Going to Talk to My Dad

[Anonymous]

It has been a few months since I have posted on this forum, even though I have been reading through some of the threads over that period of time. I have even added a link to my introduction in my signature which was suggested in one of the threads I read.

I have finally been able to talk with a therapist about my wife and her anxiety issues and am scheduling an appointment for both of us. Because of the mental state of my wife I fear discussing any more of my concerns about the history of the church will just make things worse for her. However, I feel as though I really need to discuss it with someone close to me. My own mental state requires it.

So, I have decided to talk to my Dad. This weekend we will be getting together with my parents and I will try to look for an opportunity to talk to him in private.

I feel like my Dad will be the most understanding. He was excommunicated from the church (not for apostasy reasons) and I was the one who re-baptized him several years ago. He is a retired history teacher and loves everything about history. I know he has studied the church’s history, read the Joseph Smith Papers, etc., and he has expressed some concerns with me in the past.

I wanted to get some feedback about doing this, what others have done, how best to approach things, etc. I worry about emotionally breaking down and sobbing when talking to him and my wife seeing that and wanting to know more about what is going on. My eyes get wet just thinking about talking to my Dad about this. I don’t know how I’m going to keep it together, but the longer I wait the worse I feel it will become when I do talk to someone.

[Anonymous]

I hope it is a good experience for you.

Talk with him privately, some place where there is no chance of your wife (or anyone else) seeing any of it. If that means leaving the house, leave the house.

[Anonymous]

I second what Ray says. Try to find someplace, or even go someplace, where you can be truly private. You don’t have to dump all at once – maybe just share your biggest concerns and talk about them. I hope it goes well for you.

[Anonymous]

My advice is not to broach the subject with anyone local. You may feel you need to talk, but you can talk anonymously here at this forum about what you think, and its safe. If you let your family know, then it could open a can of worms over which you will have no control. You also don’t know what family might do in terms of telling the local leaders, and how they might respond.

Taken with your wife’s anxiety issues, and I assume, her traditional believing Mormon orientation, this could do more harm than good. I would be content with posting here, and playing it safe. Sadly,our church is not that friendly to people on the fringe. Sure there are pockets of people who are inclusive of us, but that is the exception and not the norm. It’s a lonely path, but at least having friends here on STayLDS makes it easier.

[Anonymous]

deepthinker, no matter who you talk to… wife, dad, mom, Bishop, cousin, guy in line at the bank, think first about what it is that you hope to be understood when the conversation is over. Do you want your dad to understand that you are no longer a believer or do you want him to understand why you are no longer a believer? Those are completely separate topics. People in our situation almost always conflate them. They often want the former but wind up expressing the latter, which is usually counter-productive, IMO, because the expression of the latter is usually seen as a challenge to the other person’s faith.

[Anonymous]

Thanks Ray and DJ, I will definitely use that advice.

[Anonymous]

SilentDawning wrote:

My advice is not to broach the subject with anyone local. You may feel you need to talk, but you can talk anonymously here at this forum about what you think, and its safe. If you let your family know, then it could open a can of worms over which you will have no control. You also don’t know what family might do in terms of telling the local leaders, and how they might respond.

Taken with your wife’s anxiety issues, and I assume, her traditional believing Mormon orientation, this could do more harm than good. I would be content with posting here, and playing it safe. Sadly,our church is not that friendly to people on the fringe. Sure there are pockets of people who are inclusive of us, but that is the exception and not the norm. It’s a lonely path, but at least having friends here on STayLDS makes it easier.

I will not talk to anyone local, my Dad is miles away from where I live, although he could still talk to my local leaders. I do have a great deal of trust in my Dad and I’m confident he will keep things confidential, especially if I request it. I also don’t plan on sharing everything and want him to take the lead of the discussion after I initiate it.

I have found the StayLDS community to help a great deal. That said, online discussions with wonderful, understanding, anonymous people (well most of us are anonymous) is just not the same as face-to-face personal interaction with someone you care about. Maybe I can get over whatever need is driving me to want to talk to someone in person.

Have you talked in person to anybody about your issues with the church? I know some have had bad experiences, and others have had good experiences.

[Anonymous]

On Own Now wrote:

deepthinker, no matter who you talk to… wife, dad, mom, Bishop, cousin, guy in line at the bank, think first about what it is that you hope to be understood when the conversation is over. Do you want your dad to understand that you are no longer a believer or do you want him to understand why you are no longer a believer? Those are completely separate topics. People in our situation almost always conflate them. They often want the former but wind up expressing the latter, which is usually counter-productive, IMO, because the expression of the latter is usually seen as a challenge to the other person’s faith.

Some excellent advice which I will keep in mind before talking to my Dad. I do need to sort out in my mind what my expectations are for this conversation and I will work on that. I think I just have a need to share my internal struggles with someone I care about and I don’t know what else I plan on getting out of the conversation.

My initial reaction to your question is that I’m just trying to find the closest person to me that might be the most understanding. I don’t plan on telling him I no longer believe some of the things the LDS church teaches. How much I share will depend on what he says.

I’m going to approach the subject lightly with him and let him guide the discussion. Basically, like “Dad, I came across some church history on (fill in the blank) and it has really troubled me. What have you found out about that?” His response to that type of question will determine how the conversation will go.

[Anonymous]

Deepthinker, have you ever asked your Dad why he came back into the Church?

For what it’s worth, I have found sometimes that asking questions & getting people to talk about their life or

beliefs will help me to address the real question I want to ask.

Or maybe it is another question altogether.

[Anonymous]

Mike wrote:

Deepthinker, have you ever asked your Dad why he came back into the Church?

For what it’s worth, I have found sometimes that asking questions & getting people to talk about their life or

beliefs will help me to address the real question I want to ask.

Or maybe it is another question altogether.

No, I have never asked him that before. That is a great suggestion. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

One of the greatest blessings of being a Father of grown children is when they come to me & ask advice.

In return there are many times I go to them as adults & I ask for their advice about something in my life.

When you can communicate as equals, you can say anything to each other.

It may require some risk because we feel vulnerable.

You seem like a very careful & deliberate person.

These things usually go better then we anticipate.

[Anonymous]

Mike wrote:

When you can communicate as equals, you can say anything to each other.

Really profound and true. And it says something about the mature of love behind the relationship.

Thanks Mike

[Anonymous]

Mike wrote:

One of the greatest blessings of being a Father of grown children is when they come to me & ask advice.

In return there are many times I go to them as adults & I ask for their advice about something in my life.

When you can communicate as equals, you can say anything to each other.

It may require some risk because we feel vulnerable.

You seem like a very careful & deliberate person.

These things usually go better then we anticipate.

Thanks for this, I read this before I saw my Dad this weekend and it really helped calm me. In my own mind, I could just hear my Dad saying your first sentence, and it does echo what I feel as a Father myself.

Just as an update, my Mom had some things planned for us to do together so I was not able to have a talk with my Dad this weekend. I still plan to at some point, when the time is right. The urgent need to talk with him is not there right now, so I will just continue to prepare myself for the right time, hopefully in the near future.

I appreciate everyone’s advice.

[Anonymous]

:thumbup:

[Author]

Posts