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This book written by Stephen Mansfield is not LDS specific, but is full of great insights and perspectives. Our church does not have the monopoly of relationships going awry in the church setting.”This is what we often forget when church becomes for us an anointed haven, when the grace is flowing and all is well. We become sentimental. In our minds we remake people into what we need them to be. We are not wise in our love, prudent in our commitments, knowing in our fellowship. And so the evil comes and we are first amazed and then destroyed and then knocked off our axis as though never to return.” He gives a new insight on forgiveness that I had not been exposed to. I could go on and on, but will stop and let you read the book for yourselves. I especially liked the history focus of many people who are viewed as heroes such as St. Patrick, John Wesley, Vincent Van Gogh and even Bono of U2 and the things they went through in their lives. That was interesting to my family. Sounds like the kind of book I personally need to read. Thanks. I actually ordered the book from Amazon since the library doesn’t have it. There are several similarly-themed books on Amazon as well, most with excellent reviews. SD With being on holidays right now, I ordered the book, it came, and I dropped everything to read it cover to cover today. Here is my assessment….the author, Steven Mansfield, certainly understands Church hurt and experienced some things that are similar to my own Church Hurt experience. I suspect many others will also find a similar connection with him this way.
I think he did a good job of giving four practical suggestions for getting past church hurt, which I paraphrased and annotated below:
Quote:1. View your sufferings as something ordained by and useful in the hand of God (to help you develop your character).
2. Defeat the message of the arrows (he says that there are messages we take from the hurtful actions [arrows] of others about ourselves that are often negative and self-defeating, and not to be believed).
3. Dispel the curse of doom from the hurtful experiences (the belief that you are doomed to have experiences like these in the future, that such experiences are due to you personally, or some defect in your character).
4. Drive off any demons you have known and maybe even loved (he suggests that we have innate tendencies toward certain kinds of sin, which attracts negative forces, “demons” which make strongholds out of them, such as anger, negative thinking, etcetera. Sometimes we even start loving these sources of hurt, making trophies of them and nurturing them).
He suggests more than simply letting go, he also advocates becoming a force for good — by investing in the destinies of others (he subscribes to the idea that each person has a purpose or destiny to be fulfilled). In fact, one might argue that he suggests becoming productive and a force for good is the ultimate goal of healing, not healing only.
He also advocates leaving a church in some situations and starting anew elsewhere, providing advice on how to leave properly.
There is much more, but these are the practical take-aways from this book.
Strong points of the book is the recognition that although we must forgive, he doesn’t advocate necessarily going to the offenders to make amends. He describes this as an outcome of his own experience of healing (not forgiving, but healing), but not an end, which I liked. He implies that one may reach out to offenders only after they have truly moved past the hurt, and seems to imply that the apologizing and reunification with others is circumstantial (my own interpretation). I liked this as it’s realistic.
He also commented on how each person needs to respect their own boundaries. LIke many non-LDS churches, he put responsiblity of the individual to decide where their current field of service should be, lest they become a full-time unpaid staff person for [insert church name here]. I thought this was wise advice for LDS people who are often taken for granted, which I think can heighten church hurt.
His focus on great people throughout history who were wronged, and achieved great things was inspiring. His writing style can be entertaining, and very direct with meaningful calls to action. He also spent only a little time on standard biblical references to forgiveness, providing new perspectives on the subject of forgiving and the meaning of hurt that I needed.
Weak points of the book are as follows — one, for an LDS person, we don’t really have the option of leaving for another church if we still have shards of testimony. He advocates this in a few spots, or, at least tolerates it, but for an LDS person, this means moving to a different Ward, or potentially leaving a calling, which is against church culture and practicalities sometimes. I also felt he advocated getting involved in other churches too much after an episode of church hurt. For me, focusing on the community or other ways of helping others with their goals is a viable way of dealing with the hurt — particularly since it takes me so long to get over things. Continuing in a church capacity may not be wise, even after healing. Also, he goes into how to select a church which for an LDS person who feels locked into their experience, is not a useful chapter. He also dedicated a chapter to discussing just how wonderful church experience can be, which I found rather maudlin and hard to sustain reading.
I’m keeping this book so I can go back over it an highlight it, and I think I will read the parts that brought me peace and encourage me to change regularly. I won’t be selling the book again as I am prone to do if a book lacks value; this one belongs in my collection for re-reading.
I give it an 8/10.
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