Had to Consider

[Anonymous]

I feel like I’m Goldilocks hanging out at the three bears house. This site is not anti Mormon, not apologetic, and is just right for me! I am so happy to have found this site, thankyou. Here’s a little about me…

I was BIC to converts who are TBMs. Because my parents grew up in the “mission field” and weren’t raised Mormon, they are also open-minded which I love. They moved us to Utah when we were small so that influenced me greatly in what I believed about the World. I was a straight arrow kid who did everything I was supposed to so I could get my temple marriage to an RM and have a family.

I left Utah a decade ago and have lived in different places in the US as well as internationally because of my husbands line of work. Over the years my black and white thinking from being raised in Utah has eroded. I see the World as a place full of many truths. I guess you could say I’ve been at stage 4 for years due to my exposure to the World. Yet being an active Mormon worked for me, so I didn’t doubt or question too much. I just kept going through the motions and found happiness in living right, serving others, and growing spiritually. I had nothing to lose by being active.

My faith crisis started because my husband is a jack Mormon. This year I had to decide how important the church was to me as my religious devotion was creating a wedge between us. I spent a year reading everything I could about the LDS church. I mostly used FAIR to answer questions I’d had in the back of my head for a long time, as well as to help me find other issues I hadn’t been educated about growing up. After my research I concluded I had several concerns about the history, doctrine, and cultural problems of the church.

I hope to stay LDS with what works in my home, which I have yet to define permanently. Looking back I am so glad I got put in this situation, even though at the time I was angry. I feel like my authentic self is emerging. I’m on the middle road where I always belonged. In some ways I feel like an investigator, trying to build from the ground up what I think is right for me. I feel so lucky that my kids are still young enough that I have time to figure this out without affecting them.

I’d really appreciate some advice on how to explain myself to others. We are moving to a heavily LDS populated area and I’d like to have something worked out in my head that is polite and clear, yet doesn’t lead people to think I want to tell them everything about us. We are Mormon, just unorthodox, or something like that. What has worked for you all that satisfies people without leading them to ask more questions? I dislike the term inactive, because it’s too black and white.

Thanks, Goldilocks

[Anonymous]

Welcome, Goldilocks. Staylds is a fantastic website. My parents are also converts. In my faith crisis and reconstruction I’ve learned that although the church and gospel are still true, the church and its people are far from perfect. Anyway, again, welcome. I look forward to hearing more from you.

[Anonymous]

Welcome to our little slice of heaven(lower kingdom). I like your description of being just right. Your story is a familiar one and I think that you have found a good place to visit. It is nice to have a place where you can go to express your views and feel safe about it. It is heaven sent for many of us and for me it got me through a very hard time.

After you move to your new area and find your new ward, I would get a feel for it. Sometimes you don’t have to explain where you stand with the church and sometimes explaining can get you in trouble. I have talked to a few of my friends where I am right now and they have been great about it but others don’t quite get it and if I sense any resistance I just don’t go into any detail but I have grown tired of trying to be someone that I am not and I will say on occasion that “I just don’t believe that is true, I might be wrong but that is the conclusion that I have come to” and that seem to work well so far. I even tell them that I am happy if they believe that way and that I won’t push my believes on them and I expect the same. I had a TR interview with a member of the bishopric today and I told him that my testimony was more of a hope than knowledge and in some thing more of a hope than belief and I passed. I am on the high council and have served in a few bishoprics myself so the man doing the interview knows me fairly well. I always keep the thought that I don’t have to explain myself but try to make sure that with different callings I am up front that I will only do or teach the things that I am comfortable with.

I look forward to hear more from you, I bet you have a lot to offer here.

[Anonymous]

I agree. Listen and look in your new ward before you decide how you fit in. There has to be a way to be there while being yourself.

[Anonymous]

My family is unorthodox. I think everybody knows it and it just comes out in conversation/observations. I wouldn’t try explaining it to anyone you just meet. Let them get to know you for you – without adding the restrictive frame of reference of the label. People will come to their own conclusions and that’s on them.

I do wish that I was fully enveloped in fellowship as I believe that I might be if I wore all the trappings of a TBM. But I content myself with my own little corner of the tent of Zion – I don’t bother anyone and they seem to keep me at arms length. Most of the people are nice enough, they just don’t get me.

StayLDS is perfect for me. Some others also find comfort at NOM or DAMU or ExMo or Faces East, but none of those sites seem to be a good fit for me. Welcome to our safe haven.

[Anonymous]

Goldilocks wrote:

I feel like I’m Goldilocks hanging out at the three bears house. This site is not anti Mormon, not apologetic, and is just right for me! I am so happy to have found this site, thankyou. Here’s a little about me…

I was BIC to converts who are TBMs. Because my parents grew up in the “mission field” and weren’t raised Mormon, they are also open-minded which I love. They moved us to Utah when we were small so that influenced me greatly in what I believed about the World. I was a straight arrow kid who did everything I was supposed to so I could get my temple marriage to an RM and have a family.

I left Utah a decade ago and have lived in different places in the US as well as internationally because of my husbands line of work. Over the years my black and white thinking from being raised in Utah has eroded. I see the World as a place full of many truths. I guess you could say I’ve been at stage 4 for years due to my exposure to the World. Yet being an active Mormon worked for me, so I didn’t doubt or question too much. I just kept going through the motions and found happiness in living right, serving others, and growing spiritually. I had nothing to lose by being active.

My faith crisis started because my husband is a jack Mormon. This year I had to decide how important the church was to me as my religious devotion was creating a wedge between us. I spent a year reading everything I could about the LDS church. I mostly used FAIR to answer questions I’d had in the back of my head for a long time, as well as to help me find other issues I hadn’t been educated about growing up. After my research I concluded I had several concerns about the history, doctrine, and cultural problems of the church.

I hope to stay LDS with what works in my home, which I have yet to define permanently. Looking back I am so glad I got put in this situation, even though at the time I was angry. I feel like my authentic self is emerging. I’m on the middle road where I always belonged. In some ways I feel like an investigator, trying to build from the ground up what I think is right for me. I feel so lucky that my kids are still young enough that I have time to figure this out without affecting them.

I’d really appreciate some advice on how to explain myself to others. We are moving to a heavily LDS populated area and I’d like to have something worked out in my head that is polite and clear, yet doesn’t lead people to think I want to tell them everything about us. We are Mormon, just unorthodox, or something like that. What has worked for you all that satisfies people without leading them to ask more questions? I dislike the term inactive, because it’s too black and white.

Thanks, Goldilocks

Hi, Goldilocks –

I identify with a lot of what you say. I wish I had gone through all of this 20 years ago, but I’ll tell you where I am now in case it’s helpful to you.

You said you were “active” at one point because you didn’t have much to lose. I think a lot of us have been there. But how much do I have to lose by being “inactive”? I don’t know, so I haven’t done anything that assumes I’d be better off.

I’ve said a private, mental good riddance to anything I don’t actually believe. What a relief!

I’ve looked at what motivates me at church and in my callings. I’m very involved still, but my mindset it quite different. I’m less willing to do things that I see as fluffy, but actually more willing to extend myself in other ways.

People here at staylds talk about getting out of dysfuntional modes of thinking – all or nothing, black or white, etc. For me, I’ve added “jump/how high?” I don’t jump anymore until and unless I have reason other than being told. I have to think – kind of a stretch considering how little I’ve done of it in the past. I have to pray – also a stretch considering how UNcurious I have actually been all my life to really know God. So the fact that I have (at least temporarily) lost faith in Joseph Smith is somewhat beside the point. I still have to figure out my relationship with God and fellow man.

Best wishes to you! I hope you settle in well to your new home.

[Anonymous]

First, welcome!

Don’t tell anyone anything about the nature of your beliefs, using some label like “unorthodox”. Let “Mormon” be enough. Let people get to know you without prejudicing them in any way.

For example, I tend to wait to tell people I attended Harvard until they get to know me without that tidbit, since it doesn’t change a thing about me and since lots of people have preconceptions about Harvard students. Many people would assume I was rich, spoiled, went to private schools, etc. – and my education doesn’t mean enough to me to mention it when I first meet someone (this comment notwithstanding 😆 ). In fact, this might be the first time I’ve mentioned it directly here – and I’ve been here for almost five years.

[Anonymous]

I’m new here, but I agree that it’s a good idea to just be yourself without pre-labeling. I think less is more and that it’s good to just take it day-by-day in a new situation. This is a great place to come and vent, get advice, and feel safe in a non-judgemental area.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the thoughts everyone, as well as the warm welcome! I can tell I am in the right place coming here. A few things stuck out to me that I liked…

Quote:

“I just don’t believe that is true, I might be wrong but that is the conclusion that I have come to.”

I like that. For me I am too young (early 30s) to assume I know everything. I might be wrong gives me the chance to be honest with what I am learning, yet be open to changing what I think when I’m older!

Quote:

Let “Mormon” be enough. Let people get to know you without prejudicing them in any way.

That’s true. Hopefully they will judge me off who I am, not my status with the church. And if they did, well we wouldn’t be good friends anyways.

Quote:

People here at staylds talk about getting out of dysfuntional modes of thinking – all or nothing, black or white, etc. For me, I’ve added “jump/how high?” I don’t jump anymore until and unless I have reason other than being told.

Ann I think that is good advice for anybody struggling to stay active.

Thanks All!

Goldilocks

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