Going to church for someone else

[Always Thinking]

I’ve been pondering this morning on whether or not it’s good to go to church for someone else. For example, my husband expects me to go to church unless I have a good reason. He gets really bummed out if I don’t go and especially if I don’t even try to go. I haven’t been to church for about a month now mainly because we have church at 8:30 and i’ve been having health issues that make it difficult for me to get up early and do things quickly. Even if I don’t feel good I feel this pressure to go because my husband is always disappointed if I don’t go. The thing is, I started realizing that if he wasn’t pressuring me, I wouldn’t go as often as I do. And I also realized that I’ve never had the freedom to go or not go to church without pressure coming from someone. When I was living at home, my parents always made us go. Then when we were old enough that they couldn’t make us, they would pressure us and ‘joke’ about us being sinners if we skipped church. So I usually felt pressured to go. Then I got married and moved out of my parents house and for a long while I liked going to church, and even then, if I had one Sunday where I wasn’t feeling well, my husband would ask me to at least get completely ready to go and if I still didn’t feel like going, he wouldn’t be as disappointed as he would be if I didn’t try.

Sorry, I’m going off on a tangent here. Basically, i’ve been thinking about whether it is okay to go to church because it makes your spouse happier? If your spouse expects you to go to church, should you try your hardest? Because they do want what’s best for you so should you try your best to go anyways because it’s ‘good for you’? And how do you know if church is good for you? Is it okay for church to be an optional thing for you if your spouse feels like it’s important to go? I’m having a hard time deciding what to do because church is important to my husband and I know me going to helps support him in going every week, but part of me doesn’t like the pressure. But then another part of me says it’s more important to support your spouse than be comfortable. Plus we have a toddler so if I don’t go, either the toddler doesn’t go to church or my husband has to take him by himself which is more complicated. Hopefully that all made sense. Any advice from you wise people?

Eta: my husband knows about my faith crisis and is fairly good at handling me talking about my doubts. He still expects me to go to church though for some reason.

[Anonymous]

AT:

Your post is significant to me because I share many of those thoughts and feelings.

I was attending to make my DH happy. I still attend about 50 % of SM for that same reason. I drive separately, so if I feel the need to leave after SM, I can walk out without needing a ride.

It is no longer about being there for the gospel, it is being there to be supportive of him. He also understands that there are times when I find the experience painful. And some Sundays, I don’t want to deal with the pain.

Having a toddler adds an extra complication to your situation. Toddlers and SM are not a great mix.

Please post on what you decide and what works for you. My only advice is to be kind to all parties involved — including yourself.

[Anonymous]

Quote:

my husband knows about my faith crisis and is fairly good at handling me talking about my doubts. He still expects me to go to church though for some reason.

Maybe he himself looks at church attendance not a whole lot differently that going to a kid’s recital or soccer game – a family thing that you do together even if one of you isn’t as invested. And that’s one way of looking at it.

I plan to go to church with my husband forever. Even if I were to be excommunicated, or resign, or baptized into another church, I would work my new faith around the faith we shared for so long. But I can say that pretty easily because I’m older, don’t have young kids to wrestle, and don’t feel coerced in any way.

This all assumes that my husband stays in the church forever, which I expect, but you never know. You’re assuming your husband will do the same. Never knowing the future perfectly, it seems always a good idea to maintain togetherness.

I agree with AP that being kind and making efforts towards him are important. Good luck, and hope to hear how things go.

[Anonymous]

When I say this I don’t mean to trivialize your issue in any way, in fact I totally get it. Disclaimer disclaimed.

That’s life isn’t it? Doing things for someone else.

Marriages really up the ante in this department. Visit the in-laws… for my spouse. Putting the toilet seat down… for my spouse. Squeezing the toothpaste from the bottom of the tube… for my spouse.

I’m afraid I’m going to get you in trouble with this one; if you are expected to attend church for your spouse could they not be in a position to do something for you by allowing you to stay home once a month (for example)? He’s bummed if you don’t go, you’re bummed if you do. Could you take turns being bummed? In other words, if you feel it’s acceptable for you to feel bummed then maybe it’s okay for your spouse to feel bummed from time to time. Spread the wealth. :angel:

[Anonymous]

When I first read the thread title I was thinking “Wait – we can get a proxy to go to church for us? Why didn’t I think of that?” I may start a business. 😆

I agree with Nibbler. We do things for our families all the time and you are not alone in going just because you know that’s what your spouse likes. There’s a guy who grew up in our ward and lives in a neighboring ward now. He did all the things, mission, temple marriage, etc. He had a faith crisis after having a few kids. He is atheist. He goes every Sunday, but sits and reads or otherwise uses his electronics. While he does socialize, he really goes for no other reason than his wife and children. His bishop knows that and is cool with it and doesn’t pressure him.

Indeed, going for your family could be considered loving one another.

[Anonymous]

DarkJedi wrote:

When I first read the thread title I was thinking “Wait – we can get a proxy to go to church for us? Why didn’t I think of that?” I may start a business. 😆

Brother Jedi attending church for and in behalf of nibber, who is bored. :shifty:

[Anonymous]

For myself I try to find a sustainable level of activity in the church. A level of activity that I could see myself continuing even if my needs are not being met.

I personally like AP’s idea of only going to SM. I don’t mind SM much. I spend most of the time interacting with my kids or otherwise not listening very closely.

Sunday School is hard for me because I have had some of my comments forcefully contradicted. If I go I am always very self conscious.

Priesthood is usually ok. There are usually about 10 of us. We can have more of a discussion about principles and the lesson plan is more flexible. The whole format just seems more tolerant of divergent viewpoints.

Always Thinking wrote:

Basically, i’ve been thinking about whether it is okay to go to church because it makes your spouse happier?

Personally I think spouses do want what is best for the spouse to a point – but they are much more driven by their own self interest. I don’t necessarily see that as a bad thing. Spouses can work to make each other happy in order to get their own needs reciprocated. It is a negotiation and a compromise.

Always Thinking wrote:

if I had one Sunday where I wasn’t feeling well, my husband would ask me to at least get completely ready to go and if I still didn’t feel like going, he wouldn’t be as disappointed as he would be if I didn’t try. [snip] Because they do want what’s best for you so should you try your best to go anyways because it’s ‘good for you’?

I do wonder from some of your description about the power and authority balance in your marriage. Would you feel comfortable asking him to do the same if he were sick and not wanting to go to work/church – to get all the way ready? At some point I believe that we as adults get to decide for ourselves what is good for us. Personally, I am aware that making my own choices can lead to mistakes but I would rather make 100 mistakes than have the choices removed from me.

One of the results of my faith crisis is that I have had to internalize my authority. I choose not to drink alcohol. Not because the church tells me not to or even because God says not to. I am not afraid of social drinking. I understand that a glass of wine with dinner can even be good for my heart health. However I honor my heritage, my spouse, and my church membership by choosing to abstain. My action has not changed but my locus of authority has.

[Anonymous]

@nibbler I like your idea of us coming to a decision together of how often I can miss church. That sounds like something he’d be open to because he really likes us to both feel fulfilled.

@roy I have sometimes told him to get all ready to go, and then decide if he wants to go but those have only been times where I knew he would be disappointed in himself if he didn’t go. I think part of it is I tend to be more about what’s comfortable, so if my DH doesn’t feel like going or if he’s tired I tend to remind him that he doesn’t have to go or remind him that he has time off pay for work if he needs a break. My husband tends to be more focused on becoming better. He’s constantly trying to become a better person and trying to help me become better too and so I think for him, if I don’t go to church, he sees it as me being weak and he wants to help me become stronger, because he’s all into becoming better.

Thank you for the input, everyone. It really helps having other ideas to think of. I’ll have to discuss my thoughts on this with dh soon and see what we can come up with to hopefully solve it

[Anonymous]

Always Thinking wrote:

@roy I have sometimes told him to get all ready to go, and then decide if he wants to go but those have only been times where I knew he would be disappointed in himself if he didn’t go. I think part of it is I tend to be more about what’s comfortable, so if my DH doesn’t feel like going or if he’s tired I tend to remind him that he doesn’t have to go or remind him that he has time off pay for work if he needs a break. My husband tends to be more focused on becoming better. He’s constantly trying to become a better person and trying to help me become better too and so I think for him, if I don’t go to church, he sees it as me being weak and he wants to help me become stronger, because he’s all into becoming better.

I can respect that. My own situation is similar but different.

My wife has commented negatively on my ability to justify. She sees herself as more of the self improvement type.

When we encounter some sort of pressure to change, I am better at justifying how I am. Unfortunately, I don’t necessarily see my wife making self improvements. She receives the pressure, internalizes it, and convicts herself of her need to be better and change. But change is hard and even if her intentions are pure most of the time the momentum dissipates before lasting change can occur. This leads to feelings of guilt and inadequacy.

I figure, if it is a choice between self incrimination and guilt or self justification and comfort in my own skin then I will choose the latter every time…at least that is how I sell/justify it to myself. 😈

[Anonymous]

Overall, I enjoy church, even with cringe moments, but one of the primary reasons I go is for others: my wife, my kids, other kids, the YSAs, the heterodox who need to hear my comments, leaders who need to hear another perspective from someone whom they know is faithful, a temple presidency that needs workers to help people who love the temple, etc.

Life outside of hermitage is all about balancing actions for self and others.

Having said that, when something causes extreme pain and harm, it can be necessary to take a break enough to lessen or eliminate that pain and harm. If coping mechanisms can be found and employed, wonderful. That is part of the mission of this site: to share what works for participants here.

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