Going back to church…?

[Anonymous]

Hello. I haven’t been here in awhile…. it turns out that while so many things about COVID have been awful and hard, one thing that got better for me was church. Prior to that, I was struggling with so. much. anxiety every single week around church. It was all I could do to get through Sundays without falling apart. I was fighting back the anxiety long after the meetings ended, often for the rest of the day. I have been attending Sacrament via zoom for over a year now, and have realized that I am enjoying Sundays for the first time probably in my whole adult life. I don’t miss anything about being there. I have known that my zoom days are numbered, but recently got news that we are going back to all in person within the next month. And that old anxiety came crashing back. I am getting texts about whether I am ready to do my calling again and I find myself not even able to respond. I don’t know what to say.

I’m not even sure exactly what I am doing/hoping for by posting my thoughts here… maybe I just know that people here might understand. Thanks for listening 🙂

[Anonymous]

I hear you, and there are at least a few of us who understand. We’re still at a mix of live and Zoom but it’s not going to be long for us either. I do think the top church leadership is cognizant that they’re likely to lose some – but I don’t think they have prepared anyone with how to handle it. We have been doing live church in some form since December, first in small groups and more recently as a ward, but there was always the Zoom choice. I was going until about two months ago when the mask rules changed (it was everybody had to mask, it changed to if you want to). My state still has a mask mandate, and even with the newest CDC guidelines for vaccinated people I consider church to be a “crowded” indoor place. My work is on the list of examples of crowded indoor places and I would spend way longer at church with more people than I ever do in a day of work where I have to where a mask any time I’m with somebody else (I’m mostly in an out-of-the-way office by myself).

Topping this all off in my case, my wife is all ready to get back to normal church, even though she does have COVID concerns. Today starts second hour meetings for the first time and she teaches Primary. She’s going, I’m not.

[Anonymous]

My area is probably ahead of the curve when it comes to getting back to church normal. Not that our area is better off than others when it comes to covid cases, we’re just impatient to get back to doing the things like we did before.

We went back to in-person 2nd hour a little over two months ago. We started singing during SM a month ago, which frankly makes me want to stay away, not return.

Another thought in the back of my mind, a non trivial percentage of people at church are anti-vaxxers, more so than the general population in my area. I’m not sure I want to return to a community like that or even if I feel like I can be a part of a community like that.

Tica wrote:

I am getting texts about whether I am ready to do my calling again and I find myself not even able to respond. I don’t know what to say.

No is a complete sentence.

I know the anxiety well and I think most of mine came from trying to keep church people happy at the expense of my own happiness.

[Anonymous]

nibbler wrote:

I know the anxiety well and I think most of mine came from trying to keep church people happy at the expense of my own happiness

Well said. Also at the expense of what feels like my true self. I guess what I have learned during this hiatus, is that there is the possibility of peace on the other side of the anxiety. That Sunday has the potential actually to be a day of mental/spiritual/physical rest. I have been more nourished by my now-habitual Sunday morning walk, sometimes with music or a (mostly non LDS) spiritual related audiobook than I have been by church meetings in a long time.

We have actually been doing a hybrid thing in my ward for awhile as well. My husband (who is in the bishopric) has been going while I have been zooming in with my kids. I’m sure that has resulted in some faithful tongues wagging and wondering.

I don’t care too much what people at church think (except that my daughter has several friends at church, and I know that my behavior could influence their parents’ perception of her). But I also care deeply about my family, who are all staunch and dedicated believers. My husband is actually okay with whatever I choose, which I am so grateful for. But my parents/siblings/in-laws would most definitely not be.

What it boils down to is that when I think of potential reasons to go back, none of them would be for myself….and yet I feel that I will probably capitulate and do it for the people I love. I know I have a choice, but it doesn’t really feel like one…

[Anonymous]

This has been on my mind for a long time actually.

I am pretty sure that I am not going back.

I have decided for myself that a boundary I am putting into place is that I am not going back to Sacrament Meeting without my husband. This decision is fueled by the fact that I don’t like being the “active” non-believer – and handling the executive functioning of Sundays.

I am still sorting out 2nd hour in my mind.

I haven’t figured out how to handle the callings I have (R.S. and Achievement Days). I could bow out gracefully and ask to be released – but I like the challenge of these callings, and I am not out of the community yet. I guess I could start a conversation about transition plans – there are only 4 other Moms for the Achievement Day Girls though and few match my ability to teach R.S. Plus, the respective leaders of these organizations are my best friends in the branch – and I don’t have a script for telling them anything about where I am in terms of faith.

[Anonymous]

I have a TBM friend that has similar issues with anxiety and church attendance. She has to take prescription medication in order to get through church services. I find her example helpful in demonstrating that 1) Tica is not alone in this and 2) it doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with faith or belief.

Tica wrote:

I have known that my zoom days are numbered, but recently got news that we are going back to all in person within the next month.

We currently attend via zoom. DW has been through some surgery recently and is recovering. We have expressed repeatedly how nice the zoom option has been to stay connected with the ward and that it has been a lifeline for us. We have been reassured that the zoom option will probably continue for an extended period. In my mind this just makes sense because there have always been people that could not come to live church for health reasons. Why would we want to now take this option away from them? I do also believe however that my family’s ability to justify our continued non-physical attendance is probably numbered. DW is almost recovered and our two children received their first dose of the vaccine shot over the weekend.

Tica wrote:

I was struggling with so. much. anxiety every single week around church. It was all I could do to get through Sundays without falling apart. I was fighting back the anxiety long after the meetings ended, often for the rest of the day.

Back to my friend with church anxiety, I tell her that I do not believe that anyone who cares about her would really want her to drug herself up to a zombie state just to sit through a church meeting. I wonder if you could receive a calling that does not require attendance on Sunday. What might it look like for you to be an “active” latter day saint that does not attend Sunday meetings? How might you and your husband go about making that work? Mental health is health after all.

[Anonymous]

For us church had been an option as we have zoom as well. We have taken advantage of zoom and really enjoyed it . The branch president stated on Sunday that zoom isn’t going to last forever !! I was slightly ticked at that statement (maybe I am being oversensitive) but I dont like the thought of having to go back . Why cant a church that has Billions of dollars provide this service to all those who cant or won’t go to in person services ???? Many people are unable to attend for whatever reason doesn’t make sense to me.

[Anonymous]

Doubter wrote:

Many people are unable to attend for whatever reason doesn’t make sense to me.

I agree completely. We used to take members who lived in a nursing home to church on Sunday. There were times when they could

barely walk yet they wanted to go. That’s commendable but, they could easily fall & break something. I am quickly getting to that

stage in life. It is sad to think that with the technology at hand, more people can’t attend by zoom.

[Anonymous]

It’s a bit of a relief to know that I am not alone…

Roy wrote:

I wonder if you could receive a calling that does not require attendance on Sunday. What might it look like for you to be an “active” latter day saint that does not attend Sunday meetings? How might you and your husband go about making that work? Mental health is health after all.

Interesting idea. I am one of 2 pianists in our ward, so ever since they found out I played I haven’t done anything else. In some ways that’s great…easy calling where I can pretty much hide behind the piano/organ. But if I bow out that leaves the other gal to do it all. Another reason I feel like I would be letting people down. But this may be something to think about….

I was talking to a friend on Sunday whose journey led her to leave the church a couple of years ago. She appears so at peace with where she is at. Sometimes I wish I could just leave.

AmyJ wrote:

I am pretty sure that I am not going back.

I have decided for myself that a boundary I am putting into place is that I am not going back to Sacrament Meeting without my husband

That seems like a thoughtful way of handling it… drawing clear boundaries around specific things. I am going to have to think about what boundaries might make sense for me.

[Anonymous]

Doubter wrote:

For us church had been an option as we have zoom as well. We have taken advantage of zoom and really enjoyed it . The branch president stated on Sunday that zoom isn’t going to last forever !! I was slightly ticked at that statement (maybe I am being oversensitive) but I dont like the thought of having to go back . Why cant a church that has Billions of dollars provide this service to all those who cant or won’t go to in person services ???? Many people are unable to attend for whatever reason doesn’t make sense to me.

I think it goes something like this.

Those that go to live church service might feel the need for everyone to return. Maybe they miss all of our smiling faces. Maybe it just doesn’t feel the same with less people. Maybe they need us to go back and staff our callings. Maybe they feel COVID fatigue and just want the whole thing to Go away or maybe they are active deniers that the COVID pandemic is a true public health crisis.

Some of those people may feel that we are cheating the system by not attending. Part of this goes back to the sense of duty and “covenant” that we have baked into our religion. I feel that another part deals with the sense of fairness. If the people attending are not there for the enjoyment of it and would prefer to “attend” virtually in their pajamas while they eat breakfast (like I sometimes do) then some sense of jealousy, resentment, and unfairness might creep in. In this mindset, Zoom virtual attendance becomes an easy out for people that are “lazy and lax.” A way to cheat the system without shouldering the same amount of inconveniences or burdens as others. Those that attend via Zoom without it being absolutely medically necessary can be viewed as deceiving themselves into thinking that they are keeping their covenants when in fact they are not.

Quote:

Put your shoulder to the wheel; push along, Do your duty with a heart full of song, We all have work; let no one shirk. Put your shoulder to the wheel.

[Anonymous]

Roy wrote:

Those that attend via Zoom without it being absolutely medically necessary can be viewed as deceiving themselves into thinking that they are keeping their covenants when in fact they are not.

This is some good perspective taking. I have a hard time seeing both sides sometimes. I also think that for a true orthodox believer, in some ways needing to see signs that people they care about/associate with are all in does feel like it comes from a place of love. Even though it doesn’t always come across that way.

[Anonymous]

AmyJ wrote:

I am pretty sure that I am not going back.

I have decided for myself that a boundary I am putting into place is that I am not going back to Sacrament Meeting without my husband. This decision is fueled by the fact that I don’t like being the “active” non-believer – and handling the executive functioning of Sundays.

I am still sorting out 2nd hour in my mind.

I haven’t figured out how to handle the callings I have (R.S. and Achievement Days). I could bow out gracefully and ask to be released – but I like the challenge of these callings, and I am not out of the community yet. I guess I could start a conversation about transition plans – there are only 4 other Moms for the Achievement Day Girls though and few match my ability to teach R.S. Plus, the respective leaders of these organizations are my best friends in the branch – and I don’t have a script for telling them anything about where I am in terms of faith.

I have given this a lot of thought, and I am not going back unless my husband or eldest daughter wants to (not likely).

I sat down and had a good conversation with the Primary President about this. I am going to teach Achievement Days for the rest of the year, but we are not transitioning to Y.W. (outside of her jurisdiction in any case). We are still going to try to be friends and try to be walking buddies. I think I surprised her, and I think she is not hurt, but is glad that I have been thoughtful about this and that I would trust her enough to share this part of my life with her. I am not amazing at non-verbals, but I didn’t see anything contrary to her words on that front.

In about a week, I have a conversation with the R.S. President (and another good friend) where I resign from my calling in R.S.

[Anonymous]

Tica wrote:

Roy wrote:

Those that attend via Zoom without it being absolutely medically necessary can be viewed as deceiving themselves into thinking that they are keeping their covenants when in fact they are not.

This is some good perspective taking. I have a hard time seeing both sides sometimes. I also think that for a true orthodox believer, in some ways needing to see signs that people they care about/associate with are all in does feel like it comes from a place of love. Even though it doesn’t always come across that way.

Just a note. I had to go back and read Roy’s posts because the above quote just isn’t something I see Roy as saying. It is a quote, of course, but it is sort of out of context. Let’s be careful about making sure if we’re quoting something we’re doing so in context. In context Roy was saying there are people who might think “Those that attend via Zoom….”

Kind of reminds me of an old episode of Dr. Who I was watching the other day. Paraphrasing The Doctor said something like you’re a journalist, aren’t you? Make it up! (And there you have it, I’m more nerdy than you might have thought! )

[Anonymous]

AmyJ wrote:

I have given this a lot of thought, and I am not going back unless my husband or eldest daughter wants to (not likely).

I must confess a small amount of sadness at hearing this. I just watched “Into the Heights” and in the movie there is a tension between 1) remaining in the community that needs you for your added strength and resiliency or 2) spreading your wings to succeed beyond the community. All of the examples of people “leaving” in the movie were positive (going off to university, business owner moving locations outside of community, returning to an ancestral homeland, getting a nice apartment in a more well off neighborhood, etc.). Yet each was met with some degree of sadness.

I think that it is an acknowledgement that part of our shared journey together might be coming to an end. As you talk to these good friends of yours in LDS leadership positions be aware that they will likely feel likewise. You have both walked a path together and now you are diverging.

[Anonymous]

Roy wrote:

I must confess a small amount of sadness at hearing this. I just watched “Into the Heights” and in the movie there is a tension between 1) remaining in the community that needs you for your added strength and resiliency or 2) spreading your wings to succeed beyond the community.

I feel sadness about this too. But, when I think about teaching a lesson these days, or the idea of getting up and going to church when the whole premise is one that I am very, very unsecure about these days churns my stomach and brings up visceral feelings of resentment. I don’t like being a possible fraud when I was trying to do my best, even though technically I was one. I don’t have the motivation to try to strong-arm my family into going too – DD is pretty ambivalent about God and honestly, she does better finding her own her way and thoughts instead of me telling her what to do.

I dealt with these feelings for years, so I know it’s not a temporary thing. I did the “pray, read your scriptures” thing – which amped up the resentment and disconnect with God.

One of the most peaceful things I learned in the past 4 years is what someone here (I think it was Old Timer) told me. “May there be a path”.

Right now, the path leads to not being at church – but being respectfully authentic about the boundaries I am setting and not burning bridges if I can avoid it.

Roy wrote:

I think that it is an acknowledgement that part of our shared journey together might be coming to an end. As you talk to these good friends of yours in LDS leadership positions be aware that they will likely feel likewise. You have both walked a path together and now you are diverging.

I don’t know that I am leaving this site. The only boundary I have put in place deliberately is that I am not going to church unless family members want to go. A secondary boundary I put into place is resigning from teaching Relief Society. Oh, I teasingly advised the Primary President that if she wants to bribe my daughter into coming to church, I get half the cookies:)

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