m doing something wrong. I want to stop this cycle of going/not going to Church, and just consistently go to Church. It’s my goal to get my endowment, however I do sort of have a “Church Handbook of Instructions” bishop who knows I’m gay, and I don’t think he has a problem giving me a limited use recommend, but he does have one giving me a full recommend.
Am I the only person out there who struggles with this, and has this stupid circle? Everyone can’t be as perfect as they look at Church right? What happened to trying to live and act as Christ did, as it seems most of the people in my ward have missed the point completely of LOVE.?
Anyways, I’m here and I’m rambling. Thanks for taking the time to listen and hope to be able to provide some insight for others as well as find insight for myself.
Welcome, Kyle. I don’t have time for an extended response right now, but I wanted to welcome you. [Just so you know, I edited your introduction ONLY to add paragraphs. (Dude, it was really tough to read one long block of words.
Thanks man. No worries about the editing! Welcome Kyle! kmullin211984 wrote:Am I the only person out there who struggles with this, and has this stupid circle? Everyone can’t be as perfect as they look at Church right?
They’re not that perfect. Some are comfortable with their self (as imperfect), and some aren’t. You are definitely not the only one that struggles with cycles of activity. Many people here at this site talk about that. I tend to go more in longer cycles of taking a couple years off, then being really active. I have been pretty active the past 6 years or so, going to church most of the time. I enjoy it a lot more after having come to terms with my relationship with the church, and having gone through a crisis of faith. I am there because I want to be there, no longer because I felt like I had to be there.
Being gay and staying active in the church is a tough road. I wish wish wish our church could get their hearts wrapped around this issue better. It will take time to turn the huge ship of our very conservative culture, but I think it will change. I was REALLY encouraged and happy when I saw this BRAVE profile on the church’s recent Mormon.org PR site. It was a profile of an active and gay member of the church — on an OFFICIAL church website. Bravo! Perhaps the tent got a little bit bigger.
http://www.mormon.org/me/1GPP-eng/Daniel kmullin211984 wrote:Anyways, I’m here and I’m rambling. Thanks for taking the time to listen and hope to be able to provide some insight for others as well as find insight for myself.
I enjoyed hearing your story. Every one is unique and fascinating. Glad to have you along for the ride with us.
Welcome Kyle, I am very interested in your point of view. I understand the burden of all or nothing. I feel the same and I’m a “born in the covenant” girl. Sometimes I feel like “why bother” I’ll never make it anyway and then I realize that I’m missing the point. I go along fine for awhile and then I burn out again. I do continue going to church because I have 4 kids that I’m trying to raise and I want to be a good example to them, but sometimes I just want to quit. I don’t have any advice for you. I just wanted you to feel welcome here!!! I hope you feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and opinions.
Hello Kyle, Thanks for posting and for your great introduction. Your story is very important, your story and many others like yours need to be told and heard. So I hope (and if I could beg I would) that you continue to post here throughout your spiritual journey. IMHO the questions you are asking are really questions we all should be asking. I am looking forward to hearing the 5 hour interview of Carol Lynn Pearson on Mormon Stories Podcast. Perhaps this may be a source of comfort or insight for you.
All the best!
Welcome you sure bring a interesting group of issues. I have a bad habit of telling everyone how to resolve their problems. I will try not to do that here. Welcome welcome. Welcome, Kyle! This site is the best for working out so many issues of intellectual and spiritual import. It’s a blast! And super-constructive. I would say, just keep participating, it will be worth it. I don’t know where you are based, but I believe in Utah, there are some LDS sects set up specifically for gay people. These could be an option for you. I’ll probably be frowned upon for saying this, but you should look them up. As the resident expert on sects and schisms, there have been five (5) LDS groups over the years which organized specifically for gays and lesbians. Two of them (both Salt Lake based) continue to exist. Also, AFFIRMATION, GAY AND LESBIAN MORMONS, is a social network that has tried to establish real dialogue with the church for several decades. It has chapters in many cities, even outside the USA. The Los Angeles chapter of AFFIRMATION once had several recognized LDS actors attending. A friend once reasoned that even if the LDS church were to accept gays into full fellowship, you would have to decide individually whether or not you wanted to go back to the church. He thought the AFFIRMATION gatherings were far more fun than normal Sundays at the ward house. Welcome, Kyle. We all might have different issues in this group, but we all love each other as true brothers and sisters here, regardless of orientation, or thoughts on the issues. I can’t imagine how difficult life must be for you inside the Church as a gay man, but know that you have friends among us who are sympathetic to your cause.
Welcome Kyle. I’ll be blunt and simply say that, while I love the church like everyone else here, I believe they are currently holding to an incorrect and man/culture/tradition driven policy toward gays. I have found comfort in carving out a testimony that works for me while at the same time feeling it has been accepted by the Lord. Best of luck to you and again welcome.
It’s great to have you here Kyle. Welcome. I look forward to learning from your posts as you share your experiences with the board! welcome! so glad you decided to join us here! i know what you mean about some Sundays hardly being able to get to church in the morning. maybe you’re already doing this, but i do find that cutting back from 3 hours of church on sundays helps me. one week i’ll go to sacrament meeting, and sunday school (i teach the 9 year olds, so basically have to be there for that one) but will skip the last hour. or skip the first hour, and just go the last two. some weeks i just make it to SS to teach my class and then leave. it helps keep me connected, but doesn’t drain me like the full three hours can. Thanks everyone for your love and support. I’ll be sure to post here as my spiritual journey continues, regardless of where it may take me. Kyle
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.