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Hello everyone! I’ve been lurking for months, but I think I’m finally ready to join in the conversation. A few things about me: I’m BIC, life-long member. I was everything a Mormon girl should be–seminary grad, young womanhood recognition award, EFY counselor, church school graduate. I’m recently married to the love of my life. He is truly the most understanding person I’ve ever known. I’m so lucky to have his support as I navigate this dark path. He is a recent convert and very open-minded, so we are treading softly and slowly as we journey down this unknown and frightening path. My faith crisis started years ago—I just didn’t realize it. My parents have spent a decade fighting over a small WoW issue. Judging, harsh words, and fear of not making it into the celestial kingdom together has created extreme familial discord for years. One night was watching the “And I’m a Mormon” ads on youtube because I like them. I was just clicking the suggested videos on the sidebar to watch the next one. Well, I clicked one that featured a wife and she was talking about her family judging each other so much that they forgot to love each other. Before I knew it I had tears streaming down my cheeks. It wasn’t until halfway through that I looked at the title and realized that it was an ex-mormon ad. It was like a train wreck that I couldn’t stop watching. That night was when I questioned the veracity of the church for the first time. Since then I’ve been guilty of what many others have been guilty of—thinking a little too much and worse—Google. A few websites opened up a whole world of church issues that I had never know before. I’ve spent the past year reading, reading, and reading some more. I’ve read a few essays, but I’ve mostly been reading stories of other LDS people going through a faith crisis. I’ve tried to sift truth from lies and I spend hours upon hours looking at the issues from both sides.
My faith crisis has been one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. I don’t know which way is up or down. Sometimes I feel happy and free that I am now choosing to define my beliefs on my own terms and other times I feel guilty and horrible and like the biggest apostate that is going to be struck down for my free-thinking. I miss the security believing in the absolutes of the gospel.
So here I am looking for some support. I’m so grateful to the administrators for creating a safe haven for the broken hearted. Telling my family about any of this would break their hearts, so for now I get to press on. Thanks for reading.
Welcome to the site! I think an important way to understand this is that it’s very similar to when we grow up and leave home. We realize for the first time that we are solely responsible for our actions, our beliefs, our identity, and we also see our home life with fresh eyes, the objective view of an outsider. But that doesn’t mean that we have to throw it all out either. I think we respect our heritage when we find our own path and don’t idealize it to the point that it is unrecognizable and unrealistic and unsustainable. We believe in something we imagined to exist. The trick is to set aside the church mentally and figure out what we really believe personally. Cut out the middle man. Then we can rebuild our relationship with the church on solid ground. hawkgrrrl wrote:The trick is to set aside the church mentally and figure out what we really believe personally. Cut out the middle man. Then we can rebuild our relationship with the church on solid ground.
That’s it right there. When I did what Hawk prescribes above, things started turning for me. I found myself posting here to discuss a whole range of issues from tithing, to leader inspiration, to garments, and “duty” etcetera. And out of that came my own way within the church. I am in the church, but not OF the church.
When you realize what you really think, and start living it, it’s authentic and liberating. It’s led me to my own path right now. There IS tension with your church experience, though, but there are ways to minimize that.
Welcome, looking forward to your posts.
MissEyre wrote:I’m so grateful to the administrators for creating a safe haven for the broken hearted.
I often describe my crisis of faith as a time when my heart was broken. I still feel broken hearted at times. Welcome, this is the safe harbor you seek. I agree with all that Hawk & SD have said to you, and I hope you find much more good advice here as you continue your journey to find your own way.
Welcome. I’m glad you found us and hope we can continue to help – and be helped. Welcome, MissEyre, I have found it comforting to know that others have such similar feelings. And many others navigate through it. Some leave the church, some stay in the church. There are paths for both, depending on what the individual needs in their life, for various circumstances.
Its amazing at first to become aware of these things…as if it was a big secret, and you need to tell everyone else about it, because surely others are just unaware.
But actually, many people are aware. Many are not.
It is an interesting thing to experience when it shakes your world view so drastically.
Most importantly, just know that you are among others with these feelings and doubts, and that it is survivable. But there are not often clear cut easy answers or silver bullets that prove the church is all true or it is all a hoax. There just isn’t. Religion involves faith. Faith involves knowledge. You are coming across new knowledge, and it will impact your faith, but does not need to destroy it. It takes time and requires some rebuilding, but it is survivable.
Welcome to the group. Search the archives and post on older threads if you wish, or start some new ones. I look forward to learning from your posts.
Quote:Its amazing at first to become aware of these things…as if it was a big secret, and you need to tell everyone else about it, because surely others are just unaware. But actually, many people are aware. Many are not.
I had the weirdest experience last week in Utah County. I was there taking my son to college. I overheard people having this same conversation time and time again. It was really strange. Two people would be talking, and one would be talking about how they had doubts but couldn’t tell people because they wouldn’t understand so they were a closet doubter. They read some stuff, they were on line, they did some research, or they just had life experiences. They were agnostic, atheist or just had doubts. I overheard conversations like this 3 times in less than a week.
hawkgrrrl wrote:I overheard conversations like this 3 times in less than a week.
I was just in Utah County as my daughter was starting college. She chose to go to UVU, because she didn’t want the BYU environment.
She had the same discussions with people her first week, and was amazed at how people were talking about these things. I told her even if she went to BYU, she’d find the same thing, there are young people reading and thinking about a lot of this.
But it made me still kind of sad that the general feeling was repeated by people she was making friends with…and that was that it still wasn’t safe to talk about in church with anyone.
Closet doubters are out there. Even ones that go to church regularly.
MissEyre wrote:It wasn’t until halfway through that I looked at the title and realized that it was an ex-mormon ad.
It seems people will stumble across stuff pretty easily nowadays.
Welcome, MissEyre. You’ve already received great advice on this thread, and I concur whole-heartedly. MissEyre wrote:Telling my family about any of this would break their hearts, so for now I get to press on.
I encourage you not to put your family’s happiness on your shoulders. I had that same feeling years ago and it led to an impossible maze (and then to depression). I understand what you are saying, believe me. But think of it a little differently, and you might find it more workable.I is likely true that if you said to your family, “I don’t believe the church is true and it is bad and people in it are going to hell”, then, yeah, that would probably hurt them.
If instead you say something like, “I find that my faith is changing. I still believe in God and in doing good. I am still the same person you raised. I don’t agree with everything the Church teaches anymore, and I’m finding my own way now, but I do support you in the Church and I do believe there is good in the Church.” Then what you might find is more akin to surprise than hurt.
So, the trick for now, like hawkgrrrl says, is to figure out what YOU believe. Use the Church as a framework for your spirituality if it helps you, but don’t treat yourself like you are married to the Church and are being unfaithful to it.
I look forward to hearing from you on these forums and I wish you the best in your way-ahead.
Thank you all so much for your warm welcome and insights. You’ve given me much to think about. For the time being, I’m happy to include myself among the faithful doubters. I looking forward to learning from you all! Fwiw, I’m not any kind of doubter. I’m a believer, by nature. It’s just that I believe what I believe, not necessarily what others believe. We have our doubters here and our believers, and the point is that we can get along (usually 
Old-Timer wrote:Fwiw, I’m not any kind of doubter. I’m a believer, by nature. It’s just that I believe what I believe, not necessarily what others believe. We have our doubters here and our believers, and the point is that we can get along (usually
), despite our differences. We just have to accept each other for who we are.
Great post, Ray. Actually, most of the discussion here is not centered around what we do or don’t believe, but rather how to live with our beliefs (or doubts).Welcome MissEyre! Glad you found us!! On Own Now wrote:Great post, Ray. Actually, most of the discussion here is not centered around what we do or don’t believe, but rather how to live with our beliefs (or doubts).
:thumbup: I find it healthy to allow myself to be myself. I have doubts AND I have beliefs. I don’t need to try to pretend I can know everything through the spirit. Fact is, some things we just don’t know, and won’t ever know in this life. Others can speculate what they want to build their story of this life…but truthfully, we don’t know. It feels good to just accept that instead of fight against doubts all the time.
Rene Descartes said:
Quote:If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things.
MissEyre wrote:My faith crisis has been one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. I don’t know which way is up or down. Sometimes I feel happy and free that I am now choosing to define my beliefs on my own terms and other times I feel guilty and horrible and like the biggest apostate that is going to be struck down for my free-thinking. I miss the security believing in the absolutes of the gospel.
So here I am looking for some support. I’m so grateful to the administrators for creating a safe haven for the broken hearted. Telling my family about any of this would break their hearts, so for now I get to press on. Thanks for reading.
Hi, MissEyre – I know the feeling and when I finally couldn’t hide my consternation from my husband any longer, those were the first words out of my mouth, “I’m heartbroken.” This
isa safe harbor. I come in here, pick up supplies, make repairs, get out of the weather. Every time I go back “out there” I am better equipped and more comfortable in my own thinking. Good luck.
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