Getting past the hope

[Always Thinking]

How long did it take you all to get past the point of hoping the church can still be what it used to be for you? I find myself still easily frustrated by things the authorities say or things I learn about the church or things members say that are outright wrong or rude. It still gets me all fired up often. It’s only been a year since my faith crisis really started so I know it hasn’t been that long, but just curious how long it may take. I think part of the problem is there is still part of me that wants the church to be what it used to be for me. I think it makes me angry and riled up when I am reminded that the church still isn’t what I used to think it was because I really wish it was. If any of you have gotten past this and have come to better terms with the churches failings, how long did it take? Or if something helped speed it along, what was it?

[Anonymous]

The Santa Claus analogy mostly applies, but I do sometimes still wish things were like they were pre-FC and I could still just believe. Alas, like Santa I can still believe but not in the same way. For the most part I have given up hope of returning to that kind of belief, but it does pop up every now and again. Everybody is different, so your timeline and level of belief are going to be different.

[Anonymous]

Always Thinking wrote:

How long did it take you all to get past the point of hoping the church can still be what it used to be for you? I find myself still easily frustrated by things the authorities say or things I learn about the church or things members say that are outright wrong or rude. It still gets me all fired up often. It’s only been a year since my faith crisis really started so I know it hasn’t been that long, but just curious how long it may take.

This is probably not comforting, but for me, getting past the hope that the church could have the same role in my life as it had pre-crisis didn’t make it any easier to get over things authorities or members say. I try to treat them the same way you treat rude people on the mission: ignore them and walk away. If a lesson or talk gets really bad, I’ll disengage, possibly even leave the room, and seek a spiritual experience on my own.

Someone else probably has better advice.

[Anonymous]

I think it took me two to three years. I slowly moved further and further out of the mainstream in our Ward as I did so, even going to a different Ward, which actually helped. As a boundary hopper, the new Ward could not give me a calling (which was kind of therapeutic to me, seeing them have to live up to their own rules, much to their own chagrin), and so I helped out with little things here and there, with low expectations (and fellowship) from the Ward.

This led me to find new hope in other community related activities in other secular, service-oriented organizations. At that point, I found joy in serving in less rule-ridden capacities. I also saw how much better church members are at relationships than the people in a couple non-profits I joined.

As time wore on, I stopped believing I was doing anything wrong in lessening my involvement, and found much happiness in activities that bring me quite a bit of joy. This is like an anesthetic to the disappointment I felt about the church. It’s like finding a new girlfriend. You are still friends with the one that broke your heart, but you have one you love that treats you much better.

[Anonymous]

Always Thinking wrote:

How long did it take you all to get past the point of hoping the church can still be what it used to be for you?

Not very long. As mind-blowing as the beginning of my faith crisis was, I let go of the old me pretty quickly.

This random quote helped me a lot:

Quote:

We are like sailors who must rebuild their ship on the open sea, never able to dismantle it in dry-dock and to reconstruct it there out of the best materials. Where a beam is taken away a new one must at once be put there, and for this the rest of the ship is used as support. In this way, by using the old beams and driftwood the ship can be shaped entirely anew, but only by gradual reconstruction.

I also highly recommend Thomas Wirthlin McConkie’s book, “Navigating a Mormon Faith Crisis,” a terrible, boring name for a book that clarified so much about going from a child —> adult of God.

But how long did it take me to stop hoping that the church will change … enough for me? I think I’m almost there, at about five years in, and it kind of breaks my heart.

[Anonymous]

How long did it take?

It’s going to be different for everyone. I know, I know, that doesn’t help at all but there are some people that turn things around relatively quickly and there are some people that take a decade. The good news, or maybe bad news depending on how you look at it, is that it’s not a race. Potentially bad news because I know from experience that there can be a strong desire to muscle through this phase as quickly as you possibly can.

I like Ann’s analogy of the boat. We replace the boards in the boat one by one, starting with the ones that we feel merit the most attention and continuing from there. At what point can we step back and say, “this is a now a new/different boat?” Another analogy is painting the golden gate bridge. There isn’t a large undertaking where the task of painting the bridge is completed and revisited years later when required, painting the bridge is a constant maintenance activity. There’s not really a point where you can say, “the bridge is painted.”

So I think it’s more of a transition along a gradient. Like (another analogy, I should quit , but this one comes from general conference ) turning on a light switch vs. a sunrise. It can be hard to see how much of the boat is new or, how much of the bridge is painted but after a few years go by you start to recognize the differences.

Or if something helped speed it along, what was it?

I had to learn (and am learning) to let go of my desires for many things. The need for a “true” church. The need to be validated/understood (toughie). The desire to see the church change (an important one IMO). The desire to feel like I was valued by my community, usually expressed by hoping I’d get an important calling. The desire to be “saved.” The desire for church leaders to refrain from saying things that hurt people while serving in their official capacity. etc.

Not all of those desires are negative things but I feel like letting some of those things go might help me be more patient as change takes place over generations. Going back to the boat analogy. Maybe I can still have those desires but my old desires are replaced with similar, better desires as necessary. E.g. I desire to be able to shoulder some of the blow when church leaders say things that hurt people.

This is getting long but finally:

The thing that helped me the most was framing my transition as being a net positive. Sure the transition away was difficult, unwanted, and introduced lots of despair into my life… but I can look back and see how it was a change for the better. I developed a greater empathy than I ever thought possible and I believe that empathy is a godlike quality. I no longer echo the things that I now feel are wrong or rude. I hate to say this because it sounds ultra judgmental but now my personal spiritual progress is no longer constrained by church failings/limitations. Perhaps a better way of putting it is that I am now free to grow beyond the limits of our dogma.

Disclaimer. I ain’t saying that I’m perfect or better than the church or its teachings. There’s still a lot of growth I can be doing in the church. I can take the best of the church to inspire me to be better but not feel obligated to incorporate everything that I find at church (including things I may feel are bad for me) into my life.

The scriptures say we are agents unto ourselves and the power is in us. I feel these sorts of transitions help us do just that. This is a good thing.

[Anonymous]

I would say it took about a year of lots of reading to finally get perspective of things outside the church, and how many others think similar things…for me to finally take a breathe and relax and realize the church was never going to go back to being what it was to me because it never was that to begin with…I just thought it was. Now I can’t unthink the way I see it. So…the next logical step was…move forward defining it as it should be for me.

That meant I moved towards painting the bridge, like nibbler said, and that process hasn’t stopped since. But I’m glad I allowed myself to break from the past, so I could see things in a better light, in a way that is meaningful to me…because that is what it is supposed to be…meaningful and helpful. It isn’t about getting the “right answer” on which church is true…it’s getting some answers from the church’s truth.

I would never want to go back to High School just because I see things better now, even if I wanted to go back and be more productive and social with my current view of life. High school is done. That period of my life has passed. It is part of me, but doesn’t define me.

I don’t go back…I move forward.

Letting go of trying to make things the way you want it to be is a good first step. Accept things as they are, and be at peace with it.

[Anonymous]

Always Thinking wrote:

How long did it take you all to get past the point of hoping the church can still be what it used to be for you? I find myself still easily frustrated by things the authorities say or things I learn about the church or things members say that are outright wrong or rude.

I usually work on Sundays. Last Sunday I was off and attended the 3 hour block. SS was particularly painful for me. It was all about the BoM, the translation, and the lost 116 pages. It was frustrating because the “history” presented was so cherry picked, exaggerated, and full of holes.

So I have decided that SS might not be a good meeting for me to attend. Maybe I can sit out in the foyer or something. I do not seem to have this problem in SM (the format does not invite audience participation) or Priesthood (We are usually talking about a gospel topic from those presidents of the church manuals and not church history) and so it is a fairly easy thing for me to identify what my trigger is and avoid it.

I actually get along quite well will my Mormon Brothers and Sisters when we are not talking about certain topics. My faith crisis was about 7 years ago – so it is not as though I ever just became numb to what I consider to be misinformation.

[Anonymous]

Since there was never a time in my life that I truly fit in as a “normal” member, I haven’t had a deep emotional investment broken – and I am pragmatic enough to realize it might never be what I hope it becomes. For me, there is nothing to “get over”, since I have had to accept my heterodox position within it all my life (from before I was baptized at age .

[Anonymous]

Heber13 wrote:

… and realize the church was never going to go back to being what it was to me because it never was that to begin with…I just thought it was. Now I can’t unthink the way I see it. So…the next logical step was…move forward defining it as it should be for me.

This was pretty instantaneous for me as part of the fallout of realizing that nothing was the way I had originally perceived and processed it. On some level, it was helpful to be watching “The Good Place” roughly concurrently with my faith transition. The option of turning towards charitable humanitarianism (being the best self possible) was helpful while navigating the levels where my “heaven” turned to “hell” and vice versa (and in between).

Heber13 wrote:

That meant I moved towards painting the bridge, like nibbler said, and that process hasn’t stopped since. But I’m glad I allowed myself to break from the past, so I could see things in a better light, in a way that is meaningful to me…because that is what it is supposed to be…meaningful and helpful. It isn’t about getting the “right answer” on which church is true…it’s getting some answers from the church’s truth.

I say frequently that I don’t have the “right answer” – I don’t even have the “right questions” yet. But life marches on anyways. But one thing that I keep coming back to is “what do I do about the truth(s) I hope I already have?” In a sense, I focus on “putting my money where my mouth is” and trying to make better choices towards becoming a better version of myself. I really believe and strive to act on the principle of Charity.

Heber13 wrote:

I would never want to go back to High School just because I see things better now, even if I wanted to go back and be more productive and social with my current view of life. High school is done. That period of my life has passed. It is part of me, but doesn’t define me.

I don’t go back…I move forward.

Letting go of trying to make things the way you want it to be is a good first step. Accept things as they are, and be at peace with it.

I move sideways:)

Enjoy the peace as it comes along. It is like the chocolate chips buried in the chocolate chip cookie of life.

[Anonymous]

For me, it was almost immediate. The Church simply isn’t what I thought it was. It can’t be what I once took it to be. No amount of policy change, “restoration” or “revelation” can change that.

Maybe I’ve interpreted the evidence I’ve been given wrong, but I gave the benefit of the doubt to the Church for as long as I could. But there came a time when the evidence had piled up, and I was forced to reassess and pass judgement. Isn’t that what the Church tells you to do? Find out for yourself? Judge it’s truthfulness? My conclusion, beyond any reasonable doubt, was not in the Church’s favor.

And then I had answer the question, “Now what?”. I’m still trying to figure that one out.

[Anonymous]

Always Thinking wrote:

How long did it take you all to get past the point of hoping the church can still be what it used to be for you? I find myself still easily frustrated by things the authorities say or things I learn about the church or things members say that are outright wrong or rude. It still gets me all fired up often. It’s only been a year since my faith crisis really started so I know it hasn’t been that long, but just curious how long it may take. I think part of the problem is there is still part of me that wants the church to be what it used to be for me. I think it makes me angry and riled up when I am reminded that the church still isn’t what I used to think it was because I really wish it was. If any of you have gotten past this and have come to better terms with the churches failings, how long did it take? Or if something helped speed it along, what was it?

To me it was a slow burn. It started with some traumatic events that threw me into questioning, but then I recovered. Then another one happened, and I relapsed hard — for years — kind of out of protest and a sense of injustice, rather than a lack of faith. Then another, and another, until eventually I couldn’t take it anymore. It was the latter two punches where I lost hope, I think. Real life intent to harm from other church members, coupled with leader indifference in that situation, and in a situation where I was completely burned out were the last straw. Then I found this place, and sent myself on a path to peace again. It was never about hope of returning to my former TBM state — it was about finding peace, navigating questions from my children, keeping wife happy, dealing with temple weddings, and so on.

I think repeated exposure to the things that irritate you will be the hastening event. But don’t let it completely derail you — there is a lot of stuff going on that’s good in the church, even as a purely temporal organization, so don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater.

If you’re like me, there might even be times when you enjoy being able to walk to the tightrope.

[Author]

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