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I’m a fifth generation Mormon, prominent pioneer ancestors, always been active, LDS mission to Australia, went to BYU, married in temple, have 4 kids, Dad’s a mission president, come from a very devout “iron rod” type of Mormon family, recently graduated from medical residency and moved, called as GD teacher in new ward and then into bishopric within 4 months. When I was called into the bishopric and saw myself getting on the leadership track, I felt the my questions regarding the authenticity of the church became more important to answer – not so that I could prove it wrong, but that I could verify it, dedicate myself, and move on. The church makes some big claims and I wanted to know if I believed them, given the new information I had learned. The description of someone going through the crisis of faith in the “How to stay LDS” essay characterizes me perfectly. I’ve studied church history around certain troubling topics for the last 5 years, but didn’t have much time during medical school and residency – but I have since moving in July. I’ve read a lot by Bushman, Prince, Van Wagoner, Compton, Quinn, Shipps, Palmer, Vogel, Arrington, Brodie, Givens, FARMS, FAIR, Sunstone, Dialogue, the normal LDS reading lists, and lots of Signature books. However,it seems like the more I learned the more I realized I didn’t know.
It seemed impossible to discuss what I was learning about the church with people (including family, friends, and leaders) so I largely studied in silence. My issues are the normal ones. Reading the “new mormon history” was like a branch of knowledge I knew little about – and hence the problem. As a side note, a little more openness by the church would decrease the people like me who have a crisis of faith when they learn the history since the whitewashing looks like deception.
On Dec 28th I woke up ready for long day in bishopric meetings and church. I had no idea that by the end of the day I would have told my wife, family, and bishop that I had lost my testimony in the church. My decision just seemed to happen similar to CS Lewis’s decision to become a Christian while a passenger in a motorcycle sidecar. Some may wonder why I decided to accept a visible and demanding church calling while I was obviously having serious doubts. I think it is similar to why some married couples who are struggling decide to have a baby in the hopes of saving their marriage. I thought serving more intensely and focusing on the good would help resolve doubt.
My wife initially was crushed, but after talking, reading, and coming to a better understanding of my decision, she is much more tolerant and we are doing well (she is still active and I am supportive – it’s been rocky at times). Since my sudden calling and release from the bishopric would be noticed, I sent out a letter to the ward explaining my decision, without much detail, saying it had nothing to do with sin – just my faith. I didn’t want people to speculate. I have since let my parents, siblings, and a few friends know as well. After all this honesty with others, I don’t know if honesty is always the best policy (maybe this is what the church learned in the Arrington era).
I have listened to some of the interviews and read the essays in the library. They are very helpful and make me feel hopeful, understood, and not so isolated. I really identify with Tom Kimball in the interview about Fowler’s stages of faith. I’m in stage 4 (agnostic and atheism is making a lot of sense), stage 5 seems like a unreasonable “sell out” and stage 3 seems like “ignorant bliss” where most of the church lives.
My story, like everyone’s, is complex, and lots of information is left out of this introduction. I would sincerely like to come back to the community of saints for the good the church offers and the family unity. I can’t go back, but maybe I can go forward to a better place. But there are a few road blocks to this journey back, at least in my mind. I will introduce my questions in the appropriate forums. I look forward to reading your counsel, experience, and advice.
jpacman wrote:I’m a fifth generation Mormon, prominent pioneer ancestors, always been active, LDS mission to Australia, went to BYU, married in temple, have 4 kids, …
Ok, there’s the bona fides….
jpacman wrote:I’ve read a lot by Bushman, Prince, Van Wagoner, Compton, Quinn, Shipps, Palmer, Vogel, Arrington, Brodie, Givens, FARMS, FAIR, Sunstone, Dialogue, the normal LDS reading lists, and lots of Signature books. However,it seems like the more I learned the more I realized I didn’t know.
…ain’t it the truth!
jpacman wrote:… After all this honesty with others, I don’t know if honesty is always the best policy (maybe this is what the church learned in the Arrington era).
Yup. Know what you mean.
jpacman wrote:I have listened to some of the interviews and read the essays in the library. They are very helpful and make me feel hopeful, understood, and not so isolated. I really identify with Tom Kimball in the interview about Fowler’s stages of faith. I’m in stage 4 (agnostic and atheism is making a lot of sense), stage 5 seems like a unreasonable “sell out” and stage 3 seems like “ignorant bliss” where most of the church lives.
My story, like everyone’s, is complex, and lots of information is left out of this introduction. I would sincerely like to come back to the community of saints for the good the church offers and the family unity. I can’t go back, but maybe I can go forward to a better place. But there are a few road blocks to this journey back, at least in my mind. I will introduce my questions in the appropriate forums. I look forward to reading your counsel, experience, and advice.
Beautiful introduction, well done. Thanks, welcome to the board and I look forward to reading your posts.HiJolly
Welcome. I’m sure you will fit in wonderfully here. Welcome from me as well. I think this is a great board and a terrific community that’s tough to find. The mixture of civility and honesty is rare anywhere, much less on the internet. I look forward to hearing what you have to say. jpacman, I feel you will find understanding and kinship here, as many of us have been or are walking the same spiritual path as you. I felt a kinship to your announcement about your “loss” of testimony. We all go about our process differently, and I never did use the word “loss” (partly because I was overwhelmed at that time by the universal goodness and spirituality in this world), but I certainly agree you can never go back through that door once you have walked through it.
I identify with your description of roadblocks and “sell out”. Sometimes it does seem irreconcilable. I hope we never forget that feeling. Remembering it will help us be carefully honest in our teachings.
You have read more “tough and dark Mormonism” than I have. You might try now reading some “soft and bright” extra-curricular spirituality like Perpetua, Saint Francis, Ramakrishna, and the Sermon on the Mount (with new eyes).
Welcome. Welcome to Staying LDS in a whole new way.
Hi Jpacman, Thanks for taking the time to tell a part of your story. That whole comment about not being able to go back rings true. There is no going back to the way it was. There is a path forward though. That is my hope. I believe it is true. I know this would sound horrifying to traditional members, but I think this process is a calling from God. He calls some of us forward into the darkness, to pass through it. We stay there as long as we need to, and move forward when we are ready. It is all within the divine embrace of love and acceptance, even if we can’t always feel it.
Welcome to the forums. I look forward to hearing more about your journey and your views.
Hi jpacman, I’m so glad you found us. I can relate to much of your story, we are on very similar paths. I entered mine maybe a year and a half earlier than you. I’m also from a long list of pioneer heritage, never considered questioning, was utterly ‘surprised’ at some of the new Mormon history. Atheism/agnosticism looked like the most intelligent position for a while (it still may depending on how you choose to define God, a topic for another day right there). I know it’s a rough road, hopefully you’ve already seen the worst of it. It sounds like you have a desire to rebuild a positive relationship with the church. You are absolutely right, there is no going back – but we can move forward. I am finding it is possible. It is not fast or easy, but it is possible and I believe it is worth it. For me reading Fowler’s Stages of Faith was a key. As you said “stage 5 seems like a unreasonable “sell out” and stage 3 seems like ‘ignorant bliss’.” I needed to become comfortable letting people be where they are, and become comfortable with where I am – and let myself move forward. I think it helps to know something about what gets people to different stages, and understanding why many may remain in “stage 3” for the rest of their life. It is difficult getting past the view of stage 5 as a “sell out”, but I think when we have the desire to see our vision starts to open.
I see stage 5 as a new type of spirituality, much like the other posts here imply. Personally I think it can be compatible with full activity in the church. Other members may not understand it, that’s okay. As the saying goes: “God works with (people) according to their understanding.”
One of the key strategies that I have personally focused on is completely separating the spiritual from the physical (difficult in church culture I know, but now it’s a personal journey). The BoM may not be a physical historical record (I’m not offering an answer here) but if it has stories or lessons that speak to the soul then it does have spiritual worth. I try to take the spiritual food, and not let the physical realities remain spiritual hurtles. I have to say I enjoyed Elder Oaks conference talk last year on Testimony, he said some things that boost this separation in my mind.
I look forward to hearing more from you. I don’t have a lot of time these days but look forward to hearing some of what’s on your mind.
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