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Sometimes when people are in angry stages, the advice is given to “go slow”. I wonder if we could discuss what that means to each of you.
Go Slow with what?
Does that mean being secret to others and have hidden agendas?
Why go slow vs. go out with guns blazing and hash out this stuff that makes you so angry? I mean…let’s work it out, right?
Maybe there is some clarity we can add to the advice of what Go Slow means and where it applies and what it looks like.
Have you benefited from going slow or not?
Thoughts?
I can see both sides of the argument. Going slow does smooth situations, makes life more pleasant, allows others to journey at their own pace. Not slow accelerates the learning curve and may serve as a personal pressure relief valve, but may leave a wake of destruction.
My personal experience is that being secretive causes massive trust problems. You’re already going to have trust problems because your spouse doesn’t know where you’ll “end up”. Don’t make it worse by being sneaky. I think “go slow” is more about keeping your mouth shut if you don’t have anything nice to say, and finding other things to talk about. Appreciate that your spouse needs time to adjust to the new you… which in most cases is simply that they realize, by watching your actions, that you are exactly the same person.
I don’t think going slow has anything to do with keeping secrets. I think it means not doing anything rash that you might regret later and taking time to examine your issues thoroughly. It would include not acting on emotion. Heber13 wrote:Go Slow with what?
First and foremost, go slow with ourselves. A faith crisis can be a time of great spiritual upheaval, a time where we may only define ourselves by what we no longer believe. It takes time to recalibrate, to find a new center (or to be at peace with no center). You can’t rush inner peace.
It’s probably a good idea to take things slow with other people as well. Once you say something you can never take it back.
Confiding in ecclesiastical authority appears to be a requisite step for many people in crisis. The me that would talk to a bishop mid-crisis ceased to exist a long time ago but that version of me can live on in the mind of the bishop for a very long time. To him I might
alwaysbe the person I was mid-crisis. The same goes for anyone we confide in. A faith crisis is a period of transition, it may be best to allow that transition to mature a bit before we go about advertising the new us. Heber13 wrote:Does that mean being secret to others and have hidden agendas?
I’m with DJ, I don’t think going slow has anything to do with keeping secrets.
Heber13 wrote:Why go slow vs. go out with guns blazing and hash out this stuff that makes you so angry? I mean…let’s work it out, right?
As with anything I believe there is a balance. You can go too slow and at times it is best to hash things out.
When I told DW about my faith crisis it wasn’t like I could say something like, “I think I’m losing faith in the church, I’ll tell you a little more about it in a week or so. How was your day?” For me taking things slow meant evaluating what I truly felt and considering what impact announcing my change in beliefs would have on DW. I tried to work through the emotions that I would feel if I were in her shoes. The slow approach led me to the conclusion that sure enough, I had to talk with DW. Up until reaching that conclusion I wasn’t keeping a secret, I was figuring things out for myself and trying to be considerate.
The talk itself had to take the form of hashing things out, that talk isn’t exactly something you can slow trickle in over time. There’s a balance. There’s a time to take things slow, figure out what’s going on, and there’s a time to hash things out, take actions we feel are necessary. That balance is entirely different for everyone and is something that has to be felt out.
I take the advice to take things slow as an introspective thing; something that is meant for me. Don’t jump to a conclusion, don’t burn any bridges, don’t write today’s thoughts and beliefs in stone, give a faith crisis some time to see where it’s taking me, etc.
Everyone else has said it so well, but “go slow” for me has meant not reacting at the same speed I feel acted upon. The lion’s share of my virtually blind trust in Joseph Smith, sanitized curriculum, and current leadership was washed away in one memorable day. That was – I’ve lost track – three or four years ago. Every day since has been a sort of experiment: Do I still think and feel the way I did that day? The answer to that question continues to interest me, so I keep going slow. The family and “tribe” issues are huge, too. I go slow there because I love them.
I go slow because I feel like it helps me get it right. I may end up in the same place, but the time it took to get there will have been important, educational, and as non-injurious to others as possible.
I agree Ann. Even at work, with some very important things or for safety, I go slower to make sure I avoid some mistakes that are costly. That isn’t being secretive, it is being careful.
Other times it is time to go fast and take action…something needs to be said now or sometimes loudly (stop, son…don’t run across the street!…sometimes there is not time to even say something just pick the child up and save them).
It can just be difficult to “un-say” things. While I am searching new ideas and new thoughts…I have refined thoughts and changed how I feel…but if I blurt out everything and say it to everyone…it becomes hard to take it back later.
Before filing for divorce, or before sending a letter to resign from church….it can be wise to slow it down for a big decision…and remind yourself that it may benefit you to think it through carefully, remove some of the emotional in the moment reaction, and really take time to decide what you really want understanding what the repercussions of things really will be.
Personally, taking 4 years to de-program has helped me adapt to my faith transition. It’s not easy to just yank out the plug without consequences, personal or otherwise. I was shocked that after informing my bishop of my lack for orthodoxy they still had no trouble asking me to teach Sunday school lessons to kids. Didn’t bother them at all.
There is a slogan in AA that says: “Easy Does It”. That is the spirit of what we’re talking about. It means, as you are trying to apply the program into your life & at the same time stay sober, don’t make rash decisions. (don’t quit.)
As we experience a FC or question our belief, we shouldn’t make quick decisions that you can’t take back.
Minyan Man wrote:There is a slogan in AA that says: “Easy Does It”. That is the spirit of what we’re talking about.
It means, as you are trying to apply the program into your life & at the same time stay sober, don’t make rash decisions. (don’t quit.)
As we experience a FC or question our belief, we shouldn’t make quick decisions that you can’t take back.
Interesting how this can apply to several related areas. In grief counseling it is common to be counseled against making major life decisions.
Quote:Don’t make major decisions while grieving. Grief clouds the ability to make sound decisions. If possible, postpone big decisions — such as moving, taking a new job or making major financial changes. If you must make decisions right away, seek the input or guidance of trusted loved ones or other close contacts.
I knew a family who lost their teenage son in death. They were so overwhelmed that they booked a cruise just to get away from it all. Interestingly, they found that once on their cruise they had an immense desire to tell people about their son. These relative strangers had not known the son and (although polite) could not give them the support they were craving. Luckily they were able to leave the cruise early and return home to family and friends that cared about them. Sometimes people move or get separated in order not to be reminded of painful aspects of the past and later regret it.
There is another side to this too. When we go through issue, problems or challenges, we want to see some kind of improvement. The observation that improvement is taking comes from someone else. For example, when I started to go to AA meetings, I wanted to
see some kind of improvement. I wanted to see that the effort was worth it. So, I told my son who was 15 at the time about my frustration.
Without hesitation he said that he saw improvement & gave me examples. Then I could see it too. I am grateful for feedback like that.
Spiritual understanding & growth comes that way too.
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