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Two weeks ago, my fully devoted LDS daughter texted me during church. She wants to go through the temple. She see’s the church the way I once did. I wish I still did. I am not enjoying the bitter experience faith transition creates. I raised this girl, I set her on this path and now I don’t feel capable of going through with her. She has dear friends who will, but I can’t. I know we nuance everything here, but somehow nuancing this doesn’t feel right. She knows where her dad is, and because I still participate and find some good, she finds me as the parent she can turn to. Today I had to lay out the facts in front of her. She lives 4 states away. I assume she will spend the day in deep anguished tears. It breaks my heart for both of us. She is due home this weekend. She has been a resilient kid as she has watched her once TBM home crumble to something none of us ever imagined it would. I can’t even explain how bad this feels.
I am so sorry Mom. I am at a loss for words. I am attempting to send hugs and loving thoughts through my keyboard and they just come out as more words.
I believe that you raised your daughter well. She is experiencing some hidden curves somewhat early in her journey and those are painful. Perhaps a silver lining is that this may prepare her for encountering hidden curves elsewhere. Life never seems to follow the script we set for it.
((Hugs))
This is a preview of my own experience with my daughter. She’s fully TBM and likely to be married in the temple in a few years, if all goes as it seems. She doesn’t know the full story either. I will be interested in how this plays out — as much as you want to share Mom3 — you’re ahead of me on this one…. mom3, I too am sorry for your situation. I reread your Introduction & I am trying to understand the specifics or issues that hold you back. I know JS & polygamy are top on your list. Women & the church are up there too. I’m wondering if there is a way to accept your doubts & still participate in this moment for your daughter. If you can’t, we certainly understand & wish you the very best in this situation. Most of all, keep participating here. This has been a wonderful support for me personally.
I don’t have the right words, mom3. It breaks my heart for both of you, too. Please let us help if we can. Don’t share anything you’re not comfortable with, but I am very interested in how the conversation goes. I don’t rule out being in your shoes in the future. My sister had an interesting approach. Instead of being with the extended family through the session – she won’t attend those anymore – she did baptisms on her own and met us all in the celestial room.
mom3: That is heartbreaking. Sitting with you. I feel your pain, dear friend. My son went for his own endowment about two years ago prior to his mission. At the time I was working on coming back, but I was not anywhere near temple ready. This hurt both of our hearts. Nevertheless it is what it is. I am sorry others experience this, too. Man, your situation is a difficult one, I feel for you. You are farther along than I am in your FC. I don’t know if it helps but if there is any way you can do what is right for your daughter, look into it. What I mean is go along with the program if possible to stay connected with her. If not so be it. I do what I can for my son who is returning from a mission soon. I want to support his church life, I want to be with him spiritually. I let him and DW know of my difficulties just enough to let them know I’m not covering up but not so much that I am contradicting or trying to change them. I don’t know where it will end, I don’t have to. I still have a belief, I still have hope and that may be an advantage you don’t have. Too much of what I am told is not right. That helps me be me. Not saying it’s easy by any stretch. Sounds like yours is at a difficult stage, a defining point. Mom3: ((( hugs )))
Oh .. To be able to crawl through this internet connection and just sit beside you for just a little while. I promise to bring a box of Kleenex.
((( more hugs )))
DarkJedi wrote:I feel your pain, dear friend. My son went for his own endowment about two years ago prior to his mission. At the time I was working on coming back, but I was not anywhere near temple ready. This hurt both of our hearts. Nevertheless it is what it is. I am sorry others experience this, too.
DJ — if you’re willing to share how this played out, it might be helpful. Not sure what to expect, or how to react in this situation where the children are more TBM than the parents, reactions of the Ward, of other stakeholders in the decision, your feelings, how you coped…
SilentDawning wrote:DarkJedi wrote:I feel your pain, dear friend. My son went for his own endowment about two years ago prior to his mission. At the time I was working on coming back, but I was not anywhere near temple ready. This hurt both of our hearts. Nevertheless it is what it is. I am sorry others experience this, too.
DJ — if you’re willing to share how this played out, it might be helpful. Not sure what to expect, or how to react in this situation where the children are more TBM than the parents, reactions of the Ward, of other stakeholders in the decision, your feelings, how you coped…
I’m not sure there’s much to say, SD. As a young TBM father I imagined I would take my boys to priesthood session of conference when they turned 12, and we’d maybe sit together in weekly priesthood opening exercises (the boys tend to sit off on the side in our ward and I’m fine with that). As they grew up I imagined I would ordain them to successive offices and I accompany them to the temple and be their escort. Most of that did not happen.
My oldest son was ordained a priest at 18 essentially without my knowledge (I didn’t disapprove, but there were so many mixed feelings involved). Likewise a few months later he was ordained an elder. This time I did know about it, but I was a little ticked off at how it was handled (basically I was awkwardly invited by my son to stand in the circle without any interaction with the so called leaders). Likewise with the temple, I only knew the date he was going. I should note that during these last events I was a regular participant here and I was close to returning to church – it was a subsequent leader who facilitated that. I regret not being a part of those milestones, but I have put “my behind in the past.” There’s no good answer to “Would I do it differently if I could do it over?”
FWIW, he and I have a closeness I don’t currently share with the other two boys – but that could be age related.
I’m sorry, mom3. I know we try to do our best at thinking through things to help us set expectations and beliefs and new views of things. But real life has these experiences that seem to highlight some realities, and it seems we just have to pass through them.
Keep your head up. You’re doing great as a parent. We can’t avoid these challenges. They bring experience. {hugs}
Thank you for hugs, for sitting with me, for aching with me. The conversation is nearly silent right now. She is coming to visit this weekend. My guess is it will be a stiff weekend, with neither of us knowing how to proceed. The recent weeks in my life have been hard, those walls that separate believers from non or nuanced believers are everywhere in my life right now. It hurts. It exhausts me. I assume it hurts the other side, too, but I don’t know.
Yesterday God and I had a talk. I wanted to know why? Why did I have this experience, why my family, my friends. All I could hear was, “You’ll need to know the bitter, it is equally part of life.” I won’t say I jumped up and down at the news. I won’t even say “God told me this.” However a strange calm came with it. Whether it was my own soul answering it’s own question or truly divine communication I won’t say. Only that it has left me pondering on how to enjoy this bitter, because it is likely not going away for a long time. The only way to escape it is to move on an island alone. That won’t be happening.
As I went to bed last night, one final thought attached itself to me, it’s a Buddhist thought. In their meditation and growth process, they encourage you to accept your pain. To hold it, acknowledge it, and have compassion for it.
Today – and probably in the months and years to come, I will learn how to enjoy the bitter and see it’s value and beauty. I will try to keep compassion for my pain. Giving it the justice it deserves. On the pain free happy days, I will be running barefoot through life, even if it’s snowing.
great update. thanks for sharing. I dont know if “bitter” was created to enjoy it specifically, but to help us enjoy life holistically.
Allow yourself to experience it. Sometimes that is the “why”.
I know you love your daughter and will show it. Love is stronger than ideas.
Mom, as others have said this hurts me to read this and know you are hurting. Like others I don’t know exactly what to say. As much as this site is a GREAT help, this is one of those times I wish at least one of us here could spend a bit of face to face time and cry and hug this out with you. Best of luck and our thoughts are with you.
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