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I’ve been reading the BOM daily and praying to gain a testimony. I am finding myself struggling greatly right now with several different issues and don’t know what to do. I am most attracted to members of the LDS Church for their high standards. I feel a sense of kinship with Church members and desire fellowship. But I’m not at all interested in spirituality at the moment, and am not experiencing much faith or devotion at all. I am in a very “dry” period, as I was extremely zealous in the past. I wonder if this is a reaction to my being in a high control cult/community for the past two years? It’s almost like I’m feeling very reclusive and anti-social, not wanting to return to the Church because of the demands it will place on my life, and having to socialize when I am feeling so reclusive. I DO long for fellowship, but feel very wary of “forced” service and activities due to my experience in the community (where I had NO control over any aspect of my life at all). Any advice would be most apprciated. Thanks so much for being here, and for listening! Gratefully,
Kira
Do you know your Bishop and/or Relief Society President very well? If they are able to understand your situation and concerns, the transition can be much easier – and talking with them might be a wonderful thing; if not, it can be very rough to talk with them. I can’t give you any more specific advice than that as far as communicating with them about it – except to suggest you go a bit slowly, watch how they interact with others, see how many members don’t appear to be “highly active” outside simple attendance, etc. Watching for a while can be a very good thing.
kira wrote:It’s almost like I’m feeling very reclusive and anti-social, not wanting to return to the Church because of the demands it will place on my life, and having to socialize when I am feeling so reclusive. I DO long for fellowship, but feel very wary of “forced” service and activities due to my experience in the community (where I had NO control over any aspect of my life at all). Any advice would be most apprciated. Thanks so much for being here, and for listening!
It sounds like you want the fellowship with people who have good standards, but you are afraid of getting drawn into the expectation of service and leaders’ expectations that you do inconvenient things in the process . If that’s an accurate synopsis of what you’re feeling — then I’m with you. It was partly all the inconvenient, unwanted, and undesireable acts of service that were expected of me that partly got me out of synch with Church in the first place about a year ago. I started feeling used.
Fortunately, unlike a control-driven cult, you can just say “No” to people in the LDS Church and they have to figure out some other way to meet their goals. Since I’ve decided that I will NOT be participating in forced service activities about which I have no passion or desire, and that cause me angst, I’ve been able to find a tremendous amount of “coming to peace” with my Church membership. And guess what? Our Bishop was forced to reach into the less active pool to get things done. So far, he’s activated a whole whack of people simply by calling them to certain positions since old-standbys like myself are not spiritually available. I’m finding the Ward is ticking along without my overall heavy involvement. I still do things, but they tend to be things I sincerely want to do. In fact, I think my greatest act of service in the last year was saying “No” so others had to step up!
I’ve also found that I can just sit back and pass the list asking for volunteers to the next person in priesthood meeting. They wanted a priesthood holder to arrive at the chapel at 5:45 am and just sit there until seminary is over with in case there was a vagrant in the building. That’s inconvenient, so I just passed the list. I do it every week and don’t feel badly about it. I can keep my hand in my pocket when they ask for volunteers in a meeting. And in the rare circumstance I get a direct request to me personally, I can always claim that “I have a conflict” preventing me from being there at that time and place. That conflict may well be within, and not schedule-bound, but no one asks me to produce my schedule and prove it….
So, armed with these ways of saying “No”, I think you should just go to Church for YOU for the time being. Get to know some people and wait for the service motive to ignite within you, on its own time. It’s much easier to serve people willingly when you know them, so I suggest you go to Church and let friendships develop naturally. If someone ASKS you personally to do something, you have the God-given right to say “No” unless you really want to do it.
If you believe in the War in Heaven, God lost 1/3 of the spirits over the issue of free agency, so, if putting limits on your service while you get used to being at Church again, you’re only exercising that freedom of choice that God paid so dearly for in lost souls, and which is central to the whole plan of Salvation.
By the way, I absolutely love your avatar — it’s the most beautiful one I’ve ever seen — what does it represent to you?
Be careful and take getting involved with the church slowly. You don’t want to jump into an unhealthy relationship with an institution right into another one. The LDS church might not be “unhealthy” to some but YOU could possibly slip into an unhealthy state of following once again. It is a replacement and some people need that void filled and before they know it they can be trapped again. Honestly it can be very difficult to not jump in full force. Others around you seem to be doing it and it might feel right. You need to remember that you have a choice and power. But first you need to make sure you have control of your life. I jumped into the LDS lifestyle at a quick speed and felt trapped from all of the rules … from wearing garments … to eventually not even being able to ask sincere questions about my doubt to my DH. Eventually I had to give it all up for my sanity. But now I know that I have control over everything and anything that has to do with the LDS church. I’m better able to come and go as I please without getting hurt again.
Not sure how old you are Kira, but you might want to try the Young Single Adults program for under 30s. It’s a lot more fun than most church activities. I used to attend it occasionally when I was inactive otherwise. Thank you so much for taking the time to encourage me, your responses were most helpful! I do tend to be an ‘all or nothing’ extremist, so going slowly is not something I have ever done before, but I will try! The main issue I am facing is that I was unemployed for seven months and am just now starting a highly demanding, time consuming job leaving me very little free time (I also care for my nephew every weekend). To go from having tons of free time to none at all, and then adding the requirements of the Church seems like it is going to be very, very stressful. I am afraid my mental and emotional health will suffer as a result. Starting a new job, being immersed in a social atmosphere after seven months of being a reclusive and joining a Church all at the same time seems like it is just too much for me to handle.
I have a tendency to manic depressive episodes which are worsened by stress, so this is a genuine concern of mine. The irony is the job I am starting is the most highly stressful job I could have possibly chosen!
Yet there is a part of me that wonders if returning to the Church would actually HELP me handle the stress in my life (?), as it would remind me of the purpose of challenges and adversity and provide me with a support system in a sense….Do you think I’m being overly idealistic, or is there some truth to this? Should I wait to return to Church until after I’m settled in my new job? Sorry for being so needy, and for not being able to righly discern and choose for myself. As you can tell, I’m pretty confused right now. Thank you so much for listening!
Quote:Should I wait to return to Church until after I’m settled in my new job?
Yes, because then you can set the time limits for various things.
I would also set up an “entry strategy” (sounds military I know!!!)
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