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I don’t really have a rant, vent or question – just feeling happy and sad today. Over the past week a series of illnesses and accidents have bumped into our family life indirectly. Those strange indirect bumps seem to effect faith transitions in a unique way. My husband is deeply agnostic/athiest. Once a staunch believer. It’s a strange change. When he reads or hears about any “God related” connection to the illnesses or accidents it really hits a raw spot. Today he just needed to vent. Usually vents create a second painful space, but today it didn’t. I still can’t explain it. I wasn’t numb or dismissive but I could let him have his say. I asked a couple of clarifying questions but no war took place. I still have a space for Diety and the Unseen Hand. I don’t have the instant answers I once did, but I don’t feel dismissive of others who find only hope and comfort in God. I explain this because that is usually where we get bound up, both of us pushing to get our point heard or to protect people who aren’t even there because of their beliefs.
So where does the happy/sad come in? Happy that I could let him have his own pain today, sad because I miss our once upon a time connection. We still have other connections but today I would love he and I to be able to respond to our friends, family, and extended friends on the same page of faith. Sometimes just having others who can “mourn with you” as you need to mourn is such a gift. I miss having he and I do that together.
Best news is This Too Shall Pass.
Mom, sorry to hear about the lost connection. I know a lot of us can relate to what you’re saying. It definitely is hard to have that shared sense of purpose, and then to lose it. There’s one thing you said that made me feel jealous of what you still have with your husband, though:
mom3 wrote:We still have other connections…
Value those ‘other connections.’ My wife and I have been struggling to find any other connections for the past couple of years, and our search has been pretty frustrating and fruitless. The spiritual connection is definitely a huge one to miss, but I’m glad that you have other connections that bind you together.Thank you for letting him have his validation. mom3 wrote:I explain this because that is usually where we get bound up, both of us pushing to get our point heard or to protect people who aren’t even there because of their beliefs.
On the point of people seeing God in certain seemingly coincidental aspects of their life, I am incredulous. I do not say that God cannot ever intervene in such affairs but that it seems much less common then one would suppose listening to all the faith affirming stories. I also grant to my fellows the space to build their narrative in the way that makes the most sense and grants them the most hope. I would never destroy someone else’s faith. However, I do need validation and acceptance from my wife that my perspective and observations are valid.
mom3 wrote:Happy that I could let him have his own pain today, sad because I miss our once upon a time connection.
I think letting him have his own pain and not invalidating it for him is a loving move. Sometimes we can’t fix things or remove the pain, but we can be there for each other. Those will lead to new connections.Thanks for your example.
mom3 wrote:…sad because I miss our once upon a time connection.
It is sad. I mourn for the both of you. It is one of those perplexing things in life: both sides don’t want the divide, but each feels powerless to close it.Roy mentioned the need for validation, we all feel that. Years ago I realized my wife and I don’t have the ability to validate each other on some things. Today I sense a feeling of support even without the validation, a kind of “I can’t relate to some things about you, but I love you still.” It is nice. It is not perfect and there are moments where it fails, but eventually the love and support comes back and we know we’re a team, each bringing different strengths.
Orson wrote, Quote:Years ago I realized my wife and I don’t have the ability to validate each other on some things
I recently watched a book launch for a women who had an open marriage for one year. Both spouses agreed, set rules and headed out. One of her key discoveries was that it is impossible to expect your spouse to be the fulfillment/validation of everything in your life. It can’t be done. You need other people and experiences to do that. (Not implying open marriage here).
mom3 wrote:…it is impossible to expect your spouse to be the fulfillment/validation of everything in your life. It can’t be done. You need other people and experiences to do that. (Not implying open marriage here).
I think it is very important for women to have girl friends, they meet needs that guys just can’t.
mom3 wrote:I still have a space for Diety and the Unseen Hand. I don’t have the instant answers I once did, but I don’t feel dismissive of others who find only hope and comfort in God.
Reminds me of a quote I heard — the mark of a free person is the ever-gnawing uncertainty about whether s/he is right.
As an academic, the more I learn, the less I realize I know about a subject. Assuming that I’m getting better and better — I think the realization that there is a lot you don’t know is a mark of progress.
Orson wrote:mom3 wrote:…it is impossible to expect your spouse to be the fulfillment/validation of everything in your life. It can’t be done. You need other people and experiences to do that. (Not implying open marriage here).
I think it is very important for women to have girl friends, they meet needs that guys just can’t.
I think it was Dr. Laura that said something along the lines of, “Stop trying to make your husband be your girlfriend!” I think that is very good advice.
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