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I haven’t been on here for a while. My faith crisis started about 9 -10 months ago. When I first learned of some of the history I used to get angry and spew unwanted information at my DH, not recommended and I fully regret it. So for the past 6 months I have tried really hard to keep angry comments to myself. (Although, I must admit they sometimes slip out, which leads to a stream of apologies on my part.).
So, recently I have become even more aware that my husband and I don’t deeply communicate. I have known this for a while, but now that I am in the midst of emotional anguish, mainly due to faith crisis, I feel even more distant. Which is crazy b/c it isn’t as if we were baring our testimonies to each other all the time… we actually never did. But now I have this nagging part in me that wants to disclose so much information that I know would be too much for him to bear. I hold it all in and then those explosions of information comes out here and there. I feel like I am not being fully honest with him on a regular basis and sometimes I worry that I am getting his hopes up that I am becoming TBM because I go to church every week, I even asked for a calling to help me want to go more (a decision I regret now), and hardly ever complain to him. In short, I pretend to be OK more than I am. I am REALLY hurting inside. I feel so betrayed by a religion that I once fullheartedly believed in. I feel betrayed by myself for ever “falling” for it and believing and now question my ability to decipher between what is true and what isn’t. As if I should have known that what the “anti’s” on my mission where telling me was true.
I can’t regret believing, and honestly the church has been wonderful for me in SO MANY WAYs… damaging in so many ways as well. I sometimes don’t understand why I am so upset at times, but I AM! and I am tired of fighting it. I try to see all of the amazing things the church does. I look at my DH beautiful and happy family and think it is largely due to this religion. So much good in my life… so why am I so angry?????
I feel so torn, so wishy washy. Sometimes I think I am just going to please my husband and sometimes I go because I think I can’t take the isolation or judgements of others. (We live in Utah County). Sometimes I think “what is the harm of going? it isn’t KILLING ME? but I get in THE WORST moods on Sundays. I hate going. I hate spending 3 hours of my day for something I not only don’t believe in but resent so much. My husband does not understand at all why I am so hurt by finding out about historical events. The truth is my FC didnt even start out by finding out about the history, rather it started 6 years ago with prop 8. I now see that my testimony has been fuzzy for about 8 years. I have been to 3 bishops trying to help me understand how we believe in an “unconditional loving God” that does things like floods the earth when his people are wicked.. and other stories that cause me to be afraid of God and question. So I have found much more peaceful and loving version of “God”that brings me peace and has freed me of fear in so many aspects of my life. Yet, why am I so unhappy? I know it is b/c I am more angry and resentful than I used to be… but I don’t know where to put all of that anger. I am SICK SICK SICK of talking about it, but when I don’t talk about it I want to explode.
I went to a therapist yesterday. We talked about my FC… after 15 mins into me explaining how I arrived to my FC he said. “Well, you said you had a spiritual experience leading you to believe in a different version of God, but now you are more unhappy. How do you know your source is from God. Also, how do you know that the information regarding church history is accurate?” He went on about the Mass. school bombing and the speculations and now that everything has died down we find that the speculations were wrong. … hmmm I wonder if he is LDS. arghhhhhh!!! If I wanted my Spirituality questioned I would have gone to my Stake Presidency. I am FULLY capable of getting revelation from God and just because it would contradict LDS theology doesn’t mean it isn’t from God! When things upset me it is usually b/c there is truth some where… so I am asking… Why am I so upset? I do feel like my Spiritual experience was indeed from God.. which led me to start questioning everything, which led to me finding out about church history… which broke my heart. I literally feel like my heart broke. I don’t know how to fix it…
Please tell me it gets easier and that the pain will eventually go away. I sometimes wish I could go back to being TBM:( even though I love that things make more sense to me now and questions that I thought I would never have answered are now answered…. it just hurts so badly. It is causing depression. Has anyone else experienced depression because of a FC?
PS. I hope I don’t regret such openess later. I do that sometimes. But I am posting b/c I am desperate for answers.
I want to reply further to this, but I’m short on time at the moment. Yes, I think depression can be a symptom of a faith crisis AND a result of a faith crisis, and I think depression can contribute to a faith crisis. I’d like to tell you the pain and angst goes away, but I haven’t experienced that it does. It does get better, though.
Yes, it can – but it also can bring to light a pre-existing depressive tendency that was dormant enough not to cause major issues in the past. Often, it’s hard to distinguish between the two. The absolute best part of Elder Holland’s talk about depression was his clear statement that it can’t be cured by faith and prayers alone – that people should seek professional help. That is so important for everyone to hear, understand and accept.
Has FC caused anyone else depression? Yes, very much so. I was depressed for a long time, I can say that it does get better but I don’t have the magic formula. For me it was letting go of some things. It’s one thing to say “let go of anger” and it’s an entirely different thing to do it. Hearing someone saying “let go of anger” does absolutely nothing for me, in fact given my mood it might even only serve to make me more angry… yet I did let go of some anger (not yet all of it, still a work in progress). I don’t exactly know how I was able to let go. It just took introspection and time. Some time in the wilderness. A very hard thing to do when you have to go through the motions to appease the people around you in the here and now – at least that’s what I was doing when going through it all.
When reading your experience with the therapist I was wondering if it was a church therapist all along. I was surprised by your question at the end which made it obvious that it wasn’t a church therapist. Sounds like one to me.
So yes, I was depressed. Yes, it gets better. For me it was focusing on what I
dobelieve. I had spent a long time applying my analytical side toward finding the false/negative in every aspect of church but the turning point for me was when I started to apply my analytical side to finding the true/good in everything in life, and that had to include finding the true and good in the church. There is good there but it can often be hidden from our current vantage point. I wish I could help you better. I feel for you. I have been there. Unfortunately for me it did take time… but I can stand here today and honestly say that I’m happier today that I’ve been in 15 years or more.
Yes. It does get better. Time heals all wounds.
I’m glad you are seeking professional help.
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opentofreedom, I feel for you, and I understand. I suffered from a worsening depression for a long time. It is different for everyone, so you have to find your own way. But for me, I realized that there were some things I was doing to make it worse. Once I got a handle on those, the light started to shine again. It wasn’t time that made it go away, but changing how I handled it. So, some thoughts: – absolutely see a counselor, but find one that doesn’t have an agenda regarding faith. They are all different, some work well for some people, others don’t. Stick with it until you find one that works for you. I struck gold on my third attempt… and I started getting better pretty quickly. My advice is not to think of this as something wrong with you. The FC isn’t your fault and it’s not dirty or wrong. The reason why we often need help is because we are going through a ride we’ve never been on before and don’t know how to handle it. All of the tools from our old tool box don’t work anymore. A counselor can bring clarity of thought to help you get the upper hand on it.
– holding secrets inside is destructive, IMO. But by secrets, I’m not talking historical problems with the Book of Abraham. I’m talking that you don’t believe or that you don’t like Church. If I could go back to the early days (90’s) of my faith crisis and change anything it would be not to hold secrets inside. Once I learned to stop doing that, the depression faded away.
– I came to a point where I needed to be more open about my faith. I wasn’t for awhile, and then I wasn’t as much as I should have been. But by being open about that I no longer believed, that I still loved her, that I respected all the good things in the Church, but felt that the Church had some baggage, then my wife and I were able to talk about it to come to understanding. But I do believe it is important to stay out of religious arguments over proof and logic, or it will become a point of frustration. We must all keep in mind that faith is not a matter of logic. So, if we try to attack faith by logic, we aren’t moving toward anything positive. I love my wife more than anything on earth, and that includes being right about the Book of Abraham.
– One thing that has worked well for me is to turn the topic away from what I don’t believe and toward what I do believe. I felt much better about myself when I was working for me rather than against someone else.
– I think it is helpful for me to think of the Church as my wife’s religion. I support her in it the same way I would if she were Catholic or Muslim. Often for people like us, when we see others still faithful and happy in the LDS Church, I think it has a tendency to make us angry because we project ourselves onto them. Yet, if we see someone going to Mass, it doesn’t bother us, because we are separated from that religion. My wife has a faith in God. I should celebrate it. Now, I’m also a member of the Church, but as a non-believing one, it is easy for me to put a protective barrier there, so that I don’t feel a need to force my faith crisis onto her.
Does it get better? Well, it sure did for me. I feel much more in control of my own beliefs and my own life now.
Feelings of betrayal are powerful, they take time to heal, you can’t rush it. A professional counselor is supposed to help you discover your path, and connect sources of pain to the resulting feelings — not point you in a specific direction and define your interpretations for you. Find a good one.
Time does help heal, don’t rush yourself.
I would suggest trying to talk to your husband in terms of your past personal expectations and how you met with disillusionment. This conversation doesn’t have to attack the church directly and shouldn’t. Speaking from my past I could say something like “I had the impression that a prophet could not speak in error and remain a true prophet, now I have learned that prophets have made mistakes, Pres Uchtdorf said so, the new statement on blacks and the priesthood says so, I have discovered other situations etc. I know that this is not a problem for everyone, but my expectations and image of how everything is supposed to work is completely shattered. I don’t know how to put my belief back together right now…”
Best wishes.
Quote:A professional counselor is supposed to help you discover your path, and connect sources of pain to the resulting feelings — not point you in a specific direction and define your interpretations for you. Find a good one.
I just want to second this. A good counselor won’t try to excuse religious influences, but s/he won’t try to change your basic religious / faith orientation, either. Your thinking about it, absolutely; your affiliation, absolutely not.
If the questions were probing questions to help you understand and clarify, they are fine; if they are a prelude to telling you your basic faith foundation is wrong and that __________ is a better option, they are improper.
Hi, opentofreedom – I’m sorry for all your turmoil right now, and I think I “get” most of it. I’m happy that I’m growing spiritually in this process. I feel unhappy that I’m so veryalone. Maybe a more open church is right around the corner. I don’t know. In the meantime, I spend a lot of time here because it keeps me sane. My old testimony fell like a giant tree; it’s down on the ground of the forest for good as a “nurse log” – my daughter’s 2nd grade unit on forests taught me that, ha. The log’s decay provides a environment for new growth. I wouldn’t go back even if I could. I’m much more content in my mind now.
All I can suggest is to find like minds wherever you can. PM me if you feel the need to vent in more detail. I know what it’s like to be married to an excellent man who is not very interested in the issues as I see them, or as I prioritize them.
Okay, one more suggestion: Read about things that interest you. I’m finding myself fascinated by the New Testament and early Christians after listening to the MormonStories podcasts with Jared Anderson. To some extent, we’ve always been groping in the dark, making it up as we go along. There never was any perfect Camelot church. No different today.
I have found my faith crisis (FC) caused the kind of remorse I felt when I broke up with girlfriends in the past. The sadness and hurt of it all. But what threw me into my first bout of clinical depression was the treatment of me, as a leader, by other members of the Ward — and then a subsequent follow-up reprimand from our Bishopric. After the members sent a nasty note about me to the entire Ward council.
This threw me into a huge depression that lasted for two months until I finally called a meeting with our Bishop and the offenders, told them I was not proud to be a member of this Ward, and that I felt like taking my family to a different Ward. That the behavior was hurtful, destructive, and unbecoming of temple recommend holders. I reprimanded them for their harsh behavior — all of them.
Great spirituality followed, there was a half-hearted apology from the worst offender, and then, meds from the doctor for me. My Bishop indicated I could be the next Bishop of the Ward, and there should be respect for me as a leader, which I appreciated (why his counselor reprimanded me previously, I’ll never know).
Three weeks on the meds and the depression went away. Two years later it returned over some other behavior from uncaring leaders.
So, the answer is Yes. It seems distant now though, and I don’t care as much about it. Yet the depressive tendencies continue when other bad things happen that damage my self-image. It is so hard to shake — I empathize with you, I really do.
DarkJedi wrote:Yes, I think depression can be a symptom of a faith crisis AND a result of a faith crisis, and I think depression can contribute to a faith crisis.
Exactly.
Wow!! Y’all gave some INCREDIBLE advice.. all of you! I really appreciate that. OON: you are right, I have been feeling shameful about going through this and Curtis, yes I think it is bringing those feelings of “unworthiness” from past experiences to the surface. So, it isn’t the “Churches” fault entirely, but it seems easier to blame it on them. I am glad to have a clearer understanding at this moment of that so I can deal with it rather than hide behind anger FOR the church. I want to print your reply and read it daily..haha I LOVED the advice of focusing on what I do believe and working FOR myself rather than against someone else. BEAUTIFUL advice! Also, to to see it as my husbands religion, as if he were catholic.
Nibbler, I didn’t ask if he was LDS before I went. I had a phone consult with him and I liked the phone interview, and as a therapist he had some great points. But I definitely felt that he was telling me that the experience I had must not have been from God if it was causing me sadness AND that the history I got into is probably just someones perception or conspiracy. It was weird and rubbed me the wrong way for sure! Cant decide if I want to give him another chance.
I am realizing after reading the replies that it is important for me to LOGICALLY prove that my new beliefs are OK b/c the church is wrong. I am frustrated with myself 7 months ago I was in a more peaceful place because I kept focusing on my relationship with God, not history. Yet my Ego?? gets in the way and tells me I need to learn as much about the history as possible. I find church history interesting, intriguing, upsetting, horrible, like a train wreck that I can’t look away from. I don’t think it is a bad thing for me to want to learn about the history, but I think that much of the time I am learning about it with the agenda to have more ammunition for my cause.
Something I need to work on is confidence in my ability to make a decisions without having other peoples approval or thinking that if I am right, they are wrong. I need to do what is best for me…. But here is where the demons from my past come in… do I make good decisions? Am I to be trusted. Here is where the voices from growing up in the church haunt me ” that I must be being led astray by the devil or I wouldn’t be in this position”. arrghhh do you see where the nuttiness comes in? Today I am going to focus on the fact that two people can be totally right and yet completely disagree on what is right, if it is right for us individually.
Orson and Cwald: thanks for the reminder that it takes time to heal. Patience has never been my greatest virtue! haha I want it NOW! I will keep that in mind.
DJ: I hope that you find more peace as well, glad that is better for you though. Mine has gotten worse over the past 7 months.
Ann, thanks for your support, I will probably PM you. I only know of one other woman who was “disaffected” and her husband chose to stay. I will look into that podcast. I LOVE Mormon Stories!
SD, I am so glad that you found relief. I fear being reprehended by my leaders, which is why I stay quiet with them for the most part. I tried talking to my bishop 9 months ago when all of this first started and I swear “the Spirit” told me to shut my mouth and not talk anymore to him. Months later I can see the wisdom in that. I am not in a good enough place to feel rejected by “leaders” or members of my ward.
Here is one more question. When do you know if it is time to take a break from going to church? Will that make me more angry? Will it put up bigger walls? or will it make me less angry b/c I don’t hear the things that trigger past beliefs that hurt/anger me?
Thanks again for everyone who gave brilliant advice.
opentofreedom wrote:
Here is one more question. When do you know if it is time to take a break from going to church? Will that make me more angry? Will it put up bigger walls? or will it make me less angry b/c I don’t hear the things that trigger past beliefs that hurt/anger me?You know its time to a break when you have no will to go at all, and you don’t feel upset about reducing your involvement. It’s kind of how a woman I worked with told me how she knew it was time for a divorce. She said “it’s time for a divorce when you don’t feel any angst about not having the person in your life anymore”. “When its time to leave, you won’t be upset about it”.
I have never reached that point in the church, and I certainly don’t want to see others reach that point as I think the church has some merit, and works for many people (like it did for me for a total of a few decades).
But that is my answer.
Regarding how you will feel. I think that will vary from person to person….keep us posted on what you decide to do.
opentofreedom, you have been given some great advice but remember to listen to your own heart as well. it is not easy to live what feels like a lie. I tried it for a year or so and it did cause me some depression and many sleepless nights. That is just the way it works for me. DW doesn’t get bothered by the history or other issues at church too much and that is how she works and at times it is very frustrating to me because I want her support but I realize that she is trying to keep her own live in balance and also it is probably better if only one of us are distracted at a time. I have a feeling that it will catch up to her sooner or later because some of the kids are also going through their own FC. I have found that things do get easier with time and I also have been pretty open about my feelings and believes when I am asked. I bring up some things but only in general terms and I will wait until other probe before I get into many details. I have been open with the kids (now all adults) and in doing so have found that some of them are also going through the same thing. I see a VA councilor on a regular basis more so because of some things related to going to Iraq but we have discussed some church things too. I wouldn’t put up with a LDS councilor pushing the church’s agenda unless I told him that is what I wanted, even if the church was flipping the bill. It is your agenda that he/she needs to follow. I can assure you that many here have had the same feeling that you are going through. It is nice to know that you are not alone in this and please let us get to know you better.
I’m sorry I didn’t get back to this sooner. Others gave you all the advice I would have OTF. Again, it does get better.
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