Giving a child permission to leave

[Anonymous]

Roy wrote:

I made a determination that my daughter is part of our eternal family because I say that she is.

Reuben and Mrs. R. – This is my sentiment also about your daughter. I don’t ascribe bad motives to church leaders or dismiss them out of hand, but I just don’t privilege their thoughts over my own anymore.

I see our friends, a recently-serving stake president and his wife with a gay son, who include him in everything in a very genuine, and apparently stress-free way. I’ve never heard them qualify or fret when they attended his wedding. I admire them and so many take their clues from them. I hope all goes well with your daughter and she’s able to take the time to know herself on this.

[Anonymous]

All the law and the prophets hung on love – so make sure she knows you love her no matter what path she chooses. My inactive son is an adult, and I refuse to try to tell him what to do. It is his worship according to his conscience. Different situations: same core approach.

In cases like this, I try not to make it more complicated than it has to be. It is complicated enough on its own.

[Anonymous]

Old Timer wrote:

In cases like this, I try not to make it more complicated than it has to be. It is complicated enough on its own.

That’s pretty much how it went down. It wasn’t complicated.

She’s decided to stay in for now, which is probably good. Her religious identity is more important than her sexual identity at this point. She’s not in possession of all the relevant facts yet, either about her own sexuality or the available data on mixed-orientation marriages and voluntary celibacy. I guess the next thing is to determine whether to bring them up, and if so, when.

Thank you, everyone, for all your great ideas.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for sharing all of that. It was good to read this thread.

I think the point was made, but my input was just to always love them as a parent and let them work out life to find themselves and their place in the world and find happiness. In or out of the church doesn’t matter to me. I just want my kids to find things in life that help them find joy.

The eternal family stuff will work itself out in the eternities. If I have to err, I err on the side of love and acceptance. Or at least, I try best I can.

But even if I feel that way internally doesnt’ mean my kids won’t put a lot of pressure and stress on themselves for letting me down or others, so it is important to verbalize it to them in ways that help them strive to be their best, but always know as a parent I love and support them. They need to hear it. And often.

[Anonymous]

In a way, I don’t see this as tricky if you give her the option to leave. It’s staying that is hard. If you give her the option to leave, then it’s clear where she stands to others. Her life is simpler because she can express her own sexual desires with another woman (hopefully in a committed relationship, though). And she doesn’t have to hide who she is….

I would hesitate to say “we give you our blessing to leave the church”. My thought would be — we will love you no matter what decisions you make regarding your sexuality and your relationship with the church. Leave it to her to figure out what that relationship is. Now, if she decides to stay, that is tricky. Very tricky.

Also, even though she is a mature 17, I have heard of my daughter’s friends having a certain amount of confusion about their sexuality. You will know best whether her sexual orientation is established or not, but I wouldn’t encourage same sex relationships, only accept them when they manifest themselves if you think she is simply learning to understand herself at this point.

I know many teenagers who have a period if they wonder if they are gay or not. Some come through it decidedly not gay, and others come through it knowing they are gay.

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